Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

What is wrong with me--my transition home.

So this post is a long time coming.

How do you put things into words. How do you express what something has done for you and to you?

That is partly why I haven't finished my thank you letters, because I can't do it. I can't process it, I can't even. As the youths would say.

**Disclaimer, I am going to be extremely vulnerable, please do not hold it against me.


When I first arrived home, my transition was a breeze. I was ready for America, I needed fruits and vegetables, AC, a bed without a bug net, a hot shower, to drive, to flush my TP, to go where I want when I want. I seriously thought that transitioning after one week was more difficult than transitioning after 10. That was the first few weeks and slowly it has become harder and harder.

It started with not feeling a lot. I was pretty even keeled. No extreme highs and no extreme lows. Just emotionless. Except when it came to feeling irritated. Oh that I felt and feel often and very strongly. It is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way and it is not others that do it to me, it is totally me and my inability to be a human being right now.


But more recently my apathy and indifference has gotten worse. When I have explained this to some people they make comments about me being in a valley. I do not think I am in a valley because there is feeling and emotion tied to that, despair and sadness. Then someone said then are you in a desert season, No there is emotion tied to that one too. a yearning for things to be different and being dry and needing to be filled up again. No I think that I am in a white, blank, room. Or maybe not even a room I cannot tell because it is blank and white, which is ironic because our video series this summer with Next Step was all filmed in a white box.

I maybe am slightly angry at God. Why can't things be easier, I know he never promised that, but in my darkest parts I wonder this. I was fine with waiting, I was fine with letting Him lead. But that has turned into apathy. How did people do it in the Bible when they waited years to see the fruit, years to see the blessing, years to see the promise and I cannot make it months.

I have been wondering what is wrong with me because if you knew me at all, I care. You know that I care, and almost to a fault. I have a heart for people and helping them see that they need Jesus and that He is the only thing that can change anything. If you know me, you know these things to be true. So I have been asking God and myself what is wrong with me when I do not seem to care. I do not seem to care about anything. I do not really want to build relationships, I still continue to do so because I know that I should, but I do not necessarily want to. I continue to go through the motions if you will of church, small group, and being involved at the church because I know I should, not so much because I want to. I do want to remain faithful to the one who is faithful.

I know the truth, I know where to find it. I know I am valued by Him, loved fiercely by Him. That He has me so what should I be afraid of. I know all of these things. And they had penetrated my heart, I didn't just know them, I lived them and believed them. And now it is almost as if I have saran wrap over my heart, and things just cannot get in. I feel as though I live in a fog. Where nothing really affects me. I know things should affect me, the passing of a family member or a hurricane that rips apart a country that is dear to my heart, but they don't. It is almost as if the shock of the news evaporates before it gets to me and so it is just words, images that hold no emotional attachment.

I do not wish to be living like this, but I am unsure of how to change it. I truly feel as though it is just a phase. That feelings will reenter my life and I will have a passion for His people again. But right now, I cannot help but feel what I feel, even if I am slightly ashamed by it.

This has not been an easy transition. I do know that He is faithful, that He loves me even in my weakest moments, even when I do not necessarily know how to love Him back. The truths of who God is, even if they cannot penetrate my heart, I hope will get me through.

This song has been my thoughts put into lyrics.
Paralyzed

But for now I will not hid the feelings, I will share them, because I think many people feel as I feel after a time away and maybe do not understand what to do about it. Or think they are alone and, as I felt, that there is something wrong with them, which there isn't. I think we have experienced things that our minds, bodies, and souls do not really know how to cope with. As John said earthly beings think of earthly things and maybe we saw a taste of the above, and we cannot understand how to move forward with that. Maybe.

Until then...