I am not a boy crazy girl... But...

I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.

I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.

I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)

Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.

Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.

I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.

I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.

"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.

(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)

Reality vs. My Ideas-Haiti part 3

So I grew up in youth group. We did so many different object lessons, or burning of different things, or sharing of different things, nailing different things. All these things were meant to be an act of removing something from your life that is hindering you from a closer walk with Christ. They were always powerful and always had an impact on me. I guess in some ways I am a visual, tactile learner.  So whenever I saw the cross up front or the burn barrel or whatever up there I would get a little excited. But at the same time. When I walked in and saw that I knew that it was about to get real in this room. We were about to, if you allowed yourself, do some soul searching and ask/answer some tough questions. These questions are the questions that most of avoid. We do not want to go into the deep caverns of our heart because we are afraid of what might be pulled out. We know we can be pretty horrible people at times, or all the time, but we do not want to be face to face with that side of us. We do a pretty good job of trying to cover that stuff up so that no one else will know. I think this may also be why I love these nights so much. It forces me to get real. It forces me to take off my masks and really examine myself.

So imagine me in my late twenty self when I enter the room to sing worship songs and watch our video for the night and there is a cross sitting up front. (ok I already knew we were going to be nailing something to the cross, but seeing it in the flesh, or whatever the object word for flesh is, meant even more) I got very excited. I think what I like about these events so much is that I am able to visually see these sins, or struggles or things that I know I shouldn't be doing or seeing, or being apart of, I can see them being taken from me, I am literally taking them to the cross. Surrendering them to Him, the only one that can change it, renew it, make it new. 

So we were meant to nail something to the cross that is keeping us from fully following God. It could be many different things. For me I was thinking of things that are keeping me from fully being faithful, or fully using my faith. The one that I nailed to the cross is my idea of how life should be for me right now. How at my age, in society, I should be so many different things, but I am not, and I wonder why I am not. For example I feel as though I should be married, I should know what I want to do with my life. I should know my purpose, or my role I should.... Fill in the the blanks. but the reality is those things are not my reality so I need to live in the now and stop thinking that life is going to be different right now. It's not. 

I need to stop putting the world's expectations of what a twenty-something should be or should be doing. What they should have accomplished by a certain age. Let's be real here. When I was in high school I thought I would be married by 25 and have a few kids by 30. Well that is not my reality. That did not happen. But that was my plan. That is not his plan. But also did you hear anything about God in my plan. No. Because I did not factor him into my plan. 

I feel as though when we have been told to have a plan, a five year plan, since we were young. We always ask kids, what they want to do or be when they grow up. We are always talking about where we are going and yes I think it is important to have goals and be future minded. But I think we need to be asking people what they are doing now. How they are now, what they are learning now. 

Because I  do not know if it is just me But I do not have a five year plan. The only thing on it would be to pay off student loan debt and become closer to Jesus. Because of Haiti I have a renewed sense of just get to know Him and draw closer to Him. Everything else will become less important. (more on this later) 

Excerpt from my journal 

God I pray that you will do what needs to be done with me so that I am one with you. Bring me back to this page when I start to complain about my trials, to this week, where we have learned to rejoice in our trials. 

Anything that brings you closer to God, count it a blessing. Haiti part 2

Alright so last year when I went on this trip I was in a completely different place than I am this time around. So that has changed this year's trip for me already. Last year, you could go back and read through them here, here, and here and here, they are progressive, but I was very much needing the trip for myself, which was not a bad thing. but this year I was able to go much more selflessly. I was able to invest in others and really give of myself. It was a completely different experience, but at the same time being very similar. It is funny how that can happen with just a change in the mind. Your mind is a crazy place. I mean think about it. Yes about half the team that when this time was new, so that was different, but same place, same children (who I miss daily and just watching them brings a ton of joy), There was a different staff this time, but much of it was the same, but it truly was almost like a different trip all because my mindset was different.

It was crazy seeing all of the work that was completed. The groups that have come in have done so much and gotten so much done. The area that we dug up, is filled with concrete and block creating apartments for the teachers that teach at the orphanage. The Next Step Ministries Staff are using the apartments that we painted. God is just so good and it is evident because work is getting done, the children are happy, cared for, and fed. The Next Step Staff is inspiring and encouraging. They push me to stay in the word and follow after Him, just by living their faith out. God is working in this organization. These pictures are basically taken in the same spot, it's hard to tell, but it is crazy how much work got done.

