I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.
I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.
I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)
Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.
Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.
I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.
I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.
"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.
(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)
No comments:
Post a Comment