Mo money, Mo problems

I have asked for God to stretch me I belive He has been doing that. As mentioned before I had some minor health issues come yo. I have mostly healed from those, but still trust God that it is all healing correctly. That is everything is good. Bit one thing I knew was coming, and dreading were the bills that would come after the fact. They never tell you how much it is going to cost, its like a sneak attack. But I had to go, and now I have to pay for it. I do have insurance, but really that means. Nothing. My insurance is so bad. Let's be real my insurance is really me trusting God that the money will come from somewhere to help cover the costs. I only really have catastrophe insurance. This was not a catastrophe. I am paying for it.

So before I dealt with trusting God with my health and I am being asked to trust Him financially. I have been doing this for many years. But I think this is the big one. I truly do not know how this one is going to happen. I have 3 bills coming my way. I have received one of them and my health savings account will cover that one. So that is good. God prepared me a bit for some of this and I was able to put some money away for it. But the next one is my big one. And I thought this first would be my cheap one and it was not as cheap as I thought it was going to be. So I am kinda scared to see what my next one is going to look like. And my last one is from an urgent care and who knows what those cost. This is where I need to trust. I had no choice but to go to the doctor and God will have a way for me to pay for it. It could be done in a variety of ways. Who am I to name them, He works in mysterious ways.

As I write this I cannot sleep becuase I cannot stop my mind. My mind is running through all of the scenarios. I write this because truly this is how I have to get it out. If I do not write this I will continue to mull over what is ahead of me.

I also do not always think that we need more money to solve these problems either. Yes we could try and do a few things to create a little more income to help with these unexpected bills. But I find that truly mo money means mo problems. Because I find that when I have more money I do not use it wisely. I do not save, or give or use it where it is needed. I end up eating out more or buying more things because I know I have the extra money. So yes I have been asking God to create little opportunities for me to make a little extra money, but nothing extravagent. (side note, with my network marketing company I found that I was making a lot of extra money, but not using it wisely. I have no idea where that extra money went to, so I am working on trying to use the little money that I do have wisely, i.e. budgeting correctly, before I add extra money to it. Becasue if you cannot use the little money you have wisely, then how are you thinking you are going to use more money wisely, you will not. More money does not erase bad habits, I have been learning.)

I have been reminding myself of these truths to help calm my mind and my heart and allow myself to have peace.

God is good.
This has been a reaccuring theme in my life. Regardless of my circumstances that does not change the fact that God is good.

God is powerful and is bigger than any problem that I have.

God has my back and wants what is best for me.
This reasures me that anything that comes my way, God is there, working it for my good.

God loves me more than I could ever know.
This is the truth. His affections for me are beyond my comprehension and I need to rest in that when the world seems to be against me or crashing in around me or getting smaller and feeling as though they are crushing me. He loves me with a love that does not alter, or change. And because of that I am able to feel freer, because the weight of pleasing Him, or the pressure of consequences is removed. That is not how He works.

These are the truths that I repeat to myself when I begin to stress about life. Whatever that may be. Money problems, health problems, satan attacking my spirit and feeding me lies about myself (that I am not good enough, that I am second best, that people like her/him better than me etc.) These are the truth those things are not. Remember that today when life doesn't seem to go your way or when the weight of living is a lot, hard to carry at times. He is there. He has you and He loves you.

Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).