Why do I do this?

(Photo cred: Mady Haight)

I remember in university beginning to not like how I reacted or felt in many different situations. This brought on a desire to better understand why I reacted or felt the way I did. The majority of these came from my upbringing, but recently I have found that I was born with some of these natural tendencies as well.

Since then I have desired to be more self-aware. I have had this desire because I want to be better in my relationships. At first it was for me and my own health, which is very true. And if I am healthy then I can also have healthier interactions with others and those interactions do not need to send me down a spiral. Actually if I am healthy mentally, I do not have to give them the power to affect me at all. I began this process by questioning the things I did, why I did them, what I was hoping to gain from them. I questioned the thoughts I had and why I went to that place with that thought instead of another place.

This first came to the surface when I would not give people the benefit of the doubt when they did something wrong. Even deeper than that I would negatively talk to myself about getting my hopes up and thinking this time would be different. I knew when those thoughts came that they were not healthy and I needed to do something about them. I actually started my counseling journey in that moment. Those appointments helped me to better bring my thoughts and actions into the light.

Every time I do not like how I am feeling about something I know that I need to question what I am feeling and why to get to the underlying issue. This is what helps me to better understand it and be able to grow. All of this is done with grace and with the aim of becoming more and more like Jesus. Not simply so that I can be better for this life, and to make my relationships better. It is with the end goal of allowing God to transform me into who I am supposed to me.

If you find yourself not enjoying how you are feeling then start by better understanding who you are and why you do the things you do. Get to the root of the issue. All of the behaviors and the thoughts are symptoms of underlying issues. Get the root and you can start to build a new foundation.

One of my roots was that guys cannot be trusted and I should not expect them to. This stemmed from my past. I had to realize that not every guy is the same and I need to open my heart to trust them, even if they let me down from time to time. Which they will. I find that with Jesus all the time. He loved people unconditionally, he did not care what he received back. I cared too much what I received back, it was always completely selfish.

I want to be better for those around me and I want to be better for me. What about you?

Stay tuned for how I am furthering my journey!!!

I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

I am not ready!

So tomorrow is the day.

Well actually next Saturday is the big day. But tomorrow is the day I officially say good-bye. So tomorrow is the day.

I have moments when I am doing really good. When I know that God has it all. That he will take care of everything here and there. When I am completely at peace about everything.

Then there are moments when the emotions overtake me. When I cannot seem to think about leaving these people. When I already feel the weight of missing them and I cannot anymore. I can't seem to think of those moments when God has it all. When I am completely content with what God has for me. The emotions become too heavy.

My emotions are all over the place and this will not change when I arrive in Haiti. I know that I will have crazy emotions a lot of the time. But I do hope that I can abide in Him to help me sort them out.

I am super excited for this opportunity. It is going to stretch and grow me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. But I know that those times, when you are being stretched are not necessarily those moments that while you are in them seem fantastic. I know that I am going to have some great moments. Seriously great moments. But I also know that I will have moments when life becomes too much. Living can become too much. And I want to curl up in a ball and just not live for a little bit. To not do life for a minute. I know I will have times when circumstances and what is right in front of me becomes everything. And I lose perspective. I have stopped looking to Him and I started to look around me. When I am not longer dwelling on things above, but on things on this earth. When I stopped fixing my eyes on the unseen instead of the seen. (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Colossians 3:2).

Many people have asked if I am ready for this adventure. And every single time I respond with, "As ready as I will ever be." But truly do you ever feel ready. When you take a leap of faith, do you ever feel ready? And if you feel ready does that mean you are relying too much on your own understanding and knowledge and less on trusting God and having faith that He will meet you and guide you and fill in the gaps?

