And there it is again

Does anyone else ever have this feeling that you are too old to still have some of the same insecurities that you had when you were say 18, or 15, okay lets be honest 10, when I first starting making friends?

Is it just me or when these reoccurring, reminders that I am not perfect and have many flaws make an appearance I immediately start to do some self shaming. Such as why do I continue to feel this way, or I thought I was over this. Or seriously Erica again.

Surprise but these shaming tactics do not help to get rid of the already crappy things I am feeling.

I could be alone in this, but I doubt that I am. And it is encouraging to me, to know that I am not alone. But I will say that these insecurities, that I have dealt with since I became aware that I could think on my own,  do not show themselves as frequently as they used to. That is a blessing, truly.

But I was once told that your insecurities are apart of you, they make you approachable, relatable and in a sense human. God does not want you to be anyone else than who you are, He may transform your insecurities at some point but you will never be without them completely because they are apart of you. This revolutionized how I approached them, instead of asking to be rid of them, I was praying for ways to be able to live with them. To be introspective and steer away from circumstances that I knew would bring those feelings on.

Life is not a destination, it is a process of learning how to be a better you, not completely change you. Embrace some of the things that you do not like about yourself. Mine happen to be how I think. Why my mind will go a certain direction. I cannot stand it and it bugs me so much. I know it is our sinful nature and that I should not indulge, but to me it is simply frustrating.

I know who I am, and it is a pretty fantastic person...but when I have these thoughts they bring me back to a person that I do not particularly like. A person that is selfish, self-pitying, and a victim.

It is a constant struggle between what I know to be true and the destructive thoughts that Satan is so good at feeding me. But they do remind me that I am human, I have not figured it all out yet. I am not perfect. I have not arrived. But they are not who I am, they are my past, and I have learned to talk about them. That is why I get on here. I already feel better. Thanks Blogsphere.

 

Cheers to that!

Wow it has been a little while.
I have had a few new additions to my life. No I am not talking about kids. Let's clarify that rumor right now. I began a side business.

I began selling Arbonne. If you do not know what Arbonne is it is a skincare, makeup, bodycare, and nutrition company that follows high standards for their products. It has been going well. With anything you do or risks you take, of course you will have hesitation or moments when you completely question everything. But I do believe that I am suppose to be doing this.

Arbonne has meet a lot of the needs that I have been thinking about. I am able to help women with their outsides. I am creating relationships with these women. I will hopefully have a team and then I can mentor them just as the person above me is mentoring me. I love to recommend good products to people. So to summarize. Check, Check, Check. It is meeting a lot of these needs that I feel as though I am missing.

I also have joined the mission team at my church which is pretty sweet. This is satisfying the major helping others desire that I have. I may not be the one that is doing the mission work yet, but until that point I am having a hand in those that are on the mission field right now. I went to my first meeting and it is nice to be around people of a different age demographic, of course that was a nice way of saying older than I am, did you catch that). And somehow I am going to be the secretary for this next year, how did that happen.

I am really excited to see where Arbonne takes me. I am taking each day, each spa party at a time and simply seeing what God wants to do with it. I took a step, a risk and am taking it a step at a time.

Sometimes I feel as though we need to slow down, take a step back to truly see what we are suppose to do. I had to simplify my life a bit, take a step back and really think about what you like, what you are good at or what you are missing and try to find things that meet those needs, or stay open to opportunities that could meet those needs. Arbonne from the outside does not look like it would meet any of my needs except financially, but on the inside it meets almost all of the them.

I am beginning to be myself again, the last two years really took a toll on me. To Cheers to that.

10 things I have learned in my twenties.

Here is a list of some of the things that I have learned over the years and that I think all twenty something's should figure out in their twenties.

1. You need to have a night time routine. You are not 12 anymore and your face goes through a lot in a day and you need to take a bit of time to clear those pores. You could maybe take a break for a night, but get right back to it. Your skin will thank you. Oh you have to make sure you moisturize. Your skin is losing its elasticity, and if you keep it moisturized then wrinkles will have no wear to plant themselves. I heard recently that you should start doing anti-aging skin care when you turn 20. So better get to it. Now please do not just use any old skin care products, you would not eat garbage so stop putting it on your skin where it soaks into your blood stream in about 25 seconds. It matters what you put on your face and body. A shameless plug, Arbonne seriously has some great products that do not test on animals, have no parabens, their standards are European, which is crazy because America lets so many harmful ingredients into their products. Shameless plug over.

2.Start saving some money. Just put some money away from every paycheck. You will thank yourself when your car breaks down and you do not need to use your credit card, but money from your savings. It could also come in handy to do some of those things you really want to do, travel, concert, adventure, but are a twentysomething and do not make a lot of money. But what you thought ahead and saved money. You are so smart. There are a lot of good plans on Pinterest.  Check them out.

3. Begin to workout regularly. Spend a lot of time trying new things and figure out the one thing that you could keep doing. May it be Pilates, yoga, running, going to the gym. What ever it is, find it and do it 3 times a week. I love to crossfit, I know, I know its the new craze. But I have been doing it for almost 10 months and that is the longest I have ever done a workout program. I can work on skills, it is very individualized even though you work out in a group. It is so encouraging. I love it. Go try it once, or go for a session. I loved it the first time, but I can see why many people might not. So give it a few times.

4. Create a list of things you know you do not want to do. You do not need to have everything figured out in your twenties, but try a lot of different things and start making a list of the things you do not want to do. So maybe you can start narrowing the search down to what you want to do. If you have read this blog once you probably know that I am not sure what I should be doing. But I am trying some different things to narrow down what I may or may not want to do. At least you will meet some new people, make some connections and maybe through those connections you will find what you are suppose to do.

5. Surround yourself will great people. As you know I teach and I am constantly talking to my students about making good friends. I am trying to get them to realize that the company you keep affects the person you are. "You are the company you keep." If you want to be a positive person, someone that everyone wants to be around, or simply a good person, then surround yourself with those people. Unless you like being miserable then surround yourself with people that are pessimistic and angry all the time. See what life will be like then.

6. Find some good hobbies. You need to have something that you can talk to people about. This will show that you are growing up and maturing. Finding things that you are interested in also can open you up to new friend groups. There is nothing worse than when someone asks what you like to do in your spare time and you say, "I hangout with my friends and watch TV." You know those people but you also know those people who light up when they get to talk about something they are passionate about. Be that person. I am still trying to find hobbies. I really like talking about Crossfit, which for some people is a huge turn off because then it reminds them of what they are not doing. Sorry, I'm kind of not sorry.

7. Make Goals. Life can start to snowball in a way when you begin to work the 9-5. Days go by so quick, weeks, then months and Whoa its a new year. So one of my friends has done this for years, She does a certain number of things before her next birthday, sometimes they carry over, but its a good way to be working towards something and trying to have new experiences. You are not in high school or university anymore and new experiences are not around every corner, you need to create them. For example this weekend I went to a trampoline park. Never thought I would do it, but it was really fun. We were the oldest people there without kids, but you just gotta get over it. So have things to live for, and work towards otherwise life flashes by, no joke.

