What now.

As I have mentioned before this, writing is how I process my life. I share it because I believe others have felt the same way and may in some way take comfort that they are not alone. These are my thoughts, some unfiltered. This is me processing my life.


I will say that I have been blessed. Throughout my life I have not had to face a ton of tragedy. I was around people that did and I would be a shoulder to lean on. I would for sure shed tears on their behalf. But I never have truly lost anyone tragically or suddenly.

Until out of the blue my uncle died. Even then he isn't like my dad or anything right, he is just an uncle. But man that does not compute to me. IT IS KILLING ME.

He was one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. Made you feel seen, heard, and important. This is evident in the constant line at his visitation for 3 1/2 hours. I mean the line was out the door. He was a great man.

I used to think, like the Friday before he passed, that I was not swayed by my circumstances. I was grounded in Christ and no matter what happened in my life I would stay grounded. No more roller coaster of emotions. I was wrong. I am struggling. I used to be able to see the forest among the trees. I could see the end, the bigger picture. But I cannot see anything but this tree right in front of me. There is no bigger picture for me right now. I just cannot seem to go on. I know it has only been a few days and those reading this may be thinking, just give it time. But I do not want to, I don't want this life without him. He made it better.

How can someone be there one second and then not a second later. It is just crazy to me. I cannot understand it. There body full of life and then nothing. What is that.

I used to sing Even if it Hurts by Hillsong and believe every word it. Even if it hurts I will praise you. Basically no matter what I will praise you. I am seriously struggling to believe those words. I want to believe them with all my heart. But I can't do it.

This whole situation reminds me of how fragile life is. I teach people often that we do not know how many days we have on this planet. We live as if we have 80 but truly we do not know. You have to make your self right with God now. Because you never know when your time will be. And the truth is you cannot make yourself right with God, you cannot on your own. No matter how much you may try you can't. And we were never meant to, because God made a way for us to be right with him once again.

Ya see He loved us so much that he actually sent his only son to die so that you may be right with him, so that you may have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus is the only way to be right with God, He even said he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father except through him (John 14:6). The crazy thing about this is it is a free gift as it says in Ephesians. We have been saved by Grace not by anything we have done. it is a gift from God (3:8-9). Being "good" will not do it. It is by having faith in Jesus Christ, that God sent him to save you and that God raised him from the dead. Know you need a savior, and accept Jesus as your savior before it is too late. (these are only a few verses, but Scripture is riddled with verses saying this same thing)

Even more than that watch what he will do with the rest of the life that you have on this planet. It is by no means easy, but very much worth it. This planet is not the end, heaven is real and is open for you, all you need is Jesus. God loves you more than you will ever know.

It has been a few months since I first wrote this. Truly the visitation and funeral finalized it for me. They were extremely hard but necessary in the grieving process. It is still very hard for me when I think about his death. I do not think of it for very long because it starts me down a path that is not good for me. But I think of him daily.

I Don't Want to Go Back

I was chatting with some high schoolers recently about things going on in my life. One of them made a comment such as, “you deal with those things at your age too?”

I responded with an emphatic yes. To be real I still deal with all of the same things I did when I was in high school. I still have the same insecurities and fears. I still wonder a lot of the same things. Have a lot of the same dreams, except being a politician that one is gone.

A major difference though is how I deal with those things when they come up. When something happens and it opens up an insecurity. I know how to healthily close that door back up. I know the truth that puts that insecurity back in its place. I work hard to not let that insecurity run free in my mind because I know the spiral it will lead me down and the destination at the end of it is only dark, lonely, and empty. I don’t like going down that spiral because there is not life at the end of it, only death.

I have matured in how I cope, all credit to Jesus.

But oh boy do I still deal with all that old stuff. And how I have to completely surrender it to Him every time otherwise I negative self talk. I hate feeling like I did back then. Completely tossed to and fro by my emotions. And these emotions were affected by others all of the time. I can’t stand how it can affect how I see myself. How it affects the progress that has been made. How it truly makes me feel like I am 15 again. Helpless and desperate. So when moments happen that remind of that girl, I do not talk kindly to myself. I say things such as, “I thought we were past this,” or “seriously Erica again,” or “what is wrong with you that can’t get over this.” Etc. I don’t like speaking to myself that way because I know God is not. He is simply looking at me with those loving eyes of his and saying, “just give it here.”

