I’m a four

Photo cred: Mady Haight 

Continuing the discussion about becoming more self-aware. click here for the first one.

I have been hearing a lot about the Enneagram, a personality test basically. Well actually I have been hearing about it a lot from 1 person in particular, Annie F Downs. Then a few of my friends have gotten into it as well.

There are 9 types.

I have taken the test. But also heard that you should read about them too in order to truly get an idea about your type. Well I am not an expert, but I am reading a lot about it. I listened to Annie interview people associated with all the numbers and felt that I was as a 4. So I read about a 4 in The Road Back to You, and feel as though someone is in my brain. This is what people have said is an indication of finding your number. You feel too seen and it feels weird. These things that we actually try to keep hidden are now out in the open. And that is how it feels while reading the 4. When I listened to all the interviews I definitely could relate to bits from everyone; which they say is true. But there is one number that you feel stronger towards. Reading the 4 was hard,  because it resonated so much it felt intrusive. Almost as if someone was invading my privacy.

Some things that stuck out to me about the 4 were not enjoying unsparingly optimistic people. Feeling strongly almost all the time. Being dictated by my feelings. Melancholy is a dear friend of my mine and it is not a scary place but comfortable. It is easier for me to feel sad than happy.

Sad songs have always been my favorite. I feel as though they emote more than a happy song. Even more I have come to realize that I don’t think happiness is a true emotion. I know it is, but I feel like it will leave, so I don’t allow myself to feel it, or I feel like it’s always tainted. This is something I am working on because it’s not the most healthy. I should be able to indulge in happiness fully submersed in it without the fear of it leaving. I also find that I never want to hear that everything is awesome from someone, I want the Real which I think means the hard, difficult stuff. And for some reason I think authentic means deep and sad, not happy. It seems slightly twisted, but very much the truth. (Don’t get me wrong I am happy from time to time)

I used to always play the victim, which  is a 4 thing when they are unhealthy, I still have to fight that urge. I actually have to ask myself, “Do you think they were trying to hurt you?” Which most often I can answer no.  I used to use this, playing the victim, to manipulate others into giving me attention. I would put myself out during group situations in the hopes of people bringing me in. Which more often than not backfired and I felt horrible about myself afterwards. Very self deprecating. Putting myself down all the time.

I have grown a ton and become healthier. But I do think the Enneagram has helped me to see that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are not unique to me, but others have them too. Which is nice to know I’m not, ya know, just difficult.

The four is known as the Romantic, which is kind of funny because I do not think that I am romantic at all. But then I think about it and I very much desire romantic things. I imagine them happening to me, they do not very often and usually that is because I downplay them and cringe at cheesy things, so of course someone is not going to think that I like sappy, thought out, acts. But I secretly do. I am just afraid to voice it, because I have been let down a lot in my life, so I pretend I do not like them so I do not get letdown, but I do like them. This is also why I do not get super excited about things in my life. I mean do don’t get me wrong, I do get excited, but if I can get hurt it is much harder for me to get my hopes up. The four is also known as the individualist. They value being unique and different. When your focus is to be unique and different all the time you can become pretty self-absorbed. I know we all are at times, but I feel I struggle a lot with selfishness.

I also think that I fantasized or idealized things in my life. So nothing really in life lives up to that and I think it must be wrong, whatever the it is. Job, guy, opportunity. 4's always think something is missing in their life. I think this is my fantasizing. Because it doesn't live up to the fantasy, then it is missing something and must not be right so I need to get out of it. I am really working on not allowing this to ruin good things in my life.

Fours are a bit more creative, and have maybe felt as though they never really fit in or belonged. I have seriously felt this way my entire life, as though I was born at the wrong time or do not quite fit with people. So it was nice, again, to know I am not the only one and not crazy. Which kind of goes against wanting to be original, but ya know I am a conundrum.

If you’d like to learn more, read up on it, or take a quiz to find your type please check out these resources. The enneagram is simply another tool in better understanding who you are, your strengths and vices and how to work through them. I am using this through a Gospel lens, And believe God is using this to help change me for the better!!!