8. Travel. Doing this when you are young is key. Especially if you do not have a family. You can still stand to stay in a cheap, semi-crappy hotel or stay on a friends couch without needed to recover for weeks afterward. You can also do far more walking and what not without completely throwing out your back. This is the time to travel cheap, but maybe not in style, but this is also the easy way to see a city as the locals do, cheap.

9. Enjoy doing things on your own. I am still learning this skill. I am not very comfortable yet with being by myself. Okay correction, I really enjoy it for a maybe an hour at the most Then I get bored and desire someone to talk to. I have eaten at a restaurant by myself, go to coffee shops by myself (obviously with a book or computer otherwise I feel weird), I can go for a walk by myself (even though I don't really do this often) But the truth is in your life the one person you can always count on is yourself, you can never be away from yourself, so you better start enjoying you and not being reliant on anyone else for entertainment. If you want to do it, do it. That is also a major turn on for men, just saying, that little tid bit is free, your welcome.

10. Last but not least, you can not please everyone. No matter what you do, you will never make everyone happy. Some people just might not like you and you need to be okay with that. Be as kind as you can, be the best you can. But it may not matter. I read a Bible verse recently that said, "as much as it depends on you live in peace with everyone." Romans 12:18. Even back then Paul knew that you cannot control other people. You have no say in what they think, how they feel or what they do. But you do have control over you, and do your best to be at peace with people. But if you cannot live in harmony with some of God's children, then shake it off (cue Taylor Swift) and move on. Most likely they are not close to you anyway, so their feelings towards you should not bother you for longer than a few days. (This is kind of hard for me, not because I care a crazy amount of what people think of me, but I am trying to live a life worthy of Christ, and my integrity means a lot to me, so it does affect me when someone contradicts what I am trying be, but I am working on it.) Most likely its not even you that they are offended or turned off by, it is something in them. Some people are never happy or always the victim, you can never win. Continue to be kind, but do not waste your time and energy worrying about it.

Things are looking up!

Picture found on crossingilandmono

So things are looking up.

I may have mentioned before that I am feeling a bit lost. (Ha that has been all this has been about)Now quite sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Well I have had a few things come into my life recently that I think may help me to figure out more about myself and be able to do some of those things that I enjoy.

First I went to an Arbonne party last week. Many of you may not know what Arbonne is. It is an organization that is shared through network marketing, it has skin care, make up, nutrition, body care, something for truly everyone.  yes similar to Mary Kay, but the product is of higher quality. (sorry Mary Kay) I never thought that I would be doing something like this. I feel weird even putting it out there that I am considering it. But my favorite job that I have had thus far was working at The Body Shop. Being able to help women and men find the products that were right for them. Help them to wear make up the correct way in order to make them feel more confident and better about themselves. I actually have been thinking that my dream job would be to have meetings with women, preferably middle aged, and help them, if they need it, with their fashion, hair and makeup to revive them in a way, I hope I am not offending anyone. But so many times I see women who are absolutely beautiful on the inside, and with a bit of help could build on that confidence with something new.

You may be thinking but that is superficial self-esteem, but I do not believe so. If I am wearing a new outfit that is a bit on the unique side, I wear that thing with so much confidence. It builds my confidence and makes me walk with my head held high. Do not get me wrong I am not some girl that has low self esteem and needs makeup to hide behind or clothes to make me feel good about myself. And to those that would think negatively about people that do feel that way, we all fake it till we make it right. But I truly think that my clothes, make up, and hair are a way for me to extend my personality and I can convey exactly the person that I want to be through every piece of my life. Some people may think that fashion is not important or that it is all a conspiracy, we wear what they want us to wear, but you tell me the shift in self esteem when someone is wearing something a bit out of their comfort zone, not too much out of it because then they may feel uncomfortable.

Wow if that is not a tangent then I do not know what is. I may also have talked in circles but welcome to my world.

Another thing that just happened which I am pretty excited about. I received a call last night from my mom's best friend. I thought she was calling to contact my mom, but nope she was calling me. She said that the mission's board at our church is looking for younger people to be apart of the team and my name came up. This is huge. I have a bad insecurity of not being thought of. It rears its ugly head every once in awhile. I do not deal with it that much anymore, but every once in a while it comes back. But here is an affirmation that I am thought of. Out of everyone in our church I was thought of, because I do value missions. I could possibly see myself living in a foreign country at some point in my life. So to be part of this team is amazing. I will be able to have a hand in missions even though it is not me directly being in a foreign place. This is almost like God saying to me "Until the time is right, I give you this." Well thank you. I needed this.

So I guess sometimes you just need to be patient. My whole life has not been decided. (of course not) I still do not have a good idea of direction, but I am going to take a step in the direction of Arbonne and the mission's team and we will see what happens.

Keep on keepin' on

Just Stop It!

I realized it has been over two weeks since I posted last and that is just unacceptable.

I have been very busy, and not in a good way.

I picked up a second job, cleaning. I realized that I do not like it. Now you may be thinking, "Well if you need the extra money, beggars can't be choosers." But I beg to differ. I have spent the last 2 years doing a job that I hated, because it paid well and was what I went to school for. It negatively affected my entire life no joke. So if you do not like a job you are doing, and it just does not seem worth it, then stop doing it. Seriously your happiness and well being in life is not worth the torture you are putting yourself through now.

I read this so much over those two years of, excuse my French But, hell. "You are young, stop doing a job that you hate." But it really is true. Just stop it.

I could not actually just quit my job as they commanded me to do, but now that I have left I am beginning to get back to normal, I am still not quite there yet. I have some residual affects. But I am getting there.

Anyways I have already given them my two weeks notice for cleaning. I am cleaning at my school and have been in discussion with them about my struggles with it. So it was not a surprise to them. They already know I am spoiled and entitled. ha ( I do not feel as though I really am) But I guess in many ways I am very human in that I want to make more money doing the least amount of work that I possibly can. But I know that is not actually realistic.

I was able to spend some time with a few of my friends this weekend that I am not able to see all that often. I came to realize that I love my friends. They are absolutely great people. I may be uncertain about a lot in my life right now but I am not uncertain about my friends. I was chatting with my college roommate and she gave me some encouraging words, she said that I was brave to be questioning my career path. I have never thought of it that way and I am very grateful for her words, I know they are from God because they are exactly what I needed. I have been feeling so lost and uncertain about my life, and her words transformed. I still feel lost but I also feel as though I am on the right bath, bravery is only necessary when there is risk involved and things that are worth having sometimes require a great deal of risk. I received a letter and postcard from other friends that are immensely encouraging. I realized this weekend, even though I've known it for a long time, that I have great friends. Maybe even the best friends that anyone could have. 

I guess my great friends are a testament to myself as well. Great people are not going to be friends with mediocre people. So I guess the fact that I have great friends, must mean I am pretty great too. So think about your friends and if they are as great as mine are, then you are pretty great as well.

