Rediscovering Christmas 3

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Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Mark 9:33-37

This passage is when Jesus asks his disciples what they were talking about. They do not want to tell him because they were arguing about who was the greatest or as I say, the favorite. Then he tells them that they need to serve. And being a servant means you are the lowest. PERIOD. Then it doesn't matter where you rank because you, by being a servant, have placed yourself on the bottom.

My human side of me starts to rebuke that a bit, and thinks that it is self deprecating to live like this. Then people will walk all over you. You will need to at some point stick up for yourself. Then I remember Jesus. Who could have come into this world in a blaze of glory, but he didn't. He came in as a helpless, fragile, baby. And not with a crazy reception, in a beautiful home/inn. Where everyone was there to witness it. But in a stable or cave with no witnesses but the mother and the father. He could have risen into power. But He chose to spend most of his time with those that were not powerful, that were placed on the outside of society. He made himself low with every choice he made, the connections he had, and even where he spent his time.

The next part of this section Jesus brings a child to himself and remarks that anyone who receives a child in Jesus's name receives Jesus and whoever receives Jesus receives the one who sent Jesus, the father, God.

Right after Jesus talks about being a servant and making yourself last, he talks about receiving a child. I do not think these are separate I think they go together. People to do not often think of children well. Not that they dislike them, but more so that children are naive and cannot contribute to society yet... the list can go on. I think of the saying "A child should be seen and not heard." They do not have anything meaningful to contribute. But here Jesus is saying that they do, they have meaning, they should be thought of, welcomed in, brought up, received. I would make the parallel that children are low, just as a servant is meant to be low. That children are like the outsiders that Jesus strove to connect with. And we must connect with them too, not just when they get older, but now, when they are young. They do have contributions, we think they are naive, but really they trust wholeheartedly. They have not been tainted by the world yet. They trust because they have not been given a reason not to yet.

It is interesting to think that a child/children were so close to Jesus that he was able to take one in his arms with ease. Children were around him and He didn't seem to mind.

Where do you spend the majority of your time, who is there, what are you doing? Are you serving, or being served? Take time this Christmas season to serve.

Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Matthew 1- the genealogy of Jesus.

I have been reading a book called The Grace of God by Andy Stanley for the college group that I help out with at my church. It has reminded me that God uses the least likely people, or the people who did not have perfect lives, to bring about his ultimate promise.

Looking through the bloodline of Jesus it is riddled with adulterers, liars, murderers, a prostitute, but more importantly changed people. All of these people  made mistakes, and some mistakes were pretty huge mistakes, but God still chose to use them, to bring Jesus into this world. That is grace. That is redemption.

Judah for example slept with his daughter in law, unknowingly- after treating her horribly, Rahab a prostitute and not a Jew, but a converted Jew, David who slept with someone else's wife, then killed her husband to cover it up. When the wife is mentioned in the genealogy there was an indiscretion, that son that was born by those parents, when they are both mentioned, was formed through an extremely sinful act or by a defiled person. But God still chose to use them and Matthew chose to mention them. I do not think that He chose to mention them to bring shame to them, but to show the grace of our God. The entire Bible is a story about Grace, and what more fitting way that our savior was brought into this world through grace story after grace story after grace story.

Then we come to Joseph, who God would choose to father his son Jesus. I cannot imagine what Joseph had to be feeling to deserve such an honor. I feel as though he was feeling one of two things initially, very flattered and honored, or why me, I cannot do this. You are asking too much. Or maybe it was a combination of the two. Or maybe one came first, and another, after it started to sink in, came later. Also thinking about how all of these previous generations that are mentioned in Matthew 1 were anticipating this, expecting it, how did that affected Joseph. People and their expectations can reek havoc on our self concept and also on what is being asked of us.  Other's expectations have no influence on what our God is capable of, if he is asking you to do it, it is less about you and more about Him. He will not fail, He will follow through.

Usually when I am asked to do something that scares me I am in shock at first, because why else would I agree, then almost immediately after I say yes self doubt creeps in. Then while I am doing it God makes it happen. God makes me strong enough, or capable enough. He allows me to rise the occasion. But the time in between being asked and actually performing said action, anxiety can have its way with me. I very much have to choose to either let anxiety take over or give it to God. This choice is almost daily.

