How do we stop the cycle!

Today we are getting new furniture. Getting new furniture is like getting a new car. The excitement level is pretty high because you don't get new furniture or a new care very often. It is not everyday that you go out and pick out a new car or furniture. And I began to wonder at what point do we stop calling it new furniture. When do we stop saying, "Oh this is my new furniture, want to see a picture." At the first stain? The first get together. When it is first sat on? It makes me a little sad to think that I bet it comes about sooner than we expect it to.


I fear that this is the same high or extreme emotions we experience after a close encounter with God. They seem to be rare  in our lives, we take trips, go to conferences, attend a concert and we get a glimpse of Him. We saw a bit of Him that we either never have before or haven't in a long time. When you first get home you are so excited or filled with emotion you think it never could be taken away or diminished. You wonder how you ever got to the emotionless place you were in before this event. Because you have tasted and seen that He is good and you seriously wonder how you ever allowed for it to become normal, not extraordinary. but then it happens. It is slow, but that's why you don't even notice it. But you make little choices each day that ultimately returns you back to that emotionless state you were in before. It is like a never ending cycle and you get more and more frustrated each time the cycle happens. Because it happens every time.

But there are things you could be doing to steer clear of the downward slope in the cycle, or to not allow the crazy dips in emotion. I believe that you will still have the high and the renew of love for your Savior whenever you have an intense experience, but I want that feeling to deepen each time, not have to be restored each time.

Here are a few tips that I came up with to help you steer yourself on the path that has been created from those experiences.

Numero 1.  Continue to spend time with Him

This can look different for everyone. I feel as though I have always seen it as sitting still, before Him, with your Bible open and a concentrated look on your face. And that it was always spent in the morning, for about a half an hour.

Yes it can look like that, but it does not always have to look like that. It is not a box that you check off. (sometimes it may be because of routine, but to be good at anything you need to practice it, this can be the same way)

Take time to sit quietly with Him. Practicing silencing your mind, and truly thinking about Him or just listening to what He might have for you. Maybe it is just listening to His creation give Him praise (Romans 8:19-22, speaks to this, and there are others in the scripture that talks about Creation crying out for God). Luke 19:40, if we are silent, the rocks will cry out. His creation all living things, everything He created praises Him.

It could be going for a walk or a run, and worshiping him through music in your ears. Or listening to a sermon or a video that stretches your understanding of Him.

I want you to understand that there is not a chapter in the Bible that says spending time with me looks like this. It is listening to the Holy Spirit and what the Spirit is saying you need to do today. Maybe you need to be challenged in sitting silently, do it, and practice it. Don't just do what is comfortable. (I maybe be saying you a lot, but I am saying this to myself too, I had an intense encounter with God an I do not want to fall back into my old ways)

If you want to be stretched in some of the ways you worship, or spend time with Him check out this book Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth I first read it in Bible College and it was a struggle, in a good way, because not all the disciplines are comfortable. They aren't meant to be, enjoy it.

Numero 2- Post Reminders

We are a forgetful people. I do not think that we want to forget the love we have for God. I do not believe that we want to continue in this cycle of emotionlessness and extreme highs. But we become forgetful. We need another reminder.

In Deuteronomy 6:5 God is saying that Israel needs to love their God with all their heart, soul, and strength. Then in 6-8 He goes into how it should be upon your hearts. Youneed to be impressing it on your children (passed down). Talked about everywhere at all times. Before you sleep and when you ride.Then He says they need to be tied as symbols to your hands, on your foreheads, on your doorframes and your gates. Put them everywhere, so you will not forget.

Once those reminders do not have the desired effect, change them. Put new ones up, keep yourself from falling back down that cycle.

Numero 3- Limit your screen time. 

