Gone Girl

Seriously a must read. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. It keeps you on your toes. A murder mystery, very twisted. Shows just how manipulative a marriage can get. It is beautifully written, just when I thought it was getting a little boring something would surprise me and keep me reading. It was so good. MUST READ.

Gluttons for punishment

The girls were still horrible. One of the ring leaders actually was getting a dose of her own medicine and was getting fazed out. I think she was beginning to see that it doesn't pay to be friends with these girls, but I know how girls are and they will still run back to them even if they make them feel horrible.

What is it about girls? It is almost like we are gluttons for punishment. We almost purposefully take the hard rode or allow ourselves to be treated like crap over and over again. We want the attention and affection so much we are almost willing to do anything. We will ruin ourselves just to feel it, experience love, belonging. But I do not believe that it is our fault. I feel as though we have this predisposition to seek love, to find love. The upbringings that we have do not normally help either. The absent fathers, the screwed up mothers with self-concept issues of their own. And we are expected to come out unscathed. "Beautiful from the inside out." When really on the inside we have no idea what love is or who we even are.

It is really sad because very few girls have this natural, healthy self-concept. Where they face the world head on, no excuses for who they are. They have this "take me or leave me attitude."

The rest of us spend our whole lives wanting to feel needed, apart of something, enough for someone. There are some of those, if they are lucky, that somehow change it, reverse it and are not completely consumed by this need to feel loved. They, through a long process, are able to, most of the time, feel good about themselves without any compliments or guys turning their heads. I will say it took how many years of making these bad habits and how many years is it going to take to reverse them?

I will say it took 23 years for me, creating these unhealthy habits, that I criticized myself for, but are actually quite normal for a girl. It took a good year of counseling mood swings, amazing friends with insight, and I finally got just that. Insight. I understood that God loved me no matter what, seriously no matter what. And it was something that simple yet that profound to crack through my shell. To finally shatter everything I had known. Because seriously I had heard many times Jesus loves you, God's love is healing, God's love is unconditional. But for some reason I did not really understand it. Maybe it was the right timing. Or some might say that I am naive and ignorant. Whatever you want to call it I feel good about myself. I am not self-destructive.  I do not have convince myself that I am worth it anymore, I know I am. So whatever you want to say I am better for it.

I feel for girls, especially those that I can tell simply want to be loved. Even more so these young girls that just do not know any better. They have figured out the girl game, and are ready to play. But they just want attention. I was wonder what is going on at home, or in their heads. Because most of them are not bad girls they are simply desiring a basic need, love. You may not say it is a basic need but really think about it. How fulfilling can life be if you do not have love. How far can you get in life if you do not have love. And women, I would say more than men, truly feel this void.  I feel for these girls, the girls who simply want to be loved.

Good behavior change I mean chain!

Wow its been awhile. Let me catch you up.

Well since my last horrific blog post I decided to turn things around. I was talking to a friend and she is a social worker at a school and she gave me a few ideas. The one I chose to go with was a good behavior chain. If I saw the students doing something nice for someone else or if a student came and told me about a good deed than that person would get their name on a piece of paper and that paper would be added to the chain. The students would get different incentives for how far the chain got. It did not even take a week and the chain hit the floor.

I began to realize that it is difficult for young children, okay lets be honest anyone, to simply do nice things for people. That is why I had an external award for these students. If they got the chain across the room they would get a pizza party. They had 6 weeks or so.

They actually were very excited about this. When it touched the floor they were ecstatic. They did not get across the room, but very close. I gave them ice cream instead of a pizza party, but it was still an incentive.

I think I am going to start it at the beginning of this next year, I will have four classes and I think I will make it a competition among the classes and see how it goes.

The behavior did seem to be better, at least in front of me.

The girls were still horrible. One of the ring leaders actually was getting a dose of her own medicine and was getting fazed out. I think she was beginning to see that it doesn't pay to be friends with these girls, but I know how girls are and they will still run back to them even if they make them feel horrible.

See the rest in my next post about girls!

At my end!

So I have reached my end. I know that I have complained about my job before, the administration, the kids. But seriously I have never felt this way before. Where I really do not know if I can put myself through much more of this.