The first night we were there we had a video by Francis Chan, and I think it was my favorite of the week. I mean all of them were immensely impactful. Francis does not do eloquence, he does not speak in elaborate terms or twisting paradoxes. He is simple, but cuts to the heart. He has a way of bringing something that you have heard numerous times before and makes you go huh? I never thought of it like that. Or brings it new meaning. He brings a new story to it or a new analogy and you are almost reminded of what brought you to your knees that first time you were completely in awe of Him and gave your life over to Him.

Anyway, done with that shameless Francis plug (but for real read one of his books and try to not see God in a different light, just try I dare ya). In this video Francis walked us through a cemetery and revealed his story to us. He has had quite the childhood of loss. But the one thing he said that struck me is that anything that brings you closer to God count it a blessing., the good, the bad, the ugly. It all had a purpose and it brought you ultimately closer to God which is our goal in life so be blessed and thank God for it.

I know that God has a plan. I know that everything that happens happens for a reason. I know that when I am struggling it is for a purpose and God is molding me. But I have never thought of it as a blessing, as something to look forward to, as something I should almost long for. A blessing is something you are thankful for, that you wish you had more of. Who looks at those tough times and is like "Yeah bring it on again." I know I would not want to go through my year long darkness stint again. Even though I am very thankful for it. I learned so much through it. But I also remember how hard it was. How I had a break down every week, living was hard, socialization was difficult. But He brought me through. As He always does. But I am also reminded that during that time, I didn't get myself through it. I was at the end of me, and that is when He took over, carried me, and guided me. He truly was my strength.

(Huge tangent coming beware)
At this very moment I have been listening to Good Good Father on like repeat lol. But I think sometimes we need to stop all of the noise and be okay with the silence. I am sitting on my stoop where the ants are quite annoying, but I will deal because it is the only thing I have to sit on outside. And all I want to do is be out of my house. I'm not sure what it is, (it could be that major cleaning needs to happen) but I just do not want to be in there. I want to be outside. (which if you know me at all, I do not like nature all that much, or I should rephrase that, I do not like bugs very much). We gotta do something about this because I like to sit outside, (for the most part, bugs are like my enemy) and we do not have a good patio thing. And listen to me complain. Actually me sitting like this is much like how I contemplate life in Haiti, on the ground. So actually let this be a constant reminder to me of how I wrestle with and get to know God, sitting on the ground, sitting on concrete. Here is a perfect example of something drawing me closer to God it removes a lot of distractions, reminds of Haiti, so it is a blessing. I do not need to lavish things to feel close to God. All I need is concrete. (I guess)

(Back on track)
One aspect of my life that I, for a very long time, wished was different was the fact that I had a father that was not very present in my life. My parents got divorced when I was four and when I was five we moved three and a half hours away. For the first few years of living with the distance we saw him every other weekend. But then we got older and got into sports so our trips up to see him became farther apart. He called every once in awhile, but it felt like an obligation over a desire to talk to his children. I hated that I didn't have a good father in my life or a father figure at all. I think what I didn't like most of all was the aspects of my life that it affected. The parts of my mind that were twisted or altered because I didn't grow up with male affection. Thus I searched for it. I longed for attention from the opposite gender. And I hated that insecurity in me. Or the insecurity that I was not worth it, or was not enough, because I had this false idea that it was because of me that my father was not around. That if I would have been x, y, and z I would have had his attention and love. It took many years for me to figure out that it was not me it was him.

I still deal with those insecurities in me, but I am not trying to fix them on my own anymore. You see the one aspect of God that brought me to my knees and truly made me want to run into his arms, is that He is a Father to the fatherless. He will never leave you or let you down. Which I felt my earthly father had done. God would not do. He would be my father figure that I had been longing for for my whole life. He would have my back, love me without question, and I would always be enough. I came to not resent my father a few years back when I realized that he was apart of me and who I am, and I like who I am. If I had a different father than I have no idea who I would be, and I like me, so I like all my past, good or bad. But Francis affirmed this decision in me. Because not having an amazing father on earth is what brought me to God so I count it a blessing.