I am not ready. I am not ready to lead, I am not ready to teach. I am not ready to live so far out of my comfort zone, for a longer period of time than I probably every have. But to me that just means that I will be relying on Him for absolutely everything. He will be what gets me through this summer. I will not be able to take credit for any of it. I do think that I have the best mindset than I ever have before a missions trip. I know I am not capable of this, before when I was preparing for these trips I knew that I could do what was required of us. (not to be prideful, I just knew that I wouldn't be asked to do things that were too difficult for me) and the difficult parts of the trip where emotional. This time I am asked to do things that frankly scare me. Scare might not be the right word, but I truly do not feel qualified. But as He said to Moses, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) Or when I am wondering what to say, when I am struggling with what to teach, just as he said to Moses "who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exodus 4:11-12). These truths will be with me.

A song that came up recently a Spotify playlist I found Top Christian Tracks, if you want to find it yourself, Thy will. Here are the lyrics that I love.

“I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here / I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart is a part of your plan / When I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt and these four words.”
Chrous:
“Thy will be done (x3).”
“I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about / It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises / Sometimes I gotta stop / Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So …”
“Thy will be done (X3) / Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is / Thy will be done (X2) / Thy will.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord.”


Read More: Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, Thy Will [Listen]

Even though I might not understand what is going on. I truly do want whatever He wants. I know His plan is perfect and I want His plan. Truly Thy Will Be Done!

I also read something that someone sent me on Instagram today. It very much goes along with what I have been experiencing in my life recently and has also been a common theme in my thought process for the last year or two. This idea that God does not give us the entire plan. He doesn't even give us 2 steps in advance. He gives us just what we need.

lysaterkeurst 
God is teaching me so much about really trusting Him. Fully. Completely.
Without suggestions or projections I just need to embrace the very next thing He shows me. And then the next.
Though the long path is uncertain, He's so faithful to shed just enough light to see the very next step.
This isn't Him being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of His mercy.

Too much revelation and we'd pridefully run ahead of Him. Too little and we'd be paralyzed with fear.
So I'm seeking slivers of His light just for today and filling the gaps of the unknown with trust.



I needed this so much, she put it into words that I have failed to be able to do. Haiti is my next step. Even within Haiti I know I will have many other steps. But God will give me just enough light to view those next steps. Trust is what God asks of us and that is what I am going to do this summer. When things do not make sense, which they do not the majority of the time with God, I will trust. When I feel as though I am in over my head, I will trust. When things are not going as I had planned, I will trust. When my emotions are overtaking me, I will trust. When things are too hard, I will trust.

I will trust in Him.

I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.

So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.

I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.

It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.

 It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.

But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.

To recognize... me.

I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.

But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.

I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.

I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.

I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.

But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.

I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.

Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.

(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)

It's like a gentle slap in the face.

SO I feel like every time I have opened up my Bible or devotional book this week. God has been gently slapping me across the face. Not really because He is so much gentler than that. But He has been a working.

Here is the first occurrence
So we always say that God works in crazy ways. And He so does. I was going through my bank account last night, paying bills and what not. I should have done this a week ago, when I got paid, but I slacked and then money goes and I wonder how I am going to pay everything this month. Lesson learned.

But last night I started to stress over my money. My credit card has a lot of money on it, and I have no idea how it got up that high, and does not seem to go down, because I never use it anymore. But that is a constant battle. I found myself feeling crippled again under all of my debt. And I do not just have credit card, I also have student loan debt.

I dwelled on it for a little bit last night, not majorly like I have done in the past. But I did start to worry a bit. Just thinking that I feel as though I am never going to be debt free. Or the debt just seems to never be going down, even though I pay so much on it. Whatever the thoughts could be  they were.

I was able to sleep just fine last night. Which shows that it didn't completely rock me. I had a little trouble because of a mental to do list and I finally had to write it down and then I was good to go.