Resources- The Road Back to You- Book

Your Ennegram Coach website

Enneagram Institute.https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Why do I do this?

(Photo cred: Mady Haight)

I remember in university beginning to not like how I reacted or felt in many different situations. This brought on a desire to better understand why I reacted or felt the way I did. The majority of these came from my upbringing, but recently I have found that I was born with some of these natural tendencies as well.

Since then I have desired to be more self-aware. I have had this desire because I want to be better in my relationships. At first it was for me and my own health, which is very true. And if I am healthy then I can also have healthier interactions with others and those interactions do not need to send me down a spiral. Actually if I am healthy mentally, I do not have to give them the power to affect me at all. I began this process by questioning the things I did, why I did them, what I was hoping to gain from them. I questioned the thoughts I had and why I went to that place with that thought instead of another place.

This first came to the surface when I would not give people the benefit of the doubt when they did something wrong. Even deeper than that I would negatively talk to myself about getting my hopes up and thinking this time would be different. I knew when those thoughts came that they were not healthy and I needed to do something about them. I actually started my counseling journey in that moment. Those appointments helped me to better bring my thoughts and actions into the light.

Every time I do not like how I am feeling about something I know that I need to question what I am feeling and why to get to the underlying issue. This is what helps me to better understand it and be able to grow. All of this is done with grace and with the aim of becoming more and more like Jesus. Not simply so that I can be better for this life, and to make my relationships better. It is with the end goal of allowing God to transform me into who I am supposed to me.

If you find yourself not enjoying how you are feeling then start by better understanding who you are and why you do the things you do. Get to the root of the issue. All of the behaviors and the thoughts are symptoms of underlying issues. Get the root and you can start to build a new foundation.

One of my roots was that guys cannot be trusted and I should not expect them to. This stemmed from my past. I had to realize that not every guy is the same and I need to open my heart to trust them, even if they let me down from time to time. Which they will. I find that with Jesus all the time. He loved people unconditionally, he did not care what he received back. I cared too much what I received back, it was always completely selfish.

I want to be better for those around me and I want to be better for me. What about you?

Stay tuned for how I am furthering my journey!!!

Things I am loving

So I thought it was time to let all of you in on a few of the things that I am loving at the moment. Some are products. Some are books or music or what not. Nothing is really off limits. Today is Cosmetics, Clothing, and Podcasts.

Cosmetics

The first thing that I am loving is the ELF HD powder. I have simply been using my concealer under my eyes and nothing else over top. I heard that was a no-no. I heard from a few different people that you must set your concealer. They used expensive, or more expensive than I would care to buy, powder. But one of them said that the e.l.f. brand from Target (and now everywhere) has a finishing/setting powder. I already had a setting powder, but it has a shimmer to it and I do not want shimmer on my face. The e.l.f. brand does not have a shimmer.

Laura Mercier (a little more expensive)             e.l.f brand                                


Elf also has a specific under eye setting powder too.



Also I use The Body Shop eyebrow powder and it is only $12.95 right now! I do not use the little brush that comes with it I use my own. But the brown and black together is a perfect match for my dark eyebrows.

One last thing that I am doing right now with my make up that is helping open my eyes and keep my eyelashes curled all day is heating my eyelash curler before using it on my lashes. Some of you may already be doing this and I am just late to the party. I have a problem with my lashes not staying curled all day, they end up going straight out instead of up. I am too poor to get a lash lift, which keeps them curled for up to 6 weeks, so I have decided to use my hair dryer. I heat the curler for 5 seconds and do it twice each eye and then two coats of mascara waiting a few minutes between coats. It has kept my lashes curled which makes my eyes more open and I look more awake! It is a win, win, win!


The next thing I am loving is the Fab Fit Fun box!!!!

