I want it to be true.

God you are everything that I need. You are my heart's desire. You are the reason I live and breath.

I want these realities to be true in my life. I want you to be the center of it all. I want to have to do your work because I am indebted to you. I cannot not (I know double negative) follow you and make your business my business because of your unrelenting mercy and grace.

But I don't feel like they are true. Or am I just being too hard on myself. Or do I convince myself that I have other things vying for my attention.

It's like John Mark McMillian said on his commentary for his song Heart Runs. He sings these words and he doesn't feel like they are true of him. He wants them to be true, but he is afraid they are not. 

Like deer to the pool

I'm coming after you

Like a thirsty animal

My heart is for your love

Like Jonah from the deep

I'm coming out of my sleep

To find the secrets that you keep

Is the only thing worth rising for

From the dirt you've drawn me out

And you draw me out again

I'm coming back from the dead

I'm coming out of my skin

And you are everything my heart wants

Everything my heart wants

And my heart runs

My heart runs after you

Like breakers on the shore

You're knocking on my door

Like the deepest places in you

Calling to the fountains of my soul

From the dirt you've drawn me out

And you draw me out again

I'm coming back from the dead

I'm coming out of my skin

And you are everything my heart wants

Everything my heart wants

And my heart runs

My heart runs after you

This is exactly how I feel. And maybe my heart is doing and my mind is doubting because maybe I am comparing how this looks in me with how it looks in others. I am not sure if I am doing that, just thinking on paper (not really thinking aloud).  Or as I said before am I just too hard on myself. Or because I want it to be true of me then I must be doing something right.

Or Maybe I am thinking too much. I am just afraid that it is not true and that is not something I want. I am afraid that I have created a God I am comfortable with and that I can handle. and I don't believe, truly believe that He is who He says He is. I am worried that I am crippling my faith and that I am not able to let Him guide my steps because I don't believe He will. It's not so much that I am afraid of what he will ask me to do. There is a part of me, (maybe a small part) that doesn't think he will, that I am so insignificant and wrong that He won't. It's almost like in gym class when they are picking teams and there is 1 person left and that team could have an extra player, or an advantage, but they would rather not have you then have an "advantage". They say, "You can keep score." They seriously think that their team would be stronger without them. I almost feel like I hear God saying, "Why don't you sit this one out." I know this is not reality. But...

These are the thoughts that run through my head. 

Then I am reminded of David. Not seen by any of his brothers to have worth. He was just a shepherd boy. But God had different plans for him. He was to be King. He was to slay a giant with a few rocks. God had big plans for this person that other's had written off. (1 Samuel 16 and 17)

Even thinking about how Jesus came into the world. so unassuming, so meek, so humble. Not even in a real bed/crib/home. Seriously with the animals. That is how our savior came into this world.

God uses the lowly, the week, the down and out. Those people who completely do not believe in themselves, hello Moses. Exodus 3:7-10, he goes on and on about sending someone else. God must have the wrong person. But no God did some amazing things through this person who did not have much belief in themselves. But God believed in them. I have heard before that if you do not have belief in yourself than take some of the belief that others have in you and take it as your own, until your belief in stronger. Believe in yourself because the Spirit is in you not because you can do it, but Spirit is your strength, your words, He is doing it.

Maybe even the fact that I am having these thoughts about Christ not being the center is better than thinking I am right with Him and I couldn't be farther from the truth. Let me never stop. Let me always be wrestling.