I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.
It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.
It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.
But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.
To recognize... me.
I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.
But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.
I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.
I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.
I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.
But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.
I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.
Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.
(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)
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