So what is God asking you to do that seems ridiculous. I challenge you to make a plan to accomplish this. You can do it, and more importantly if He is asking you to, you cannot fail.

Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

What is wrong with me--my transition home.

So this post is a long time coming.

How do you put things into words. How do you express what something has done for you and to you?

That is partly why I haven't finished my thank you letters, because I can't do it. I can't process it, I can't even. As the youths would say.

**Disclaimer, I am going to be extremely vulnerable, please do not hold it against me.


When I first arrived home, my transition was a breeze. I was ready for America, I needed fruits and vegetables, AC, a bed without a bug net, a hot shower, to drive, to flush my TP, to go where I want when I want. I seriously thought that transitioning after one week was more difficult than transitioning after 10. That was the first few weeks and slowly it has become harder and harder.

It started with not feeling a lot. I was pretty even keeled. No extreme highs and no extreme lows. Just emotionless. Except when it came to feeling irritated. Oh that I felt and feel often and very strongly. It is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way and it is not others that do it to me, it is totally me and my inability to be a human being right now.


But more recently my apathy and indifference has gotten worse. When I have explained this to some people they make comments about me being in a valley. I do not think I am in a valley because there is feeling and emotion tied to that, despair and sadness. Then someone said then are you in a desert season, No there is emotion tied to that one too. a yearning for things to be different and being dry and needing to be filled up again. No I think that I am in a white, blank, room. Or maybe not even a room I cannot tell because it is blank and white, which is ironic because our video series this summer with Next Step was all filmed in a white box.

I maybe am slightly angry at God. Why can't things be easier, I know he never promised that, but in my darkest parts I wonder this. I was fine with waiting, I was fine with letting Him lead. But that has turned into apathy. How did people do it in the Bible when they waited years to see the fruit, years to see the blessing, years to see the promise and I cannot make it months.

I have been wondering what is wrong with me because if you knew me at all, I care. You know that I care, and almost to a fault. I have a heart for people and helping them see that they need Jesus and that He is the only thing that can change anything. If you know me, you know these things to be true. So I have been asking God and myself what is wrong with me when I do not seem to care. I do not seem to care about anything. I do not really want to build relationships, I still continue to do so because I know that I should, but I do not necessarily want to. I continue to go through the motions if you will of church, small group, and being involved at the church because I know I should, not so much because I want to. I do want to remain faithful to the one who is faithful.

I know the truth, I know where to find it. I know I am valued by Him, loved fiercely by Him. That He has me so what should I be afraid of. I know all of these things. And they had penetrated my heart, I didn't just know them, I lived them and believed them. And now it is almost as if I have saran wrap over my heart, and things just cannot get in. I feel as though I live in a fog. Where nothing really affects me. I know things should affect me, the passing of a family member or a hurricane that rips apart a country that is dear to my heart, but they don't. It is almost as if the shock of the news evaporates before it gets to me and so it is just words, images that hold no emotional attachment.

I do not wish to be living like this, but I am unsure of how to change it. I truly feel as though it is just a phase. That feelings will reenter my life and I will have a passion for His people again. But right now, I cannot help but feel what I feel, even if I am slightly ashamed by it.

This has not been an easy transition. I do know that He is faithful, that He loves me even in my weakest moments, even when I do not necessarily know how to love Him back. The truths of who God is, even if they cannot penetrate my heart, I hope will get me through.

This song has been my thoughts put into lyrics.
Paralyzed

But for now I will not hid the feelings, I will share them, because I think many people feel as I feel after a time away and maybe do not understand what to do about it. Or think they are alone and, as I felt, that there is something wrong with them, which there isn't. I think we have experienced things that our minds, bodies, and souls do not really know how to cope with. As John said earthly beings think of earthly things and maybe we saw a taste of the above, and we cannot understand how to move forward with that. Maybe.

Until then...

Seven weeks in- The Haiti adventure

So I am seven weeks in. Crazy how time is going by pretty quickly but also at a pace that I can manage. The last 3 weeks have flown by though and I can only imagine that these next three weeks, my last three weeks here, are going to go by too quickly. I am going to begin having some of my lasts coming up soon. I am not quite ready for that.