Taylor Haugen Foundation-Football Cause

Photo by THF

New awesome cause to get involved with. My mother told me about this story she found in her Guideposts magazine. This high school boy had died while playing football. If you read my last post about Football you know that I very much enjoy it, okay that's an understatement. But anyways. My attention was completely gotten. So I inquired, how in the world did he die. I know that football is not the like table tennis in how safe it is, but it has come a long way from the leather wraps they used for helmets. She told me that the boy was hit in his abdomen and lacerated his liver and they could not fix it, so he died. WOW.

So the parents heard about this compression shirt that could have protected their son's midsection and also could have prevented his death. They have started a foundation in their sons name. Taylor Haugen Foundation.



This Evoshield shirt is the shirt they are trying to get into all high school football teams, so that this might not happen to other boys. High school is far too young to be losing a child while playing a game. If you would like to join in seeing this dream become a reality for these parents that have found a solution to a problem that should have already been in play please click on the foundation link to join in the cause.

Get your head in the game!

So if any of you know me at all and we get talking about sports, football and hockey mostly, I cannot shut up. I am a Green Bay Packers fan, now please do not close this window so soon, hear me out. I was born in Wisconsin and oh who cares, I do not have excuses they are a great team, with some great guys, I hope, and I just love them.

Now Hockey has not always been a favorite, but living in Canada for 5 years can turn you into a hockey fan. (I went to school in Canada) I was a horrible fan when I first started attending our university's, don't mock me saying university its just what they say, I would yell flying V, because hello I'm American and the only exposure most of us has had to hockey is all of the Mighty Ducks movies. I thought a power play was simply when one team was coming on strong the goal. (some of you might still think that is what a power play is) but truly hockey is awesome it is so fast paced and it can turn on you in a second. You think your team has it in the bag and then oh no the other team just scored 3 points and we lost. Now I am from Illinois so of course I am a Blackhawks fan. I was a fan of the Blackhawks before they won their first Stanley cup, but I will confess I have become a bigger fan since they won their last Stanley Cup. Wow I get off on tangents.

Anyway. Back to Football because that is the only sport that is important that is playing right now, sorry I'm not sorry Baseball (my Cubs are not in it anyway). And back to the whole reason for this post. I have done something that has created me to talk about football even more. I text my brother about it constantly, I tell whoever is listening about it, and I know they do not care. I look it up, and seriously, as my mom puts it, just stare at the screen, but really I am checking everything out.

I joined a Fantasy Football League.

I am not sure why I have not done this sooner. It could be because I knew what it would do to me, I'm already kind of obsessed, so now what am I, what word means more than obsessed, I cannot think of one. But I actually think it is because I did not have anyone asking me to join their team. Well this year I am in an all girls league, maybe a good way to start off. I absolutely love it. I am fixated it on it. Of course I had no idea what I was doing in my draft for players. I got a kicker in like the 4th round, thats a no-no, I did not know that. I got a defense practically right after that, also I have no clue what I am doing. I have a bunch of Wide Receivers I do not know, but hoping for the best. I ended up getting a B- from the fantasy experts or whoever for how I drafted, which I take as pretty good. That was practically the grade I got all through university, (side note, not sure why but I always want to capitalize University when I write it, see, I just did it, I think its because it sounds so much more proper, ha, a liberal arts education)

But anyways I won my first week and I was not suppose to, I am the underdog this next week too, Lets see if I can create an upset again? Fingers crossed.

Recap of my 27 things before 28!

So in January I made a post of the 27 things I want to do before I turn 28. Here is the post if you would like to see it. 27 things before 28.
I thought I would share my progress on this. I turn 28 on February 28th, Wow my Golden Birthday, I gotta do something amazing!. So I am about half way there, or a little over.

My first thing was to read 10 books.

1-Someday, Someday, Maybe-Lauren Graham
2-Speak-Laurie Hanlse Anderson
3-Sharp Objects-Gillian Flynn
4-The Fault in our Stars- John Green
5-The Next Best Thing-Jennifer Weiner
6-In Between Days-Andrew Porter
7-Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children-Ransom Briggs
8-Hollow City-Sequel to above-Ransom Briggs
9-Coming Home-Karen Kingsbury
10-If I Stay- Gayle Foreman
11-Fan Girl-Rainbow Rowell
12-Bossy Pants-Tina Fey
13-Attachments-Rainbow Rowell
14 The Interestings-Meg Wolitzer


I Love anything by Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor and Park, Attachments, Fan Girl, I need to read Landline. They are so good and interesting. She really knows people and how they think.

I think that Ransom Briggs is going to be in some ways like Jk Rowling. I can already see this being a huge series. He mixes vintage photos in with the books and it makes it much more visual for a reader. Even when there is a twist in the first book and you may think I don't know about this, keep going, you will get so attached to the characters and it will keep you going.

Gillian Flynn writes psychological thrillers like none other. They are so good and there is never just one twist there are multiple. You think its one person and then its not, but is it?

I would say that each of these books are must reads, I liked every single one of them.

I died my hair purple.Check.

I have gone to four sporting events. 1 Brewers, 1 Red Sox, 2 Cubs

I have gone to 2 out of the three concerts, Ed Sheeran, One Direction, No Shame.

I have disconnected from all screens for a month pretty much.

I work out at least three times a week

I have visited 2 out of three states I haven't been to. Massachusetts and New York.


Things I need to continue to work on. Decluttering my wardrobe. Sewing myself a piece of clothing. Crafts. SAVING MONEY!

What Egress means to me.

Photo courtesy of koffeinszerelem

 

I thought it was time to explain the title of my blog. So here it goes.

I first encountered this word when I was teaching a book called City of Ember to a class of grade 6 students while I was student teaching. I really liked the word. I was simply drawn to it, I cannot explain it. I am not sure what it was.

As I thought about it more and more I found that it had several meanings to me. Here is number 1.

The idea of Egress, the act of exiting. It is not an exit, a noun, a thing that you search for. It is a verb, it is the movement of exiting, leaving. The exit may not be important but how you are going to get through it is. Simply put we are not going to be on this Earth forever. We will leave it, so many of us focus on how it will happen. Will I die of old age, in a fire, a car accident, etc. But I think what is more important than the instant you leave, is the entire process before it. How will you exit, how will you live you life while you are moving toward the exit. Will you merely by time until the time comes or will you live it to the fullest extent a life can be lived. (you may be thinking, wow you're stretching it, but really am I, AM I? sorry I get passionate)

Another meaning that Egress has to me is that in life you should be constantly progressing, moving forward, exiting your old life repeatedly so that you can become the person you were meant to be. If you did not continue to improve yourself you will be living at home with your mother, oh wait I am doing that. HA. Completely kidding. Because if you have read even a sentence in this blog, well maybe not the post about bugs on the windshield, you would see that I am constantly contemplating life, maybe too much, but that is up for discussion.

I would rather be someone who thinks too much than not at all.

So that is Egress to me. What is Egress to you? Think about it and message me to tell me what Egress is to you.

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Start Something That Matters

Many of you know that I am in a place in my life right now where I do not know what I should be doing. Some have said its a crossroads but I almost feel like it is a dead end.

I have been desiring a job that I love. And I do not know exactly what that is. I feel as though I want to do something that makes a difference or is in some way fulfilling while still making some money because going to university did not pay for it self, ya know what I'm saying.