Today when I woke up to do my devotional, I was getting ready for my youth Sunday School class this morning, The entire thing was about wealth. And that if you value wealth you cannot also value God. It came from James and various other places in the Bible. But it hit me like a brick. I do not need a lot of money. Because even last night I was thinking of ways that I need to make more money. I do have an awesome company that I work for and I could put more effort into that so then I could earn more money. But this morning I felt as though God was reminding me that more money does not change bad spending habits. If you want to read about that one, click on the previous text. God was also reminding me that we are not called to be wealthy, if that happens then awesome, but that shouldn't be my goal in life. To fill it with things and money. It should be to dwell in the Lord. Jer. 9:22-23

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, ²⁴ but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Psalm 37:4 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Our focus needs to be on God. ALL THE TIME. For moments last night, it was on money. And money is a real issue. We are so blessed in this country. Now with that does come more responsibility. Like bills and other payments. So you for sure do not feel like we are very rich people in the world. But the truth is we are. 

(random side note, I hope that no English majors read this and dissect my horrid grammar skills.) 

Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Money, with me, may always be tight, because for one, I do not always care to put in that crazy work ethic. But God will bless whatever I do if I am abiding in Him and trusting Him and Delighting in Him. 

My next two have been while doing my Gideon study. I have been feeling frustrated while working with the youth. I love them, they are quirky and have not been horribly tainted by the world yet, but I see the world slowly seeping in. What has been hard is seeing them turn their backs on God all the time. They give Him their seconds, oh let's be honest it's their tenths. And they care more about their friend's perception of them than God's.

I have been reminded lately that I was just like that, and at times I am like that, I would fit God into my plans, and I would act one way at church or youth group and then a completely different way at school or with my friends. And God was so patient. He was so loving. He gentling pursued me. And I realized that I need to be that way with these kids too. Gentle and patient. And while reading Gideon God is so patient with Him. Gideon asks for so many signs to confirm what He already knows God has asked him to do. He never got frustrated with Gideon, He never got angry, He patiently and gently gave him signs. He knew Gideon was afraid. God even initiates one of the tasks that can help with Gideon's confidence.If God, who has every reason to be frustrated with how we act, can be so abundantly patient, how much more patient with people should we be.

The next way that God has been talking to me is through my lack of faith in when He has called me to do something. Right now it is in going to Haiti. I know that I am meant to be there, but that does not make getting up in front of 30 people every night easier. It doesn't minimize the crazy responsibility that comes along with leading a team. I have been lacking confidence in myself, which in turn is me lacking confidence in God.

Gideon had these same thoughts. That is why he asked for confirmation. I do hope that one day I have a faith that does not require confirmation. But right now I am not there yet. I tend to need to talk things over with people, after I feel God nudging me in a particular direction. This is not always bad, but we should trust the Spirit and have faith and walk in that when we do what we are being asked to do.

Priscilla, the writer of the study, makes a clear distinction between two different types of confirmation. Either you are asking for caution, or because of doubt and unbelief. What is important here is the heart behind it all. One is asking for clarity from a true sense of faith, our faith needs only to be strengthened, the other is asking from a place of ignoring what has already been said and not desiring to move in faith. Mine is a lack of faith, it needs only to be strengthened.

I also realized that many people in the Bible did not feel qualified for what He was calling them to do. That is where God can come in and show His power. If you  think you are qualified then God will be getting you the victory, but you will think you did it all.

Right now I am lacking confidence in my ability. But I do know in the core of who I am that God is bigger than it all. And He hasn't failed and He won't start now.

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He has got my back and wants what is best for me.

These are truths that I say to myself when doubt or insecurity start to creep in, which they do, often.

You cannot go wrong doing what God asks of you

Two in one week, count yourselves lucky. Just kidding

So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.

After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.

What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.

Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do.  I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.

Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.

In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.

I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.

I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.

I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.

If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.

Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Stop doubting, He has shown He is faithful.

Do not doubt.

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

Truly believing that something is right or that something will happen is a beautiful thing. I think when we doubt we hesitate to believe that God is who He says He is. Or we doubt ourselves even more, but then we are uncertain that God will do what He says He will do. Doubt is almost like the lukewarm, it is not fully believing, and it is not completely in disbelief. This is where faith and trust comes in.

(but take heart, in Jude 1:22 it is stated "have mercy on those who doubt."

