Soundtrack for your Life

Music,

It is poetry put a rhythm, with a bit and accompaniment. It is the feeling trying to form itself into words, to convey it to someone else. It is not always perfect, but it can move someone to feel something that they may never have experienced before. Music can also allow you to know that someone else feels the same way you do. That you are not alone this crazy thing called life, that even though it may feel as though you are completely alone, someone has put your emotions to song which can only mean that they have felt that way before. I have never been very talented in this area, and give mad props to those that do it so well.

I have always been drawn to sad songs and I think I have always liked them because there is such true emotion there, that you cannot help but feel it too. I also find that words are so much more poetic (I know this is not true, but I have a bias).

Some of the music that has allowed me to not feel completely alone in some of my insecurities or lonesomeness is the Mumford and Sons. I knew of them before, but was not able to buy the album until now. I have went on walks the past 2 days to think and listen to this album. It has brought me to tears, and also has dried them. Sometimes in the same song. That is one thing that is beautiful with this album, it can create this intense emotion, but then can give you a great hope.

I have also bought recently Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros. It is so hippie and I love the country flair that it brings. It is beautiful.

I have also found someone knew in the last few weeks that I did not know before. Rosie Thomas. She is mellow and raw in her deliverance of poetic lyrics and interesting melodies.

Thank you music for not only putting words to my emotions, but also allowing me to not feel alone in my melancholy state.

New Blog

Hey all so as I have mentioned I enjoy critiquing movies. So I created another blog in which I can organize my movie critiques.

The Website is http://uneducatedmoviecritic.blogspot.com/

I hope you enjoy it.

MEXICO! WEDDING!

Just got back from my brother's wedding in Mexico. I have been looking forward to this for almost a year. It was beautiful, the ocean was amazing, I have always been fond of the ocean. It is quite tranquil, it is almost like no matter what is going on it doesn't matter when I am standing in front of the repetitious ebb and flow of water that never ends. It has the calming effect and at the same time it scares me. I cannot comprehend it, I cannot see the end of it, what is underneath it is unknown to me.

It brings life into perspective, reminds me that I am small and quite insignificant, but I am also quite powerful.

I love weddings, when the bride walks down the isle I take a quick glance at the bride and then switch my gaze to the groom and watch his reaction. I end up looking back and forth between the bride and the groom. I find that grooms change when their bride is walking toward them. Their whole demeanor changes. They become soft and gentle and the love that is in their eyes is one that I cannot match or put words too. But I will try. It is like you are coming face to face with everything that you long for. It is all right in front of you and it will be yours, all yours, forever.

Weddings are beautiful to me, they are full of bliss, love, encouragement, laughter, memories. I have been to two weddings in the last week and one of them I was in which was hard to watch the groom, but my brother is smitten. He starts tearing up at just the mention of the love that they share. I adore their relationship. I long for something of that caliber when I get married. Even to just feel that for a moment would be worth it.

I was watching on Grey's Anatomy and the writers for the show always have great monologues. This one really struck me.

Meredith: There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . .

Read more: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/greys-anatomy/#ixzz1QFEM4Ruw

I am not in a relationship, I am in some ways alone. and I do feel this way a lot of the time. that I do not know if I could be vulnerable enough to let someone in the way what I would need to for a healthy relationship. I have been on my own for so long that I wonder if I can do this with someone else so close all the time. And what if it did fall apart? Would I be able to handle it. But then again I do not want to leave in fear. Not doing certain things because of what might happen, if I did that I should just sit at home all of the time and not do anything.

Love is everything, not the cliched love, but the all consuming, putting others first, not selfish, Action not only emotion. It is what makes our world go round and what allows poets to write and artists to create, it is what passion comes out of and our souls yearn for. Love is all around us.

Returning home after university.

So I have a couple additions to my summer to-do list:

-go to a Broadway play or a play in general.

-do something that allows me to be more cultured

-See a Ballet

So I have hung out with a few different groups of friends since I have been home. It is odd because most of us do not have our own places so we are living at home and when we hang out if we do not go out, we hang out at someone's house. It is just like high school. Another realization that I have had being home is that since I went far away to school I have no cross over friends. I have my Freeport friends, and my University friends and to be really picky I also have my group from Ecuador. While I was hanging out with these two groups of friends, also no crossovers within these two groups either, I did enjoy it, but I could not help feeling as though it was just like high school. I have grown so much over the past 6 years, as I have mentioned, and there is no one at home that took those strides with me. So the friends from home are not going to push me to be that person I have become because really they do not exactly know who I am.

It is not their fault, because I am terrible at keeping in touch and when so much time passes by I cannot relate to them the daily or even weekly milestones that have been conquered. They only get the jist, or the ending result. They still might see me as the Erica from high school. And that is not who I am.