I am currently teaching in a different setting, which many people said I should do before I threw the baby out with the bath water. It has been a very different experience. I have far less kids, the administration is truly there to help me and not to harass me,  the curriculum is spelled out for me. I am not stressed out. It has been a beautiful transition. But I am really feeling like teaching is not for me. So still in the same place I was in before.

A few months ago I put a bunch of books into piles that I did not need anymore. One of them was the book by Blake Mycoskie, the man who started the TOMS shoes company. (clarification, I had two of these books). While I was looking through my stack of books I decided to actually look more into this one called Start Something That Matters. I didn't read it initially because I thought it was merely a book about his journey, which I am not sure why I thought that was boring, but okay previous self. It has been one of those timing things. I received these books when I bought TOMS seriously years ago. And now I am actually reading it and it is exactly what I am needing right now.
If you want to buy the book you can do it my clicking on the link above.



It has challenged me in the idea that all you need is an idea, a spark and some great people around you to make it happen. He asked a few questions that really made me think. Because my issue isn't that I have this idea and I cannot get it off the ground. My issue is that I do not even have an idea. I have interests, hobbies, passions and I am not sure how they morph together into something that means something.

Here are the questions if you are not sure what your passions are-

1. If you did not have to worry about money, what would you do with your time?

2. What kind of work would you want to do?

3. What cause would you serve?



1- I feel as though I would spend my time volunteering, truly- not just to sound pompous. I would love to go to different countries, traveling, being submersed in a culture and truly trying to understand the differences between us.

2. I would be doing work where I am truly helping people, making an impact. Interning at different non-profits.

3- This one is difficult, I mean I really, truly would be doing this for the benefit of Christ. And I can only do great things with his strength and help. I feel as though I do not have a certain cause yet and maybe this is my issue. I haven't found my cause yet.

So these questions are questions that I am going to be mulling over for sometime and may change or become more specific. I have a year of my teaching job. So I have time to figure things out and then move forward with more direction, hopefully.

I have found the headband that my head loves.

If you love a good headband that doesn't move and you want to support a great cause then Banded is for you. My friend gave me an awesome gift right before school started and it has saved many a bad hairdo. Each band they sell gives three meals to a child in Uganda.

They have wide bands, skinny, and one inch bands. They also have hair ties. They have velvet underneath them to help them from sliding back on your head. You know the headbands that you constantly have to readjust, these do not require so much maintenance to keep them in place.




Here is a sample of what they look like. There are many styles to choose from and they are very reasonably priced. from $10-13. I am already looking into buying more. So if you want to save that hairdo and also help a great cause head over to banded2gether and make a purchase.

Don't tell me what I DID!

I had the privilege of attending a very dear friend of mine's weddings yesterday. She was very kind and invited me to partake in some of the events of the wedding weekend that usually only the bridal party or family are invited to. They day did not exactly go as planned, it rained and it was meant to be an outdoor wedding, but it didn't matter. The joy and love that was throughout the entire event was evident to everyone that was there.

I was in charge of the video camera. So basically I called myself the videographer. And I took this seriously. So when it came time to cut the cake and I was about to miss it I rushed over with camera in hand ready to capture the cake in face moment.  I was not too late and got it all on film. I was talking to the mother of the bride this lady comes over and is noticeably distraught. She grabs my arm and proceeded to practically shake her finger at me and scold me as if I were a child. Little did I know that in my rush over the get on camera all the shenanigans I stood in front of someone else that she informed me was family. She also said that I told the person I got in front of to "Get out of my way." When I told her I did not say that. She told me that indeed I did say that. (side note, I love when people tell me what I did, sarcasm) She was so mad, it was startling. I almost thought she was going to smack me or something. The mother of the bride was still standing there and put her arm around her, trying to calm the situation down, and said this is a celebration and the lady told her to back off. Seriously you just told the mother of the bride to back off. I can only imagine that my face is showing a mixture of shock and awe at what I cannot believe is happening to me. After she tried to tell me what I did, I realized there is nothing I can do in this situation but apologize, because she already has it set in her mind that I terribly wronged someone that she loves. So I say, "I am very sorry I did not know that I did that." She says, "Thank you for apologizing," and walks away. The mother of the bride says we need to pray for her, which made me feel a tad better, but I was affected by this turn of events for the next few hours.

It is very hard for me to apologize for something that I know I did not do. I had a serious conflict inside of me. On one side I knew what God wanted me to do, simply apologize. It was truly all she wanted. But then there was this other part of me that wanted to stand my ground because I know that I did not say, "Get out of my way." Anyone who knows me knows I would never say that. I knew I wasn't wrong. And I could not stand having this lady tell ME WHAT I DID. This was a classic example of the sinful part of me and what I wanted to do and my Christian part of me what I should do. Following what I knew God wanted from me deescalated the situation. It was solved in simply a few minutes, if that. If I would have tried to prove myself it would have only made it worse and nothing would have been solved. A huge scene could have been caused and I would have been that girl who is part of a fight at a wedding. Would have made for a great story in a few years but for the immediate time would not have been very flattering.

I do not like how I am now seen in their eyes, I think that is what bothers me the most. Not that my image in tainted but I do strive to be a person that has integrity and what I say I do and I live by certain principles. When someone accuses me of something that goes against who I am and what I am about it affects me. I know that I will probably never see these people again, but for some reason it still affects me even a day later. I know it also should not affect me as much as it does because this lady doesn't know me and the only person that I should care about their perception of me is God. But I am human I feel greatly and I do care what people think of me to a point.  This reminds me of people accusing Jesus of so many things that he didn't do or did do and they twisted it and he never fought back. He knew it wouldn't make a difference. They had their minds made up about him. And I felt the same way with this lady, no matter what I would say it wouldn't matter, she had her mind made up about me.

My monthly love, Birchbox- try higher end beauty products without the higher end price tag

I'm not sure if you are anything like me, but I love beauty products. I worked at a beauty supply store and felt completely at home. It was one of the jobs that I felt very capable and fulfilled. It my sound weird but I felt as though I was helping people to feel better about themselves. It also helped that I believed in the product that I was selling. They helped people around the world and fought for different charities it was great. But I also could try products without having to buy them.

Well I have found something that allows me to try the newest thing that is out there without breaking the bank. This company allows you to try samples of the newest and greatest products for only $10 a month. It is fantastic. You want to try that new bb cream but don't want to spend $25, you can. Then if you like it you can purchase it right on the site. This company is called Birchbox. You are able to create a profile where you rate certain items and they look at your profile when they are creating a box for you. You receive about 5-6 items such as, makeup, skin care, hair products, and some snacks or chocolates.

When the little pink box comes I am always very excited. You open it and this is what you see.

 

 

Inside the pink box is another box, don't worry it doesn't get smaller and smaller, but I do keep these boxes to use for gifts.

 

This is what was in the box this month

 

 



 

 



 

Starting at the top is Nexus shampoo and conditioner for color treated hair. Going clockwise is a black eye liner from Noir. The little container with TEE -HEE had a few of the other items in it. Then there is a Supergoop hand cream. Next is a great bronzer from ModelCo. Lastly there is a detoxing face wash from Vasanti.

