rattled.

I think that things happen in your life that make you realize that no matter how much you try you will never do everything perfect. Even if you do not actually do anything wrong, you may not have done it exactly right. Or at least not how someone needed/desired for you to do it. These situations bring on humility and maybe a little anger. You have been trying to be LOVE, embody it as much as possible, then for some reason you miss something so rudimentary that it angers you. How could you miss that one simple way to show someone love. It rattles you because everything that you have tried to be can seem to be whipped away in one simple mistake. I do not like to let people down, miss an opportunity to be there for someone.

I experienced this recently. Someone I know is going through a very difficult time and I failed to acknowledge it. I merely swept it under the rug like it wasn't there. I mean I had reasons for not doing so. But in her eyes I did not care. That simple of a conversation and I look different in her eyes. Even when I do reach out it has strings attached to it, in her eyes. I cannot erase it and it is hard for me. Everything that I feel like I have tried to be is in a way jeopardized.

Then I realize that some of this is selfish thinking...

I know it might not be this extreme, but this is kind of how I work. I can have the tendency to polarize things. I am also very emotional and very empathetic. So this combination just screams rational thought all of the time.

A little window into my mind.

New Book.

So I just finished this book that I got on a whim from the library. It was in the new section and I have enjoyed the author before so I thought I would try it out. I was not let down.

In almost every chapter there was something that I found to be profound and thought provoking. I went on a journey with this man that related very much to my own journey of awakening and self-discovery of sorts.

The book Aleph the author Paulo Coelho. I had also read The Alchemist by him and it was very much about fulfilling your dream/destiny even if it sounds absurd or everyone is saying that it cannot happen or it may take awhile. Follow the signs and follow your heart.

Aleph was about a spiritual awakening that the author actually went on. He traveled across the Trans-Siberian Railway, across 8 time zones, in search of forgiveness from his past.

Here are some of those profound tidbits that made me go hummmm.

pg-12- "Our life is a constant journey, from birth to death. The landscape changes, the people change, our needs change, but the train keeps moving. Life is the train, not the station. Ans what you're doing now isn't traveling, it's just changing countries, which is completely different."

pg.-15- "Whenever I refused to follow my fate, something very hard to bear would happen in my life. And that is my great fear at the moment, that some tragedy will occur. Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there's no point in trying to recover what has been; it's best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new. In theory, every loss is for our own good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this?"

pg. -21- "They say that in the second before our death, each of us understands the real season for our existence, and out of that moment, Heaven or Hell is born. Hell is when we look back during that fraction of a second and know that we wasted an opportunity to dignify the miracle of life. Paradise is being able to say at that moment: "I made some mistakes, but I wasn't a coward. I lived my life and did what I had to do."

pg.-41- "You're traveling, but, at the same time, you haven't left home. As long as we're together, that will continue to be the case, because you have someone by your side who knows you, and this gives you a false sense of familiarity. It's time you continue on alone. You may find solitude oppressive, too much to bear; but that feeling will gradually disappear as you come more into contact with other people."

pg-46- "...my roots are ready, my soul has been slowly dying from something very hard to detect and even harder to cure. Routine. Routine has nothing to do with repetition. To become really good at anything, you have to practice and repeat, practice and repeat, until the technique becomes intuitive."

pg-62- "To live is to experience things, not sit around pondering the meaning of life."

pg-65- "There's no point explaining that all we achieve by exacting revenge is to make ourselves the equals of our enemies, whereas by forgiving we show wisdom and intelligence. Apart from monks in the Himalayas and saints in the deserts, I think we all have these vengeful feelings because they're an essential part of the human condition. We shouldn't judge ourselves too harshly."

pg-83- "No one can learn to love by following a manual, and no one can learn to write by following a course. I'm not telling you to seek out other writers but to find people with different skills from yourself, because writing is not different form any other activity done with joy and enthusiasm."

Just some words of wisdom. I found this interesting and good for my current journey.

Just thoughts.

The Reason Why...

So I have been thinking about why I have a lack of motivation in applying for teaching jobs. There are a few reason, such as, my scanner does not work and everything seems to need to be done electronically, there seem to be a ton of steps to applying so it takes forever to finish one application, There are not many jobs being offered thus I feel as though I am already doomed to fail.

