I once had plans too

Crazy to think that I am so close to not having a 2 in the front of my age anymore.

Shirt I bought for my bday from Salato on Etsy.

I often make jokes when I am working with the high schoolers and college students when they tell me their plans. I often reply, with a far off look in my eyes, I had plans once too. It is a joke. But really I once dreamt what my life would look like when I was 30. That by that time I would basically have figured out my life and then the rest of my life would be living it out. That by 30 I would have a stable job, be in a stable relationship (marriage) and be working on kid 3 of 6. (yea I know 6 is a lot). That I may be fostering a few children as well. I may at this point work from home, or work part time so that I can be there to raise my kids, and see the big moments. I thought I would have a house of my own, that was beautifully decorated and lived in. That was warm and welcoming and far from perfect, but perfect to me. That I would sit on my front porch, or back deck in the evenings after everyone was put to sleep and my husband and I would reflect on the day while sipping tea or some other hot beverage, marveling at how great our life was, how full (in a good way not in a stressed out way).

But this is not my reality. Life has a way of changing our dream, if we like it or not.

I am almost thirty. With no stable job in the near future, no stable relationship (well no relationship at all, in that way). No kids of my own, but plenty that I am in regular contact with. No house to call my own, but the one I do live in is pretty cutely decorated (I actually missed my living room when I was in Haiti, the chairs mostly, because we did not really have comfy things to sit on in Haiti, true story). I do not have a front porch or deck to sit on and marvel at my life. But when I have a chance to do that at someone else's house I take full advantage.

It is almost as if I have all of those above things, in the life I dreamed about, but just in a different way. I do have a job, of being a Christ follower and pointing people to him if that isn't a full time 24/7 type of job or way of life than I don't know what is. I do have a stable relationship, with my friends and with my Lord (which is probably the most stable relationship I will ever have.) As mentioned above I do have children that I am influencing all the time, school, youth group, church. I also have a great home, it may not be my "own" but I have made it such. I may not have a deck, but I reflect on life often. And I do work part time so that I have more time to pour into the students that God has placed in my life. So in a way I am watching them grow up.

See what I did there, instead of looking at the life I dreamed about and noticing that I do not have that, that I am not there. I am seeing how I actually do have those things, just in a way that I did not expect. And isn't that exactly how God works. He rarely, if ever, shows up or works in ways that we, as humans, might think He will.

So as I reflect on my last 3 decades of life, I would not change a thing. The good, the bad, the very ugly, the things I want to hide, the awesome experiences, the plans that didn't pan out, the heartbreak, the tears, the laughter, the goodbyes, the changes, the transitions, the whys, and the why mes, the coveting, the comparing, the highs and the lows, the low self esteem, the everything. I wouldn't change any of it. Because it has brought me to this point, this moment in time, this exact place and I can say with all assurance that I am good. I like my life (the crazy upside downness of it all). The instability of it all. Because it has forced me to trust, to trust God with it all and guess what He has showed up, He always does. But we often question if He will, but as was said in Malachi,  (3:10)Put him to the test and see what He does. (Do not take that out of context, it is meaning put your money where your mouth is and trust him, and see if he is who he says he is)

I have learned to trust him over the last 30 years in ways that I could not have fathomed. With my heart, my finances, my mind, my relationship status, my job, my direction, my purpose, my friendships.

30 isn't so bad. Anyone who is older than me is thinking, "No it isn't bad, and no I didn't have my life together either." Anyone younger than me is thinking that is too old, and probably also thinking that by 30 they need to have their life together too.

So here is to the next 30 and I will probably also feel like I do not have life figured out, but what I do know is who my focus is on and that changes everything and directs everything I do, best decision I made, to follow Christ. I am less stressed, I am less worried, less fearful, because my God is big and can handle it all. More focused on being positive, and loving others and truly trying to live like Jesus when he was on this planet. Those are my goals for the next 30.