 

The items that I really like from this box are the eye liner, it goes on so smooth, the bronzer which creates a natural looking glow, and the hand cream that is thick but not greasy and smells great almost like a tea or clean sort of smell. I have not used the shampoo or face wash. I do not really use face wash because I use a Norwex face cloth that does not require soap or a cleanser of any kind. It is naturally antibacterial and removes all of my make up no joke.

 

 

I absolutely love Birchbox. It is cheaper than most other monthly subscriptions that I know of. I have used Julep but it was $20 and mostly nail polish and it did not seem as worth it, but I did love Julep as well, when I was trying to build up my nail polish stash.

 

Birchbox also provides you with great travel sized toiletries I have used them on most of the trips I have taken in the last few years. It was great for those people that want to expand their beauty regimen and try higher end products without the higher end cost. 

One last hurrah! Then school begins!

So I went on one last hurrah before school starts. My mother and I, because we know where I live, went into Chicago. We planned it all on Tuesday, the day we left, because we are so decisive and pre planned. Not at all.

We went on Booking.com to find a hotel to stay at that was reasonably priced. We found one for $132 taxes not included. Inn at Lincoln Park. And then I used the best app to find tickets to sporting events Gametime. My friend used this when we were in Boston and it was terrific. It shows you the view from the seats and the tickets go right to your phone, no printer needed. This is very nice for purchasing tickets the day of or practically at the gate, like we did in Boston. They are also very reasonably priced.



These were our seats. They were pretty good! And the Cubs won. That is a big deal.

The hotel was very cute. It was very old but updated while still keeping its character. The rooms with the two double beds had two bathrooms they were so cute. I could tell that back in the day they used to be two very small rooms that they renovated into one room and kept the two bathrooms. I loved the history of it all.

I also wanted to do something that was not so much touristy. So taking a note from my Friend who finds the greatest little shops wherever we go, I took to Yelp. This app has been my favorite go to where ever I am to find good places to eat or unique, quaint, local shops.

The first place we ate at was a Mediterranean/ Turkish restaurant called Troy. It was delicious. We ordered Falafel, you gotta a Turkish joint, spanakopita, and a kebab platter. The best part of the meal was the bread and lentil ezme, so good.

Then, with the help of Yelp, we headed to a few little shops. The first one was surprisingly right across the street, Inkling
 

This store was everything that I love in these unique, local hole in the walls. I picked up a dainty necklace with a compass on it. Everything was very reasonably priced. That is one of my complaints with these shops is that they are too expensive, but this one was perfectly priced.

Then we went into Foursided which was kind of on accident. On Yelp it says it does custom framing and I am not in the market for that right now, but as we walked by they had cards and stationary, and small trinkets. I had to go in.
Side note, while in Boston we went to a shop called Magpie, I bought many things there and made two trips, but what really hooked me was their mystery bags. You spend five dollars and you get five random cards. I could have bought the entire stash.
Well Foursided had these mystery bags but they did not just have cards they also had flashcards, mini notebooks, candy and other miscellaneous items. It is like Christmas morning when you get these bags and I love that feeling, Its dangerous that feeling because I could spend a lot of money. But they are only $5!

The last cutesy shop I went into, for about 10 minutes on the way to the cub game and then a bit longer the next day, was called Twosided. They claim to be the red-headed step sister of Foursided.
They had the grab bags too. They also had mystery boxes but those were $15 and I am too cheap for that. But I bought 4 of the grab bags so not sure what that says. I have opened one of them and I got some magnets which are 11 dollars by themselves. There was a card, a stone shaped like a heart, 2 jolly ranchers, and an odd picture. But that is what you get.

Oh also I changed my hair I had to get rid of the purple because I am a teacher and a semi-professional and they do not usually have purple hair. I also not like my kids to think that I am hip at all ha. So I did something a bit different. No I am not cross eyed I just do not know where to look when I take a picture apparently.

Oh my mind sometimes!

I always feel bad when I get into my car and there is some sort of bug on my windshield or simply hanging out on my car and then I have to drive somewhere. I always feel as though I am taking this creepy crawler (sorry for the stereotyping of bugs there) away from its home. And then it will never find its family and friends again. It will get lost and die alone. I wonder if it can find another family or community to fit in with, but I fear that it will always feel like an outsider and never be able to fully relate to this new environment because it was so rudely plucked from comfort. I do not even like bugs but from behind the glass I feel for those little guys. Now if the bug some how gets into my car my feelings change very quickly from pity to revenge. I feel revenge because it crossed the line and invaded my area of comfort and now it must die. Funny how quickly my feelings can change.

I wonder how I ever leave the house if I can feel sorry for a living thing that has a life span like my phone's battery, short.

There may be parallels that can be made between these bugs being ripped from their homes and my life right now? But I am not going to be creating those lines for you. If you would like to ponder those invisible coincidences go right ahead. (I do not believe in coincidences for the record, but these parallels may not actually exist.) 

move in the direction you want to be--writing

This is a work in progress. Keep that in mind. Thanks!

 

As a child I never thought that I was meant for something special. Not to be dramatic but I had many things stacked against me. Or so I thought. I was in a single parent household, and my father was not exactly present. I lived in a trailer (and I found this to be the hardest thing to overcome.) I am not sure why, but to me it was very embarrassing. I didn’t like to have people over who were not close friends. I especially didn’t like to have guys over. I would watch my brother have his girlfriends over and he was not fazed one bit. He didn’t seem to care. I always wondered why I cared so much.

Looking back I had many things going for me as well. One major thing was the fact that I had a mother that was everything I needed her to be. Now she had to provide for us and be both parents which is not easy and most likely not what she planned parenting to be, alone. But she is the reason that I am who I am today.

 I always kind of felt like I was in the way when I was young. In places where I felt uncomfortable I would not make a lot of noise and would try to stay out of everyone’s way as much as possible.  This was seen the most in places where I did not feel as though I could be myself. Where I was most insecure about who I was. I find that I still do this in new situations. I feel out the situation, the people, I observe and then I begin conversation with one or two people which helps to get me out of my shell.

At home I was by myself a lot. My mom worked, not like crazy hours or anything, but I just remember being home alone a lot. It may not have been the reality but it is interesting what we remember being the norm and what may have actually been happening.

My brother is five years older than me so we were not really play mates. We may have been until he was 10 and then I was annoying to him, which to be fair I was quite annoying. I would go and try to find incriminating things in his room and I wouldn’t tell my mom I would just leave it out so he knew I saw it or that someone saw it. I know very weird, but don’t judge me you did strange things for attention when you were young too. Back off.  For example I found the swisher sweets in his drawer and left them on the dresser, or the No Dose caffeine pills, which I thought he was doing drugs but found out that they are like a cup of coffee. Without the stained teeth and bad breath.  I want to state for record. That my brother and I are much closer now. Now that I do not snoop through his things!

