So I have reached my end. I know that I have complained about my job before, the administration, the kids. But seriously I have never felt this way before. Where I really do not know if I can put myself through much more of this.
I feel as though I have mentioned before that my children are a little difficult. They constantly talk when I do, and it is not as though I let them. They go up in arms when someone so much as looks at them the wrong way. And my girls oh do not even get me started on my girls, but really that is where the story is going to lead any way.
My girls are the meanest girls I have ever come in contact with. They are seriously every single mean girl that you have ever known all put into one classroom. They put Regina and her clan to shame. These are the real mean girls.
I know that I was not friends with the best people when I was in fifth grade. We are not very nice, and we broke the rules and picked on people. But I feel as though we knew the line and tried our best not to cross it. But with these girls there is no line. I have been combating these bullies the whole year. With little help from the administration. They would have discussion with them and maybe give them detention, but to these kids they needed a wake up call and they should have been suspended right out of the gate. Then they would have known that the school was not kidding around with bullies. But they did not so of course it escalated and that is where I am at right now. The escalation and me at my end.
It was Friday, the day before Spring Break starts, and we are taking our bathroom break. Which we do twice a day. My least favorite part of the day. I hear an eruption of noise and go in as fast as possible, just in time to see two girls going at it, they split apart so fast when they see me and I am livid. I yell at them to go up stairs, to the dean, and I am just at my end. They begin walking but one is in front and the other lingers behind me. They both know shit, we just crossed the line. (And these are the good girls). I see the dean as I am walking them up and I just yell at him, "You better get them, they were fighting in the bathroom." I walk back to my class and I am yelling at them, "If anyone is laughing or talking, you are going with them." One girls did so she went up too.
Come to find out that the ring leader of all the girls instigated the whole thing. She got them all heated and then told them to fight, so they did. That was all it took. She told them to, so they did. I cannot believe this.
They way they treat each other breaks my heart everyday. It actually grieves my soul and I feel as though I am doing the best that I can and it is just not enough. I do not know what else to do. It affects the core of who I am and I am not sure if I can watch these children treat each other like pawns or dirt.
This is at the end of a week that began with a girl telling another girl that she is gay and then that girl going around telling everyone about it and then all these mean girls confront her and make her feel less than. She did not show up at school on Thursday or Friday. I have tried to call home but do not have the right number.
They do not understand that you cannot treat people that way.
I am not sure that I can handle this anymore. I could not sleep that Friday night. I could not stop thinking about it. I cried a lot. I just don't know.
Sunday 14 April 2013
Sunday 7 April 2013
good days and bad days.
So Friday was not a good day.
I have realized that it was not so much because my children couldn't keep their mouths shut, because that happens everyday. It was the fact that they were getting nothing accomplished. I mean seriously some of them had 45 minutes to get something, anything done, and after numerous redirections they were incapable of getting anything done.
It was very disheartening. I was not sure if I was so mad, or so sad. I was very annoyed, but also equally able to cry at any moment. It was so disappointing. I felt as though I was nagging all day, non stop, do this and don't do that. I mean it was immensely exhausting.
As I told people this on Friday many of them asked me if I was looking for another job, another school, another teaching position. Because it is about once a week that I leave completely exhausted.
But my response to them was that I would have this anywhere. Those days that are great and remind me of why I like to teach and those others days that make me question if this is what I really want to do. Those days that I end feeling that I am completely capable and competent as a teacher and then there are those days that I feel insecure and wonder what in the world am I doing. I felt as if I would have those types of days anywhere I taught, or any job that I might have. Those days that remind you that you are doing what you were intended to do and those that days that make you think you made a mistake. I think that is when you know that you are doing what you are suppose to do. If the job was easy all of the time you would not have anything difficult to work through, nothing that required you to dig deep and find strength you did not know you had.
My job maybe be difficult at times, but it would. be anywhere. I know that it is not easy and I know that I am doing some good. It may be hard to see but I know that I am. I want to stay because it is not easy. I want to stay because I once heard that anything easy isn't worth having. I feel as though it is conformation that I should be here because I cannot just rely on myself to get through it. I need to rely on God to help me to stay patient and be kind. That is why I choose to stay.
I have realized that it was not so much because my children couldn't keep their mouths shut, because that happens everyday. It was the fact that they were getting nothing accomplished. I mean seriously some of them had 45 minutes to get something, anything done, and after numerous redirections they were incapable of getting anything done.
It was very disheartening. I was not sure if I was so mad, or so sad. I was very annoyed, but also equally able to cry at any moment. It was so disappointing. I felt as though I was nagging all day, non stop, do this and don't do that. I mean it was immensely exhausting.
As I told people this on Friday many of them asked me if I was looking for another job, another school, another teaching position. Because it is about once a week that I leave completely exhausted.
But my response to them was that I would have this anywhere. Those days that are great and remind me of why I like to teach and those others days that make me question if this is what I really want to do. Those days that I end feeling that I am completely capable and competent as a teacher and then there are those days that I feel insecure and wonder what in the world am I doing. I felt as if I would have those types of days anywhere I taught, or any job that I might have. Those days that remind you that you are doing what you were intended to do and those that days that make you think you made a mistake. I think that is when you know that you are doing what you are suppose to do. If the job was easy all of the time you would not have anything difficult to work through, nothing that required you to dig deep and find strength you did not know you had.
My job maybe be difficult at times, but it would. be anywhere. I know that it is not easy and I know that I am doing some good. It may be hard to see but I know that I am. I want to stay because it is not easy. I want to stay because I once heard that anything easy isn't worth having. I feel as though it is conformation that I should be here because I cannot just rely on myself to get through it. I need to rely on God to help me to stay patient and be kind. That is why I choose to stay.
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