"That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies."

So I am still at a crossroads but I feel as though I am realizing more and more that teaching in the traditional sense of the word, classroom setting, may not be for me.

I mentioned this to some of my coworkers and they said, "But you are so good at it." I nodded my head politely. But truly I am not sure if I agree with them. I am not at all trying to throw myself a pity party but I have been feeling lately that I am doing a horrible job as a teacher. Let me explain further. 

I have no patience left. I seem to lash out at my students. Sometimes it may be warranted but I react a lot. The no patience also comes in when I am dealing with students who do not understand something. I used to love being able to help these students. Now I seem to find it a nuisance. I end up giving up and either another student helps them or the para in my classroom will help them. That is not right as a teacher I should love those opportunities because they will show the most growth. But I just get frustrated with the blank stares. 

Now yes I can manage a classroom, but I do it through a mixture of a fear and respect. Which is maybe what is meant to be done. But I do not like that I never smile or seem to laugh with my students at all for fear of losing control. Because with these kids if you give an inch they will take a mile. It is not the same as most other schools where you can lighten up after the first few months, no you have to stay on them all year long. They never quite seem to get it. It is immensely exhausting. 

I also feel as though all we do is teach to a test and I never wanted that. I hear that it is like that all over the US but I cannot stand it. I am not teaching them how to be successful citizens, I am teaching them how to get the correct answer. That is not creating individuals it is creating robots. And I want to create students that think for themselves. 

I wanted to go into teaching for the impact that I could have on future generations. I know cue the doves and the harp music but seriously that was my aim. I also know that teachers have said that you will not know the impact that you have until maybe years later if ever. But I hoped at least to have more immediate confirmation that I am doing a good thing. That I am meant to be doing this, instead I kinda hate it. 

It has become that thing that I complain about, lets be honest complaining is not something foreign to me, but still I want to enjoy my job more than hate it. I have only been teaching for a year and a half and I already feel burned out. I thought that was ridiculous when people said that most teachers stop teaching before they even reach 5 years. I was all like, "That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies." (With the obnoxious face to match.) But seriously it is me. 

A Change in Scenery

I have decided to redo the decor in my bed room. Now as most of you know when I graduated from university I came home and moved into my room that I lived in when I was in high school. My last year of high school we completely redid my room. I have black floors, a mural on my wall from a friend and a film strip painted on my wall. The film strip goes across the other 2 walls of my room. The last wall is a closet.

Anyway

When I envisioned having a film strip I would have large 8 X 10 in it looking like a true film strip. Well when I got home from university I put up some empty frames and little plaques and licence plates and what not. Well recently I had an idea from a friend of using clip boards and putting up creative things. So the clip boards are put on the wall and anything that you like you put on it. I bought a few and took clippings from magazines that I like, pictures, and other odds and ends and have created something that truly is beautiful to me. So when I walk in to my room I immediately see beauty right there. It has helped with my creativity, to surround myself in it. It also puts me in a good mood to see beautiful things around me. Now I have put some sayings on my wall that may seem as if I am not okay with the hear and now, but I do not believe that I have found what I am looking for just yet.

A crossroads

Everything worth having is worth working for.

This is a sentiment that has been haunting me. This whole idea that if you want it then work for it. But when is enough enough. When do you stop pushing against this wall that does not move. Where the doors close and then the windows close and you are stuck wondering how in the world you ended up here. You thought this was what you were meant to do. You might say well just move on. But then I go back to the sentiment.   If you stop then you gave up, if you keep working at it and nothing comes of it would you not be foolish.

And when is the point that you simply say I have worked. I have tried. I have done what you wanted. You have asked me to do these three things. I did them, studied, spent the money, and now you ask me to do four other things in order for me to have a label. To have this piece of paper that deems me worthy. This number that shows that I am capable. Did I not go to school for five years? Did I not pass every class? Have I not been doing the very thing that I am striving for, for the last two years? Why not ask my employers how I am? What will another class tell you?

Please do not think that I am complaining that I have a job or that I have been blessed. But I just feel like I want to do something that I love, is that too hard to ask. (you might say get your head out of the clouds only probably 5% of people are actually doing what they love) (but I want to be that five percent) And right now I do not love what I do. I do not exactly dread going to work but I am not excited about it either. I do what I have to do, but I do not put in anything extra.

I am doing a job that most would not see as a low job, because I am educated and continually expected to hone my craft. Continue to take courses and perfect my job. But really your money is truly where your mouth is. You do not value what we do otherwise our pay would reflect that. I did not go into this job for the money, no one does. But after jumping through all these hoops to become legitimate I do not understand why we have such strict requirements but are paid less than a construction worker, it doesn't quite add up.

I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to work at a job where I do not feel valued, (do I even need to feel valued? Should I bring all the value that I need to the job? Or as mentioned before and I just being foolish of course you need to feel valued) but get paid well and am doing what I went to school for?

Or

Do I do something that would be a great risk? Do I go out on a limb and try something else?
I could fail, but I could succeed I guess that is why it is a risk.

Circumcision???