I did have a lot of friends in my neighborhood when I was young. But they were mostly older than me and not always the nicest. I remember once leaving one of their houses crying and then she ran up to me and slapped me for I have no idea what reason anymore, but I was just shocked. That is one memory I have where I did not speak up for myself. I wonder if I thought I deserved it or something. All the people treating me poorly, like it was consequences or something. I would let people do what they wanted to me and I did not have a back bone. This has changed but it took years to realize that I was worth it. I do not deserve to have people walk all over me. I do deserve good friends, not only deserve but need good friends. People that I can disagree with and not have to worry if they will still be my friends. Peers that are not using me or friends with me because I am weak and they can overpower me.

Carpe Diem, YOLO, insert other live for today mottos

So being a teacher does have its perks and I know that many of you will be rolling your eyes at this because it is kind of obvious. But if you have read any of my previous posts you will also understand that it is not as easy as some may think. One of the perks is the fact that I have the summer off. Now because I worked at a school that was practically year round with out the longer breaks that a year round school normally gets, our break is not as long as most.

Anyways I just went on a two week vacation. I traveled to Washington DC, then up to New York, and then to Boston.

We have been planning this trip since what feels like forever. And then it comes and goes kind of quickly. It reminds me of so many things that we anticipate for months and then is over in a few hours, a day, a week, you get the idea. I am already thinking about my next big thing. Which is not until the end of August, a concert, which is over in a night. I sometimes wonder why we do this. Because I am assuming I am not alone. I know we should be excited for events that are, for lack of a better word, exciting, but it makes me feel as though I am not truly living day by day but major event by major event. This is not just going against how we are suppose to live as Christ followers, but also as the world would like you to live as well. Carpe Diem, YOLO, insert other live for today mottos. Now how Christ followers and the world view living for today may be quite different, they still understand that today is all we have control over, or impact in.

 I do not know what tomorrow will be, I may have plans, but they can be thwarted at any minute. I only can do something right now. I can only control how I react to something right now. I can only change right now, I can only act right now. I can only chose right now. Right now is all we have, all we are guaranteed to have, I may not have tomorrow, or an hour.

I am trying to live each day. Some days might not be crazy eventful, but sometimes you need the quiet, the rest to build you up for the next thing. I remember reading a book back when I was wrestling with waiting and understanding what I was doing right now. (which I am thinking about going back to that book) its called When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd. I thought it had some good things to say. I may not have agreed with everything in it. But it mainly said that sometimes when you are not feeling useful or particularly active it may be because you are to be delving in and working on yourself for the next big thing that God has for you.

Back to the trip. It was really good. I have never been to New York or Boston. So it was nice to see those places.

My major take aways  from each place.
Washington DC-Many well dressed young men. No joke. Lots of them. All over the place.

New York-tons of bad smells. (I really did love New York, this is just the things I always thought about)

Boston- Brick. Brick everywhere. Sidewalks, buildings, streets. Loved that.


Here are some pictures of my trip.

Here is beloved Lincoln

Oh the view from Lincoln's house, as I like to call it

Got to see the one, the only, Ed Sheeran in New York at the Today Show

View of south Manhattan from the top the Empire State Building

Oh and did I mention that I dyed my hair purple. It was on my 27 things to do before 28 list.

Media month

So I have been slacking a bit. This month is Waste. So you are to be mindful of the things you throw away, recycle, re use etc. This month was suppose to start on the 16th of June. Oopps.

So I am beginning now. These are the seven things I am going to try and cut down on.

1. taking bags with me to the store
2. no plastic water bottles.
3. bringing my own coffee container to coffee shops ( I am blanking on what they are called so I am calling it a coffee container, lol)
4. recycling as much as possible
5. not eating out as much  eating the food in refrigerator
6.only buying thrift and second hand
7. buying local at the farmers market.

Now the hard thing about this is that I am going on a two week vacation for oh yeah two weeks, I already said that. SO I am going to bring a water bottle to reuse and a coffee container (see explanation above).

Anyway this is not going to be my best month, I can see it in my future.

I just want to be apart of something. no whiney voice necessary

As most of you know I went on a trip to Haiti at the end of March. I went with an uncertainty of my future and a restlessness about where I was currently. I came back with ideas and thoughts of where I could be, what I could get involved in and a faint idea of a purpose.

My purpose is still quite hazy. I have taken a job next year as a teacher in a very small private school which I believe will heal me where teaching is concerned.

I really wanted to get involved in the Haiti project that we went down there with but it is seeming to be impossible. I have emailed numerous times, I have given my phone number, I have given the times that I can be reached. There have been correspondences back through email but that has been few and far between. I know that people are busy, but because of this lack of interest on their part, my lack of interest is waning. I fear that I am in some ways losing my drive and passion that I had when I first returned. I was setting up meetings, contemplating what to do next and I still feel as though I am where I started. With no clear plan and no clear direction.

Do many people feel this way or just those that return to their hometown to live at home after university and nothing seems to be different except you. But then in some ways you feel as though you digress a bit because it is exhausting being the only difference in the unchanging landscape around you,.

I thought I came back a few months ago with a little less fogginess where my future is concerned but I, in this moment, feel as I did in Haiti, lost and confused.

I am trying to think of what God would have me do now and not simply months from now, but I do not sense a lot of nudging.  Maybe that means stay put and be patient but I feel as though that is exactly what I have been doing for the past three years. but if I am truly being honest maybe I have just started pursuing this "What's next?" attitude for the last few months.

I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago "I just want to be apart of something." It doesn't necessary have to be something big but something that is making a difference. I followed that up with "God please help me to find a place to be this year."

That is my hope and prayer for this school year. To be apart of something and to find a place to be.

A few things I have around my room to remind myself that He is in control and right now will not be the best time of my life, (hopefully) HA.

I choose to fill the time with 45 meaningless things.

So I have made it through a week and it has not been too difficult. If you were my mom reading this she may have a different opinion. I might complain that I am bored often. But this is kind of one of my spiritual talents, complaining. Oh that isn’t one of the spiritual gifts? Well I beg to differ because I am pretty good at it.

Anyway, giving up social media for a month will not be too bad. There are many instances when I think oh I should tweet that or I want to take a picture of that and put that on Instagram or Facebook, but alas I do/cannot. I have been writing some of those things down. Here are a few of them

Library book stains. Ever wonder what in the world someone was doing while they were reading this book. Either eating very messily or bleeding profusely.

Someone said that it was John Smith singing these words to Pocahantas, “You’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.” I know my silly humor.

I have also been floored by how much more time I have on my hands. As you know before I said I was excited to be so productive, but just because I am not watching TV does not mean that I now have a cure for my laziness. I am still lazy and not getting that much done.

I have read 2 books in a week. I read In Between Days which was really good, it is about a dysfunctional family. I found it very real and true. Then I read Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. It is a young adult book but very different from the trilogies out and popular right now. Both great reads.

TV is very difficult to give up. It has not been a huge aspect of my life since I got back from Haiti. I am just not as concerned with keeping up with the shows as I once was. But I do notice its complete absence from my life. Week nights are not too bad because I have work to do and then can read or workout and shower. I can fill the time with essential things and then go to bed early. But the weekends have been a little more difficult. I enjoy have it on while I am doing other things.  The quiet has been eerie, ha.