God has gotten us this far, He knows what we need, so why do we doubt that He will guide us, why do we doubt that He has our backs. Why do we doubt His presence in us. Why do we think that well last time was easier, and this time, this is a big thing, I am not quite sure He can do it. Seriously why do we do this every time something scary happens. It is like we completely forget everything that he has done for us. What He has done throughout history. 

I just moved in an area that was extremely scary for me. I wasn't even going to do it. I half way did it and thought okay that was safe. It still took everything in me to press publish. Then I immediately went for a walk I had to process and be with God. It was too much, but probably just enough for Him. Because today I was pushed to completely do it.  To share it with the everyone. Then decided to just do it. So with my heart racing and tears brimming. I pressed post and I am not kidding that took it all. It was in his hands and I just hoped it would be for his glory and not for mine. It is all for His glory. A few girls messaged me while I was out, after I posted it and they affirmed my feelings. They were glad to not feel alone. I was commended on my vulnerability and sometimes I think it is stupidity, (not really) but some say you should not be so open. But I do not believe that. If you do not share your struggles or issues or sufferings I think we begin to feel shameful over those things. The devil uses our minds to tell us that it is wrong, that no one else will understand, that we are alone. But we are not alone. No issue or struggle is new. We all have them and for many of us they are the same. Get past yourself and share it. Be brave and do not doubt. God will use it.
Check out this article
God brings us suffering for others sake

All the words that I have, all the thoughts that I have, all the epiphanies that I have, anything that I share, it came from Him first. None of it is original. Nothing is new under the sun. I learned that in Ecclesiastes. Any issue or struggle that you go through is not new. Humans have been struggling with it for centuries, I hope that is encouraging, because it was for me. God got those people through those sufferings, He will get you through yours too. 

James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

More scripture on doubting-
Matthew 21:21
Proverbs 3:5-8
John 20:27
Matthew 14:28-31
There are many more.

Trust and have faith. That is my challenge for myself as well as for you. 

I am not a boy crazy girl... But...

I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.

I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.

I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)

Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.

Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.

I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.

I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.

"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.

(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)

Anything that brings you closer to God, count it a blessing. Haiti part 2

Alright so last year when I went on this trip I was in a completely different place than I am this time around. So that has changed this year's trip for me already. Last year, you could go back and read through them here, here, and here and here, they are progressive, but I was very much needing the trip for myself, which was not a bad thing. but this year I was able to go much more selflessly. I was able to invest in others and really give of myself. It was a completely different experience, but at the same time being very similar. It is funny how that can happen with just a change in the mind. Your mind is a crazy place. I mean think about it. Yes about half the team that when this time was new, so that was different, but same place, same children (who I miss daily and just watching them brings a ton of joy), There was a different staff this time, but much of it was the same, but it truly was almost like a different trip all because my mindset was different.

It was crazy seeing all of the work that was completed. The groups that have come in have done so much and gotten so much done. The area that we dug up, is filled with concrete and block creating apartments for the teachers that teach at the orphanage. The Next Step Ministries Staff are using the apartments that we painted. God is just so good and it is evident because work is getting done, the children are happy, cared for, and fed. The Next Step Staff is inspiring and encouraging. They push me to stay in the word and follow after Him, just by living their faith out. God is working in this organization. These pictures are basically taken in the same spot, it's hard to tell, but it is crazy how much work got done.

The first night we were there we had a video by Francis Chan, and I think it was my favorite of the week. I mean all of them were immensely impactful. Francis does not do eloquence, he does not speak in elaborate terms or twisting paradoxes. He is simple, but cuts to the heart. He has a way of bringing something that you have heard numerous times before and makes you go huh? I never thought of it like that. Or brings it new meaning. He brings a new story to it or a new analogy and you are almost reminded of what brought you to your knees that first time you were completely in awe of Him and gave your life over to Him.