Words are inadequate -Haiti part 1

So as some of you might know I just got back from Haiti, like seriously have not been back for 24 hours. It has been a whirlwind of a trip. Any trip or event that you plan for for a long time usually goes like this. You prepare for so long for maybe a couple week trip, or a week trip, or even a day and then in the blink of an eye it feels like it's over. Then you have this feeling of letdown. This feeling of what's next. Or what am going to do now that I do not have to plan for said trip or event. But with this type of a trip the emotions are a waterfall, they are not just a simple letdown or oh well that was awesome and now it's over, it is almost like a type of loss. So when you have the loss of a loved one, only the people that were close to that person understand. Only them do you think you can talk to, or are even comfortable being around. I feel that way after this trip. I talked with people at church and it was great, not too many asked about the trip actually. But when I got around the people that I went with, I could breath again, because they understand. They were there, I don't have to explain it to them. They just get it. Especially when words are not easy to come by. Because I do not have a lot of words to describe this trip (you're probably thinking, yeah right your using words right now)

A few people that I sat by at church were asked if they wanted to do lunch with some other people that didn't go on the trip, (and this is nothing against those people) but they had to decline the invitation because they can't quite get back into the groove of things yet, they do not quite feel comfortable with people who have not seen what they have seen. And they know that people genuinely want to know about the trip and they in turn want to share, but how do you share when you do not quite even understand it all yet. When you cannot put it into words. When  it is just emotions rushing around in your head and words do not suffice. The truth is, we cannot put it into words. We cannot adequately share the experience yet, maybe not ever. It is truly a God thing. Between us and the Father and words are just words. My advice to anyone who truly wants to know how the trip was is to go on the trip. Because my words will not do it justice. They a pale comparison to the reality that is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti, or Fond Blanc, Haiti. Do the trip and you will see that words do not come so easily.

It is like when you see an amazing scenery and the picture you take cannot quite capture the beauty that is before you, and you wonder how you will ever be able to share it with anyone else.

The Box you are in, is not your making.

Today I have been watching One Tree Hill. I am going through the seasons. I have loved this show ever since it was on the air.

Let's be real I did not watch one episode, I watched 4 or more lol. Do not judge me.

But today one of my favorite episodes came up. My favorite episodes consist of them going through something real, not all of this drama, but actually real issues that most of the teenagers go through, because these episodes were on almost 10 years ago, but lets be real the issues that teenagers go through are not different. They are the same, acceptance, finding a way, being someone, being known, living, these have not changed, and they do not change when you become an adult. As an adult I still have these issues. Sorry to break it to you teenagers, it doesn't always get easier, it just changes, the issues become something else. Hopefully you find that you have worth, and then you do not need to worry about acceptance, being known, you already have it, inside.

 We like to say that it is harder to be a child today than it was 50 years ago. But children didn't really have a say 50 years ago. Things are not easier or harder, they are the same, they have their ups and downs.

This episode is 4:13. It is when they get matched up with another student and they get to know them. Because truly when in high school did you choose to get to know someone outside of your circle. They had to answer deep questions. Telling secrets, sharing something personal, doing impressions (doesn't sound deep, but doing impressions in front of people is scary, it takes courage to act a fool). Most people might think that teenagers would schluff this off and take it as a free period. But I don't think that is true. I think that most teenagers want to talk about what is going on. Some of it is because they are self-absorbed, let's be real we all are. But they are going through so much, they are in a phase of life that is confusing. They are on the cusp of being an adult, but they are still very much children. They are trying to figure themselves out and are dealing with a lot of the aforementioned issues.

Or that some people stay in the box that people have put them in, because they know it is easier for their peers, so they stay in it. And they know that when they leave high school, they can break that mold. They can be whoever they want to be. I felt that way in high school. I made a pretty huge 180 when I was half way through high school, but I still felt as though I was in a shadow, or in a box. I was always in the gossip and I hated it. When I left high school and found myself in a foreign country at school. Something pretty major happened and I did not even know about it. I knew in that moment that I was creating a new identity, not pretending or being something different, just not held back by the restrictions people subconsciously put on me in high school. We all create these restrictions for others, it is what makes us feel comfortable. When they go out of those boundaries that is when we feel betrayed, because they went against what we knew them to be. Not that they went against themselves, they broke the nice box we made for them and now we don't know what to do. They may have lied and cheated, but we all have the capacity to do those things, so they are not going against themselves. We just didn't think they would ever do it, or ever do it to us, and they did. So we are hurt. Because our concept that we built for them isn't necessarily true anymore. Or we do not give them room to evolve.

