I’m a four

Photo cred: Mady Haight 

Continuing the discussion about becoming more self-aware. click here for the first one.

I have been hearing a lot about the Enneagram, a personality test basically. Well actually I have been hearing about it a lot from 1 person in particular, Annie F Downs. Then a few of my friends have gotten into it as well.

There are 9 types.

I have taken the test. But also heard that you should read about them too in order to truly get an idea about your type. Well I am not an expert, but I am reading a lot about it. I listened to Annie interview people associated with all the numbers and felt that I was as a 4. So I read about a 4 in The Road Back to You, and feel as though someone is in my brain. This is what people have said is an indication of finding your number. You feel too seen and it feels weird. These things that we actually try to keep hidden are now out in the open. And that is how it feels while reading the 4. When I listened to all the interviews I definitely could relate to bits from everyone; which they say is true. But there is one number that you feel stronger towards. Reading the 4 was hard,  because it resonated so much it felt intrusive. Almost as if someone was invading my privacy.

Some things that stuck out to me about the 4 were not enjoying unsparingly optimistic people. Feeling strongly almost all the time. Being dictated by my feelings. Melancholy is a dear friend of my mine and it is not a scary place but comfortable. It is easier for me to feel sad than happy.

Sad songs have always been my favorite. I feel as though they emote more than a happy song. Even more I have come to realize that I don’t think happiness is a true emotion. I know it is, but I feel like it will leave, so I don’t allow myself to feel it, or I feel like it’s always tainted. This is something I am working on because it’s not the most healthy. I should be able to indulge in happiness fully submersed in it without the fear of it leaving. I also find that I never want to hear that everything is awesome from someone, I want the Real which I think means the hard, difficult stuff. And for some reason I think authentic means deep and sad, not happy. It seems slightly twisted, but very much the truth. (Don’t get me wrong I am happy from time to time)

I used to always play the victim, which  is a 4 thing when they are unhealthy, I still have to fight that urge. I actually have to ask myself, “Do you think they were trying to hurt you?” Which most often I can answer no.  I used to use this, playing the victim, to manipulate others into giving me attention. I would put myself out during group situations in the hopes of people bringing me in. Which more often than not backfired and I felt horrible about myself afterwards. Very self deprecating. Putting myself down all the time.

I have grown a ton and become healthier. But I do think the Enneagram has helped me to see that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are not unique to me, but others have them too. Which is nice to know I’m not, ya know, just difficult.

The four is known as the Romantic, which is kind of funny because I do not think that I am romantic at all. But then I think about it and I very much desire romantic things. I imagine them happening to me, they do not very often and usually that is because I downplay them and cringe at cheesy things, so of course someone is not going to think that I like sappy, thought out, acts. But I secretly do. I am just afraid to voice it, because I have been let down a lot in my life, so I pretend I do not like them so I do not get letdown, but I do like them. This is also why I do not get super excited about things in my life. I mean do don’t get me wrong, I do get excited, but if I can get hurt it is much harder for me to get my hopes up. The four is also known as the individualist. They value being unique and different. When your focus is to be unique and different all the time you can become pretty self-absorbed. I know we all are at times, but I feel I struggle a lot with selfishness.

I also think that I fantasized or idealized things in my life. So nothing really in life lives up to that and I think it must be wrong, whatever the it is. Job, guy, opportunity. 4's always think something is missing in their life. I think this is my fantasizing. Because it doesn't live up to the fantasy, then it is missing something and must not be right so I need to get out of it. I am really working on not allowing this to ruin good things in my life.

Fours are a bit more creative, and have maybe felt as though they never really fit in or belonged. I have seriously felt this way my entire life, as though I was born at the wrong time or do not quite fit with people. So it was nice, again, to know I am not the only one and not crazy. Which kind of goes against wanting to be original, but ya know I am a conundrum.

If you’d like to learn more, read up on it, or take a quiz to find your type please check out these resources. The enneagram is simply another tool in better understanding who you are, your strengths and vices and how to work through them. I am using this through a Gospel lens, And believe God is using this to help change me for the better!!!

Resources- The Road Back to You- Book

Your Ennegram Coach website

Enneagram Institute.https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Why do I do this?

(Photo cred: Mady Haight)

I remember in university beginning to not like how I reacted or felt in many different situations. This brought on a desire to better understand why I reacted or felt the way I did. The majority of these came from my upbringing, but recently I have found that I was born with some of these natural tendencies as well.

Since then I have desired to be more self-aware. I have had this desire because I want to be better in my relationships. At first it was for me and my own health, which is very true. And if I am healthy then I can also have healthier interactions with others and those interactions do not need to send me down a spiral. Actually if I am healthy mentally, I do not have to give them the power to affect me at all. I began this process by questioning the things I did, why I did them, what I was hoping to gain from them. I questioned the thoughts I had and why I went to that place with that thought instead of another place.

This first came to the surface when I would not give people the benefit of the doubt when they did something wrong. Even deeper than that I would negatively talk to myself about getting my hopes up and thinking this time would be different. I knew when those thoughts came that they were not healthy and I needed to do something about them. I actually started my counseling journey in that moment. Those appointments helped me to better bring my thoughts and actions into the light.

Every time I do not like how I am feeling about something I know that I need to question what I am feeling and why to get to the underlying issue. This is what helps me to better understand it and be able to grow. All of this is done with grace and with the aim of becoming more and more like Jesus. Not simply so that I can be better for this life, and to make my relationships better. It is with the end goal of allowing God to transform me into who I am supposed to me.

If you find yourself not enjoying how you are feeling then start by better understanding who you are and why you do the things you do. Get to the root of the issue. All of the behaviors and the thoughts are symptoms of underlying issues. Get the root and you can start to build a new foundation.

One of my roots was that guys cannot be trusted and I should not expect them to. This stemmed from my past. I had to realize that not every guy is the same and I need to open my heart to trust them, even if they let me down from time to time. Which they will. I find that with Jesus all the time. He loved people unconditionally, he did not care what he received back. I cared too much what I received back, it was always completely selfish.

I want to be better for those around me and I want to be better for me. What about you?

Stay tuned for how I am furthering my journey!!!