I mentioned this to some of my coworkers and they said, "But you are so good at it." I nodded my head politely. But truly I am not sure if I agree with them. I am not at all trying to throw myself a pity party but I have been feeling lately that I am doing a horrible job as a teacher. Let me explain further.
I have no patience left. I seem to lash out at my students. Sometimes it may be warranted but I react a lot. The no patience also comes in when I am dealing with students who do not understand something. I used to love being able to help these students. Now I seem to find it a nuisance. I end up giving up and either another student helps them or the para in my classroom will help them. That is not right as a teacher I should love those opportunities because they will show the most growth. But I just get frustrated with the blank stares.
Now yes I can manage a classroom, but I do it through a mixture of a fear and respect. Which is maybe what is meant to be done. But I do not like that I never smile or seem to laugh with my students at all for fear of losing control. Because with these kids if you give an inch they will take a mile. It is not the same as most other schools where you can lighten up after the first few months, no you have to stay on them all year long. They never quite seem to get it. It is immensely exhausting.
I also feel as though all we do is teach to a test and I never wanted that. I hear that it is like that all over the US but I cannot stand it. I am not teaching them how to be successful citizens, I am teaching them how to get the correct answer. That is not creating individuals it is creating robots. And I want to create students that think for themselves.
I wanted to go into teaching for the impact that I could have on future generations. I know cue the doves and the harp music but seriously that was my aim. I also know that teachers have said that you will not know the impact that you have until maybe years later if ever. But I hoped at least to have more immediate confirmation that I am doing a good thing. That I am meant to be doing this, instead I kinda hate it.
It has become that thing that I complain about, lets be honest complaining is not something foreign to me, but still I want to enjoy my job more than hate it. I have only been teaching for a year and a half and I already feel burned out. I thought that was ridiculous when people said that most teachers stop teaching before they even reach 5 years. I was all like, "That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies." (With the obnoxious face to match.) But seriously it is me.
I still think you might enjoy a Montessori school. I say this because I think you might enjoy the small environment, the hands on activities, as well as the fact that they do not teach to the test. In fact they don't test, it's against Montessori beliefs they move the children up to the next level only when they have shown mastery. The children are also encouraged to be incredibly independent and self sufficient. Classroom management is done in a very peaceful way, in 3 months I never heard a teacher raise their voice. I'd hate to see you give up on the dream to make a difference, it is possible. Maybe you're on the wrong road headed in the right direction. But then again no one knows you like yourself and maybe there is another something that will make you happier and more fulfilled.
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