I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.

So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.

I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.

It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.

 It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.

But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.

To recognize... me.

I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.

But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.

I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.

I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.

I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.

But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.

I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.

Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.

(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)

It's like a gentle slap in the face.

SO I feel like every time I have opened up my Bible or devotional book this week. God has been gently slapping me across the face. Not really because He is so much gentler than that. But He has been a working.

Here is the first occurrence
So we always say that God works in crazy ways. And He so does. I was going through my bank account last night, paying bills and what not. I should have done this a week ago, when I got paid, but I slacked and then money goes and I wonder how I am going to pay everything this month. Lesson learned.

But last night I started to stress over my money. My credit card has a lot of money on it, and I have no idea how it got up that high, and does not seem to go down, because I never use it anymore. But that is a constant battle. I found myself feeling crippled again under all of my debt. And I do not just have credit card, I also have student loan debt.

I dwelled on it for a little bit last night, not majorly like I have done in the past. But I did start to worry a bit. Just thinking that I feel as though I am never going to be debt free. Or the debt just seems to never be going down, even though I pay so much on it. Whatever the thoughts could be  they were.

I was able to sleep just fine last night. Which shows that it didn't completely rock me. I had a little trouble because of a mental to do list and I finally had to write it down and then I was good to go.

Today when I woke up to do my devotional, I was getting ready for my youth Sunday School class this morning, The entire thing was about wealth. And that if you value wealth you cannot also value God. It came from James and various other places in the Bible. But it hit me like a brick. I do not need a lot of money. Because even last night I was thinking of ways that I need to make more money. I do have an awesome company that I work for and I could put more effort into that so then I could earn more money. But this morning I felt as though God was reminding me that more money does not change bad spending habits. If you want to read about that one, click on the previous text. God was also reminding me that we are not called to be wealthy, if that happens then awesome, but that shouldn't be my goal in life. To fill it with things and money. It should be to dwell in the Lord. Jer. 9:22-23

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, ²⁴ but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Psalm 37:4 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Our focus needs to be on God. ALL THE TIME. For moments last night, it was on money. And money is a real issue. We are so blessed in this country. Now with that does come more responsibility. Like bills and other payments. So you for sure do not feel like we are very rich people in the world. But the truth is we are. 

(random side note, I hope that no English majors read this and dissect my horrid grammar skills.) 

Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Money, with me, may always be tight, because for one, I do not always care to put in that crazy work ethic. But God will bless whatever I do if I am abiding in Him and trusting Him and Delighting in Him. 

My next two have been while doing my Gideon study. I have been feeling frustrated while working with the youth. I love them, they are quirky and have not been horribly tainted by the world yet, but I see the world slowly seeping in. What has been hard is seeing them turn their backs on God all the time. They give Him their seconds, oh let's be honest it's their tenths. And they care more about their friend's perception of them than God's.

I have been reminded lately that I was just like that, and at times I am like that, I would fit God into my plans, and I would act one way at church or youth group and then a completely different way at school or with my friends. And God was so patient. He was so loving. He gentling pursued me. And I realized that I need to be that way with these kids too. Gentle and patient. And while reading Gideon God is so patient with Him. Gideon asks for so many signs to confirm what He already knows God has asked him to do. He never got frustrated with Gideon, He never got angry, He patiently and gently gave him signs. He knew Gideon was afraid. God even initiates one of the tasks that can help with Gideon's confidence.If God, who has every reason to be frustrated with how we act, can be so abundantly patient, how much more patient with people should we be.

The next way that God has been talking to me is through my lack of faith in when He has called me to do something. Right now it is in going to Haiti. I know that I am meant to be there, but that does not make getting up in front of 30 people every night easier. It doesn't minimize the crazy responsibility that comes along with leading a team. I have been lacking confidence in myself, which in turn is me lacking confidence in God.

Gideon had these same thoughts. That is why he asked for confirmation. I do hope that one day I have a faith that does not require confirmation. But right now I am not there yet. I tend to need to talk things over with people, after I feel God nudging me in a particular direction. This is not always bad, but we should trust the Spirit and have faith and walk in that when we do what we are being asked to do.

Priscilla, the writer of the study, makes a clear distinction between two different types of confirmation. Either you are asking for caution, or because of doubt and unbelief. What is important here is the heart behind it all. One is asking for clarity from a true sense of faith, our faith needs only to be strengthened, the other is asking from a place of ignoring what has already been said and not desiring to move in faith. Mine is a lack of faith, it needs only to be strengthened.

I also realized that many people in the Bible did not feel qualified for what He was calling them to do. That is where God can come in and show His power. If you  think you are qualified then God will be getting you the victory, but you will think you did it all.