This one might seem obvious, but with the world at our fingers tips it is so easy to just pick up the phone and start scrolling through Instagram (my favorite) or through Facebook. And then when you are 5 people deep in creeping (oh is that just me) you realize that you just spent a half an hour doing ultimately nothing. Now I am not saying get rid of the screens or the social media, because I do believe that they can be great tools. but they end up being procrastination tools rather than connection tools. I would challenge you to maybe start with a day without going on any social media, playing games, or watching TV and see what happens. I took a whole 30 days once and was amazed. I got so much reading and organizing done. I was also amazed to find that I didn't miss it that much. I was present when with friends and not on my phone. (that is so what we do too, when their is an awkward lull in group situations, instead of embracing it, or trying to fill it, we get out our phones)

Now I am not saying that you need to get rid of all of it, or maybe you do need to for a period of time. But maybe create a time frame each day, an hour or two. That is spent on your phone. And then just keep track. Ok I just spend 20 minutes on Facebook, subtract that from your time limit and that is what you have left.

I also think that sometimes when we are on social media we begin to see others' lives (or what they want us to see) and we begin to compare our lives to theirs and we start to see ourselves as less because we are not doing x, y, and z. Oh they went on another great vacation, or they bought a new house, or they just seem to always be having so much fun. (a little side note). So then we think we are not living and our lives are insignificant. But truly we only put on social media what we want others to see and usually that is the fun, and the exciting. Not the mundane and boring.

Numero 4-Do things that truly require faith

I was asked by someone recently, because they were asked in a devotional, what are you doing right now that truly requires faith? What are you doing that you cannot do on your own? What are you stepping out in that completely scares you and is way out of your comfort zone? It can be something small or something big. It does not matter It is the same in that it requires faith in God, it requires you not knowing how it is going to turn out.

Everyday the Spirit is leading us into encounters that require faith. Will you follow or will you stay put?

This could be asking someone for coffee, joining a group or club, sharing about yourself, listening to that small voice in your head and doing it. It could be picking up a new hobby or skill. It could be as simple as saying hi to someone. Asking someone, and truly caring, how they are doing? Holding a door for someone, giving someone a hug. You know when you have a feeling like you should do something, and either you let it pass or you seize it. That is requiring faith. You are trusting that you are meant to do it and that God has a plan. It could be something so simple, but to that other person it is everything.

For example I was recently on a trip, you are probably thinking what you were on a trip, Just Kidding. Anyways I was going through some of my old insecurities, well I guess they were not very old. They were very real in this moment. My insecurities of not being thought of, being left out or behind. Even at my age (I know I am not that old) these things will still come up and still affect me greatly, they bring me back to when I was a teenager and who wants to go back there am I right. I had a good cry, which is always a good thing, I cried out to God in frustration because these insecurities are so selfish and I thought I was over them. I spent some time with Him and my mom (the one person I do not have to fake it with) (Not saying I fake it often, but in this moment when I have to be in a group I did not want to be crying because I was left out) I was just silently praying for a good period of time just asking God to help me, comfort me, speak truth to me. Then someone brought a chair over to me (I was standing at this point). And I almost felt like God was saying, "Hey, you are thought of, you are not alone, but people will not think of you all the time, they are flawed. But I am not, I am always thinking of you, I will never leave you." Ya see that simple act of bringing me a chair, so insignificant to that person, but to me in that moment it was everything, it rocked me and God touched me through his people. If that person had not given me that chair, had decided to ignore that voice, I would have been comforted by God, but not in the moment. Not creating these thoughts that I can share with you now.

You might not think that those things require faith or trust, they are so simple. But you are trusting that God has a plan for that act. (Not that you are thinking, "If I am going out of my way there better be a reason." But you are just trusting that God has a reason for this urging inside of you.

There are many verses about having faith in God. We really need to work on our trust. the more time you spend and the more you listen to that voice. The more trust and faith will come naturally. Because you will notice His plan is always perfect.

Habakkuk 2:4
2 Chronicles 20:20


Numero 5- Surround yourself with people that will challenge and push you

If you return home and go right back into all of the habits and patterns of life that you had before things will not change. Life will go right back to what it is was like before you left. But if you come back and think about how you spend your time, and who you spend it with and decide to change some of those things then life will be different. We have talked about how you spend your time, Here is another great post about redirecting your life.