I feel as though I have mentioned before that my children are a little difficult. They constantly talk when I do, and it is not as though I let them. They go up in arms when someone so much as looks at them the wrong way. And my girls oh do not even get me started on my girls, but really that is where the story is going to lead any way.

My girls are the meanest girls I have ever come in contact with. They are seriously every single mean girl that you have ever known all put into one classroom. They put Regina and her clan to shame. These are the real mean girls.

I know that I was not friends with the best people when I was in fifth grade. We are not very nice, and we broke the rules and picked on people. But I feel as though we knew the line and tried our best not to cross it. But with these girls there is no line. I have been combating these bullies the whole year. With little help from the administration. They would have discussion with them and maybe give them detention, but to these kids they needed a wake up call and they should have been suspended right out of the gate. Then they would have known that the school was not kidding around with bullies. But they did not so of course it escalated and that is where I am at right now. The escalation and me at my end.

It was Friday, the day before Spring Break starts, and we are taking our bathroom break. Which we do twice a day. My least favorite part of the day. I hear an eruption of noise and go in as fast as possible, just in time to see two girls going at it, they split apart so fast when they see me and I am livid. I yell at them to go up stairs, to the dean, and I am just at my end. They begin walking but one is in front and the other lingers behind me. They both know shit, we just crossed the line. (And these are the good girls). I see the dean as I am walking them up and I just yell at him, "You better get them, they were fighting in the bathroom." I walk back to my class and I am yelling at them, "If anyone is laughing or talking, you are going with them." One girls did so she went up too.

Come to find out that the ring leader of all the girls instigated the whole thing. She got them all heated and then told them to fight, so they did. That was all it took. She told them to, so they did. I cannot believe this.

They way they treat each other breaks my heart everyday. It actually grieves my soul and I feel as though I am doing the best that I can and it is just not enough. I do not know what else to do. It affects the core of who I am and I am not sure if I can watch these children treat each other like pawns or dirt.

This is at the end of a week that began with a girl telling another girl that she is gay and then that girl going around telling everyone about it and then all these mean girls confront her and make her feel less than. She did not show up at school on Thursday or Friday. I have tried to call home but do not have the right number.
They do not understand that you cannot treat people that way.

I am not sure that I can handle this anymore. I could not sleep that Friday night. I could not stop thinking about it. I cried a lot. I just don't know.

good days and bad days.

So Friday was not a good day.

I have realized that it was not so much because my children couldn't keep their mouths shut, because that happens everyday. It was the fact that they were getting nothing accomplished. I mean seriously some of them had 45 minutes to get something, anything done, and after numerous redirections they were incapable of getting anything done.

It was very disheartening. I was not sure if I was so mad, or so sad. I was very annoyed, but also equally able to cry at any moment. It was so disappointing. I felt as though I was nagging all day, non stop, do this and don't do that. I mean it was immensely exhausting.

As I told people this on Friday many of them asked me if I was looking for another job, another school, another teaching position. Because it is about once a week that I leave completely exhausted.

But my response to them was that I would have this anywhere. Those days that are great and remind me of why I like to teach and those others days that make me question if this is what I really want to do. Those days that I end feeling that I am completely capable and competent as a teacher and then there are those days that I feel insecure and wonder what in the world am I doing.  I felt as if I would have those types of days anywhere I taught, or any job that I might have. Those days that remind you that you are doing what you were intended to do and those that days that make you think you made a mistake. I think that is when you know that you are doing what you are suppose to do. If the job was easy all of the time you would not have anything difficult to work through, nothing that required you to dig deep and find strength you did not know you had.

My job maybe be difficult at times, but it would. be anywhere. I know that it is not easy and I know that I am doing some good. It may be hard to see but I know that I am. I want to stay because it is not easy. I want to stay because I once heard that anything easy isn't worth having. I feel as though it is conformation that I should be here because I cannot just rely on myself to get through it. I need to rely on God to help me to stay patient and be kind. That is why I choose to stay.

The silver lining

Truly Grateful

I do not have a lot that I can complain about, but I do all the time.

I have a full-time job, in my field which is more than most can say. But I still complain about it all the time.
It is a crazy place, but I am being grateful, not complaining here.

