I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.

Mo money, Mo problems

I have asked for God to stretch me I belive He has been doing that. As mentioned before I had some minor health issues come yo. I have mostly healed from those, but still trust God that it is all healing correctly. That is everything is good. Bit one thing I knew was coming, and dreading were the bills that would come after the fact. They never tell you how much it is going to cost, its like a sneak attack. But I had to go, and now I have to pay for it. I do have insurance, but really that means. Nothing. My insurance is so bad. Let's be real my insurance is really me trusting God that the money will come from somewhere to help cover the costs. I only really have catastrophe insurance. This was not a catastrophe. I am paying for it.

So before I dealt with trusting God with my health and I am being asked to trust Him financially. I have been doing this for many years. But I think this is the big one. I truly do not know how this one is going to happen. I have 3 bills coming my way. I have received one of them and my health savings account will cover that one. So that is good. God prepared me a bit for some of this and I was able to put some money away for it. But the next one is my big one. And I thought this first would be my cheap one and it was not as cheap as I thought it was going to be. So I am kinda scared to see what my next one is going to look like. And my last one is from an urgent care and who knows what those cost. This is where I need to trust. I had no choice but to go to the doctor and God will have a way for me to pay for it. It could be done in a variety of ways. Who am I to name them, He works in mysterious ways.

As I write this I cannot sleep becuase I cannot stop my mind. My mind is running through all of the scenarios. I write this because truly this is how I have to get it out. If I do not write this I will continue to mull over what is ahead of me.

I also do not always think that we need more money to solve these problems either. Yes we could try and do a few things to create a little more income to help with these unexpected bills. But I find that truly mo money means mo problems. Because I find that when I have more money I do not use it wisely. I do not save, or give or use it where it is needed. I end up eating out more or buying more things because I know I have the extra money. So yes I have been asking God to create little opportunities for me to make a little extra money, but nothing extravagent. (side note, with my network marketing company I found that I was making a lot of extra money, but not using it wisely. I have no idea where that extra money went to, so I am working on trying to use the little money that I do have wisely, i.e. budgeting correctly, before I add extra money to it. Becasue if you cannot use the little money you have wisely, then how are you thinking you are going to use more money wisely, you will not. More money does not erase bad habits, I have been learning.)

I have been reminding myself of these truths to help calm my mind and my heart and allow myself to have peace.

God is good.
This has been a reaccuring theme in my life. Regardless of my circumstances that does not change the fact that God is good.

God is powerful and is bigger than any problem that I have.

God has my back and wants what is best for me.
This reasures me that anything that comes my way, God is there, working it for my good.

God loves me more than I could ever know.
This is the truth. His affections for me are beyond my comprehension and I need to rest in that when the world seems to be against me or crashing in around me or getting smaller and feeling as though they are crushing me. He loves me with a love that does not alter, or change. And because of that I am able to feel freer, because the weight of pleasing Him, or the pressure of consequences is removed. That is not how He works.

These are the truths that I repeat to myself when I begin to stress about life. Whatever that may be. Money problems, health problems, satan attacking my spirit and feeding me lies about myself (that I am not good enough, that I am second best, that people like her/him better than me etc.) These are the truth those things are not. Remember that today when life doesn't seem to go your way or when the weight of living is a lot, hard to carry at times. He is there. He has you and He loves you.

Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).

Search me, and know my heart !

We all know that God knows everything right. Can we agree on that? Even the stuff that we try to hide, the stuff that we wish no one knew, He knows. Those selfish motives that push us to do things, well He knows those too.

So then why do we ask Him to know us? If He already knows everything why in Psalm 139 does David ask God to know Him.

In the beginning of that chapter, David starts out with saying what I just said. God already knows us.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me"

Then David goes into all the ways that God knows him.

but then at the end, He asks God to know him, to test Him, to remove those things that are not right within him. Why does David do this if God already knows.

Well let me ask you something. If someone just read your diary, or journal (I know diaries are for girls, right). How would you feel? You would feel violated, hurt. You may feel emotionally naked. They would know too much about you. And most of all, the reason it would hurt so much is because they didn't even ask. They did it behind your back.

But if you were to tell them these things, share these secrets with them then you would not feel violated. Or if you gave them your diary and told them to read it. You gave them permission to know the deep parts of you. You chose to confide in them.

Yes, God knows everything. But isn't it different if you choose to let Him in. Don't you think that He wants you to want Him to know everything. Not just Him knowing it by default.

It's like when you do something wrong and your parents or friends find out and they wait for you to tell them what you did instead of them bringing it up. Yes they already have the information, but it means more if you confess it, or you divulge the information. It is you taking responsibility. It is you letting them in, not them letting themselves in.

You invite them.

God wants us to want Him. Does He need it, I would say no. But He wants it. Just like we, humans, want to be wanted or needed. Take that feeling and multiply it by too much to count and that is what God is feeling. He created us, He loves us more than anything we can ever imagine. He wants us to invite Him in. To take up residence in us.

