The silver lining

Truly Grateful

I do not have a lot that I can complain about, but I do all the time.

I have a full-time job, in my field which is more than most can say. But I still complain about it all the time.
It is a crazy place, but I am being grateful, not complaining here.

I have a place to stay that does not cost a ton and a roommate that I am not annoyed with. Now it is with my mom, but still see the silver lining.

I have friends that are amazing. But I choose to think of the fact that I do not have a best friend or that one person that I can call no matter what. But it shouldn't matter I have great friends.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I do not overreact, I can truly analyze my actions and feelings and understand where they are coming from. I know myself well. But then I think that I think too much and that I am an emotional girl. But the silver lining, I feel and I feel deeply.

My kids are crazy and disrespectful and rude and not nice. But there are those times when I see their true selves, when they put down the front that they wear and I see them. They may be crazy, but they are mine. And I love them. Crazy and all.

My family has issues, but whose doesn't. We may all have crazy baggage, but they are my family and they are there for me. I may not feel valued at times and wonder where I stand, but then the next moment they show me exactly who I am. They have known me the longest and we have been through a lot. I have put them through a lot, but they love me, flaws and all. They except me and in the depths of my heart I know they think the world of me. They want the best for me. And that is the best feeling in the world. I need to remind myself of this when my head starts to tell me that they do not care.

When I look at the positives, my life is not half bad, and actually many would say that I am blessed beyond belief. I need to remember these things when I want to complain about how bad I have it, it is really about how good I have it.

I have love all around me. That is everything.

tug of war

I sometimes wonder what I am doing.

Not like today or this month, but truly in life what I am doing.

I just watched this movie that made me think about my life. I live at home and don't see an end to that. I understand that sometimes you need to take a leap, take a risk, but man I don't even see something to leap into, or a risk to even take. In some ways I feel comfortable, but then I also do not. Because I feel this part of me that is saying this isn't it. Just wait this isn't it. But then I am thinking wait for what.

I have this feeling inside that knows I am destined for more, for greater, but then this other part of me that is wondering what am I doing. I am losing the forest in the trees.

My fear is that I will sit around watching other people do great things, and I will cheer them on. Thinking if it will ever be my turn. When will it be my turn.

Why does society have to make me feel ( I know I choose how I feel) less because I am not in a serious relationship? Why does getting married and having a family show that you have grown up? Who decided that the rite of passage into true adult hood would be marriage, or a serious relationship?

My life is a constant tug of war. I do care, but I don't care. I try but I quit. I am confident, but insecure. I am vulnerable but can't be too vulnerable. I need to show interest, but can't look desperate. I need to be myself but reign it in. I am funny but also need to be serious. I want to look healthy but want to eat what I want to eat. I want to be stylish but not trying to hard. I want to be thought of but I don't want to ask for it. I am independent but I do need people. I am worth it, but why do I have to keep reminding myself.

Can I just let it go.