Anyway, done with that shameless Francis plug (but for real read one of his books and try to not see God in a different light, just try I dare ya). In this video Francis walked us through a cemetery and revealed his story to us. He has had quite the childhood of loss. But the one thing he said that struck me is that anything that brings you closer to God count it a blessing., the good, the bad, the ugly. It all had a purpose and it brought you ultimately closer to God which is our goal in life so be blessed and thank God for it.

I know that God has a plan. I know that everything that happens happens for a reason. I know that when I am struggling it is for a purpose and God is molding me. But I have never thought of it as a blessing, as something to look forward to, as something I should almost long for. A blessing is something you are thankful for, that you wish you had more of. Who looks at those tough times and is like "Yeah bring it on again." I know I would not want to go through my year long darkness stint again. Even though I am very thankful for it. I learned so much through it. But I also remember how hard it was. How I had a break down every week, living was hard, socialization was difficult. But He brought me through. As He always does. But I am also reminded that during that time, I didn't get myself through it. I was at the end of me, and that is when He took over, carried me, and guided me. He truly was my strength.

(Huge tangent coming beware)
At this very moment I have been listening to Good Good Father on like repeat lol. But I think sometimes we need to stop all of the noise and be okay with the silence. I am sitting on my stoop where the ants are quite annoying, but I will deal because it is the only thing I have to sit on outside. And all I want to do is be out of my house. I'm not sure what it is, (it could be that major cleaning needs to happen) but I just do not want to be in there. I want to be outside. (which if you know me at all, I do not like nature all that much, or I should rephrase that, I do not like bugs very much). We gotta do something about this because I like to sit outside, (for the most part, bugs are like my enemy) and we do not have a good patio thing. And listen to me complain. Actually me sitting like this is much like how I contemplate life in Haiti, on the ground. So actually let this be a constant reminder to me of how I wrestle with and get to know God, sitting on the ground, sitting on concrete. Here is a perfect example of something drawing me closer to God it removes a lot of distractions, reminds of Haiti, so it is a blessing. I do not need to lavish things to feel close to God. All I need is concrete. (I guess)

(Back on track)
One aspect of my life that I, for a very long time, wished was different was the fact that I had a father that was not very present in my life. My parents got divorced when I was four and when I was five we moved three and a half hours away. For the first few years of living with the distance we saw him every other weekend. But then we got older and got into sports so our trips up to see him became farther apart. He called every once in awhile, but it felt like an obligation over a desire to talk to his children. I hated that I didn't have a good father in my life or a father figure at all. I think what I didn't like most of all was the aspects of my life that it affected. The parts of my mind that were twisted or altered because I didn't grow up with male affection. Thus I searched for it. I longed for attention from the opposite gender. And I hated that insecurity in me. Or the insecurity that I was not worth it, or was not enough, because I had this false idea that it was because of me that my father was not around. That if I would have been x, y, and z I would have had his attention and love. It took many years for me to figure out that it was not me it was him.

I still deal with those insecurities in me, but I am not trying to fix them on my own anymore. You see the one aspect of God that brought me to my knees and truly made me want to run into his arms, is that He is a Father to the fatherless. He will never leave you or let you down. Which I felt my earthly father had done. God would not do. He would be my father figure that I had been longing for for my whole life. He would have my back, love me without question, and I would always be enough. I came to not resent my father a few years back when I realized that he was apart of me and who I am, and I like who I am. If I had a different father than I have no idea who I would be, and I like me, so I like all my past, good or bad. But Francis affirmed this decision in me. Because not having an amazing father on earth is what brought me to God so I count it a blessing.