When I was in university one of my close friends, lets call her Emma, started to date this guy, lets call him Sam. They had been friends for a few years and decided they had feelings for each other so they started to date. Now at this time the Sam's friends did not like this. See the thing is Sam was a very outgoing type of guy. He was the life of the party so to speak. He began to become an intellectual, spending a lot of his time reading, contemplating life and his role in it. Thus he was spending less time being social. Of course this rocked his friends, because they have this perception of who Sam was and when he started to become something different they didn't know what to do. So when Sam started to date Emma, who also was becoming an intellectual, they were not on board. They talked negatively about her, in some ways appeared to sabotage their relationship all because they thought Emma was wrong for Sam, but yes maybe Emma was not right for who Sam was, but Sam is not that person anymore. But they couldn't see that or maybe didn't want to see it. Because it would shatter their box that they created. We all create them for all sorts of things. It is how we cope. Oh I know you are wondering if Emma and Sam are still together, if they made it against their friends wishes. Well, no they didn't. They lasted a few weeks, it was not only because of their friends that they didn't last it was many things.

My favorite picture in this episode that they do is Brooke's picture. She stands in front of an overhead projector and writes down a lot of her fears and insecurities. But the truth is, when she steps away those things will still be on the wall, but not on her. They do not have to define you.

One last thing, that has nothing to do with the majority of this blog post, is the music that was on this episode. It is amazing here is the list:

What can I do?-Rosebuds

Masochist-Ingrid Michaelson 

Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thornes- Mother Love Bone

Tuesday's Gone- Lynard Skynard 

Don't Wait- Dashboard Confessional

Baba O'Reily- The Who 

Check them out. 

Why Hello Mr. Portillo.

So life has a funny way of surprising you. The day seems like an ordinary day and then something happens that will never leave your memories.

Today was one of those days. I was eating lunch with a friend at a new Portillo's restaurant. It is a Chicago based restaurant that specializes in hot dogs, burgers, chicken. (They started out of a trailer and made dogs.) Anyway. Since it is new there are so many people there, or actually I hear they are always crazy busy, but it is a well oiled machine for sure. But also there was nowhere for us to sit, so we had to sit at the bar kind of thing, for usually people that are eating alone. Well there was one seat left by us. This older gentlemen comes and sits by us. He is wearing a maroon button up and dress pants.He comes over with a bottle of water, cottage cheese and papaya. My friend and I look at each other with the face of, seriously coming in here with your own food. But we just thought he is an older gentlemen, let him be. Little did we know who just sat by us.

Well he then dribbles some of his cottage cheese onto his hand and leans over to us and says, "I swear when I eat I become a 4 year old." We kindly give him some napkins and we began talking. He introduces himself as Dick Portillo (the founder), but we at first are like really? But then he starts to give stories that only he could know. We end up chatting with him for like a half an hour. He is so down to earth and easy to talk to. We chatted about our jobs, and he mentioned that he goes to Florida a lot. We asked how many people work here at any given point and he said 72, can you imagine, that is crazy.

One thing that really stuck out to me was when he talked about the hard years, in that trailer. He said that there were three years that were really hard and scary. Where he was wondering what he got himself into. He talked about fear, the fight or flight response. He was saying that fear does something to your mind. Either you stay and continue on, hoping it will get better, or you quit. Well he stayed and fought and look at him now.

It just goes to show you that everyone who starts something where there is some fear involved has to make a choice everyday when things are hard, keep going or quit. If you choose to keep going you have no idea what could be around the next corner. It had an impact on me. Because I feel as though right now, with Arbonne, I am going through a rough time. It has not been as easy as it was in the beginning and I am having to choose everyday, to either keep going or quit. Well I choose to keep going, because you never know what could happen.

It was such a surreal experience. We were like giddy school girls when he left. And then he came back with cookies. We got a photo with him and then others came over and were asking for photos.

4 Simple Ways to Redirect

I have been overcome recently with the concept of:

You define what is important to you by what you spend your time doing.