I always saw people posting about it and thought that looks fun but not practical. Boy was I wrong. I have gotten it for two months now and it is like Christmas. I do not buy a lot of stuff for myself right now, I am trying to be on a pretty strict budget, so this is my own area to splurge. It comes seasonally, so  times a year. It is $50, but you can get a code from so many places to get $10 off your first box. Here is my code for $10 off your first box!.  You get full size products, worth up to $200.

Clothing

Swing dresses.

They are super comfortable and flattering. They flow and do not cling which is nice for people that are not stick thin. I buy the majority of mine from the the Loft. Click here to find some.

I also where compression shorts under them and found these  high waisted ones from American Eagle.  find them here!

Podcasts

If you want a podcast where someone is Christian, interviewing Christians about how they live their lives for Christ, the That Sounds Fun Podcast is for you. It is by Annie F. Downs and she has guests that range from Ben Rector to Trey Kennedy and many in between. I have actually heard myself say before, "I cannot find another podcast quite like hers." 

If you would like a podcast that is somewhat ridiculous but you love pop culture, listen to the Popcast Jamie Golden and Knox McCoy are gold (ha) in this podcast. They absolutely crack me up while they discuss popular culture. 

If you want real people to talk about Bible stories please listen to the Bible Binge. Jamie Golden and Knox McCoy started this podcast as well and they are super down to earth while they dive into Bible stories and their characters. It is seriously a breath of fresh air and extremely relateable. (my computer is telling me that relateable is not a word and wants me to hyphenate it, but I do not want to.)

I listen to these with Spotify, so the links to these will send you to Spotify! 

No Matter What

During my recent trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina accompanied by a group of high schoolers and a hand full of leaders, we went through the story of Abraham for our daily devotions.

The reason we chose Abraham's story is because our them was Riding the Wave for the week and we thought that Abraham did a good job of riding the wave that was put in front of him. Yes he made mistakes but he came back to God each time, God was faithful throughout, and in turn Abraham became more and more faithful to God.

The climax of Abraham's story, or the part of his story that people know the most, is when God asks him to sacrifice his one and only son Issac. This seems super odd to us. But Abraham was trusting God. He knew God's character so well that he knew it would all work. He saw God be faithful throughout his entire life, so why would God stop being faithful now.

The question from our devotion that day that still nags at me is this

Would you follow God no matter what?


I thought about that. That Isaac was Abraham's no matter what. And God asked Abraham to trust him with Isaac. To trust him with his no matter what.

 My follow-up question is what nags me. My follow-up question is this.

What is my no matter what?

 It's easy to say that yes I would follow God no matter what. But when push comes to shove what is that one part that I don't know if I can follow Him in, trust Him with it.

 It's easy to say that yes I trust God but when that one thing comes my way will I be able to trust him?

And I believe that our no matter what's change. And that we may not know what they are until they come our way.

There is a part of me that thinks I am very much living through my NO MATTER WHAT right now.

I do not have financial security, job security, I am far from stability in many areas in my life. The unknown has always scared me, kept me up at night, caused stress and anxiety. And my future is so unknown right now that I should be curled up in a ball. But I am not. I am choosing to trust even though everything is screaming at me to create my own future.  Everything is telling me to take control. To plan.

But then there is this whisper, wait, this whisper that sends peace throughout my entire body, and mind. It puts a smile on my face and reassures every inch of me that I am on the right path. That trusting him with everything is better than anything I could plan, plot,  or create. This is a better way of life. I am not stressing or worried, because He is going to create it for me. I merely have to walk it.

When I plan my own way, it is riddled with stress and anxiety because I am planning it myself. It is up to me, I created it, and I can make it fail.  Yes God is still in it, but I think it is up to me to make it succeed. But if God creates it, I know it will not fail. Yes I may step out of line, or I may make mistakes, but His plan will still prevail and will not fail. His plan will succeed even in spite of us.

How cool is that?!