Right now I am lacking confidence in my ability. But I do know in the core of who I am that God is bigger than it all. And He hasn't failed and He won't start now.

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He has got my back and wants what is best for me.

These are truths that I say to myself when doubt or insecurity start to creep in, which they do, often.

You cannot go wrong doing what God asks of you

Two in one week, count yourselves lucky. Just kidding

So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.

After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.

What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.

Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do.  I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.

Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.

In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.

I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.

I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.

I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.

If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.

Who are you going to be when Crap comes knocking?

So tonight I was driving home from a Bible study, a women's Bible study, and I was struck by a few things. First of all, women are a special breed. We can be feeling so many different things at one time. It just reminds of the scene in Harry Potter, I don't remember which movie, but it had to do with Cho, I think was her name. Anyways. Hermoine is trying to describe to Harry and Ron how Cho is probably feeling and she seriously names like eight things, she is basically describing the female psyche to these boys.  And Ron goes, "No one can feel that much at one time." But we do. As women we do. It is crazy the mind of the woman. 

As we are all sharing all of our fears, because that is one of the main themes in this study, we are studying Gideon, those things that are holding us back from who we are meant to be and what we are meant to do, I found myself afterwards, because we always pray for the circumstances to improve, we always do, we pray for so and so to get better and for this situation or that situation, I found myself saying God I don't want to pray for their situations and their circumstances. I want to pray for them as people and their hearts and their minds. Because some of them have some horrible things that are happening to them right now. But the thing is in life we are going to have crap, we are going to have horrible things happen to us, our circumstances are going to be changing every day. So I do not really want to pray for that circumstance, I want to pray for your heart and your mind, so when you come to that situation, your heart and mind are already transformed. Because truly crap is going to come knocking at your door, at your door, all the time. And what are you going to be when you answer that door for crap, are you going to be that person cowering in the corner because of fear or are you going to be like that sturdy tree in a storm that is standing their ground because they know where they are rooted. Because truly our circumstances should not change how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about God, how we see God. It shouldn't change it.

So I found myself tonight not praying that so and so would get better or so and so would not change or whatever may be happening in their life. I prayed that God would transform their minds and hearts. So that when they come up against more circumstances that just SUCK, there is no other word sometimes to use  besides it just sucks, I pray that it doesn't shake the core of who they are, that their joy is constant, and that their faith in God is steadfast, it stays, it withstands.

I feel bad in saying that I do not pray for their circumstances but truly there external and we make them internal and sometimes they do not need to be. But what is internal is what matters. What do you do with those circumstances? Do you let it shake you? Because as Priscilla pointed out in the study, God says 300 times throughout the Bible Fear Not. He says it to Daniel, to Moses, to Ruth, to Joshua, to Abraham. All these well known people in the Bible. Had trouble with Fear as well and God told them what He is telling you and I right now. Fear Not. (cue that cheesy (sorry) worship song, "Fear not for I am with you")  But we do all the time. Hopefully each time Crap comes knocking we are a little more stable, a little more rooted than we were the last time. Now I need to make a disclaimer, this is not about me but about God working in me.

I am writing this to myself as well. Fear is crippling and it is not meant to shape our lives. In 1 John 4 he states that God is love and that perfect love casts out fear. Rest in Him and lay it down. Stop carrying fear around like it is apart of you because it is not meant to be. Just because you have lived with it for a long time does not mean that you are meant to.

I also think that if you are fearing something you are uncomfortable, which means you are either doing something out of your comfort zone, or circumstances have put you out of your comfort zone. I mean think about it would you fear something that you know and are familiar with. No. When you are in your comfort zone you are fine, nothing is really that challenging and you are able to tackle anything that comes your way. This is not how God meant for you to live, He wants you to be in places and circumstances where you have no choice but to rely on Him, trust Him, and cry out to Him. And truthfully that is when Crap is around or when Suck is staying for a long vacation. Or when you are asked to take on a job or responsibility that is not in your strength well house. Being pushed out of your comfort zone, or coming to the end of your capabilities is where God shows up, and then you cannot take any credit for it, but can only give the credit to who it is always due. God.

Get your focus off of yourself.

So as I have mentioned before I am beginning to work with the youth at our church. I feel as though I should have started this awhile ago, but there is a right timing for everything.

I was recently asked by one of them what was a struggle that I had and how did I over come it?

It is quite a common question that younger people will ask older people. Give me your advice. Maybe it will work for me.

So I made sure to say to her that I will let you know when I have over come it. But what has changed everything for me was when I stopped thinking of myself.

I feel as though in life we are very self centered. I know what you are thinking, seriously Erica, tell me something I don't know. Or are you trying to be facetious.