I have been spending my summer watching a lot of TV, Netflix may have been a mistake, and watching a lot of sports/sports commentating (but the Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup so that is done), working out, and worrying about Arbonne, you read that correctly, worrying. two out of the three of these things are in a way good for me. Working out is important for my health and well being, I wouldn't say that I am over doing it or spending an unhealthy amount of time on it. Worrying about Arbonne, Arbonne is my job so I should be thinking about it, but worrying is not going to change a thing. Now the TV thing is a waste of time, but I cannot change it by worrying about it. 

What I realized is that God, who I say all these great things about (because they are true) and who has saved me from myself. Who has guided and protected me throughout my life. Who loves me more than I will ever know. He does not even seem to crack the top ten of my list. I say that He is at the top, but is He truly. No. 

I say quite a lot, but my actions are what truly reveal my heart. I may in my mind want many things to be true. But they are merely thoughts in my mind, they are ideas. Ideas are nothing if they are not either shared or created into something. If people just kept their ideas to themselves we would not have some of the greatest inventions or thinkers. It just shows that actions, what you do is important. It is what others will know you by. That is because people cannot read your mind, they only know what type of person you are by how you speak and what you do. And they will find out very quickly if you are a person of integrity, what you say matches what you do, or if you are a hypocrite, your words do not match what you do. Then your words mean nothing. 

I need to get back to my words, or the things I want to be true about me, to mean something. What I spend my time doing matters, 

Here are 4 simple ways to get yourself back on track. 

1. Take an inventory of what you are spending your time doing or thinking about. 

This is key. Most of the things we spend time doing are not bad. It is the fact that we spend too much time on them. These activities have taken the place of God in our lives, or have taken the place of something else we would like to achieve. Or they have simply become God to us. We need to take a step back and look at our day and see what we are doing, in our down time when we are not working, what are we filling our time with. Even when we are at work what is going through our minds is key. Is it a constant string of complaints, or can we just not wait until it is closing time (cue Matchbox 20)? Write these things down. Take a normal day and write down everything you do and everything you think about.

2. Make a list of what you want to do/be

This means that you need to figure out what you want with life, and who you want to be. Where do you want to be in 5 years? What kind of a person do you see yourself being? So for example I would like to be debt free, living on my own, and doing something that I truly love. Those may seem quite simple, but you haven't seen my student loans!!! Now there are other things that I would like as well, but those came to mind first. Maybe you want to volunteer, or start a startup or be involved in something that matters. Whatever it is big or small write it down. This is your list of goals. 

3. Look over both lists, cross off from list 1 what is not going to help you with list 2. 

So in this step you need to think critically. Look over what you want from life, or where you want to be going (list 2) and decide which activities from list 1 will assist you in getting there. If it does not assist you, then cross it off. These activities need to be down strictly in moderation.  

For example,  if you are thinking that TV will be in your future, as a writer or a reviewer then watching TV will actually be beneficial for you. But if you are merely watching TV to fill time, that will not get you to be where you want to be. Those minutes or hours, maybe even days will never come back. (remember I am not condemning anyone, I am an avid TV watcher remember) 

If you want to have an impact in some way, maybe in the lives of people or with a product. Then you should probably be out doing something that can have the opportunity to make an impact. Cross of everything that is getting in the way of you being who you want to be. 

4. Brainstorm what activities you can do to aid you in achieving list 2

So for me, I need to think of ways to make a little extra money, (to get rid of my debt and quickly as possible). That is one reason why I started with a Network Marketing company. I need to spend a little more time formulating a budget and sticking to it. (its true what they say mo money, mo problems, (well its really mo money, mo ways I can spend that money) Once my debt is more under control I can think of moving out and living on my own. 

This means that I need to start to spend more time with God. Reading his word, journaling, praying, worshiping. Being concerned with what He would have me do today, not being consumed with the future. (you may be thinking but you just said 5 years from now) Yes you should have goals and dreams, and plans, but they shouldn't own you. Today is all that is certain and even then it is not so certain. 

So maybe you need to look into volunteering more, maybe with your church, with different organizations around your city, or traveling to larger cities and finding ways to get involved. Not always are opportunities going to come to you, sometimes you need to go and seek them out. Maybe you want to write, well what you need to do is write. 

Find ways to achieve some of your goals today, or take steps to achieving your goals today. What you do today may have a great impact on your future and you had no idea.