But for this step you need to think about those people that essentially have what you have in a spiritual way. They push you, they challenge you. They make you want to be better just by hanging out with them. They have integrity, humility, a passion for God, all things that you would want to be true of you as well. The people you surround yourself with will rub off on you. So who do you want rubbing off on you, people that spur you towards Christ or people who pull you away from Christ.

Now I am not saying that these are the only people you hang around with. Because we are meant to be in this world, and witnessing to it. But you need to be around people that bring you closer to Him as well.

Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

My prayer for you is that your hope and trust will grow in the Lord and you will not doubt or fall back into your old patterns of life. Do not focus so much on not falling back into those patterns, but focus on staying with your new patterns.

Stop doubting, He has shown He is faithful.

Do not doubt.

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

Truly believing that something is right or that something will happen is a beautiful thing. I think when we doubt we hesitate to believe that God is who He says He is. Or we doubt ourselves even more, but then we are uncertain that God will do what He says He will do. Doubt is almost like the lukewarm, it is not fully believing, and it is not completely in disbelief. This is where faith and trust comes in.

(but take heart, in Jude 1:22 it is stated "have mercy on those who doubt."

God has gotten us this far, He knows what we need, so why do we doubt that He will guide us, why do we doubt that He has our backs. Why do we doubt His presence in us. Why do we think that well last time was easier, and this time, this is a big thing, I am not quite sure He can do it. Seriously why do we do this every time something scary happens. It is like we completely forget everything that he has done for us. What He has done throughout history. 

I just moved in an area that was extremely scary for me. I wasn't even going to do it. I half way did it and thought okay that was safe. It still took everything in me to press publish. Then I immediately went for a walk I had to process and be with God. It was too much, but probably just enough for Him. Because today I was pushed to completely do it.  To share it with the everyone. Then decided to just do it. So with my heart racing and tears brimming. I pressed post and I am not kidding that took it all. It was in his hands and I just hoped it would be for his glory and not for mine. It is all for His glory. A few girls messaged me while I was out, after I posted it and they affirmed my feelings. They were glad to not feel alone. I was commended on my vulnerability and sometimes I think it is stupidity, (not really) but some say you should not be so open. But I do not believe that. If you do not share your struggles or issues or sufferings I think we begin to feel shameful over those things. The devil uses our minds to tell us that it is wrong, that no one else will understand, that we are alone. But we are not alone. No issue or struggle is new. We all have them and for many of us they are the same. Get past yourself and share it. Be brave and do not doubt. God will use it.
Check out this article
God brings us suffering for others sake

All the words that I have, all the thoughts that I have, all the epiphanies that I have, anything that I share, it came from Him first. None of it is original. Nothing is new under the sun. I learned that in Ecclesiastes. Any issue or struggle that you go through is not new. Humans have been struggling with it for centuries, I hope that is encouraging, because it was for me. God got those people through those sufferings, He will get you through yours too. 

James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

More scripture on doubting-
Matthew 21:21
Proverbs 3:5-8
John 20:27
Matthew 14:28-31
There are many more.

Trust and have faith. That is my challenge for myself as well as for you. 

It is quite simple, we complicate it.

I have been living my life hoping for God to speak. Hoping to hear his audible voice telling me what to do. Well let me tell you that has not happened. But I have had many instances where I hear his words in my mind or in my gut. I have been very focused on the future. What to do, where to go, who to be. Hoping that God would just throw me a bone and make my life easy and tell me what to do.

I was bombarded this past week that the end is not as important as the journey it takes to get there. Calm down and enjoy the journey. How many times when traveling on a vacation we want to rush the process so that we can just get there. And then we have some great stories about the journey that it took just to get there. Let us not be so focused on the end of the journey, but on the journey itself. That is where the learning and the molding of oneself is happening. Enjoy it, take a look around and remember it, savor it, because you will not be here again.