But the one factor that makes it really hard for me to finish, or lets be honest, even start these applications is that I am worried that I will fail my students. Not that they will not pass, but that they will not leave with a desire to love learning. Or that they will still not believe in themselves. I realized while student teaching that as a teacher it is impossible to reach every one of your students because there were 28 of them and one of me. The odds were not in my favor. But I am not okay with that. I do not like that before the year even starts I already know that I will not be able to touch each one of their lives in some significant way. It is hard for me to start a task knowing before hand that I will not finish it well.

This may seem on one end to be idealistic or the other end to be cynical, but I guess it is hard for me to see it any other way. I know that I am a good teacher and that I will do great things but if I cannot be there for each one of my students it is hard for me to be okay with that.

I also found while student teaching that routine is very important, it creates stability, which these kids need. But I also found that I can become a robot simply following routine. That things became, at times, a little less exciting or meaningful. It was for that sake of the routine or the test or the learning outcomes, not for learning itself or wonder, or anything transcendent.

This is why it is hard for me to fill out job applications. Because I do not want to be a teacher that already sees failure before she even starts or becomes a victim to teaching to the test.

These are some things that I have noticed recently and would like to share. I have still not completed an application and know that these are simply excuses to keep me from my destiny or my greater purpose.

Funny Moment of the weekend.

I was in a used bookstore. I love used bookstores. They are a little overwhelming, but when I know what I am in there to find it is a bit easier. I went in in search of the first book in the Harry Potter series, because I actually have all of the others. I found it with ease and was checking out when the older gentlemen that owned the store said, "Did you know that you kind of remind me of the woman that is having issues with Rush Limbaugh."I was a little shocked because I do know what he is speaking of. This girl had said something to the effect that she would have sex for money or something of the sort and Rush said " you know what we call that, a slut." I was not sure how to take this statement by the man at the bookstore. It took me aback. Was it a compliment or simply an observation. And as I left I could not help but laugh. Very odd and entertaining!

birthday festives.

So I turned 25 this past week. I know there are some of you that think, "Wow 25 years young, oh to be 25 again." and others will think, " Man 25 years old, that is like 30, which is like 40, its getting old." Well I have always had an issue with age, getting older. The idea that some things will never be that same. So you can see that turning 25, which is a milestone, would potentially be hard for me. Now This particular year I actually happened to come down with the flu, so my birthday was pretty uneventful and I think also allowed for me to glide into 25 will ease and not much thought. Maybe in hindsight being sick was for a reason. I also made jokes that my body is deciding to shut down now that I am 25. It seems it is only going to get worse.

So for the weekend I had opportunity to go into Chicago and spend some time with a friend, but also my brother and sister-in-law. So I for sure did some things this weekend that either I secretly had been wanting to do, or have learned why I do not do it. So firstly, I get into Chicago around 9 and eat some dinner and my friends apartment. Then her, her friend, and I go to a Irish pub that is having Karaoke. Now I am terrified to go and sing in front of people, but I also secretly would like to mark it off my bucketlist. So we walk in hoping that there will be a lot of people there and some how get away with not singing. To our surprise there was maybe 15 people there. So our presence is not going unnoticed. So finally after about 3 hours of searching through the binder and continually finding different songs we "could" do we decide on Express Yourself by Madonna. It went very well, I think. There were three of us and it was maybe hard to tell. But I found it quite exhilarating. I was ready for bed before it, but then was wide awake after.

We became a little cocky and decided to do Baby Got Back next, it crashed and burned. We were good for maybe 2/3 of it, and then it was just going too fast for us. We tried to just laugh a lot and hope that would over come it. Who knows.

The experience that I encountered that I understood now why I do not like to do it is when going to a movie I now know why I like to sit in the back of the theater. Because when you are too close you either get a headache, a crink in your neck, or motion sickness. My friend actually had to go and sit in the back because of it. I was pretty good, but the screen was so big and I am not 12 anymore. Next time I will make a better choice.

So this weekend was very fun I very much enjoy Chicago. It is beautiful, mysterious, lively, and energetic. Whenever I can go in I always enjoy it.

Now back to reality and my next task. Filling job applications. Oh boy what fun. NOT AT ALL!