So what is your NO MATTER WHAT? What part of your life are you still clinging to? What keeps you up at night? Because I think He may be asking that of you, to lay it at his feet and trust Him with every aspect of your life. He does not just want a part of you, as said in Revelation. He wants all of you. He tells you in Matthew to deny yourself take up your cross and follow him. In John He must become greater I must become less.

What is it for you? Are you going to continue to cling to it, to plan it out yourself, to create your own future, safe haven whatever it might be. Or are you going to stop living a life of stress and anxiety, thrown by the waves of life, as described in Ephesians. Or are you going to Ride the Wave. Which is a much more enjoyable way to live life don't ya think. With Him leading it, (giving you the waves and you on top of the wave, almost as if Jesus were your board. Navigating the wave.) Because there is only one way to live life and live it to the fullest, and that is with Jesus.

So what is your No Matter what? And what are you going to do about it. Hold it or lay it down.

Ride the wave or let the waves continually hit you and knock you over. It is up to you, always has been and always will be!

I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

Oh Moses

So I have always been pretty hard on Moses.

When God first calls him to lead the Israelites and calls him to talk to Pharaoh, Moses makes excuses. He comes up with so many and God dismisses every one of them with truth. The truth that if you have God you cannot fail.

I always was annoyed with Moses in this moment. I always felt like he was a coward and so insecure.  I mean come on, God is talking directly to you and you are going to be scared of doing what he asks. Come on Moses.

Right now I have a new appreciation for Moses and his struggles. I may make this be a bigger deal than it is, which Moses probably did too. God is asking me to speak. To speak to people about Him. But I doubt my ability to speak. I doubt my voice. My unique voice.

God, like He did with Moses (maybe not to such a great degree but it is all for the kingdom), is calling me to speak this summer. To use the unique voice that He gave me to share His words this summer. And I doubt it. I question if I am capable. I sound like Moses when I say seriously God who am I, that I should do this. (Exodus 3:11). And God says to Moses (and me), "I will be with you."  (Exodus 3:12) That is basically all He says to Moses. I am with you. Because truly that is enough.

I do not feel qualified to be doing what I am doing this summer. Leading these people, speaking to these people, and maybe really I am not qualified. But God says, "I am with you." And that is enough and should be enough.

I have not officially left yet for Haiti, still in training. And feeling as though I may be failing in some areas, but as I have been saying I feel like we are our own worst critic. But even if I fail, even if I completely botch something, He still is there. He still is with me. He still loves me and did not abandon me.

This scripture came up in my Jesus Calling today.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"I am with you."
It has to be enough.

I am not ready!

So tomorrow is the day.

Well actually next Saturday is the big day. But tomorrow is the day I officially say good-bye. So tomorrow is the day.

I have moments when I am doing really good. When I know that God has it all. That he will take care of everything here and there. When I am completely at peace about everything.

Then there are moments when the emotions overtake me. When I cannot seem to think about leaving these people. When I already feel the weight of missing them and I cannot anymore. I can't seem to think of those moments when God has it all. When I am completely content with what God has for me. The emotions become too heavy.

My emotions are all over the place and this will not change when I arrive in Haiti. I know that I will have crazy emotions a lot of the time. But I do hope that I can abide in Him to help me sort them out.

I am super excited for this opportunity. It is going to stretch and grow me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. But I know that those times, when you are being stretched are not necessarily those moments that while you are in them seem fantastic. I know that I am going to have some great moments. Seriously great moments. But I also know that I will have moments when life becomes too much. Living can become too much. And I want to curl up in a ball and just not live for a little bit. To not do life for a minute. I know I will have times when circumstances and what is right in front of me becomes everything. And I lose perspective. I have stopped looking to Him and I started to look around me. When I am not longer dwelling on things above, but on things on this earth. When I stopped fixing my eyes on the unseen instead of the seen. (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Colossians 3:2).

Many people have asked if I am ready for this adventure. And every single time I respond with, "As ready as I will ever be." But truly do you ever feel ready. When you take a leap of faith, do you ever feel ready? And if you feel ready does that mean you are relying too much on your own understanding and knowledge and less on trusting God and having faith that He will meet you and guide you and fill in the gaps?