What I mean by that is that even in our relationship with God, when we are trying to think of Him, When we want (I believe) what He wants for us. We want to be rid of the things that hinder us. But for some reason it is still there. The insecurity, the struggle whatever it is, it is still there. And then we get frustrated because it doesn't go away. And then that can effect how we see God.

If you wonder if you are one of these people, think about what you spend the majority of your time praying for. Is it praising God, and praying for others? Or is it solely on you. Now I am not saying that it is wrong to pray for yourself, but when that is all you are praying for, then you may be focusing a little too much on your own problems.

I have found that actually when I get the focus off of myself that is when, either things are put into the right perspective, or I learn a little more about God's heart and it just seems to transform my own.

I mean think about it. When I used to have bad headaches. It consumed me. It is was all I could think about it. If pain reliever or taking a nap did not rid me of it (which a nap never did, it made it worse) Then I learned that if I chatted to my mom or brother about life or went to a group (in university) and just listened or watched a tv show or something. It would usually go away, because I stopped focusing on it. Now that may not be a great analogy, but it works.

A few of my struggles when I was young (lets be real it is still a struggle, I do not think we are completely rid of these things, we just learn what is important and how to not allow yourself to go there) needing attention from others to make myself feel valuable, not feeling like I am enough, truly not thinking I was beautiful when I looked in the mirror. No joke I did not usually like what I saw. My prayers were always, God help me to see me the way you do. I do not feel as though my intentions were wrong, but I think my focus was wrong. I wanted God to fix something inside me, just by magic or something. I do believe that God is all-powerful and can do anything. But I think He wants us to get to know Him more, to take our focus off of ourselves. When we do that we are bombarded by His goodness, His is love that we do not deserve at all. When we come into contact with how little we are and we are loved more than we could know. It kind of makes some of our issues and struggles seem small in comparison to Him and what He does for us.

So I challenge you that if you are struggling with something and all you want is to be rid of it, try delving into God. Reading and truly taking Him in. pick a topic or a book of the Bible or a book study and dive in. When praying, praise Him, take a moment to really concentrate on who you are talking to. Do not rush into His presence. So stop focusing on you and take time to think of others and God. Maybe get involved in something, volunteer. It can help take the focus off of you too (I am still working on this too, it is a journey)

I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.

Mo money, Mo problems

I have asked for God to stretch me I belive He has been doing that. As mentioned before I had some minor health issues come yo. I have mostly healed from those, but still trust God that it is all healing correctly. That is everything is good. Bit one thing I knew was coming, and dreading were the bills that would come after the fact. They never tell you how much it is going to cost, its like a sneak attack. But I had to go, and now I have to pay for it. I do have insurance, but really that means. Nothing. My insurance is so bad. Let's be real my insurance is really me trusting God that the money will come from somewhere to help cover the costs. I only really have catastrophe insurance. This was not a catastrophe. I am paying for it.

So before I dealt with trusting God with my health and I am being asked to trust Him financially. I have been doing this for many years. But I think this is the big one. I truly do not know how this one is going to happen. I have 3 bills coming my way. I have received one of them and my health savings account will cover that one. So that is good. God prepared me a bit for some of this and I was able to put some money away for it. But the next one is my big one. And I thought this first would be my cheap one and it was not as cheap as I thought it was going to be. So I am kinda scared to see what my next one is going to look like. And my last one is from an urgent care and who knows what those cost. This is where I need to trust. I had no choice but to go to the doctor and God will have a way for me to pay for it. It could be done in a variety of ways. Who am I to name them, He works in mysterious ways.

As I write this I cannot sleep becuase I cannot stop my mind. My mind is running through all of the scenarios. I write this because truly this is how I have to get it out. If I do not write this I will continue to mull over what is ahead of me.

I also do not always think that we need more money to solve these problems either. Yes we could try and do a few things to create a little more income to help with these unexpected bills. But I find that truly mo money means mo problems. Because I find that when I have more money I do not use it wisely. I do not save, or give or use it where it is needed. I end up eating out more or buying more things because I know I have the extra money. So yes I have been asking God to create little opportunities for me to make a little extra money, but nothing extravagent. (side note, with my network marketing company I found that I was making a lot of extra money, but not using it wisely. I have no idea where that extra money went to, so I am working on trying to use the little money that I do have wisely, i.e. budgeting correctly, before I add extra money to it. Becasue if you cannot use the little money you have wisely, then how are you thinking you are going to use more money wisely, you will not. More money does not erase bad habits, I have been learning.)

I have been reminding myself of these truths to help calm my mind and my heart and allow myself to have peace.

God is good.
This has been a reaccuring theme in my life. Regardless of my circumstances that does not change the fact that God is good.

God is powerful and is bigger than any problem that I have.