I am this next week going to work on spending more time with God. I was just reading some of Jen Hatmaker’s reflections on this month and she also came to this realization that I have always made the excuse that I do not have enough time for God. But not having TV and what not and still filling the time with things has proven that I do have the time for God, but choose to fill the time with 45 other meaningless things. I will always find ways to fill the time with things other than God unless I make the effort to fill the time with more meaningful things.

 

An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

So I started month 4 which is media. So I have a lot of time on my hands not being spent watching TV or on my phone. So I am going to take this time to blog like crazy. Now I have not written about any of the other months that I have done. So let me give you a recap. Here it goes

Before I begin let me explain what this whole things is. I had read a book way back that was called 7 An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Each month she limits herself from something and during that month she is stretched and challenged to live a simpler life. So a few friends and myself have decided to give it a try as well.

Month one was food. This was a hard month for me. I cut out seven foods, where as Jen Hatmaker only ate seven foods and I did not want to hate life that much. So the seven foods I cut out were bread, cheese, soda, alcohol, fried foods, desserts, coffee pretty much only water for a month.

Basically I ate a lot of salads, especially when I went out. I became a little irritable when all my friends were eating this cheesy fried goodness and I had to sip on my water, with lemon, and wait for my salad, which is just as expensive as a burger and fries mind you.

So that month was actually very difficult.

Then came the month of clothing. I limited myself to eight items of clothing, pajamas and workout clothes did not count. So I had 2 pairs of dress pants, a pair of jeans, 2 v-neck shirts, 2 cardigans, and a dress. Tights, scarves, and under garments also did not count. So this was actually not too bad. It made getting ready in the morning very easy and quick. And to my surprise no one even noticed that I was swapping the same articles of clothing week after week. I did this for three full weeks the last week I went to Haiti on a mission trip.

The third month is possessions. I was supposes to give 7 things away a day for a grand total of 210 items. I was really looking forward to this month because it would finally give me an excuse to go through my closet and my room and get rid of a bunch of stuff I had been hording. Now the key thing here was to give thoughtfully, not just to a middle man, Goodwill. I ended up giving away 148 things. So not quite the 210, but it averages to 21 days so not too bad. I did not do a good job with the thoughtful giving though, trying to find actual people who needed these items. I gave away 43 clothing items. 14 nail polish, 14 jewelry, 13 scarves, 34 books, 2 pieces of wall décor, 4 shoes, 11 purses and bags and a couple odds and ends.

 

So that brings me to month four, Media. This is meant to be giving up 7 forms of media. Mine are TV, Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, internet (within reason, I need to check my email, but I am not looking up things all of the time), texting (this is also within reason, only if it saves time, but not for frivolous-no meaning texting), radio, gaming/iphone apps (apps are within reason as well, I need the weather channel app but that is about it)

 

I have made one exception which some might think is a copout but I have to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs for my beloved Blackhawks. I just have to. You might say, “Well that is exactly why you are doing this right, because you actually do not HAVE to.” But I beg to differ, when I watch they win, when I do not they don’t. Simple as that. And stop judging me, I can sense it. Anyways.

Stay tuned for month 5-Waste

Month 6-Spending-going to be a hard one

Month 7-Stress

The extra money will not buy me happiness.

So I know that I said I was wondering if I was going to be teaching in the classroom setting again. There were many reasons as to why I came to that conclusion. I also have been doing a lot of searching and wondering what my mission is. What does God ask of me? I am still not entirely sure what that is or where that is. I have had a few people tell me of different teaching job opportunities. I have had conversations with different people trying to help figure out what my next step is. I have thought, pondered and talked with God about what he would have me do. I feel as though I cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I had a past employer seek me out and wants me to teach. I know, I know I said I wouldn't teach. But I would already know everyone there. It would be a comfortable place for me to regroup and get my groove back. (ha, feeling like Stella, but in a completely different way). I would only have like 5 kids which is pretty much small group teaching or tutoring which is what I was thinking I would be better at. The place is so low stress it is not even funny. I get to run my own classroom, it is not micromanaged at all. Some of the parents very much want me as their student's teacher. Oh and they do take a test, but it is for sure not me teaching to the test, which was one of the issues with teaching in the public school classroom. Oh  yea by the way it is a private school.

I would be making significantly less than I am now. But my life would be so much happier. The extra money will not buy me happiness.

So I am pretty sure that is what I am going to do for this next year. Try and save a lot of money, pay off some of my loans. Maybe pick up a part time job. I would love to be a personal shopper or help women with their style. But I do not see a huge market for that in Freeport. Ha.  We'll see... oh my motto for my future.

I don't have anymore plans drawn up.

I just got back from a meeting we had with the Haiti team. I am very much still in limbo. Where I have no idea what God is asking of me. It is a scary place to be in if I am truly being honest.

It brings me to a place where I need to deeply trust, hope, and believe in what God has for me. But I am scared, I do worry. But I know he has it, he is so much bigger. But I am still scared. I believe it is alright for me to be. It does not diminish him in any way. It is a completely Earthy and human feeling of not knowing what is next. But I think it is the best place that God wants me in. I don't have anymore plans drawn up. It is going to be all him, this time. I also think that I  am in one of the best places that I have been in in a few years. It is completely scary, but I am in tune with him more than I have been in a while. It truly is bringing me closer to the one I want to be most like.

I had this overwhelming feeling while driving home. That I am so overwhelmingly thankful for all God has done in me and for me. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I am a pretty fantastic person, but I cannot take credit for it. He has made me question who I am and where I find who I am. that I cannot go to certain places in my mind because if I do I may not come back. He has also brought people into my life to help me understand why I do things or think things and that it may not be the healthiest way to process conversations or productive self-talk. Coping mechanisms that I have built for 20 some years, that protected me, but in turn hurt me as well. Words will never describe my gratitude, so I want my future and my life to show my gratitude to him.

This is the time that I stop planning and start following, waiting, understanding, being, striving, yearning, praying, knowing, loving.

I was reminded this week of the things I don't have, the things that truly matter. Haiti days 7, 8, 9

Day 7
Last day here.

I worked on the mountain again. I did dishes again as well.

Then I had a great conversation with a few of the ladies. It was amazing. These women are beautiful testaments of strong godly women. They follow the Lord's leading and it was amazing to talk with them.

I did ask if they needed to learn English, but even more than that I learned how this woman got to be with the organization that we were with and how she got with Haiti. One of the best pieces of advice she gave me that someone else had given her was that you need to take any opportunity no matter how small, because its all toward Jesus.

Is missions my future, if it is you heard it here first! ha.

(Switch)
Another thing that I learned while talking with the two women mentioned above is that I think I create feelings for guys that are not actually there. Let me explain further. If I am comfortable with that person, attracted to that person, can be myself with that person I think I construe that to mean that I must like them. Because for all of those things to add up it is kind of rare. But it really confuses things, because I truly feel as though I have feelings for them, but I do not really even know them. Maybe it is the whole idea of infatuation. Who knows.