I do check ins with the staff of Next Step almost weekly and of course, and rightfully so, I get the question of how am I doing spiritually. For the first few weeks of summer I was doing well in this department. I was taking my time with Him, putting in the effort that is needed, but I can always be putting in more. But these last few weeks, it has started to slide a bit. I know some of that is because of my own prioritizing of things. But some of it is also because no one is pushing me here. No one is challenging me. Who you surround yourself with truly does matter. And I have found that I need to be around people that are striving hard for a life that more closely resembles Jesus every single day. Not just people who need Him when they need Him and otherwise they do not necessarily care if their lives match up to what He has called us too.

All too often we get into these places in life, I am currently in one, where our love of God, or our relationship with Him does not seem to have a huge impact on our daily lives. I hate this. I do not want to have a faith that does not change every aspect of my life. If this knowledge and wisdom of who Jesus is caused His disciples to give up their lives for it, for him then it should affect my life to greater degree than I believe it is.

But the best part about this, is that He is not a God that is sitting up their angry with you and your lack of faith, or lack of effort. He is there, in your life, actively in your life whether you sense it or not. He is luring you back. And the best time is now for you to turn and change. If you are sick of something being a certain way then do something about it. For me, I am not okay with my relationship with Him to be subpar. I am going to do something about it today. For me right now, it is being honest with myself and everyone else as to where I am. And then next it is going to be opening up my Bible and spending some time with the one person that knows me inside and out, the good the bad and the very ugly sides of me and still loves me the same.

Four weeks in- the Haiti Adventure

I had been meaning to post a blog post every week I was in Haiti. But wifi has proved to be an interesting thing. I thought I would have good wifi on Fridays when we go to the beach. But the wifi is not strong enough, or it is being used by too many people. There is a food place that has great food and “wifi” but the two out of the four times I have been there it hasn’t worked.

Also the truth is I do not know what to write. For someone who thinks a lot and questions things and contemplates what is around me I do not have a lot to say. It is almost like I want something profound, I want to write something that means something every single time and when I do not feel it, or think it is unimportant I shrug it off and deem it not worthy to be written. But we are not all profound and deep all of the time. We are not always learning something that is crazy intellectual. Sometimes we are merely doing life, as we would in the states, but we are not in the states.

I am sorry for not having something better. For not being the amazing window into a world most of us do not know.

Some things I have learned while living in Haiti for four weeks.

1.     Nothing is ever on time.

No matter how much you think it might be, people are either 2 hours early (the tap tap) or a half an hour late (meals). They very much have this concept of when I get to it. This is not always a bad thing, but it is hard to adjust to when you are used to things being pretty punctual.

2.     Haiti has a smell

There is a distinct scent to Haiti. It is not always a particularly bad smell, but it is not roses and daisies either. I actually am finding that I am smelling more and more like Haiti. And I do not really hate it.

3.     Your feet are never clean

Even if you wear shoes, even if you wear socks your feet will never be clean. I am not sure how it happens, how it seeps into your sneakers but it was something that I had to get over very quickly. (ya see I very much like clean feet, and do not really enjoy dirty feet)

4.     The views are breathtaking

The mountain views while we drive up to Fond Blanc, with the different rivers coursing through it. The steep sides of the peaks with their small trails coiling around it. The villagers trekking up the paths with ease as they balance all sorts of bags and buckets on their heads. The ocean that is a shade of blue you cannot recreate with a brush or a filter. These views are beautiful. They take my breath away because I am speechless to be able to explain them. Then there are the other views that take my breath away for a different reason. The mounds of trash on the side of the road. The trash that is lining the river almost as a retaining wall. The different farm animals that have ribs protruding from their sides. The many buildings in disarray, half standing, half fallen away a long time ago and those establishments that seem to have been started then long forgotten. These views are hard for me to erase and even harder to understand the juxtaposition of the former views amidst the latter.

5.     Pit stains are inevitable

It is hot, I mean hot, all the time. There are times when it is less hot, but never when it is cold. Or so we say as Americans but the Haitians would call it cold. I am not one of the girls or people who doesn’t sweat. I very much sweat and very much do it a lot. So pit stains became something that I stopped caring about very quickly. And you know when it is truly hot, because the Haitians are even sweating. Fun fact.

6.     Nothing is easy

Everything besides bags for popcorn, oil and a soda is an hour drive into civilization. We are very much removed from normal life, which I love, but that also means that things are not convenient. You have to plan ahead.  Water, food, airport, beach, anything else you want is an hour to two hours away. Get in an accident and not conveniently located by the police station good luck having any sort of justice. Even driving up the mountain, not easy.