But then again it brings me back to the person I was when I realized I needed s savior. When I realized I was indeed helpless and desperate. Maybe in a way I have forgotten that and this is God’s way of bringing me back to him again. Maybe these thoughts and open doors on my mind are a way for me to come face to face with that girl I used to be. Because that girl NEEDED Jesus. I KNOW I need Jesus. But often throughout my day I do not live as though I need him. When my emotions get the best of me and I find myself 15 again, I desperately need Jesus to help get me through. I rely on him. I can’t do it on my own. Only he can get me through.

So even though I hate when things bring me back to THAT girl. The girl in a lot of ways I do not like.   The girl that needed approval from others and found her value in any guy who gave her attention. I need to be thankful for those same moments. No, I do not want to go back to being THAT girl. But that girl was desperate for Jesus. She was helpless and lost. She knew she needed Jesus. Those moments remind me of the desperation. And they bring me to need Jesus desperately.

I can’t sleep. That is why I am writing this right now. I have to get it out. This is how I process. And I know I’m not alone. And I desire for others to also know they are not alone in these thoughts.


Just heard this song the following morning.

Lament by Seacoast Worship

This is the desperation I was speaking of. God is good. Regardless of what I am going through.

What do you Value?

This is the lesson I did while I was with the youth group in Myrtle Beach, SC in 2016. The main passage is found in Luke 19, the passage of Zacchaeus. 

MB Lesson

April 1, 2016

1.       Recap the week

a.       Sunday Empty is good

b.      Monday sinking in your circumstances

c.       Tuesday Sinking in your sin

d.      Thursday- Gospel

2.       Hook

a.       Right and wrong response

                                                               i.      Have you ever given someone the wrong response? OR the right one?

1.       Teachers, Parents, friends.

3.       You have experienced a lot of things this week, I bet your hearts have been moved and now you have a response or a choice, we are going to look at someone today who had the right response to Jesus

4.       Luke 19

a.       Who is Zacchaeus?

                                                               i.      Chief tax collector

1.       Title used nowhere else in scripture

2.       Tax collectors work for the government

3.       Go door to door to get money to give to Rome, the gov’t.

4.       He is a Jew, working for Rome, the enemy

5.       Gets his wealth from the Jewish people

6.       Did what it took to climb the ladder, to be promoted

7.       Seen as a traitor by his people

8.       Tax collectors where like the lowest people in society’s mind

9.       Imagine if you were related to Zacchaeus and he comes to your door asking for money, and asking for more than what he would usually ask for, this creates divides among people

                                                             ii.      Story told only in Luke

1.       Luke is consistent in showing how Jesus had compassion for those in need and those rejected by society

                                                            iii.       He had a desire to see Jesus,

1.       He was not in want, most people that came to Jesus had a serious need, blind, lame, lepers, but he had everything He needed

a.       Like us, we do not necessarily need to rely on God for our physical needs

                                                                                                                                       i.      We like to think that we are in want, money, friends, social status, but truly we are not in crazy want

2.       He had an emotional need that he noticed and He knew that Jesus was different, so he wanted to see Jesus

a.       A little aside, we may have something (Jesus) that others need or want in their lives

                                                           iv.      Invitation

1.       How did Jesus know his name?

2.       Do you think Zacchaeus thought Jesus would actually talk to him, He said he just wanted to see him, not speak to him.

3.       What does it say that Zacchaeus did next?

a.       He stayed up in the tree. No He obeyed.

4.       I do not want us to miss the obvious here.

a.       Zacchaeus was not viewed well by his peers, Christ singles him out, why? Does he notice that Zacchaeus is desiring to see Him. He climbs a tree to do it. He basically is acting like a child, like a fool so that He can just see Him. Not talk to Him, not meet Him, see Him. Throughout scripture Jesus notices when people’s hearts are in the right place, The men who lower the paralyzed man through the roof, the woman at the well, He notices when people do the foolish thing to be near him. WE should be doing the foolish just to be near him just to see him.

                                                             v.      Conviction

1.       How does Zacchaeus respond to Jesus?

a.       He is convicted of his sin.

b.      He is convicted of his wealth, or how he acquired it.

                                                                                                                                       i.      So what does he do about it

                                                                                                                                     ii.      Does walk away sad and not do anything about it?

1.       No He does something about it. He is not willing to live as he was living. He has been changed from the inside out because of coming in contact with Jesus.

                                                                                                                                    iii.      There is an outward response to an inward change.