I can also tell that the kids know we are leaving soon. Musline is very attached to me. Very affectionate and cuddly. Which is not the norm for her. But I very much enjoyed it, She completely has my heart. I have been thinking of her often since I have been back.

Day 8
I did not sleep well last night. It was hotter than usual and my mind wouldn't stop. I got out of bed around 5:30am.

We got ready to go, packed up and were waiting by the Tap Tap. The kids sang to us and it I was trying to keep my composure but it was difficult. Saying goodbye was difficult. Charlie, a boy who I just learned the name of a few days ago, was saying I will never forget you. I could not take this, it was impossible to stop myself was losing it.

The Tap Tap drive was much more packed, but much smoother. We finally got to the resort and it was beautiful. It is crazy to think that this place is in the same place as all of that poverty. For some it was very difficult to be there after just having been where we were. They said it felt wrong in way, which is completely understandable. I was alright with it. Here me out before you make your judgments. This was a perfect place for me to reflect on the week. It was crazy relaxing and a good way to unwind. It was also a good way to transition back to my life. Not that I am saying I wanted to completely go back to how my life was, but the reality is we are going back. I am a changed person now and how do I go back to where everything else is the same as I left it but me?

Day 9
This trip has taught me that I have a lot, not just in things but in life. I have a mother that loves me truly unconditionally. I have friends that challenge me, trust me, and love me. I have a roof over my head that is not going anywhere and if it does I have insurance to get it back for me. I have a job that provides for me. I have, I have, I have. I could go on forever with the I haves. But I was truly struck by the have nots.  I do not have true hope, hope in my future, in my God. I do not have true joy. Joy that is not shaken by small inconsistencies in life but is stable in the one constant in life. I do not have an attitude of living in the present. These children were not thinking months in advance, they were focused on the here and now. I am always looking to the weekend, or the end of the year or the next exciting thing I have to do.

I am blessed beyond believe with what I have. But I was thoroughly reminded this week of the things I don't have, the things that truly matter in life. The intangible things that make a difference in the type of person you will be, how you will be seen, where you will end up.

The amazing View at Wahoo Bay

This nugget was too much, in a completely spectacular way

One last picture on our final day

Yay Spaghetti for breakfast on the last day 

A few people we meet on the way down the mountain in our Tap Tap

Dishes are theraputic, they did the trick. Haiti day 5 and 6

Day 5
I still am struck by the fact that Saul and David were good looking.

(Switch)
Chris told us to not be so focused on the distant future, but to be looking for your next step of obedience. When I think about the stories from the Bible, God rarely told people far in advance of what he would require of them. Instead He told them step by step what he desired. I wonder if He told us in advance if we would even be willing to do it. I think it would be too much for us. But the constant obedience shapes us so that when the something big does come we are equipped and ready for that step. I don't know just something to think about.

I am thinking of asking if the kids at the orphanage need to learn English. That is something that I could possibly do. But do not focus so much on months in the future, just one step at a time.

Day 6
I still have not asked if they need to learn English but I will.
I have an overwhelming feeling that I do not want to go home. I do not want to go back to reality, to a job that I dislike, to children that are not respectful, to a world that does not know how good we have it.

I also woke up today realizing that the honeymoon period is done. I am getting a bit annoyed with people. This is not uncommon for me, I get annoyed and irritated with people easily especially if we are living together. I found myself being very quiet at the work site today. Anyone would say anything and I was done. I just knew I needed to stay quiet because I knew I would say something that was harsh and that I did not mean.

We had the opportunity to wash dishes after breakfast and I knew that I needed to do it. There was only about 5 of us and I needed something that would be a bit therapeutic. The process that the Haitians go through to wash dishes is very thorough and efficient. We had a big pot that they cooked in, so it had a bunch of stuff stuck on it, we put all the dishes in there with some water. This is where we got all the stuff off of the dishes. Then they would put into soapy water where they were washed, then rinsed two separate times. By the time we were done everything came off the pot so easily. I was amazed at how efficient their methods were.

After this I was in a much better mood. It actually changed my attitude. It was truly a god send.

These days I did not journal as much as before, that could be because I was actually enjoying the area and the children and not contemplating the future so much.

The kitchen and us doing dishes. Every meal was cooked over that fire.

This is the big pot, which I proceeded to get black all over me while cleaning it out.

Kids on a break from school

You will have distractions everywhere, get over it. Haiti day 3-4

Day 3
Today the verse that struck me was in 2 Samuel 12:20, "Do not be afraid," replied Samuel. "You have done evils yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart."

This strikes me because the Israelites have done some bone headed things, but Samuel is reassuring them that it is not over, do not quit, but turn from your evil ways. You are not done. He is not done with you.

I have felt this way, because I have been walking my own path for quite some time. Making my own plans, and have come to realize that they have failed. But He is not done with me, there is still hope.

I had an interesting dream last night, that I had to go back to work a day after being in Haiti. Like I was in Haiti for a day and had to go back. And I was trying to figure out how to get back to Haiti. What I could do, What I could tell them and I thought I needed to quit my job to get back to Haiti. I was wondering if that was a bit prophetic. hmmmmm.

(switch)
Why does this have to happen to me all the time. I come here to be with you and there is a distraction right in front me. It is consuming all of my actions and thoughts. I guess it is a reminder that they are everywhere, distractions. I think that just because I go somewhere isolated in a way that I will be free from distractions, but truly they are everywhere. I felt as though God was saying, " Seriously you thought that just because you traveled somewhere remote that you would be free from everything, your past, your insecurities, your life. You will have distractions everywhere, get over it." Maybe a bit kinder than that, or maybe not.

day 4
Yesterday's reading was interesting because Saul was a very attractive man and much taller than anyone else. The obvious choice for King, that the Israelites so desperately desired. Then when Jesus comes he is not the obvious choice for King in stature, but in his heart and demeanor he is. Where as Saul is an obvious choice in stature and not in demeanor. I find that to be interesting because as humans we are so swayed by beauty. We can over look some major flaws when someone is beautiful and charming. Okay maybe not quite that way, but you know what I am saying.

The question we were asked last night was what would our life look like if Jesus was in control of every aspect?

I often wonder if I have truly sought what you want for me? In some ways I wonder if I am in a way seeing a consequence of my disobedience. That I am in this crossroads or very trying time in life  where I am confused and questioning my path because I have not sought your path but my own. I am not saying I am being punished but there are consequences for every action that you do. I think I am at the end of my plans and have found that they have failed. I chose to be a teacher and just thought that because I enjoyed it that must mean I am meant to do it. I forged ahead full force into this career without really asking if I was meant to do it. I just assumed I figured out my career path, boy am I lucky. Now here I am 2 years into this so called "career" and I do not like it.

(Switch)

I think I am getting a cold =(

(Switch)

Am I just wanting to get out of teaching because it is hard? That is kind of what I do, bail when things get hard.

I am completely wiped today. Very tired.

Our mountain we moved. This dirt/cliff was all the way to that wood wall.

Love these kids. Funny faces transcends cultures.

I miss her. Musline (not sure of spelling, this is how we pronounced it. lol)

One of the classrooms.