Another aspect that has been coming into my mind is when people asked Jesus how to live, or what is the greatest commandment (obiv they were trying to trip him up, but seriously I think apart of them maybe was curious) He talks about loving God. With all of you. In Deuteronomy 6:5 "Hear O Israel, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (you're probably thinking umm that is the Old Testament Erica and Jesus preached in the New Testament, you are indeed correct, but He was referencing this verse)

This is not a partial love. This requires all of you, physically, spiritually, mentally. Every aspect of you should be striving to love Him. Get to know Him and better understand  Him.  When you delve more into Him everything else seems to be less important. I think we truly complicate things and what God is asking from us is actually quite simple. Just love Him and love others. We get very bogged down by how that looks in the real life, but just start somewhere. You are not going to fail if you are striving for Him. Read Romans 8. Seriously so good, if we have God on our side what do we have to be fearful of. The the more we crash into God, the less everything else matters. We want Him to show us so much, reveal so much to us, but I think we forget the point. We are merely suppose to love Him with all our hearts, souls and mind and strength. The rest will fall together. We want and maybe even need God to show us. But that's not the point. It is to just love Him. That is it. Simple. 

What might this look like to do that. Well what do you do with things you "love." You tell people about it, you find out more about it. you spend with with it or doing it, you cannot get enough of it. All the time you have just doesn't seem like enough. You are intoxicated by it. That is what you do with people or things you love, it is the same for the God you profess to love. 

This is my goal everyday. To get to know Him more, to fall more in love with Him than I already am. I do not deserve the love that He gives but I will soak it up. Because without Him I am nothing.  

I am not a boy crazy girl... But...

I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.

I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.

I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)

Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.

Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.

I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.

I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.

"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.

(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)

Reality vs. My Ideas-Haiti part 3

So I grew up in youth group. We did so many different object lessons, or burning of different things, or sharing of different things, nailing different things. All these things were meant to be an act of removing something from your life that is hindering you from a closer walk with Christ. They were always powerful and always had an impact on me. I guess in some ways I am a visual, tactile learner.  So whenever I saw the cross up front or the burn barrel or whatever up there I would get a little excited. But at the same time. When I walked in and saw that I knew that it was about to get real in this room. We were about to, if you allowed yourself, do some soul searching and ask/answer some tough questions. These questions are the questions that most of avoid. We do not want to go into the deep caverns of our heart because we are afraid of what might be pulled out. We know we can be pretty horrible people at times, or all the time, but we do not want to be face to face with that side of us. We do a pretty good job of trying to cover that stuff up so that no one else will know. I think this may also be why I love these nights so much. It forces me to get real. It forces me to take off my masks and really examine myself.

So imagine me in my late twenty self when I enter the room to sing worship songs and watch our video for the night and there is a cross sitting up front. (ok I already knew we were going to be nailing something to the cross, but seeing it in the flesh, or whatever the object word for flesh is, meant even more) I got very excited. I think what I like about these events so much is that I am able to visually see these sins, or struggles or things that I know I shouldn't be doing or seeing, or being apart of, I can see them being taken from me, I am literally taking them to the cross. Surrendering them to Him, the only one that can change it, renew it, make it new. 

So we were meant to nail something to the cross that is keeping us from fully following God. It could be many different things. For me I was thinking of things that are keeping me from fully being faithful, or fully using my faith. The one that I nailed to the cross is my idea of how life should be for me right now. How at my age, in society, I should be so many different things, but I am not, and I wonder why I am not. For example I feel as though I should be married, I should know what I want to do with my life. I should know my purpose, or my role I should.... Fill in the the blanks. but the reality is those things are not my reality so I need to live in the now and stop thinking that life is going to be different right now. It's not. 

I need to stop putting the world's expectations of what a twenty-something should be or should be doing. What they should have accomplished by a certain age. Let's be real here. When I was in high school I thought I would be married by 25 and have a few kids by 30. Well that is not my reality. That did not happen. But that was my plan. That is not his plan. But also did you hear anything about God in my plan. No. Because I did not factor him into my plan. 