God has my back and wants what is best for me.
This reasures me that anything that comes my way, God is there, working it for my good.

God loves me more than I could ever know.
This is the truth. His affections for me are beyond my comprehension and I need to rest in that when the world seems to be against me or crashing in around me or getting smaller and feeling as though they are crushing me. He loves me with a love that does not alter, or change. And because of that I am able to feel freer, because the weight of pleasing Him, or the pressure of consequences is removed. That is not how He works.

These are the truths that I repeat to myself when I begin to stress about life. Whatever that may be. Money problems, health problems, satan attacking my spirit and feeding me lies about myself (that I am not good enough, that I am second best, that people like her/him better than me etc.) These are the truth those things are not. Remember that today when life doesn't seem to go your way or when the weight of living is a lot, hard to carry at times. He is there. He has you and He loves you.

Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).

Search me, and know my heart !

We all know that God knows everything right. Can we agree on that? Even the stuff that we try to hide, the stuff that we wish no one knew, He knows. Those selfish motives that push us to do things, well He knows those too.

So then why do we ask Him to know us? If He already knows everything why in Psalm 139 does David ask God to know Him.

In the beginning of that chapter, David starts out with saying what I just said. God already knows us.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me"

Then David goes into all the ways that God knows him.

but then at the end, He asks God to know him, to test Him, to remove those things that are not right within him. Why does David do this if God already knows.

Well let me ask you something. If someone just read your diary, or journal (I know diaries are for girls, right). How would you feel? You would feel violated, hurt. You may feel emotionally naked. They would know too much about you. And most of all, the reason it would hurt so much is because they didn't even ask. They did it behind your back.

But if you were to tell them these things, share these secrets with them then you would not feel violated. Or if you gave them your diary and told them to read it. You gave them permission to know the deep parts of you. You chose to confide in them.

Yes, God knows everything. But isn't it different if you choose to let Him in. Don't you think that He wants you to want Him to know everything. Not just Him knowing it by default.

It's like when you do something wrong and your parents or friends find out and they wait for you to tell them what you did instead of them bringing it up. Yes they already have the information, but it means more if you confess it, or you divulge the information. It is you taking responsibility. It is you letting them in, not them letting themselves in.

You invite them.

God wants us to want Him. Does He need it, I would say no. But He wants it. Just like we, humans, want to be wanted or needed. Take that feeling and multiply it by too much to count and that is what God is feeling. He created us, He loves us more than anything we can ever imagine. He wants us to invite Him in. To take up residence in us.

You know how it feels when someone says to you, I've never told anyone this before. Or this is the first time I think I have said this out loud. You feel very honored that they would confide in you, that they would let you into those deep places within themselves. You feel very special. You know they must feel very highly of you to share their deepest thoughts. You don't take it lightly. It is fragile. You take this knowledge very carefully. As to let them know, this is a big deal and I know that. I will do my best to not let you down. But you might, you are human.

I imagine that this is how God feels when we invite Him in. Like a proud parent. But a major difference here (and there are a lot of differences) If you invite Jesus in He will never let you down. He Can't. He would be going against his very nature, He would be a contradiction. Therefore He is faithful, He never changes, The same today, yesterday, tomorrow. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us of this.

The one who knows it all, wants you to want Him. He wants to be invited in. It is a level of intimacy that is beautiful. He doesn't just want to know it, He wants you to want Him to know it. So share it, there is nothing you can say that will make Him love you less, there is nothing that you have done that will change how He feels about you. There is nothing in your heart or in your thoughts that will make your path change, He knows it all already. Invite Him in.

Remember He is not a desperate being, He is powerful and will be worshipped. But He wants you to realize your need for Him.

Be Bold enough to pray Psalm 139 and believe it in Faith and see what happens.


You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Transitions are necessary, they tell us where we are going.

So when I graduated from university (I know really Erica, UNIVERISTY... hop off it, HA It's what they say in Canada, and I haven't quite lost it, nor do I want to, it makes me sound distinguished, HA) I had planned to spend a little time at home. I had been away from home for basically 6 years only coming back for Christmas and summer. I wanted to be closer to my family, be able to see them when I wanted to, not when I was home for a visit. I wanted to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. (this is a big deal because if you did not know Canada does not have the same Thanksgiving as us, theirs is in the beginning of October, Harvest time, or our Columbus Day) My school did have an American Thanksgiving dinner that you could pay to go to and I did for two years, it was good, but just not the same as grandma's house. I only planned on staying home for a year or two and then I would be on my next adventure. Ya see ever since I graduated high school I had been living far away having adventures. I went to Ecuador for a year and then to Canada for 5. So I was used to traveling and being on my own and seeing new places. I developed a travel itch and it needs to be scratched every so often.

