MEXICO! WEDDING!

Just got back from my brother's wedding in Mexico. I have been looking forward to this for almost a year. It was beautiful, the ocean was amazing, I have always been fond of the ocean. It is quite tranquil, it is almost like no matter what is going on it doesn't matter when I am standing in front of the repetitious ebb and flow of water that never ends. It has the calming effect and at the same time it scares me. I cannot comprehend it, I cannot see the end of it, what is underneath it is unknown to me.

It brings life into perspective, reminds me that I am small and quite insignificant, but I am also quite powerful.

I love weddings, when the bride walks down the isle I take a quick glance at the bride and then switch my gaze to the groom and watch his reaction. I end up looking back and forth between the bride and the groom. I find that grooms change when their bride is walking toward them. Their whole demeanor changes. They become soft and gentle and the love that is in their eyes is one that I cannot match or put words too. But I will try. It is like you are coming face to face with everything that you long for. It is all right in front of you and it will be yours, all yours, forever.

Weddings are beautiful to me, they are full of bliss, love, encouragement, laughter, memories. I have been to two weddings in the last week and one of them I was in which was hard to watch the groom, but my brother is smitten. He starts tearing up at just the mention of the love that they share. I adore their relationship. I long for something of that caliber when I get married. Even to just feel that for a moment would be worth it.

I was watching on Grey's Anatomy and the writers for the show always have great monologues. This one really struck me.

Meredith: There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . .

Read more: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/greys-anatomy/#ixzz1QFEM4Ruw

I am not in a relationship, I am in some ways alone. and I do feel this way a lot of the time. that I do not know if I could be vulnerable enough to let someone in the way what I would need to for a healthy relationship. I have been on my own for so long that I wonder if I can do this with someone else so close all the time. And what if it did fall apart? Would I be able to handle it. But then again I do not want to leave in fear. Not doing certain things because of what might happen, if I did that I should just sit at home all of the time and not do anything.

Love is everything, not the cliched love, but the all consuming, putting others first, not selfish, Action not only emotion. It is what makes our world go round and what allows poets to write and artists to create, it is what passion comes out of and our souls yearn for. Love is all around us.

Returning home after university.

So I have a couple additions to my summer to-do list:

-go to a Broadway play or a play in general.

-do something that allows me to be more cultured

-See a Ballet

So I have hung out with a few different groups of friends since I have been home. It is odd because most of us do not have our own places so we are living at home and when we hang out if we do not go out, we hang out at someone's house. It is just like high school. Another realization that I have had being home is that since I went far away to school I have no cross over friends. I have my Freeport friends, and my University friends and to be really picky I also have my group from Ecuador. While I was hanging out with these two groups of friends, also no crossovers within these two groups either, I did enjoy it, but I could not help feeling as though it was just like high school. I have grown so much over the past 6 years, as I have mentioned, and there is no one at home that took those strides with me. So the friends from home are not going to push me to be that person I have become because really they do not exactly know who I am.

It is not their fault, because I am terrible at keeping in touch and when so much time passes by I cannot relate to them the daily or even weekly milestones that have been conquered. They only get the jist, or the ending result. They still might see me as the Erica from high school. And that is not who I am.

I want to be challenged and I want to be pushed to reach the potential that I am suppose to reach. I do not want to digress, my blog is not called digress it is called egress, I am not going back by I am exiting into something new, not old.

Just some thoughts about returning home. I have others, they will come soon!

Summertime

So I have been home now for almost a month. I have not crossed much off of my to-do list.

This is the list (it will become longer)

-camping

-games, baseball, and soccer

-something completely spontaneous

-go to Chicago more

-go shop in Galena and Paoli

-have a night where I am completely unhindered

-go to a movie by myself

-go golfing more

to name a few

I have been spending time pondering. This can be a good thing, but has the potential to be quite negative. I am a college graduate, deciding to live at home, making little more than minimum wage, trying to stay true to myself in most ways, but also feeling this need to push the boundaries of me or to be more like ____________. I thought that this stage in my life was over, and I wonder if coming home rekindles its flame. I love being close to home do not get me wrong, and by close I am smack dab on the spot, but I wonder if those parts of me that I left behind when I left did not really go anywhere, but stayed here and waited for me to come back.

Since I left I have become quite fond of who I am. I have come to grips with many of the insecurities that I have and the different tendencies that I grew up with. These are no longer flaws but the imperfections of a masterpiece that prove it to be one of a kind. I do not want my returning home to hinder that mind frame, or maybe the testing will just make it stronger.

We will wait and see.

Saw Bridesmaids last night. I give it a 8/10. very funny. the vomiting scene, priceless. anyone would have lashed out at the end.