I am not ready. I am not ready to lead, I am not ready to teach. I am not ready to live so far out of my comfort zone, for a longer period of time than I probably every have. But to me that just means that I will be relying on Him for absolutely everything. He will be what gets me through this summer. I will not be able to take credit for any of it. I do think that I have the best mindset than I ever have before a missions trip. I know I am not capable of this, before when I was preparing for these trips I knew that I could do what was required of us. (not to be prideful, I just knew that I wouldn't be asked to do things that were too difficult for me) and the difficult parts of the trip where emotional. This time I am asked to do things that frankly scare me. Scare might not be the right word, but I truly do not feel qualified. But as He said to Moses, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) Or when I am wondering what to say, when I am struggling with what to teach, just as he said to Moses "who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exodus 4:11-12). These truths will be with me.

A song that came up recently a Spotify playlist I found Top Christian Tracks, if you want to find it yourself, Thy will. Here are the lyrics that I love.

“I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here / I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart is a part of your plan / When I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt and these four words.”
Chrous:
“Thy will be done (x3).”
“I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about / It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises / Sometimes I gotta stop / Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So …”
“Thy will be done (X3) / Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is / Thy will be done (X2) / Thy will.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord.”


Read More: Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, Thy Will [Listen]

Even though I might not understand what is going on. I truly do want whatever He wants. I know His plan is perfect and I want His plan. Truly Thy Will Be Done!

I also read something that someone sent me on Instagram today. It very much goes along with what I have been experiencing in my life recently and has also been a common theme in my thought process for the last year or two. This idea that God does not give us the entire plan. He doesn't even give us 2 steps in advance. He gives us just what we need.

lysaterkeurst 
God is teaching me so much about really trusting Him. Fully. Completely.
Without suggestions or projections I just need to embrace the very next thing He shows me. And then the next.
Though the long path is uncertain, He's so faithful to shed just enough light to see the very next step.
This isn't Him being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of His mercy.

Too much revelation and we'd pridefully run ahead of Him. Too little and we'd be paralyzed with fear.
So I'm seeking slivers of His light just for today and filling the gaps of the unknown with trust.



I needed this so much, she put it into words that I have failed to be able to do. Haiti is my next step. Even within Haiti I know I will have many other steps. But God will give me just enough light to view those next steps. Trust is what God asks of us and that is what I am going to do this summer. When things do not make sense, which they do not the majority of the time with God, I will trust. When I feel as though I am in over my head, I will trust. When things are not going as I had planned, I will trust. When my emotions are overtaking me, I will trust. When things are too hard, I will trust.

I will trust in Him.

You're doing what?

So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.


What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.


The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?

I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that?  Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?

We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient.  But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.

In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.

So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.

So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer  I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!

Just wait for those opportunities to come a knockin'

I was told a few months back that when you take a step toward Christ, take a leap of faith in obedience to what He has called you to do, just wait for the doors to open. The opportunities to come knocking. I did not fully understand what he meant when he said that but now I am beginning to see it unfold.

Six months ago I applied for an internship position in Haiti that most of you know about. I did this because I felt a nudging to do so even though it was completely out of my comfort zone. I guess I shouldn't say completely but aspects of it, large aspects of it, are out of my comfort zone. But I finally surrendered to His will and applied. Then I got accepted and then came the above conversation. At the time when this conversation was happening I did not know what he was talking about. What doors would open, what opportunities, because to be honest I have now lived in this town for a few years and not much has changed. Not many opportunities have come a knockin.

Well as they say hindsight is 20/20. Because over the past 6 months opportunities have come a knockin. But not in the way that I would have thought. I feel as though we invision the doors to be these huge endeavors, these opportunities that are out of this world. And not to say they they may not be, but I think we miss the little things that God is doing, the smaller doors that He is opening for us. God is doing things around us and in us everyday, we just do not take time to notice it. And these doors are nothing miraculous but they are opportunities I do not think I would have had if I had not taken that first leap.