Two weeks in- The Haiti Adventure

I have been in Haiti for two weeks now. And for some odd reason it still feels like I am only here for a short term trip, which I know I kind of still am only here for a short time.  The sweat is a very real thing. Very real. All the time real. But it rains most nights, so that cools it down. I am learning Creole which has been helpful, but there are still some people who insist on speaking to me in Creole and I am usually lost, but they are extremely gracious and kind.

The last post was one where I was not confident in this speaking role. I cannot say that I am overly confident now, but I can say that God has continued to speak through me every single night. I practice my talks numerous times but right before I go up and speak I still feel like I have no idea what the flow is of my talk. When we are singing the worship songs in the beginning I often wonder, God what am I talking about again, what is the sequence of my words. And every time without fail He comes through and speaks through me. Every time my talk is also a little different which I like, because then I know that the Spirit is taking it. It is not memorized. But the same ideas are there every time.  I am still not the most confident, I still wonder if God got it right. If I am really the one that He chose to do this role, but here I am, here, speaking almost every night. Leading this staff of people the best way possible. All with His strength and wisdom.

God has continually been surprising me. When I get annoyed with someone or think they aren’t pulling their weight they do something that changes my negative thoughts about them. It is almost like God is reminding me that they are useful and productive even if it is not always in the way that I want them to be.  

It is truly hard to put into words what these few weeks have been like. I have, we have, had to be very flexible. Haiti is very much run on its own timetable. It is rare for things to actually be on time.  So I am having to continually roll with it and make decisions on the fly that I feel are best. I take input from the staff if I can and see what they think, because truly more thoughts are better than just my own. But then I have to make the decision, that is not my favorite part about being the leader.

I have been pretty good at delegating which I thought was going to be difficult. The responsibilities of this role scared me a lot but He has been faithful and has made me capable. I do not feel like I am in over my head at all.  I have one teammate who has become almost like my assistant for lack of a better word. She knows pretty well that when the leader says something it is not always received very well so she takes it on herself to call people out, in a loving way, and to help out in those areas. I am extremely grateful for her and truly believe that one reason God has placed her here is for that.  But also many other reasons. She connects with the children at the orphanage in a way that is truly beautiful. (Oh and by the way I have realized that I use the word truly a lot, I was doing one of my talks and I noticed I was saying it all the time.)

I am learning a lot. I am learning how to be a selfless leader. I am continuing to learn when it is necessary to call people out and keep them accountable and when it is just necessary to take it, grin and bear it for lack of a better term.

The road has been a huge inconvenience. But also a huge blessing. It has allowed the groups to get out of the orphanage and truly, there it is again, be among the community they are serving in. They have been working alongside the Haitians to rebuild this road and it has been beautiful to watch. To see them playing games with the village children or try and chat with the adult villagers has been refreshing and has inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. To not worry so much about the work, but about the relationships, because that is what this is all about. The relationships. 

Oh Moses

So I have always been pretty hard on Moses.

When God first calls him to lead the Israelites and calls him to talk to Pharaoh, Moses makes excuses. He comes up with so many and God dismisses every one of them with truth. The truth that if you have God you cannot fail.

I always was annoyed with Moses in this moment. I always felt like he was a coward and so insecure.  I mean come on, God is talking directly to you and you are going to be scared of doing what he asks. Come on Moses.

Right now I have a new appreciation for Moses and his struggles. I may make this be a bigger deal than it is, which Moses probably did too. God is asking me to speak. To speak to people about Him. But I doubt my ability to speak. I doubt my voice. My unique voice.

God, like He did with Moses (maybe not to such a great degree but it is all for the kingdom), is calling me to speak this summer. To use the unique voice that He gave me to share His words this summer. And I doubt it. I question if I am capable. I sound like Moses when I say seriously God who am I, that I should do this. (Exodus 3:11). And God says to Moses (and me), "I will be with you."  (Exodus 3:12) That is basically all He says to Moses. I am with you. Because truly that is enough.

I do not feel qualified to be doing what I am doing this summer. Leading these people, speaking to these people, and maybe really I am not qualified. But God says, "I am with you." And that is enough and should be enough.

