This is a work in progress. Keep that in mind. Thanks!
As a child I never thought that I was meant for something
special. Not to be dramatic but I had many things stacked against me. Or so I
thought. I was in a single parent household, and my father was not exactly
present. I lived in a trailer (and I found this to be the hardest thing to
overcome.) I am not sure why, but to me it was very embarrassing. I didn’t like
to have people over who were not close friends. I especially didn’t like to
have guys over. I would watch my brother have his girlfriends over and he was
not fazed one bit. He didn’t seem to care. I always wondered why I cared so
much.
Looking back I had many things going for me as well. One
major thing was the fact that I had a mother that was everything I needed her
to be. Now she had to provide for us and be both parents which is not easy and
most likely not what she planned parenting to be, alone. But she is the reason
that I am who I am today.
I always kind of felt
like I was in the way when I was young. In places where I felt uncomfortable I
would not make a lot of noise and would try to stay out of everyone’s way as
much as possible. This was seen the most
in places where I did not feel as though I could be myself. Where I was most
insecure about who I was. I find that I still do this in new situations. I feel
out the situation, the people, I observe and then I begin conversation with one
or two people which helps to get me out of my shell.
At home I was by myself a lot. My mom worked, not like crazy
hours or anything, but I just remember being home alone a lot. It may not have
been the reality but it is interesting what we remember being the norm and what
may have actually been happening.
My brother is five years older than me so we were not really
play mates. We may have been until he was 10 and then I was annoying to him,
which to be fair I was quite annoying. I would go and try to find incriminating
things in his room and I wouldn’t tell my mom I would just leave it out so he
knew I saw it or that someone saw it. I know very weird, but don’t judge me you
did strange things for attention when you were young too. Back off. For example I found the swisher sweets in his
drawer and left them on the dresser, or the No Dose caffeine pills, which I
thought he was doing drugs but found out that they are like a cup of coffee.
Without the stained teeth and bad breath.
I want to state for record. That my brother and I are much closer now.
Now that I do not snoop through his things!
I did have a lot of friends in my neighborhood when I was
young. But they were mostly older than me and not always the nicest. I remember
once leaving one of their houses crying and then she ran up to me and slapped
me for I have no idea what reason anymore, but I was just shocked. That is one
memory I have where I did not speak up for myself. I wonder if I thought I
deserved it or something. All the people treating me poorly, like it was
consequences or something. I would let people do what they wanted to me and I
did not have a back bone. This has changed but it took years to realize that I
was worth it. I do not deserve to have people walk all over me. I do deserve
good friends, not only deserve but need good friends. People that I can
disagree with and not have to worry if they will still be my friends. Peers
that are not using me or friends with me because I am weak and they can
overpower me.
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