So I had planned on staying home for only a couple of years. Home was to be a transition period. I saw this period as getting rid of some student loan debt and basically just living for a few years. I did not think that I should be planting any roots because what was the point I was going to be gone in a year or 2.

Well that year or two has turned into 4 and most likely 5. I realized that this could still be a transition period no matter the length of the stay. But that I should start planting roots. Because no matter if it is a transition time or not it shouldn't be viewed as wasted time, or lesser. God still has you here. He still has a plan and you still have things that you need to be doing here, now. Not in a year or two when you go somewhere else. I need to start getting involved in things here and building relationships here because where I am, you got it, here. I cannot start to build a life in the future in a different place, because once again that is not my reality. This is and I need to be seeing it as just as valuable as any other period of time. 

So last November I was asked to be on our Missions Team. It is a few year commitment but right now, I do not have a plan for the future. Right now this is my future, for now at least. I am working toward helping out with our youth, which I probably should have been doing a while ago, but I thought why start when I am going to be leaving so soon. (HA hindsight, ain't it something.) I am going to be taking the membership class at our church, which has been a long time coming. My mom has been asking for awhile, but as said before I thought why do that when I am going to be leaving.

Now transitions are necessary in life. Not just in life but in writing. We use transition words to guide readers along our train of thought. It is a clue as to our next point or a new direction our paper is going into. Think of that as life. And our transitions are God's way of directing us to another point or to a new phase of life. These transitions in a paper can be as simple as a word-- next, therefore, after. Or they can be a whole other idea that needs to be explored. Same in life. A transition could be as simple as quitting a job and getting a new one, or day to day decisions. But it could also be an extended period of time where God is getting us ready for what is to come. He is preparing us for the next phase. But this transition time is probably more important than the actual next phase, because this is where God is molding us and forming us into the person that is ready for that next phase.

Seeing a transition period as a waste can be a very destructive mindset.  Continually waiting for the next best thing to come along. Planning and planning for that next best thing. Essentially wasting the gift that God has given us, the gift of every single day that we wake up and take in breath. Missing opportunities now to grow, in knowledge, in faith. Missing doing his work and being apart of something bigger than us. I am reminded of a quote by Jim Elliot who was a missionary to the indigenous people in Ecuador and was actually killed by those very people he was trying to witness to.



Throughout the Bible God calls us to be in the moment. In Matthew chapter 6 He talks about worrying about tomorrow, or worrying about having what you need.  (get ready for my paraphrase) "Isn't the lily clothed beautifully, doesn't your Father in Heaven love you more than a flower, then how much more will He give to you." Or the idea that today has enough worry in and of itself. Do not take some from tomorrow and add it to today. (another awesome paraphrase) But the idea is there. Live in today. God knows what you need. He will provide it.

I need to pay student loan debt. It is not a secret. God of course knows. When I first came home from school I did not have a job in the fall. I did some looking but nothing came up. I had a week before I was essentially not going to have a job. But I was not worried, because I knew that God knew I had to pay off loans. Well that same week he brought a full time teaching aid position into my life. Sometimes I think we feel as though we have to plan it out. We are afraid that God will not show up, our faith and trust is very little. So we make sure we have a job or ___________. Basically not giving God a chance to wow us. Do not get me wrong I do not think we have the ability to change His plans. But we could be wowed by Him. Really see Him move and grow in our Trust. (that is for another time.)

I want it to be true.

God you are everything that I need. You are my heart's desire. You are the reason I live and breath.

I want these realities to be true in my life. I want you to be the center of it all. I want to have to do your work because I am indebted to you. I cannot not (I know double negative) follow you and make your business my business because of your unrelenting mercy and grace.

But I don't feel like they are true. Or am I just being too hard on myself. Or do I convince myself that I have other things vying for my attention.

It's like John Mark McMillian said on his commentary for his song Heart Runs. He sings these words and he doesn't feel like they are true of him. He wants them to be true, but he is afraid they are not. 

Like deer to the pool

I'm coming after you

Like a thirsty animal

My heart is for your love

Like Jonah from the deep

I'm coming out of my sleep

To find the secrets that you keep

Is the only thing worth rising for

From the dirt you've drawn me out

And you draw me out again

I'm coming back from the dead

I'm coming out of my skin

And you are everything my heart wants

Everything my heart wants

And my heart runs

My heart runs after you

Like breakers on the shore

You're knocking on my door

Like the deepest places in you

Calling to the fountains of my soul

From the dirt you've drawn me out

And you draw me out again

I'm coming back from the dead

I'm coming out of my skin

And you are everything my heart wants

Everything my heart wants

And my heart runs

My heart runs after you

This is exactly how I feel. And maybe my heart is doing and my mind is doubting because maybe I am comparing how this looks in me with how it looks in others. I am not sure if I am doing that, just thinking on paper (not really thinking aloud).  Or as I said before am I just too hard on myself. Or because I want it to be true of me then I must be doing something right.

Or Maybe I am thinking too much. I am just afraid that it is not true and that is not something I want. I am afraid that I have created a God I am comfortable with and that I can handle. and I don't believe, truly believe that He is who He says He is. I am worried that I am crippling my faith and that I am not able to let Him guide my steps because I don't believe He will. It's not so much that I am afraid of what he will ask me to do. There is a part of me, (maybe a small part) that doesn't think he will, that I am so insignificant and wrong that He won't. It's almost like in gym class when they are picking teams and there is 1 person left and that team could have an extra player, or an advantage, but they would rather not have you then have an "advantage". They say, "You can keep score." They seriously think that their team would be stronger without them. I almost feel like I hear God saying, "Why don't you sit this one out." I know this is not reality. But...

These are the thoughts that run through my head. 

Then I am reminded of David. Not seen by any of his brothers to have worth. He was just a shepherd boy. But God had different plans for him. He was to be King. He was to slay a giant with a few rocks. God had big plans for this person that other's had written off. (1 Samuel 16 and 17)

Even thinking about how Jesus came into the world. so unassuming, so meek, so humble. Not even in a real bed/crib/home. Seriously with the animals. That is how our savior came into this world.

God uses the lowly, the week, the down and out. Those people who completely do not believe in themselves, hello Moses. Exodus 3:7-10, he goes on and on about sending someone else. God must have the wrong person. But no God did some amazing things through this person who did not have much belief in themselves. But God believed in them. I have heard before that if you do not have belief in yourself than take some of the belief that others have in you and take it as your own, until your belief in stronger. Believe in yourself because the Spirit is in you not because you can do it, but Spirit is your strength, your words, He is doing it.

Maybe even the fact that I am having these thoughts about Christ not being the center is better than thinking I am right with Him and I couldn't be farther from the truth. Let me never stop. Let me always be wrestling.

Maybe we all need to be a little more gullible and a little less skeptical.

Throughout your life people will ask you to believe things that you just know are not true. There is something in you that doubts it. You know, your head tilts to the side, your voice rises like two octaves and you say out loud, "No, that can't be true." Your eyes squint together. You have a complete look of uncertainty on your face. Now they need proof. They need a photo, or a video or a scar or something to take that doubting look off of your face. Then when that proof comes you are set right. It is almost like part of you wanted it to be true, but then the other part (which may be small, always wins over) knows it cannot be true. It is almost a let down, or ruins your trust in people a bit. I know these instances are harmless in reality, they are meant to be funny. But I believe these situations have directly influenced our trust or faith.

Now there are some people who's disbelieving bone is not as strong as others. We like to call these people gullible. I have from time to time been called this. Then you get a little smarter and are not as easily fooled. I do not initially believe but it is with those people who do not let it go. The joke that is. That is what usually will fool me. When they can keep it up. I actually think gullible people have an easier time trusting people in general, and maybe even trusting God.

I feel as though life has created this doubting mentality in us. Our being fooled one to many times. We do not as easily believe.

This reminds me of our walk with God. There are things that happen that cannot be explained, it is hard for us to believe it. Or there are things that SEEM to go against who God is, but in reality they are both true. We just need to widen our capacity of what we know to be true. I mean this is how we learn we make connections to what we already know and if there is no connection from which this new information can be stemmed we either need a new starting point or we disregard it as not being true. This happens as we become adults. Children are creating new starting points all the time. We may say they are gullible but I think God sees them as true believers, with a faith and trust that does not need explanations. They blindly follow, and blindly trust. Now I know that it can get them in trouble at times. But I wish that as adults we kept this blind faith, and truly trusted God for everything and that the wisdom we had came from Him and that would help us steer clear of these harmful situations.

We want so much proof as adults. We want all the information and we want it all to make sense for us. But then where would faith and trust come in. We wouldn't need it. We would essentially be God, having all the answers and all the information. But that is not what we are. And frankly I am not sure I would want all of that information or power. It would be overwhelming. We are so easy to criticize those in power but we would never jump to take their place. Because we know what it would take, and we are not willing to subject ourselves to that. We question God about His plan, but as mentioned in a previous blog God has gotten us this far, He has shown himself to be faithful, but at the littlest thing our faith and trust can be rocked.

Well good news here. God is not asking us to be His equal. He is asking us to be His children, His servants. To trust that He has got everything in control and to follow wherever He may be leading us.

