I do want to get married....
There I said it. That wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.
I am finally admitting that to myself. I think for a long time I didn't want to admit that I actually wanted that to be a part of my life because then I was hoping for something that might not happen. I did not want to experience that let down. I did not want to put it out there for the world to see and then have them see me as a failure. So I did not admit that I actually do want to get married. I found that to be safer, I found it to be better to say, "I don't think I will ever be married." (which truly there is a major part of me that thinks that, that still has a twisted view of God in some ways. That I see him up there holding out as a way of teasing me)
There is still a part of me that thinks I am not worthy of marriage. ( I know many of you are rolling your eyes, or thinking how I can think that way, but if you are honest with yourselves, in those deep places there are areas where you feel this too. where you feel as though you are not worthy of ________ or that you have a distorted idea of God and you think that he is punishing you or teasing you too because something that you desire (and it is not a harmful desire) isn't happening.)
I know that this is Satan. I know that God is good, loving, and his timing and plan are completely perfect. Have I grown in this area, trusting him with everything, yes. Do I still feel as though I have a long ways to go. Most definitely.
Here is a letter I wrote to God a few weeks ago.
God,
I know where I am is where I am supposed to be. But I often feel like I am missing something. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I know there isn't, but it is hard to feel as though I am who I am supposed to be and no one seems to be attracted to it. I know this is not the point. I know all of these things, but sometimes my feelings betray what I know. And I feel as though I have tried, I have put my heart out there, but nothing is happening. Which to me means it is not right now. And there is part of me that seems to want the "for right now" in place of the forever, in place of what I really want, just so that I can feel something. I think I am saying I want experience, but really I want something mediocre until something better comes around. That will hurt more than help, thank you for protecting me from that. Even if in the moment it hurts. Even if it doesn't feel like it's what I want. I know it is what is best. And I don't want to give my heart to a bunch of people. As the song "Settled" says, "I want to save my best for the one who takes my breath."
Hold out for the real thing.
There are two songs that I cannot stop listening to. Each one reveals a different side to this. One is about holding out and waiting for something that will last. The other is for the right now. It is for instant gratification. I love them both because I understand both, but one I know is healthier. One I know is going to help me in the long run.
Settled- Icarus Account
Come Over- Sam Hunt
I want forever, not just right now. I will continue to be obedient to what God has called me to. I know He is loving and good. He is not punishing me or holding out on me. Satan does not get free reign in my mind. I will continually replace it with truth. And I mean continually, it is a constant removal. But I know the truth.