You know how it feels when someone says to you, I've never told anyone this before. Or this is the first time I think I have said this out loud. You feel very honored that they would confide in you, that they would let you into those deep places within themselves. You feel very special. You know they must feel very highly of you to share their deepest thoughts. You don't take it lightly. It is fragile. You take this knowledge very carefully. As to let them know, this is a big deal and I know that. I will do my best to not let you down. But you might, you are human.

I imagine that this is how God feels when we invite Him in. Like a proud parent. But a major difference here (and there are a lot of differences) If you invite Jesus in He will never let you down. He Can't. He would be going against his very nature, He would be a contradiction. Therefore He is faithful, He never changes, The same today, yesterday, tomorrow. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us of this.

The one who knows it all, wants you to want Him. He wants to be invited in. It is a level of intimacy that is beautiful. He doesn't just want to know it, He wants you to want Him to know it. So share it, there is nothing you can say that will make Him love you less, there is nothing that you have done that will change how He feels about you. There is nothing in your heart or in your thoughts that will make your path change, He knows it all already. Invite Him in.

Remember He is not a desperate being, He is powerful and will be worshipped. But He wants you to realize your need for Him.

Be Bold enough to pray Psalm 139 and believe it in Faith and see what happens.


You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Stop doubting, He has shown He is faithful.

Do not doubt.

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

Truly believing that something is right or that something will happen is a beautiful thing. I think when we doubt we hesitate to believe that God is who He says He is. Or we doubt ourselves even more, but then we are uncertain that God will do what He says He will do. Doubt is almost like the lukewarm, it is not fully believing, and it is not completely in disbelief. This is where faith and trust comes in.

(but take heart, in Jude 1:22 it is stated "have mercy on those who doubt."

God has gotten us this far, He knows what we need, so why do we doubt that He will guide us, why do we doubt that He has our backs. Why do we doubt His presence in us. Why do we think that well last time was easier, and this time, this is a big thing, I am not quite sure He can do it. Seriously why do we do this every time something scary happens. It is like we completely forget everything that he has done for us. What He has done throughout history. 

I just moved in an area that was extremely scary for me. I wasn't even going to do it. I half way did it and thought okay that was safe. It still took everything in me to press publish. Then I immediately went for a walk I had to process and be with God. It was too much, but probably just enough for Him. Because today I was pushed to completely do it.  To share it with the everyone. Then decided to just do it. So with my heart racing and tears brimming. I pressed post and I am not kidding that took it all. It was in his hands and I just hoped it would be for his glory and not for mine. It is all for His glory. A few girls messaged me while I was out, after I posted it and they affirmed my feelings. They were glad to not feel alone. I was commended on my vulnerability and sometimes I think it is stupidity, (not really) but some say you should not be so open. But I do not believe that. If you do not share your struggles or issues or sufferings I think we begin to feel shameful over those things. The devil uses our minds to tell us that it is wrong, that no one else will understand, that we are alone. But we are not alone. No issue or struggle is new. We all have them and for many of us they are the same. Get past yourself and share it. Be brave and do not doubt. God will use it.
Check out this article
God brings us suffering for others sake

All the words that I have, all the thoughts that I have, all the epiphanies that I have, anything that I share, it came from Him first. None of it is original. Nothing is new under the sun. I learned that in Ecclesiastes. Any issue or struggle that you go through is not new. Humans have been struggling with it for centuries, I hope that is encouraging, because it was for me. God got those people through those sufferings, He will get you through yours too. 

James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

More scripture on doubting-
Matthew 21:21
Proverbs 3:5-8
John 20:27
Matthew 14:28-31
There are many more.

Trust and have faith. That is my challenge for myself as well as for you. 

It is quite simple, we complicate it.

I have been living my life hoping for God to speak. Hoping to hear his audible voice telling me what to do. Well let me tell you that has not happened. But I have had many instances where I hear his words in my mind or in my gut. I have been very focused on the future. What to do, where to go, who to be. Hoping that God would just throw me a bone and make my life easy and tell me what to do.

I was bombarded this past week that the end is not as important as the journey it takes to get there. Calm down and enjoy the journey. How many times when traveling on a vacation we want to rush the process so that we can just get there. And then we have some great stories about the journey that it took just to get there. Let us not be so focused on the end of the journey, but on the journey itself. That is where the learning and the molding of oneself is happening. Enjoy it, take a look around and remember it, savor it, because you will not be here again.

Another aspect that has been coming into my mind is when people asked Jesus how to live, or what is the greatest commandment (obiv they were trying to trip him up, but seriously I think apart of them maybe was curious) He talks about loving God. With all of you. In Deuteronomy 6:5 "Hear O Israel, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (you're probably thinking umm that is the Old Testament Erica and Jesus preached in the New Testament, you are indeed correct, but He was referencing this verse)

This is not a partial love. This requires all of you, physically, spiritually, mentally. Every aspect of you should be striving to love Him. Get to know Him and better understand  Him.  When you delve more into Him everything else seems to be less important. I think we truly complicate things and what God is asking from us is actually quite simple. Just love Him and love others. We get very bogged down by how that looks in the real life, but just start somewhere. You are not going to fail if you are striving for Him. