A job.

So I have a job. It was definitely coming down to the wire. I am not sure if this was the plan all along or if God was thinking well I better give her something to do. But I am a...drum roll please....a Kindergarten aide. lol It is pretty much full time and I am making just as much as I would be if I was substitute teaching. So all in all not a bad gig.

These kids are great though. I mean they are difficult. There are 16 boys and 4 girls and the boys have a lot of energy. Two of the boys are 4 which means they have a shorter attention span and are a little more immature, which seems weird to say when I am referring to 5 year olds.

They are also very funny. They say some of the funniest things. For example one of my kids talking about a cocoon and saying raccoon, seriously thinking that it was raccoon.

Then one kid was talking about how he had a canker sore on his tongue and all the kids were wondering what he was saying. tingle toes on your tongue. tangled on your tongue. Then one kids finally goes oh cankasaur. He totally thought he got it.

They keep life interesting yes they do!!

irony

So I am almost done with my summer job and I have nothing really lined up yet for after this ends. I am trying to not freak out, but sometimes I realize that I need to be a grown up now, where I pay for my own car insurance, cell phone bill, chiropractor appointment and so on. I am still living a very charmed life. I will be having a rude awakening when I decide to finally cut the umbilical cord, so to speak.

I began reading One Day by David Nicholls and the book picks up when these two main characters graduate from university. Then for years to come they are either gallivanting around the world or working dead end jobs at Loco Caliente, a Mexican restaurant in England (irony). How they both were settling and not living up to their potential. It really made me think about my life and where I want to be in a few years. The sad thing was that I thought I could see myself forgetting about my dreams and settling into anything, that pays. Well I am definitely lining myself up for that outcome. I am so not proactive and I just wait around for things to happen. Life will continue to pass me by if I let it. People who are living their dreams rarely wait for it, they go out and seize it.

Well here is to seizing it, at home, because I am not going anywhere soon...

Hobbies

Also a few things that I have picked up to pass the time, that I am spending alone, ha.

I have learned to knit. I just started yesterday. I am knitting a thick beige circle scarf. I will post pics when I am finished.

I have also bought canvas to continue painting what inspires me. We shall see what comes of that.

I have also desired to start sewing again. I would like to make my own clothes. I have not sewn since my first year of university, but hopefully it will be enjoyable. I have an apron that I am going to begin with. Maybe you will see me on Project Runway some day. Or maybe just Etsy.

I have been someone in the past that will simply give up, or convince myself that I do not like to do it anymore, when the task became a little difficult. That is what I did with Soccer, Softball, Yearbook (in university), the drums, the guitar, the piano. I seem to be a seasonal hobby enthusiast. I only try it for a season.

Hopefully these hobbies stick and I simply try to be myself. Paint what I want to paint, knit what I like to knit, design something that I love. Not to impress anyone else, simply myself.

I want to stay true to myself.

New Social Circle

Sometimes I have this feeling as though I am still in high school, desiring for people to like me and call me and ask me to hang out. I often wonder if I am the only person who thinks that I am easily forgettable. I may be in one of my moods where I am quite melancholy and reminiscent of the past. But I feel as though since I move around a lot, I have a hard time keeping good friendships. And I know that that is partially my fault, but I cannot help but wonder if I have spread myself too thin. I have too many friend groups in too many different locations and I cannot keep up with all of them. And then I get frustrated when I am not thought of or invited out.

I have my high school friends, which are amazing and right now they are the ones that I have close. Then there are my Ecuador friends, who are spread out all of the United States and the ones that I was close with do not even live in the land locked 48. Then there is my Trinity Western friends who all reside on the west coast. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I only had one group of friends. I do realize that my life would not be as bountiful. But I also would not know any better. It is also hard to not have a go to friend that is close. My go to friend moved 16 hours away.

I guess this is the time in my life when I need to do the reaching out. For the majority of my life the social interactions were constructed for me. In high school there was youth group or other groups to join where you met people with similar interests. But you already had the classes and what not where you sat by the same people everyday. You were bound to meet people. Then there was Ecuador where they had a whole week of "get to know you" activities. In university community was stressed to a degree that almost forced you to get to know others. There was ample amounts of socials that created these interactions. And you truly desired to have that. University is simply high school with out the parents. Everyone still wants to fit in and does not want to do anything that will ostracize them too much.