I had already been working with the high school ministry at my church, but I began working with the college age as well starting in January. One of my fellow leaders encouraged, our forced whichever way you want to look at it, me to teach some of our get togethers. Now I had not ever done something like this before, but as he said, "You will be doing this in Haiti." I decided to take a leap of faith and do it. So I have now taught three times there and each time it gets a little easier. Each time I learn something new about sharing with a group of people. I learn that success is not gauged by what I can necessarily see, what change I see in them, but by listening to the Spirit and being obedient to what He has laid on my heart to say. I have also learned that you do not need to know everything or have taken a lot of classes on the Bible in order to teach something that God has taught you. This has taken some of the pressure off. Not that I take this lightly at all, but I also feel like I can put too much pressure on making it sound good, or right, or being truth. I just need to listen to the Spirit and follow what I feel He is requiring of me. That has been awesome to watch unfold, seeing maybe a skill I necessarily did not know I had. I know I went to school to teach, and I love teaching, but I guess I always thought teaching God's word was too lofty for me to attain. And maybe on my own it was. But I have to understand that if God desires it for me, then He will make me able because He is never wrong and truly He doesn't fail.

For my Haiti trip I have to teach a few 5 minute lessons in front of a crowd and video tape them. (Ugh not my favorite thing in the world, I have actually not even watched them.) I did one in February and because of that I was asked to do a lesson on our youth's spring break trip to Myrtle Beach. Now this trip I went on all four years of high school and it impacted my life greatly, so I was very excited to go, but also very nervous to have the same impact that the leaders did when I went. I quickly dismissed some of those pressures because I know it will be different. But this was still a huge step of faith. It was not leading small group discussions, as my college group lessons had been. It was going to be me, just me, speaking what I felt God had laid on my heart to say. One of the first daunting tasks was simply writing the lesson. Where do I start, what do I say? But I found that things start to just flow. Read and read and read some more and then listen. And see what He says. It was kind of crazy how easy thoughts came together and how even after I had created my outline I went over a few more times and He made things clear to me, things to focus on and things to narrow in on. Even my application point, had not been developed until the night before, seriously while I could not sleep at midnight or one in the morning it started to take shape. But I did not worry or stress about it, because I have come to realize that all things are made known in their own time. Ecclesiastes 3.

I am very excited to see what other doors may open and what other talents/abilities God is going to develop in me. I am by no means puffing myself up, I am simply making myself available to whatever He would have me do/be. I am a small part in His grand plan and am thankful to play whatever part He has for me.

A beautiful mess-living life with people

Yesterday was rough.

It started rough and ended pretty rough.

There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.

But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.

It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.

Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.

You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.

Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.

I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.

I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.

One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.

I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.

So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.

I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.

It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.

 It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.

But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.

To recognize... me.

I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.

But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.

I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.

I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.

I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.

But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.

I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.

Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.

(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)

It's like a gentle slap in the face.

SO I feel like every time I have opened up my Bible or devotional book this week. God has been gently slapping me across the face. Not really because He is so much gentler than that. But He has been a working.

Here is the first occurrence
So we always say that God works in crazy ways. And He so does. I was going through my bank account last night, paying bills and what not. I should have done this a week ago, when I got paid, but I slacked and then money goes and I wonder how I am going to pay everything this month. Lesson learned.

But last night I started to stress over my money. My credit card has a lot of money on it, and I have no idea how it got up that high, and does not seem to go down, because I never use it anymore. But that is a constant battle. I found myself feeling crippled again under all of my debt. And I do not just have credit card, I also have student loan debt.

I dwelled on it for a little bit last night, not majorly like I have done in the past. But I did start to worry a bit. Just thinking that I feel as though I am never going to be debt free. Or the debt just seems to never be going down, even though I pay so much on it. Whatever the thoughts could be  they were.