1.       James speaks of this in James 2:26 Faith without works is dead, there is action to show the inward change.

2.       If you join a sports team, you wear a uniform to show who you represent. An outward action, you use the proper techniques for whichever sport you are in to show you know the sport. An outward action to show an inward change.

a.       I faked this action for a very long time. I pretended to be a Christian for a long time. I fooled people, but I never fooled God.

2.       Just a chapter before Jesus comes in contact with a rich man.

a.       Luke 18:18-23

b.      He seeks Jesus out and asks Him how do you inherit eternal life?

                                                                                                                                       i.      Jesus responds, Sell all you have and give to the poor. (Does Jesus say that anywhere else?) It is about the heart. Jesus is combating what He values.

                                                                                                                                     ii.      The rich man left sad because he had great wealth. We have no idea what he did after that. But the difference here is that The rich man is leaving sad and Zacchaeus is joyful. He realizes that Jesus, is greater than anything else. Jesus is greater than wealth.

                                                           vi.      What is God convicting you of?

1.       What do you find valuable in this world, is it money, status, friends, appearances.

2.       What might He be asking from you/of you?

a.       In this case Zacchaeus is feeling convicted by how he has treated people because of money.

b.      What is your thing? What has this week been chipping away at?

                                                                                                                                       i.      Maybe it is to talk to someone

1.       Ask for forgiveness

2.       Make a public declaration

3.       Maybe it is to stop certain friendships or relationships

4.       Maybe it is to stop caring what others think of you.

5.       Or to stop worrying about __________.

6.        

                                                                                                                                     ii.      What is God telling you, you need to do?

                                                          vii.      Many of you have had a very emotional response to this week. Which is awesome, You are coming in contact with Jesus and you are being willing. But you also had that at Districts, Bond, MB last year, and KY or Quincy. But it didn’t quite seem to stick. It didn’t last. After a few weeks you have return to living how you did before

                                                        viii.      I believe that is because you have a choice. You have a response. You need to chose how you are going to respond.

1.       Are you going to be obedient to what Christ is telling you, to what you are being convicted of? Or are you gong to return to your life, your school, your home, your job, as if this week never happened.

2.       Are you going to be stuck in this cycle of trip high, change for a few weeks, back to my life, oh look another trip, then another trip high, then change for 3 weeks now instead of 2, so I must be getting better right but then it starts again like it does every time, it is so slow you do not even notice it. The slow decline back to normalcy, back to what you were like before the trip. But oh I cannot wait for the next trip so that I can have another high.

a.       What you have felt this week is amazing, do not get me wrong. But it is a lot of emotion and you will not have that intense amount of emotion all of the time and I want to tell you know that that is okay. I do not want you thinking that the Christian life is a trip high all the time. IT IS NOT! IT is a daily walk, it is a daily choice, it is a daily faithfulness. And to be honest sometimes I do not feel like it. But I still do it because I remember what He has done for me and I will remain faithful to Him, the best I know how.

3.       This is not how we are called to live. It is inevitable to have a trip high, but it should deepen your life for God, not restore it every time.

b.      After my Haiti trip this last year

c.       Which response will you have the one of the rich ruler, or Zacchaeus? Will you leave sad after this week because you know what God is requiring of you and you value it too much to give it up, or Zacchaeus filled with joy and so ready to give whatever up because you value Him more than anything else.

5.       Response time

a.       I am going to give you time to reflect on this, to think about what is God asking of you. What have you experienced this week, and why do you not want to return back to how you were living.

6.       After response time

a.       After my Haiti trip last year I wrote down a list of 5 things that I wanted to work on to help me be able to stop the downward slope.

                                                               i.      Number one was a daily time with Him. I made the choice to get up earlier, which might mean going to bed earlier, so that I could start my day with Him. Some days I read, some days I pray. Some days I still get up, but I am so tired I may rest. But I am still being faithful and making it a priority.

                                                             ii.      Post reminders around, because we are forgetful people, we need to be reminded. So post reminders, that is why we did _____________ for you to post to remind yourself of what you want to be

                                                            iii.      Limit your screen time, we waste so much time on those things and we also are not having good interactions with people when we are on those things while hanging out with people.

                                                           iv.      DO things that require faith. Go out of your comfort zone. Push yourself a bit so that you actually have to rely on God and that He will get all the glory.

                                                             v.      Surround yourself with people that are trying to do the same thing. Be in small groups where you are learning stuff. Have one-on-ones with people to discuss life and what you are struggling with and need prayer for.