I have not officially left yet for Haiti, still in training. And feeling as though I may be failing in some areas, but as I have been saying I feel like we are our own worst critic. But even if I fail, even if I completely botch something, He still is there. He still is with me. He still loves me and did not abandon me.

This scripture came up in my Jesus Calling today.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"I am with you."
It has to be enough.

I am not ready!

So tomorrow is the day.

Well actually next Saturday is the big day. But tomorrow is the day I officially say good-bye. So tomorrow is the day.

I have moments when I am doing really good. When I know that God has it all. That he will take care of everything here and there. When I am completely at peace about everything.

Then there are moments when the emotions overtake me. When I cannot seem to think about leaving these people. When I already feel the weight of missing them and I cannot anymore. I can't seem to think of those moments when God has it all. When I am completely content with what God has for me. The emotions become too heavy.

My emotions are all over the place and this will not change when I arrive in Haiti. I know that I will have crazy emotions a lot of the time. But I do hope that I can abide in Him to help me sort them out.

I am super excited for this opportunity. It is going to stretch and grow me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. But I know that those times, when you are being stretched are not necessarily those moments that while you are in them seem fantastic. I know that I am going to have some great moments. Seriously great moments. But I also know that I will have moments when life becomes too much. Living can become too much. And I want to curl up in a ball and just not live for a little bit. To not do life for a minute. I know I will have times when circumstances and what is right in front of me becomes everything. And I lose perspective. I have stopped looking to Him and I started to look around me. When I am not longer dwelling on things above, but on things on this earth. When I stopped fixing my eyes on the unseen instead of the seen. (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Colossians 3:2).

Many people have asked if I am ready for this adventure. And every single time I respond with, "As ready as I will ever be." But truly do you ever feel ready. When you take a leap of faith, do you ever feel ready? And if you feel ready does that mean you are relying too much on your own understanding and knowledge and less on trusting God and having faith that He will meet you and guide you and fill in the gaps?

I am not ready. I am not ready to lead, I am not ready to teach. I am not ready to live so far out of my comfort zone, for a longer period of time than I probably every have. But to me that just means that I will be relying on Him for absolutely everything. He will be what gets me through this summer. I will not be able to take credit for any of it. I do think that I have the best mindset than I ever have before a missions trip. I know I am not capable of this, before when I was preparing for these trips I knew that I could do what was required of us. (not to be prideful, I just knew that I wouldn't be asked to do things that were too difficult for me) and the difficult parts of the trip where emotional. This time I am asked to do things that frankly scare me. Scare might not be the right word, but I truly do not feel qualified. But as He said to Moses, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) Or when I am wondering what to say, when I am struggling with what to teach, just as he said to Moses "who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exodus 4:11-12). These truths will be with me.

A song that came up recently a Spotify playlist I found Top Christian Tracks, if you want to find it yourself, Thy will. Here are the lyrics that I love.

“I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here / I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart is a part of your plan / When I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt and these four words.”
Chrous:
“Thy will be done (x3).”
“I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about / It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises / Sometimes I gotta stop / Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So …”
“Thy will be done (X3) / Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is / Thy will be done (X2) / Thy will.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord.”


Read More: Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, Thy Will [Listen]

Even though I might not understand what is going on. I truly do want whatever He wants. I know His plan is perfect and I want His plan. Truly Thy Will Be Done!

I also read something that someone sent me on Instagram today. It very much goes along with what I have been experiencing in my life recently and has also been a common theme in my thought process for the last year or two. This idea that God does not give us the entire plan. He doesn't even give us 2 steps in advance. He gives us just what we need.

lysaterkeurst 
God is teaching me so much about really trusting Him. Fully. Completely.
Without suggestions or projections I just need to embrace the very next thing He shows me. And then the next.
Though the long path is uncertain, He's so faithful to shed just enough light to see the very next step.
This isn't Him being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of His mercy.

Too much revelation and we'd pridefully run ahead of Him. Too little and we'd be paralyzed with fear.
So I'm seeking slivers of His light just for today and filling the gaps of the unknown with trust.