I have a place to stay that does not cost a ton and a roommate that I am not annoyed with. Now it is with my mom, but still see the silver lining.

I have friends that are amazing. But I choose to think of the fact that I do not have a best friend or that one person that I can call no matter what. But it shouldn't matter I have great friends.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I do not overreact, I can truly analyze my actions and feelings and understand where they are coming from. I know myself well. But then I think that I think too much and that I am an emotional girl. But the silver lining, I feel and I feel deeply.

My kids are crazy and disrespectful and rude and not nice. But there are those times when I see their true selves, when they put down the front that they wear and I see them. They may be crazy, but they are mine. And I love them. Crazy and all.

My family has issues, but whose doesn't. We may all have crazy baggage, but they are my family and they are there for me. I may not feel valued at times and wonder where I stand, but then the next moment they show me exactly who I am. They have known me the longest and we have been through a lot. I have put them through a lot, but they love me, flaws and all. They except me and in the depths of my heart I know they think the world of me. They want the best for me. And that is the best feeling in the world. I need to remind myself of this when my head starts to tell me that they do not care.

When I look at the positives, my life is not half bad, and actually many would say that I am blessed beyond belief. I need to remember these things when I want to complain about how bad I have it, it is really about how good I have it.

I have love all around me. That is everything.

tug of war

I sometimes wonder what I am doing.

Not like today or this month, but truly in life what I am doing.

I just watched this movie that made me think about my life. I live at home and don't see an end to that. I understand that sometimes you need to take a leap, take a risk, but man I don't even see something to leap into, or a risk to even take. In some ways I feel comfortable, but then I also do not. Because I feel this part of me that is saying this isn't it. Just wait this isn't it. But then I am thinking wait for what.

I have this feeling inside that knows I am destined for more, for greater, but then this other part of me that is wondering what am I doing. I am losing the forest in the trees.

My fear is that I will sit around watching other people do great things, and I will cheer them on. Thinking if it will ever be my turn. When will it be my turn.

Why does society have to make me feel ( I know I choose how I feel) less because I am not in a serious relationship? Why does getting married and having a family show that you have grown up? Who decided that the rite of passage into true adult hood would be marriage, or a serious relationship?

My life is a constant tug of war. I do care, but I don't care. I try but I quit. I am confident, but insecure. I am vulnerable but can't be too vulnerable. I need to show interest, but can't look desperate. I need to be myself but reign it in. I am funny but also need to be serious. I want to look healthy but want to eat what I want to eat. I want to be stylish but not trying to hard. I want to be thought of but I don't want to ask for it. I am independent but I do need people. I am worth it, but why do I have to keep reminding myself.

Can I just let it go.

What we do to protect us, wrecks us

So I was talking with a friend over my Christmas break about my relationship with my brother and father.

My friend had made the comment that with one of his sister he does not have to worry as much about reaching out to her because she is more independent and will let him  know when she needs something, she is a bit more vocal. But the other sister he has to reach out because she is not as vocal and will not voice when she needs something. He had made this comment because he thought that maybe my brother and father had seen me as he sees the first sister mentioned. That they do not think that I need certain things from them because I am an independent woman and come across as I do not need anyone, I got it.

I realized after talking with my friend that I have created this persona. I have made sure to give off the impression that I do not need help or anyone. I have created this persona to protect myself from being hurt by my father. I had been let down too much, it hurt too much. So I made him think that I was fine and didn't need him or his attention or his help. But really that is all I desire.

I have created this aura that I don't need anyone, but really that is all I want. But no one is going to give me what I want because I have created this persona. Wow talk about a catch 22. So then I am still hurting because I did not get what I desire, but that person has no idea because I act like a stone.

I thought I was protecting myself from being hurt, but really I am still hurt. The only difference is no one knows about it.

We do this all of the time we start to distance ourselves from people if we feel as though there is any possibility of us getting hurt, we but up barriers so that people do not know the real us because we do not want to be hurt. But in the end we are still hurt, the only difference is we created the hurt for ourselves, instead of maybe being hurt by someone else. And we think in some twisted way that it is better. That it is better if we hurt ourselves rather than someone else doing, but really we are still hurt. Hurt is hurt no matter who creates it. We are still feeling horrible I guess the only thing that is different is we are angry at ourselves rather than someone else. Which we also think is better. But then it perpetuates this self-loathing and ruins our self-concept.

