I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

You're doing what?

So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.


What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.


The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?

I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that?  Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?

We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient.  But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.

In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.

So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.

So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer  I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!

Cheers to that!

Wow it has been a little while.
I have had a few new additions to my life. No I am not talking about kids. Let's clarify that rumor right now. I began a side business.

I began selling Arbonne. If you do not know what Arbonne is it is a skincare, makeup, bodycare, and nutrition company that follows high standards for their products. It has been going well. With anything you do or risks you take, of course you will have hesitation or moments when you completely question everything. But I do believe that I am suppose to be doing this.

Arbonne has meet a lot of the needs that I have been thinking about. I am able to help women with their outsides. I am creating relationships with these women. I will hopefully have a team and then I can mentor them just as the person above me is mentoring me. I love to recommend good products to people. So to summarize. Check, Check, Check. It is meeting a lot of these needs that I feel as though I am missing.

I also have joined the mission team at my church which is pretty sweet. This is satisfying the major helping others desire that I have. I may not be the one that is doing the mission work yet, but until that point I am having a hand in those that are on the mission field right now. I went to my first meeting and it is nice to be around people of a different age demographic, of course that was a nice way of saying older than I am, did you catch that). And somehow I am going to be the secretary for this next year, how did that happen.

I am really excited to see where Arbonne takes me. I am taking each day, each spa party at a time and simply seeing what God wants to do with it. I took a step, a risk and am taking it a step at a time.

Sometimes I feel as though we need to slow down, take a step back to truly see what we are suppose to do. I had to simplify my life a bit, take a step back and really think about what you like, what you are good at or what you are missing and try to find things that meet those needs, or stay open to opportunities that could meet those needs. Arbonne from the outside does not look like it would meet any of my needs except financially, but on the inside it meets almost all of the them.

I am beginning to be myself again, the last two years really took a toll on me. To Cheers to that.

Things are looking up!

Picture found on crossingilandmono

So things are looking up.

I may have mentioned before that I am feeling a bit lost. (Ha that has been all this has been about)Now quite sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Well I have had a few things come into my life recently that I think may help me to figure out more about myself and be able to do some of those things that I enjoy.

First I went to an Arbonne party last week. Many of you may not know what Arbonne is. It is an organization that is shared through network marketing, it has skin care, make up, nutrition, body care, something for truly everyone.  yes similar to Mary Kay, but the product is of higher quality. (sorry Mary Kay) I never thought that I would be doing something like this. I feel weird even putting it out there that I am considering it. But my favorite job that I have had thus far was working at The Body Shop. Being able to help women and men find the products that were right for them. Help them to wear make up the correct way in order to make them feel more confident and better about themselves. I actually have been thinking that my dream job would be to have meetings with women, preferably middle aged, and help them, if they need it, with their fashion, hair and makeup to revive them in a way, I hope I am not offending anyone. But so many times I see women who are absolutely beautiful on the inside, and with a bit of help could build on that confidence with something new.

You may be thinking but that is superficial self-esteem, but I do not believe so. If I am wearing a new outfit that is a bit on the unique side, I wear that thing with so much confidence. It builds my confidence and makes me walk with my head held high. Do not get me wrong I am not some girl that has low self esteem and needs makeup to hide behind or clothes to make me feel good about myself. And to those that would think negatively about people that do feel that way, we all fake it till we make it right. But I truly think that my clothes, make up, and hair are a way for me to extend my personality and I can convey exactly the person that I want to be through every piece of my life. Some people may think that fashion is not important or that it is all a conspiracy, we wear what they want us to wear, but you tell me the shift in self esteem when someone is wearing something a bit out of their comfort zone, not too much out of it because then they may feel uncomfortable.

Wow if that is not a tangent then I do not know what is. I may also have talked in circles but welcome to my world.

Another thing that just happened which I am pretty excited about. I received a call last night from my mom's best friend. I thought she was calling to contact my mom, but nope she was calling me. She said that the mission's board at our church is looking for younger people to be apart of the team and my name came up. This is huge. I have a bad insecurity of not being thought of. It rears its ugly head every once in awhile. I do not deal with it that much anymore, but every once in a while it comes back. But here is an affirmation that I am thought of. Out of everyone in our church I was thought of, because I do value missions. I could possibly see myself living in a foreign country at some point in my life. So to be part of this team is amazing. I will be able to have a hand in missions even though it is not me directly being in a foreign place. This is almost like God saying to me "Until the time is right, I give you this." Well thank you. I needed this.

So I guess sometimes you just need to be patient. My whole life has not been decided. (of course not) I still do not have a good idea of direction, but I am going to take a step in the direction of Arbonne and the mission's team and we will see what happens.

Keep on keepin' on

Just Stop It!

I realized it has been over two weeks since I posted last and that is just unacceptable.

I have been very busy, and not in a good way.

I picked up a second job, cleaning. I realized that I do not like it. Now you may be thinking, "Well if you need the extra money, beggars can't be choosers." But I beg to differ. I have spent the last 2 years doing a job that I hated, because it paid well and was what I went to school for. It negatively affected my entire life no joke. So if you do not like a job you are doing, and it just does not seem worth it, then stop doing it. Seriously your happiness and well being in life is not worth the torture you are putting yourself through now.

I read this so much over those two years of, excuse my French But, hell. "You are young, stop doing a job that you hate." But it really is true. Just stop it.

I could not actually just quit my job as they commanded me to do, but now that I have left I am beginning to get back to normal, I am still not quite there yet. I have some residual affects. But I am getting there.

Anyways I have already given them my two weeks notice for cleaning. I am cleaning at my school and have been in discussion with them about my struggles with it. So it was not a surprise to them. They already know I am spoiled and entitled. ha ( I do not feel as though I really am) But I guess in many ways I am very human in that I want to make more money doing the least amount of work that I possibly can. But I know that is not actually realistic.

I was able to spend some time with a few of my friends this weekend that I am not able to see all that often. I came to realize that I love my friends. They are absolutely great people. I may be uncertain about a lot in my life right now but I am not uncertain about my friends. I was chatting with my college roommate and she gave me some encouraging words, she said that I was brave to be questioning my career path. I have never thought of it that way and I am very grateful for her words, I know they are from God because they are exactly what I needed. I have been feeling so lost and uncertain about my life, and her words transformed. I still feel lost but I also feel as though I am on the right bath, bravery is only necessary when there is risk involved and things that are worth having sometimes require a great deal of risk. I received a letter and postcard from other friends that are immensely encouraging. I realized this weekend, even though I've known it for a long time, that I have great friends. Maybe even the best friends that anyone could have. 

I guess my great friends are a testament to myself as well. Great people are not going to be friends with mediocre people. So I guess the fact that I have great friends, must mean I am pretty great too. So think about your friends and if they are as great as mine are, then you are pretty great as well.