the stereotype

So I am at home by myself on a Saturday night. My mom is away for the weekend. My go-to friend is away as well, does that sounds bad? go-to friend? anyway... I am thinking about how as a college graduate I am the stereotype, I moved home.

I am in my mi-mid- oh man my midtwenties now, wow that is hard to grasp. I was working at the video store last night and my new manager said he felt older than he was at 22 and I said that I do not feel as old as I am. I seriously do not, high school in some ways feel like yesterday, not seven years ago. It is weird, time just keeps going and I, in some ways feel as though I cannot catch up. It is an odd feeling, hard to describe.

Back to the subject at hand. I am the stereotype. I live at home. I am not completely ashamed by it. It is the sensible decision to make. But I also wonder if any self-respecting boy is going to find it remotely attractive. But then I also think that I do not really care because right now, to be completely honest, I am not looking for anyone, in that sort of way. These are the ramblings of my mind, after two glasses of wine and some solitude!

Stay tune for some more! My mind is always a going.

INKed

So I have really wanted to get a tattoo. Not just because it is trendy or edgy but because I was realizing that it was very easy for me to forget who I had become and desired to be. I had taken so much to try and understand what God thinks of his people. What truly his affections are toward us. The resounding answer was the idea of love, this type of unconditional love that is not contingent on how I behave, but has been constant since beginning of time. Realizing that no matter what I do God will love me the same is completely freeing. I had been living in a cycle of shame and guilt, that is how my relationship with God was fueled. Or my life in general. And now I can be free of that destructive type of thinking, which is not of God. And be free to understand that He is here all of the time and He possible of anything and all I have to do is give myself to him and allow him to transform you. Just being there and being open. He will seriously do wonders that you never dreamed of. It is amazing to me that I can forget this type of sacrifice and love, but as fallen people we are prone to forget some of the greatest things that happen and focus on the bad things.

So a few years ago I was realizing that it would be good to have a constant reminder of who I desire to be. This was the first time that I even thought of getting a tattoo. I have always liked them, but never thought I would actually get one, until now.

But I am so indecisive.

It takes me forever to decide what to eat if there are more than 5 options. It took me 4 years to finally pick a pair of TOMS. enough said.

I also really enjoy being original, very difficult in this society at times, but with getting a tattoo I want something original, I don't just want to get the word LOVE because I hate to say it but it is a bit cliche. I also want to get it in a place that is different and not just the usual.

See I have these thoughts going through my head every time I think about getting a tattoo. Which makes me think I might not even do it. But I have to, I cannot just let my indecisiveness get in my way, but it is a serious decision as well. It is there forever!

This is my conflict.

I like idea of love in a different language.

Writing daughter in Hebrew.

Just be-

Loved-

redeemed-

Or something of the sort. I would like it on my right hand somewhere, I think.

Oh the mind of me! Crazy!

Present Vs. Future Minded

I took a trip.

I traveled to Denver to visit a friend and had a great time. I was able to see some great scenery and eat at some great places. I was even able to visit a private school while I was out there. It is a really nice school and I would love an opportunity to teach at it. But we shall see. I am have some struggles with how much I should be focusing on the future while still being present. We are always told to live in the here and now do not worry about the past because it is the past and do not worry about the future because today have enough troubles as it is.

But...

I know that I am suppose to be "doing" something, putting in job applications, inquiring about openings, looking online. I know that God would wants doers, not just thinkers or great intentions. But how much am I suppose to be preparing for something that is not right now. I have a job, very stinkin grateful, so should I be focusing on finding a job when I already have one.

I have said before that I am not very good at planning or preparing for the future if I have stuff going on right now. I have found that I cannot put my all into my job or whatever it may be that I am currently doing if I thinking and planning for my next step. So I find that I can only do both half-assed if I am doing them both at the same time.

I did not learn this recently, but it is coming up again. I am not an over-achiever. In school I never went the extra mile, I did not proofread my papers twice, I lucky if I even did it once. I rarely studied for tests for more than a few hours. I just did what I did and did decent. And I was okay with that. I would though, go the extra mile in my relationships. they were things I cared a bit more about. So I am finding that if I was an over-achiever in school I might be more driven to put out so many applications. But I do put some applications out and do a little extra with those, so many opportunities will develop even with those few feelers I put out there.

Here's to seeing what the future holds, and trying to be immersed in the present.