Now I have to create my own social interactions. And I feel as though I was not warned of this. If I lived back at school I would not have to create anything. I would already have a group of friends. And here I do as well, but some of these people I have not had a meaningful conversation with since high school. I am not that person anymore and I am not sure if I know how to interact with them. I guess this is just one more sign that I am a grown up. I have to recreate my friend circle in a sense. I have to learn how to create healthy social interactions. I will let you know how that goes.

Until then.

Children.

So I work with children. Everyday it is different and I love that. I have been working with two year olds all week and they are hilarious. I am all out laughing so much.

This one boy was taking forever to wake up from his nap and so I took him off his cot and set him on the floor. He is just sitting there with his head down. Then I chuck his shoes at him for him to put them on and he goes to the bath room and goes back to sit down. The next thing I know he says to another boy that is putting his shoes on, " You're putting your shoes on the wrong feet, boy." As if he is a hill-billy/ghetto fab little boy. It was not the tone or sentence I would have seen coming from a 2 year old. I was laughing so hard.

One thing that happens when working with kids is trying to get them to eat different foods that they might never normally try. I am not talking about eating some crazy foods, just for example Shepherds Pie, beef and corn and mashed potatoes. My fellow teacher puts a bite on the spoon of a few of the kids because she wants them to try it. One girl, who always has a stank face, tries it and looks like she is seriously about to spit it out. She looks like she is about to vomit. It was so funny, I practically crying from her funny facial expressions. She is also known as their little china girl because they cannot understand what she says a lot of the time. Sometimes I swear she is speaking a different language. the other day I had to get within inches of her mouth so I could even hear what she was saying. I could have swore she was telling me to shut up, but then I realized she just wanted up, on my lap.

Kids for sure make life interesting and funny.

JOB!

So if I complained before about people asking what I was doing in the fall, I am now complaining again and had no idea that it would get worse!

I have been asked a lot at work what I have planned for after the summer and the truth is...nothing as of right now. I have figured out over the past few months that it is really hard for me to prepare for the future when I am doing things right now. I have a job and if I want to continue to be present it is hard for me to look at the future. So I am just now getting ready to apply for teaching positions, I know terrible procrastination.

I am hoping to become a substitute teacher in my district and in a few surrounding districts, but it is quite the process. And a lot of money that I am not sure if I have right now. We shall see.

I have also come the realization that something will work out. I mean I know that I need to put my name out there a bit, but it is hard for me to have motivation. We shall see, but I have a peace that everything will work out. Maybe I am being naive!

Soundtrack for your Life

Music,

It is poetry put a rhythm, with a bit and accompaniment. It is the feeling trying to form itself into words, to convey it to someone else. It is not always perfect, but it can move someone to feel something that they may never have experienced before. Music can also allow you to know that someone else feels the same way you do. That you are not alone this crazy thing called life, that even though it may feel as though you are completely alone, someone has put your emotions to song which can only mean that they have felt that way before. I have never been very talented in this area, and give mad props to those that do it so well.

I have always been drawn to sad songs and I think I have always liked them because there is such true emotion there, that you cannot help but feel it too. I also find that words are so much more poetic (I know this is not true, but I have a bias).

Some of the music that has allowed me to not feel completely alone in some of my insecurities or lonesomeness is the Mumford and Sons. I knew of them before, but was not able to buy the album until now. I have went on walks the past 2 days to think and listen to this album. It has brought me to tears, and also has dried them. Sometimes in the same song. That is one thing that is beautiful with this album, it can create this intense emotion, but then can give you a great hope.

I have also bought recently Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros. It is so hippie and I love the country flair that it brings. It is beautiful.

I have also found someone knew in the last few weeks that I did not know before. Rosie Thomas. She is mellow and raw in her deliverance of poetic lyrics and interesting melodies.

Thank you music for not only putting words to my emotions, but also allowing me to not feel alone in my melancholy state.