I feel as though when we have been told to have a plan, a five year plan, since we were young. We always ask kids, what they want to do or be when they grow up. We are always talking about where we are going and yes I think it is important to have goals and be future minded. But I think we need to be asking people what they are doing now. How they are now, what they are learning now. 

Because I  do not know if it is just me But I do not have a five year plan. The only thing on it would be to pay off student loan debt and become closer to Jesus. Because of Haiti I have a renewed sense of just get to know Him and draw closer to Him. Everything else will become less important. (more on this later) 

Excerpt from my journal 

God I pray that you will do what needs to be done with me so that I am one with you. Bring me back to this page when I start to complain about my trials, to this week, where we have learned to rejoice in our trials. 

Anything that brings you closer to God, count it a blessing. Haiti part 2

Alright so last year when I went on this trip I was in a completely different place than I am this time around. So that has changed this year's trip for me already. Last year, you could go back and read through them here, here, and here and here, they are progressive, but I was very much needing the trip for myself, which was not a bad thing. but this year I was able to go much more selflessly. I was able to invest in others and really give of myself. It was a completely different experience, but at the same time being very similar. It is funny how that can happen with just a change in the mind. Your mind is a crazy place. I mean think about it. Yes about half the team that when this time was new, so that was different, but same place, same children (who I miss daily and just watching them brings a ton of joy), There was a different staff this time, but much of it was the same, but it truly was almost like a different trip all because my mindset was different.

It was crazy seeing all of the work that was completed. The groups that have come in have done so much and gotten so much done. The area that we dug up, is filled with concrete and block creating apartments for the teachers that teach at the orphanage. The Next Step Ministries Staff are using the apartments that we painted. God is just so good and it is evident because work is getting done, the children are happy, cared for, and fed. The Next Step Staff is inspiring and encouraging. They push me to stay in the word and follow after Him, just by living their faith out. God is working in this organization. These pictures are basically taken in the same spot, it's hard to tell, but it is crazy how much work got done.

The first night we were there we had a video by Francis Chan, and I think it was my favorite of the week. I mean all of them were immensely impactful. Francis does not do eloquence, he does not speak in elaborate terms or twisting paradoxes. He is simple, but cuts to the heart. He has a way of bringing something that you have heard numerous times before and makes you go huh? I never thought of it like that. Or brings it new meaning. He brings a new story to it or a new analogy and you are almost reminded of what brought you to your knees that first time you were completely in awe of Him and gave your life over to Him.

Anyway, done with that shameless Francis plug (but for real read one of his books and try to not see God in a different light, just try I dare ya). In this video Francis walked us through a cemetery and revealed his story to us. He has had quite the childhood of loss. But the one thing he said that struck me is that anything that brings you closer to God count it a blessing., the good, the bad, the ugly. It all had a purpose and it brought you ultimately closer to God which is our goal in life so be blessed and thank God for it.

I know that God has a plan. I know that everything that happens happens for a reason. I know that when I am struggling it is for a purpose and God is molding me. But I have never thought of it as a blessing, as something to look forward to, as something I should almost long for. A blessing is something you are thankful for, that you wish you had more of. Who looks at those tough times and is like "Yeah bring it on again." I know I would not want to go through my year long darkness stint again. Even though I am very thankful for it. I learned so much through it. But I also remember how hard it was. How I had a break down every week, living was hard, socialization was difficult. But He brought me through. As He always does. But I am also reminded that during that time, I didn't get myself through it. I was at the end of me, and that is when He took over, carried me, and guided me. He truly was my strength.