I want to be challenged and I want to be pushed to reach the potential that I am suppose to reach. I do not want to digress, my blog is not called digress it is called egress, I am not going back by I am exiting into something new, not old.

Just some thoughts about returning home. I have others, they will come soon!

Summertime

So I have been home now for almost a month. I have not crossed much off of my to-do list.

This is the list (it will become longer)

-camping

-games, baseball, and soccer

-something completely spontaneous

-go to Chicago more

-go shop in Galena and Paoli

-have a night where I am completely unhindered

-go to a movie by myself

-go golfing more

to name a few

I have been spending time pondering. This can be a good thing, but has the potential to be quite negative. I am a college graduate, deciding to live at home, making little more than minimum wage, trying to stay true to myself in most ways, but also feeling this need to push the boundaries of me or to be more like ____________. I thought that this stage in my life was over, and I wonder if coming home rekindles its flame. I love being close to home do not get me wrong, and by close I am smack dab on the spot, but I wonder if those parts of me that I left behind when I left did not really go anywhere, but stayed here and waited for me to come back.

Since I left I have become quite fond of who I am. I have come to grips with many of the insecurities that I have and the different tendencies that I grew up with. These are no longer flaws but the imperfections of a masterpiece that prove it to be one of a kind. I do not want my returning home to hinder that mind frame, or maybe the testing will just make it stronger.

We will wait and see.

Saw Bridesmaids last night. I give it a 8/10. very funny. the vomiting scene, priceless. anyone would have lashed out at the end.

Home at Last-

Well I have made it home. It took three and a half days. We went through Yellowstone National Park, Mount Rushmore, and even stopped at Wall Drug. My friend I drove with got pulled over about an hour and half from home, opps. He got a speeding ticket.

It feels odd to be home and know that this is where I could be for a while, unless something else changes. I went to the dentist today, it has been a year and a half since I was last there and my dental hygienist was asking me a lot of questions about loans and financial aid. I realized that I am getting older. I know this is not something revolutionary to realize, but throughout this last year while I was teaching I felt as though I was not old enough to be doing this. I kept thinking , I am months away from being a certified teacher and I do not feel as though I am old enough to be responsible for children. Let me try and explain it a bit better. I know that I am now 24 years old and have 2 degrees, but I still feel as though I am a child, with a bit more life experience and debt.

I am not sure if this is something that most college grads go through, maybe if I was married or getting married and starting a family I might feel as though I am the right age, but I am a college grad that has chosen to move home to save money and rest a bit, I have a lot of debt, but I am not factoring anyone in. I am still quite selfish in my decision making, because I can be. That is maybe why I still feel like a child, because yes, I can make wiser decisions, but they still only revolve around me. (yes they affect others, but no one is having to make these decisions with me).

I have a steady job for the summer working at a daycare/school that is attached to a church. It is a great place to work. It is quite small and I have worked there for a few years now and I know everyone and feel comfortable. I went in yesterday to say hello and find out anything that I need to do before I start next week and was informed that I could possibly have a full time job in the fall. The only catch is that I am not teaching grade school kids, I would be teaching 2 year olds. That is right 2 year olds. It really isn't teaching it is more like babysitting, but I guess I cannot be picky, I would still be working with kids. But is any experience really good experience? We will have to see.

until then...

Worry/the future

I was contacted a couple of days ago by a friend that I have known for a few years now. He read my blog and emailed me a question that I have been thinking about for a while now. He related to the idea of risks that I had talked about in my blog and asked if I was really taking a risk next year (well a little more tactfully then that). It was nice to have someone pretty much call me out on it. I had to think about it.

Before when I was deciding on staying home, it had a little bit to do with running from risk. But now I can say that this next year is about me being prepared for the next risk that life has for me. I have been taking risks for the past 6 years and am ready to be in a place where I can safely take risks (kind of an oxymoron). I can focus on some of the avenues that I think God has been preparing me for. I use to wonder why I had the childhood I had, but now I know it is to talk with other girls with similar backgrounds. That is what I hope to do this summer and next year. oh yeah and I plan to teach.

I have been reminded lately of how much money and worry can control you. If I have something on my mind I cannot get to sleep, I can lose my appetite, and actually start to feel sick, all because I am concerned about something that I have no control over. It is really crazy how our lives can be altered so much because of how much we fear the unknown. Worry will control you because you feel as though you are not in control. (which really we are not in control ever). My mother told me the other day when I was allowing worry to take over, "that money is just money. Everything will work out and at the end of the day, money is just money." It was nice to have that reminder. She always knows how to defuse me and always has exactly the right words. I do not know how she does it, but she has talked me down from many an uprising. I love her so, and this is quite appropriate, seeing as it was mother's day yesterday. I have truly been blessed.