If we were simply open with people about what we expect of/from them, right or wrong, we could then be angry at them for knowing and not doing. We could be grateful that we are able to make someone happy because we now know what they want from us. Or we could have discussions about proper and improper expectations. None of which we are doing alone. None of which we are left hating ourselves. We simply need to be comfortable with analyzing our expectations and with voicing what we expect.

This is something that I have been learning to do in the last few years. I have been working on trying to understand why I do what I do. Why I continue to feel a certain way about a certain thing and trying to with grace, humility and the unconditional love of God change these aspects about myself that continue to hurt me. Try to voice what I expect and stop being a push over in some of my oldest relationships. Not allow people to treat me horribly and understand that I do deserve love and I do deserve to be thought of and appreciated. Even if some people, the only people I truly desire it from, are the last to give me those things.

Well that was a long tangent, but necessary. Wow a window into my mind and heart.

emotions they get the best of you

Now onto my emotional life.
I didn't think that coming home would be very difficult. I thought I would reconnect with old friends and just in some ways fall back into the familiarity of home. But it has not been that easy. I find it difficult to find a place, to find friends, and to be comfortable.

I go to church and it is hard for me because these people do not really know me. (that I give them the chance). I try to reconnect with friends and it feels like an uphill battle. I am the only one that pursues anything, which can get really tiring.

I made friends thousands of miles away, that is where all of my friends are and I thought that coming home I would have a plethora of friends to choose from, but that just isn't the case.  I actually do not really have any. I mean okay a have a couple but none that I want to call and share my ups and downs will on a regular basis.

This is hard for me because I have always had a lot of people around me. I have always had that one person that I can call day or night no matter the time. This is a stretching time for me.

I think that is some of what the issue is, in university I had people around all the time. Walk down the hall and you have people. Being at home I do not have that. I have to learn to be okay with being alone. But when I am alone I begin to think, which isn't bad in and of it self, but it ends up being turned into something ugly. My mind will wander and then I am crying because I don't have any friends, Ha. I laugh but seriously I am writing this blog post. I am an emotional person, I feel things deeply. I analyze things greatly. But I only wish to make myself better.

One kind of sad note that I realized, if I were to get married right now I do not know who my maid of honor would be, I do not have a sister, I do not have a best girl friend. I guess then I am thankful for not getting married right now.

Daily Goal update

So I have been doing the daily goal for about 2 weeks now and this last week went really well.

I have focused on things such as giving a well structured lesson, focusing on those doing right, staying positive and so on. I was telling my kids that I am not sure if my mood has just improved or if they have, but this last week was amazing. I actually enjoyed them this last week. It went well.

The first day I was trying to be positive. It lasted til about 1:30. My aid said maybe I should do for another day because I did not make it the whole day. I would say the focusing on those doing right has made a big impact. I find that when I am pointing out those doing what I asked it is like the Pavlov dog with the bell and the food, they all fall into line. " Hey I am loving how ________ is doing just what I asked." Then it is like dominoes I can watch the effect move across the room, they all end up doing what I asked without me actually having to reprimand those not obeying. It was great, then there is still a positive atmosphere and I am not nagging all of the time. I will continue to try it and post my success or failures, whichever.

Take each day!

So I am trying something new. 

I have been very pessimistic and my area of work has a lot to do with it. Well let's be honest, I am only pessimistic when I am either at work or talking about work. So I think the pessimist award goes to...work. 

I just do not understand a lot of the decisions that they make and I have so much extra work to do because of these decisions, which does not make me understand them any better. 

Anyway back to trying something new. I was discussing my  negative attitude with someone (I would deem my mentor) and she said that I should make a goal each day. 

So I made a frame. Inside the frame it says Today I will ... with three lines. So I will write on the glass each day and try and focus on one thing each day. 

I will also be focusing on doing this for the Lord and not for myself, the administrators and not for the students. Hopefully with that focus I can move mountains. 

Today I was focusing on Patience. I did well until 1:30. So I am thinking tomorrow may have the same goal!