(Huge tangent coming beware)
At this very moment I have been listening to Good Good Father on like repeat lol. But I think sometimes we need to stop all of the noise and be okay with the silence. I am sitting on my stoop where the ants are quite annoying, but I will deal because it is the only thing I have to sit on outside. And all I want to do is be out of my house. I'm not sure what it is, (it could be that major cleaning needs to happen) but I just do not want to be in there. I want to be outside. (which if you know me at all, I do not like nature all that much, or I should rephrase that, I do not like bugs very much). We gotta do something about this because I like to sit outside, (for the most part, bugs are like my enemy) and we do not have a good patio thing. And listen to me complain. Actually me sitting like this is much like how I contemplate life in Haiti, on the ground. So actually let this be a constant reminder to me of how I wrestle with and get to know God, sitting on the ground, sitting on concrete. Here is a perfect example of something drawing me closer to God it removes a lot of distractions, reminds of Haiti, so it is a blessing. I do not need to lavish things to feel close to God. All I need is concrete. (I guess)

(Back on track)
One aspect of my life that I, for a very long time, wished was different was the fact that I had a father that was not very present in my life. My parents got divorced when I was four and when I was five we moved three and a half hours away. For the first few years of living with the distance we saw him every other weekend. But then we got older and got into sports so our trips up to see him became farther apart. He called every once in awhile, but it felt like an obligation over a desire to talk to his children. I hated that I didn't have a good father in my life or a father figure at all. I think what I didn't like most of all was the aspects of my life that it affected. The parts of my mind that were twisted or altered because I didn't grow up with male affection. Thus I searched for it. I longed for attention from the opposite gender. And I hated that insecurity in me. Or the insecurity that I was not worth it, or was not enough, because I had this false idea that it was because of me that my father was not around. That if I would have been x, y, and z I would have had his attention and love. It took many years for me to figure out that it was not me it was him.

I still deal with those insecurities in me, but I am not trying to fix them on my own anymore. You see the one aspect of God that brought me to my knees and truly made me want to run into his arms, is that He is a Father to the fatherless. He will never leave you or let you down. Which I felt my earthly father had done. God would not do. He would be my father figure that I had been longing for for my whole life. He would have my back, love me without question, and I would always be enough. I came to not resent my father a few years back when I realized that he was apart of me and who I am, and I like who I am. If I had a different father than I have no idea who I would be, and I like me, so I like all my past, good or bad. But Francis affirmed this decision in me. Because not having an amazing father on earth is what brought me to God so I count it a blessing.

Words are inadequate -Haiti part 1

So as some of you might know I just got back from Haiti, like seriously have not been back for 24 hours. It has been a whirlwind of a trip. Any trip or event that you plan for for a long time usually goes like this. You prepare for so long for maybe a couple week trip, or a week trip, or even a day and then in the blink of an eye it feels like it's over. Then you have this feeling of letdown. This feeling of what's next. Or what am going to do now that I do not have to plan for said trip or event. But with this type of a trip the emotions are a waterfall, they are not just a simple letdown or oh well that was awesome and now it's over, it is almost like a type of loss. So when you have the loss of a loved one, only the people that were close to that person understand. Only them do you think you can talk to, or are even comfortable being around. I feel that way after this trip. I talked with people at church and it was great, not too many asked about the trip actually. But when I got around the people that I went with, I could breath again, because they understand. They were there, I don't have to explain it to them. They just get it. Especially when words are not easy to come by. Because I do not have a lot of words to describe this trip (you're probably thinking, yeah right your using words right now)

A few people that I sat by at church were asked if they wanted to do lunch with some other people that didn't go on the trip, (and this is nothing against those people) but they had to decline the invitation because they can't quite get back into the groove of things yet, they do not quite feel comfortable with people who have not seen what they have seen. And they know that people genuinely want to know about the trip and they in turn want to share, but how do you share when you do not quite even understand it all yet. When you cannot put it into words. When  it is just emotions rushing around in your head and words do not suffice. The truth is, we cannot put it into words. We cannot adequately share the experience yet, maybe not ever. It is truly a God thing. Between us and the Father and words are just words. My advice to anyone who truly wants to know how the trip was is to go on the trip. Because my words will not do it justice. They a pale comparison to the reality that is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti, or Fond Blanc, Haiti. Do the trip and you will see that words do not come so easily.

It is like when you see an amazing scenery and the picture you take cannot quite capture the beauty that is before you, and you wonder how you will ever be able to share it with anyone else.