I was listening to John Mark McMillian's new album and he has commentary on there for each song. Where he got inspiration, what led him to write it, what was going on in his mind that sort of thing. For his song Counting On. He basically says that he thinks that faith is not so much an intellectual understanding it is more of a posture of the heart. It is about trusting Him. You are counting on Him because He is all you have. It is a trust when things do not make sense. But you know He is Good and Love, so then trust, have faith. If you know these things to be true then dwell on that and realize that we do not understand everything. We do not and will not have all the answers. So we have to Trust.

I was reminded of these thoughts while I read this article.a-both-and-woman-and-her-bible

Philippians 4:6-7
Isaiah 49:23
Psalm 37:5
Numbers 23:19
Psalm 119:68
Proverbs 3:5

How do we stop the cycle!

Today we are getting new furniture. Getting new furniture is like getting a new car. The excitement level is pretty high because you don't get new furniture or a new care very often. It is not everyday that you go out and pick out a new car or furniture. And I began to wonder at what point do we stop calling it new furniture. When do we stop saying, "Oh this is my new furniture, want to see a picture." At the first stain? The first get together. When it is first sat on? It makes me a little sad to think that I bet it comes about sooner than we expect it to.


I fear that this is the same high or extreme emotions we experience after a close encounter with God. They seem to be rare  in our lives, we take trips, go to conferences, attend a concert and we get a glimpse of Him. We saw a bit of Him that we either never have before or haven't in a long time. When you first get home you are so excited or filled with emotion you think it never could be taken away or diminished. You wonder how you ever got to the emotionless place you were in before this event. Because you have tasted and seen that He is good and you seriously wonder how you ever allowed for it to become normal, not extraordinary. but then it happens. It is slow, but that's why you don't even notice it. But you make little choices each day that ultimately returns you back to that emotionless state you were in before. It is like a never ending cycle and you get more and more frustrated each time the cycle happens. Because it happens every time.

But there are things you could be doing to steer clear of the downward slope in the cycle, or to not allow the crazy dips in emotion. I believe that you will still have the high and the renew of love for your Savior whenever you have an intense experience, but I want that feeling to deepen each time, not have to be restored each time.

Here are a few tips that I came up with to help you steer yourself on the path that has been created from those experiences.

Numero 1.  Continue to spend time with Him

This can look different for everyone. I feel as though I have always seen it as sitting still, before Him, with your Bible open and a concentrated look on your face. And that it was always spent in the morning, for about a half an hour.

Yes it can look like that, but it does not always have to look like that. It is not a box that you check off. (sometimes it may be because of routine, but to be good at anything you need to practice it, this can be the same way)

Take time to sit quietly with Him. Practicing silencing your mind, and truly thinking about Him or just listening to what He might have for you. Maybe it is just listening to His creation give Him praise (Romans 8:19-22, speaks to this, and there are others in the scripture that talks about Creation crying out for God). Luke 19:40, if we are silent, the rocks will cry out. His creation all living things, everything He created praises Him.

It could be going for a walk or a run, and worshiping him through music in your ears. Or listening to a sermon or a video that stretches your understanding of Him.

I want you to understand that there is not a chapter in the Bible that says spending time with me looks like this. It is listening to the Holy Spirit and what the Spirit is saying you need to do today. Maybe you need to be challenged in sitting silently, do it, and practice it. Don't just do what is comfortable. (I maybe be saying you a lot, but I am saying this to myself too, I had an intense encounter with God an I do not want to fall back into my old ways)

If you want to be stretched in some of the ways you worship, or spend time with Him check out this book Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth I first read it in Bible College and it was a struggle, in a good way, because not all the disciplines are comfortable. They aren't meant to be, enjoy it.

Numero 2- Post Reminders

We are a forgetful people. I do not think that we want to forget the love we have for God. I do not believe that we want to continue in this cycle of emotionlessness and extreme highs. But we become forgetful. We need another reminder.

In Deuteronomy 6:5 God is saying that Israel needs to love their God with all their heart, soul, and strength. Then in 6-8 He goes into how it should be upon your hearts. Youneed to be impressing it on your children (passed down). Talked about everywhere at all times. Before you sleep and when you ride.Then He says they need to be tied as symbols to your hands, on your foreheads, on your doorframes and your gates. Put them everywhere, so you will not forget.

Once those reminders do not have the desired effect, change them. Put new ones up, keep yourself from falling back down that cycle.

Numero 3- Limit your screen time. 