I needed this so much, she put it into words that I have failed to be able to do. Haiti is my next step. Even within Haiti I know I will have many other steps. But God will give me just enough light to view those next steps. Trust is what God asks of us and that is what I am going to do this summer. When things do not make sense, which they do not the majority of the time with God, I will trust. When I feel as though I am in over my head, I will trust. When things are not going as I had planned, I will trust. When my emotions are overtaking me, I will trust. When things are too hard, I will trust.

I will trust in Him.

You're doing what?

So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.


What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.


The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?

I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that?  Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?

We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient.  But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.

In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.

So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.

So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer  I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!

Just wait for those opportunities to come a knockin'

I was told a few months back that when you take a step toward Christ, take a leap of faith in obedience to what He has called you to do, just wait for the doors to open. The opportunities to come knocking. I did not fully understand what he meant when he said that but now I am beginning to see it unfold.

Six months ago I applied for an internship position in Haiti that most of you know about. I did this because I felt a nudging to do so even though it was completely out of my comfort zone. I guess I shouldn't say completely but aspects of it, large aspects of it, are out of my comfort zone. But I finally surrendered to His will and applied. Then I got accepted and then came the above conversation. At the time when this conversation was happening I did not know what he was talking about. What doors would open, what opportunities, because to be honest I have now lived in this town for a few years and not much has changed. Not many opportunities have come a knockin.

Well as they say hindsight is 20/20. Because over the past 6 months opportunities have come a knockin. But not in the way that I would have thought. I feel as though we invision the doors to be these huge endeavors, these opportunities that are out of this world. And not to say they they may not be, but I think we miss the little things that God is doing, the smaller doors that He is opening for us. God is doing things around us and in us everyday, we just do not take time to notice it. And these doors are nothing miraculous but they are opportunities I do not think I would have had if I had not taken that first leap.

I had already been working with the high school ministry at my church, but I began working with the college age as well starting in January. One of my fellow leaders encouraged, our forced whichever way you want to look at it, me to teach some of our get togethers. Now I had not ever done something like this before, but as he said, "You will be doing this in Haiti." I decided to take a leap of faith and do it. So I have now taught three times there and each time it gets a little easier. Each time I learn something new about sharing with a group of people. I learn that success is not gauged by what I can necessarily see, what change I see in them, but by listening to the Spirit and being obedient to what He has laid on my heart to say. I have also learned that you do not need to know everything or have taken a lot of classes on the Bible in order to teach something that God has taught you. This has taken some of the pressure off. Not that I take this lightly at all, but I also feel like I can put too much pressure on making it sound good, or right, or being truth. I just need to listen to the Spirit and follow what I feel He is requiring of me. That has been awesome to watch unfold, seeing maybe a skill I necessarily did not know I had. I know I went to school to teach, and I love teaching, but I guess I always thought teaching God's word was too lofty for me to attain. And maybe on my own it was. But I have to understand that if God desires it for me, then He will make me able because He is never wrong and truly He doesn't fail.

For my Haiti trip I have to teach a few 5 minute lessons in front of a crowd and video tape them. (Ugh not my favorite thing in the world, I have actually not even watched them.) I did one in February and because of that I was asked to do a lesson on our youth's spring break trip to Myrtle Beach. Now this trip I went on all four years of high school and it impacted my life greatly, so I was very excited to go, but also very nervous to have the same impact that the leaders did when I went. I quickly dismissed some of those pressures because I know it will be different. But this was still a huge step of faith. It was not leading small group discussions, as my college group lessons had been. It was going to be me, just me, speaking what I felt God had laid on my heart to say. One of the first daunting tasks was simply writing the lesson. Where do I start, what do I say? But I found that things start to just flow. Read and read and read some more and then listen. And see what He says. It was kind of crazy how easy thoughts came together and how even after I had created my outline I went over a few more times and He made things clear to me, things to focus on and things to narrow in on. Even my application point, had not been developed until the night before, seriously while I could not sleep at midnight or one in the morning it started to take shape. But I did not worry or stress about it, because I have come to realize that all things are made known in their own time. Ecclesiastes 3.

I am very excited to see what other doors may open and what other talents/abilities God is going to develop in me. I am by no means puffing myself up, I am simply making myself available to whatever He would have me do/be. I am a small part in His grand plan and am thankful to play whatever part He has for me.

A beautiful mess-living life with people

Yesterday was rough.

It started rough and ended pretty rough.

There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.

But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.

It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.

Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.

You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.

Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.

I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.

I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.

One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.