I was able to sleep just fine last night. Which shows that it didn't completely rock me. I had a little trouble because of a mental to do list and I finally had to write it down and then I was good to go.

Today when I woke up to do my devotional, I was getting ready for my youth Sunday School class this morning, The entire thing was about wealth. And that if you value wealth you cannot also value God. It came from James and various other places in the Bible. But it hit me like a brick. I do not need a lot of money. Because even last night I was thinking of ways that I need to make more money. I do have an awesome company that I work for and I could put more effort into that so then I could earn more money. But this morning I felt as though God was reminding me that more money does not change bad spending habits. If you want to read about that one, click on the previous text. God was also reminding me that we are not called to be wealthy, if that happens then awesome, but that shouldn't be my goal in life. To fill it with things and money. It should be to dwell in the Lord. Jer. 9:22-23

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, ²⁴ but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Psalm 37:4 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Our focus needs to be on God. ALL THE TIME. For moments last night, it was on money. And money is a real issue. We are so blessed in this country. Now with that does come more responsibility. Like bills and other payments. So you for sure do not feel like we are very rich people in the world. But the truth is we are. 

(random side note, I hope that no English majors read this and dissect my horrid grammar skills.) 

Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Money, with me, may always be tight, because for one, I do not always care to put in that crazy work ethic. But God will bless whatever I do if I am abiding in Him and trusting Him and Delighting in Him. 

My next two have been while doing my Gideon study. I have been feeling frustrated while working with the youth. I love them, they are quirky and have not been horribly tainted by the world yet, but I see the world slowly seeping in. What has been hard is seeing them turn their backs on God all the time. They give Him their seconds, oh let's be honest it's their tenths. And they care more about their friend's perception of them than God's.

I have been reminded lately that I was just like that, and at times I am like that, I would fit God into my plans, and I would act one way at church or youth group and then a completely different way at school or with my friends. And God was so patient. He was so loving. He gentling pursued me. And I realized that I need to be that way with these kids too. Gentle and patient. And while reading Gideon God is so patient with Him. Gideon asks for so many signs to confirm what He already knows God has asked him to do. He never got frustrated with Gideon, He never got angry, He patiently and gently gave him signs. He knew Gideon was afraid. God even initiates one of the tasks that can help with Gideon's confidence.If God, who has every reason to be frustrated with how we act, can be so abundantly patient, how much more patient with people should we be.

The next way that God has been talking to me is through my lack of faith in when He has called me to do something. Right now it is in going to Haiti. I know that I am meant to be there, but that does not make getting up in front of 30 people every night easier. It doesn't minimize the crazy responsibility that comes along with leading a team. I have been lacking confidence in myself, which in turn is me lacking confidence in God.

Gideon had these same thoughts. That is why he asked for confirmation. I do hope that one day I have a faith that does not require confirmation. But right now I am not there yet. I tend to need to talk things over with people, after I feel God nudging me in a particular direction. This is not always bad, but we should trust the Spirit and have faith and walk in that when we do what we are being asked to do.

Priscilla, the writer of the study, makes a clear distinction between two different types of confirmation. Either you are asking for caution, or because of doubt and unbelief. What is important here is the heart behind it all. One is asking for clarity from a true sense of faith, our faith needs only to be strengthened, the other is asking from a place of ignoring what has already been said and not desiring to move in faith. Mine is a lack of faith, it needs only to be strengthened.

I also realized that many people in the Bible did not feel qualified for what He was calling them to do. That is where God can come in and show His power. If you  think you are qualified then God will be getting you the victory, but you will think you did it all.

Right now I am lacking confidence in my ability. But I do know in the core of who I am that God is bigger than it all. And He hasn't failed and He won't start now.

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He has got my back and wants what is best for me.

These are truths that I say to myself when doubt or insecurity start to creep in, which they do, often.

You cannot go wrong doing what God asks of you

Two in one week, count yourselves lucky. Just kidding

So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.

After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.

What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.

Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do.  I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.

Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.

In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.

I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.

I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.

I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.

If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.