This one might seem obvious, but with the world at our fingers tips it is so easy to just pick up the phone and start scrolling through Instagram (my favorite) or through Facebook. And then when you are 5 people deep in creeping (oh is that just me) you realize that you just spent a half an hour doing ultimately nothing. Now I am not saying get rid of the screens or the social media, because I do believe that they can be great tools. but they end up being procrastination tools rather than connection tools. I would challenge you to maybe start with a day without going on any social media, playing games, or watching TV and see what happens. I took a whole 30 days once and was amazed. I got so much reading and organizing done. I was also amazed to find that I didn't miss it that much. I was present when with friends and not on my phone. (that is so what we do too, when their is an awkward lull in group situations, instead of embracing it, or trying to fill it, we get out our phones)

Now I am not saying that you need to get rid of all of it, or maybe you do need to for a period of time. But maybe create a time frame each day, an hour or two. That is spent on your phone. And then just keep track. Ok I just spend 20 minutes on Facebook, subtract that from your time limit and that is what you have left.

I also think that sometimes when we are on social media we begin to see others' lives (or what they want us to see) and we begin to compare our lives to theirs and we start to see ourselves as less because we are not doing x, y, and z. Oh they went on another great vacation, or they bought a new house, or they just seem to always be having so much fun. (a little side note). So then we think we are not living and our lives are insignificant. But truly we only put on social media what we want others to see and usually that is the fun, and the exciting. Not the mundane and boring.

Numero 4-Do things that truly require faith

I was asked by someone recently, because they were asked in a devotional, what are you doing right now that truly requires faith? What are you doing that you cannot do on your own? What are you stepping out in that completely scares you and is way out of your comfort zone? It can be something small or something big. It does not matter It is the same in that it requires faith in God, it requires you not knowing how it is going to turn out.

Everyday the Spirit is leading us into encounters that require faith. Will you follow or will you stay put?

This could be asking someone for coffee, joining a group or club, sharing about yourself, listening to that small voice in your head and doing it. It could be picking up a new hobby or skill. It could be as simple as saying hi to someone. Asking someone, and truly caring, how they are doing? Holding a door for someone, giving someone a hug. You know when you have a feeling like you should do something, and either you let it pass or you seize it. That is requiring faith. You are trusting that you are meant to do it and that God has a plan. It could be something so simple, but to that other person it is everything.

For example I was recently on a trip, you are probably thinking what you were on a trip, Just Kidding. Anyways I was going through some of my old insecurities, well I guess they were not very old. They were very real in this moment. My insecurities of not being thought of, being left out or behind. Even at my age (I know I am not that old) these things will still come up and still affect me greatly, they bring me back to when I was a teenager and who wants to go back there am I right. I had a good cry, which is always a good thing, I cried out to God in frustration because these insecurities are so selfish and I thought I was over them. I spent some time with Him and my mom (the one person I do not have to fake it with) (Not saying I fake it often, but in this moment when I have to be in a group I did not want to be crying because I was left out) I was just silently praying for a good period of time just asking God to help me, comfort me, speak truth to me. Then someone brought a chair over to me (I was standing at this point). And I almost felt like God was saying, "Hey, you are thought of, you are not alone, but people will not think of you all the time, they are flawed. But I am not, I am always thinking of you, I will never leave you." Ya see that simple act of bringing me a chair, so insignificant to that person, but to me in that moment it was everything, it rocked me and God touched me through his people. If that person had not given me that chair, had decided to ignore that voice, I would have been comforted by God, but not in the moment. Not creating these thoughts that I can share with you now.

You might not think that those things require faith or trust, they are so simple. But you are trusting that God has a plan for that act. (Not that you are thinking, "If I am going out of my way there better be a reason." But you are just trusting that God has a reason for this urging inside of you.

There are many verses about having faith in God. We really need to work on our trust. the more time you spend and the more you listen to that voice. The more trust and faith will come naturally. Because you will notice His plan is always perfect.

Habakkuk 2:4
2 Chronicles 20:20


Numero 5- Surround yourself with people that will challenge and push you

If you return home and go right back into all of the habits and patterns of life that you had before things will not change. Life will go right back to what it is was like before you left. But if you come back and think about how you spend your time, and who you spend it with and decide to change some of those things then life will be different. We have talked about how you spend your time, Here is another great post about redirecting your life.

But for this step you need to think about those people that essentially have what you have in a spiritual way. They push you, they challenge you. They make you want to be better just by hanging out with them. They have integrity, humility, a passion for God, all things that you would want to be true of you as well. The people you surround yourself with will rub off on you. So who do you want rubbing off on you, people that spur you towards Christ or people who pull you away from Christ.

Now I am not saying that these are the only people you hang around with. Because we are meant to be in this world, and witnessing to it. But you need to be around people that bring you closer to Him as well.

Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

My prayer for you is that your hope and trust will grow in the Lord and you will not doubt or fall back into your old patterns of life. Do not focus so much on not falling back into those patterns, but focus on staying with your new patterns.