Words are inadequate -Haiti part 1

So as some of you might know I just got back from Haiti, like seriously have not been back for 24 hours. It has been a whirlwind of a trip. Any trip or event that you plan for for a long time usually goes like this. You prepare for so long for maybe a couple week trip, or a week trip, or even a day and then in the blink of an eye it feels like it's over. Then you have this feeling of letdown. This feeling of what's next. Or what am going to do now that I do not have to plan for said trip or event. But with this type of a trip the emotions are a waterfall, they are not just a simple letdown or oh well that was awesome and now it's over, it is almost like a type of loss. So when you have the loss of a loved one, only the people that were close to that person understand. Only them do you think you can talk to, or are even comfortable being around. I feel that way after this trip. I talked with people at church and it was great, not too many asked about the trip actually. But when I got around the people that I went with, I could breath again, because they understand. They were there, I don't have to explain it to them. They just get it. Especially when words are not easy to come by. Because I do not have a lot of words to describe this trip (you're probably thinking, yeah right your using words right now)

A few people that I sat by at church were asked if they wanted to do lunch with some other people that didn't go on the trip, (and this is nothing against those people) but they had to decline the invitation because they can't quite get back into the groove of things yet, they do not quite feel comfortable with people who have not seen what they have seen. And they know that people genuinely want to know about the trip and they in turn want to share, but how do you share when you do not quite even understand it all yet. When you cannot put it into words. When  it is just emotions rushing around in your head and words do not suffice. The truth is, we cannot put it into words. We cannot adequately share the experience yet, maybe not ever. It is truly a God thing. Between us and the Father and words are just words. My advice to anyone who truly wants to know how the trip was is to go on the trip. Because my words will not do it justice. They a pale comparison to the reality that is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti, or Fond Blanc, Haiti. Do the trip and you will see that words do not come so easily.

It is like when you see an amazing scenery and the picture you take cannot quite capture the beauty that is before you, and you wonder how you will ever be able to share it with anyone else.

But every time, without fail, I start down that spiral

Sometimes as I am going through the hustle and bustle of life I completely forget what I am on this earth to do.

This happens often as I work with my network marketing business or even when I teach. I get very bogged down by the details. by the numbers. by my goals. or my challenges. I get immersed in them. Find my worth in them. And then of course when things aren't going well, which inevitably happens every time because it becomes about me instead of about Him, I start to question what I am doing. If I am suppose to be doing it. If I CAN do it. How long can I really do it for.

This happens every time. When pleasing God is my focus and I am simply trying to do what I feel He wants me to do, I have a great perspective, I feel light. I feel at peace even when someone says no and things are looking bleak. I just ask someone else or I have a glimmer of my students learning something and eventually see the fruit. But I fear that I miss seeing the fruit when my perspective is off.

But every time, without fail, I start down that spiral. Where my mood, worth, outlook is wrapped up in how well I am doing according to the world's standards.

This downward spiral does not happen over night. It is a gradual acceptance of lies. It is not spending time with the one who loves me and has my back always. It is when I take a step away and say think God for helping there, but I got it now. This reminds me of the Israelites in the Old Testament. They are so thankful to God when he saves them and they have it together for awhile remembering who they serve and then the cycle happens again, when they forget. They begin to make compromises and allow people to take them down had paths and then they need God to save them again. It is a constant cycle. But I feel like I am in that cycle as well.

But today I opened by Bible app and read John 5 and it just reminded me of what my purpose here on this earth is. We often get sucked into the rat race of life. Getting ahead and getting promotions and having more money. But truly we are here to bring God glory. To point others to him. That is our purpose. It is quite simple when you think about it. We complicate it, by wanting to do everything right. By Overthinking it. So concerned with the future. instead of today.

God does not discuss jobs and vocation very much in the Bible because what you do as a job is not as important as who you are doing it for. I needed to be reminded of this today when I couldn't sleep last night because I didn't feel like I was being as successful as I should be. The list of things to do and people to contact were running through my head. I had to pray and give it to Him (a few times). Because I cannot do anything about it. So why waste my time worrying. I am grateful that I have renewed my perspective. And this won't be the last time I need to be reminded of what my purpose on the earth is, being Him glory today.

Photo Cred: http://www.evangelismcoach.org/2013/devotion-who-can-i-bring-to-jesus/

This life is a journey. A process and I am grateful for that. Because then it's about learning and making better choices, because I mistakes a lot and I need his grace to get me through, otherwise I would have been doomed a long time ago.