Wow two posts in the span of a few days I am on a roll. But I guess it is the new year, this is one of my resolutions and just as the fitness places are swarming right after the new year I guess my blog post might be flooded too. Hopefully I keep this going longer than March. Anyway

I was reading in the Bible today, yes I know it is a rarity. But my church is reading the Bible in a year and I have wanted to do this for some time but have not had the discipline to do it. So I thought why not now. That may be my motto for the year Why Not Now. 

Another tangent... So as I was saying I was reading in Genesis today about Abraham and God requiring him and any of those that follow they ways of the Lord to be circumcised. Circumcision has never been something that I have thought about much maybe because I am a woman, but I have always found it to be a little gruesome. Today though I found myself completely torn up about it. To think that these young children and some not so young at that time, are having to have their genitals cut up and to think that back then they did have anesthesia as we do today. It just pained me to think of how awful it had to have been when everyone needed to me circumcised. I turned to my mom and asked her what the reasoning is for circumcision? I knew that their had to be a reason, because (call me naive if you choose) I do not believe that God requires things for no reason. He always has a reason and I do not believe that it is vain or conceited either. My mother said it was probably because of cleanliness, which does make sense. But why have the foreskin at all if you are going to need to cut it off. I was thinking that maybe it is because it protects while the fetus is in the uterus. I know this is not essential to my belief in God nor is it essential in my life at all. But it was something interesting I was thinking about and wondering what the purpose of it was.

Random thoughts in my mind.

things I would like to do this year.

So it has been awhile.
But one of my New Year resolutions is to write a blog post weekly.
So I better start it out right.

I created a list of the things that I would like to complete before I turn 28. Well I haven't even turned 27 yet, but I thought why not start out this year will some direction. my birthday is only 2 months away and I could already feel quite accomplished.

So here are the 27 things I want to do before I turn 28
1.Read at least 10 books and keep track
2.I desire to have purple hair
3. 5 random acts of kindness, keep track
4. Try some exotic food
5. post weekly on my blog
6. go to a festival
7. go to a professional sports game
8. go to three concerts
9. finish my smashbook
10. document my life more
11. call a long distance friend once a month
12. declutter my wardrobe
13. meet someone to get excited about
14. donate plasma twice
15. disconnect from all screens for two days
16. create a vision board
17. work out at least 2-3 times a week
18. read the entire Bible
19. save more money
20. pay off 1/4 of my Sallie Mae loan
21. complete a 10k
22. take another class possibly art
23. go camping
24. visit states I haven't been to
25. sew myself a piece of clothing
26. do 5 crafts
27. do something that truly scares me.

I have it in a journal. I have a page for each task to help with keeping track and also creating a plan if necessary. We shall see how it goes.

Gone Girl

Seriously a must read. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. It keeps you on your toes. A murder mystery, very twisted. Shows just how manipulative a marriage can get. It is beautifully written, just when I thought it was getting a little boring something would surprise me and keep me reading. It was so good. MUST READ.

Gluttons for punishment

The girls were still horrible. One of the ring leaders actually was getting a dose of her own medicine and was getting fazed out. I think she was beginning to see that it doesn't pay to be friends with these girls, but I know how girls are and they will still run back to them even if they make them feel horrible.

What is it about girls? It is almost like we are gluttons for punishment. We almost purposefully take the hard rode or allow ourselves to be treated like crap over and over again. We want the attention and affection so much we are almost willing to do anything. We will ruin ourselves just to feel it, experience love, belonging. But I do not believe that it is our fault. I feel as though we have this predisposition to seek love, to find love. The upbringings that we have do not normally help either. The absent fathers, the screwed up mothers with self-concept issues of their own. And we are expected to come out unscathed. "Beautiful from the inside out." When really on the inside we have no idea what love is or who we even are.

It is really sad because very few girls have this natural, healthy self-concept. Where they face the world head on, no excuses for who they are. They have this "take me or leave me attitude."

The rest of us spend our whole lives wanting to feel needed, apart of something, enough for someone. There are some of those, if they are lucky, that somehow change it, reverse it and are not completely consumed by this need to feel loved. They, through a long process, are able to, most of the time, feel good about themselves without any compliments or guys turning their heads. I will say it took how many years of making these bad habits and how many years is it going to take to reverse them?

I will say it took 23 years for me, creating these unhealthy habits, that I criticized myself for, but are actually quite normal for a girl. It took a good year of counseling mood swings, amazing friends with insight, and I finally got just that. Insight. I understood that God loved me no matter what, seriously no matter what. And it was something that simple yet that profound to crack through my shell. To finally shatter everything I had known. Because seriously I had heard many times Jesus loves you, God's love is healing, God's love is unconditional. But for some reason I did not really understand it. Maybe it was the right timing. Or some might say that I am naive and ignorant. Whatever you want to call it I feel good about myself. I am not self-destructive.  I do not have convince myself that I am worth it anymore, I know I am. So whatever you want to say I am better for it.

I feel for girls, especially those that I can tell simply want to be loved. Even more so these young girls that just do not know any better. They have figured out the girl game, and are ready to play. But they just want attention. I was wonder what is going on at home, or in their heads. Because most of them are not bad girls they are simply desiring a basic need, love. You may not say it is a basic need but really think about it. How fulfilling can life be if you do not have love. How far can you get in life if you do not have love. And women, I would say more than men, truly feel this void.  I feel for these girls, the girls who simply want to be loved.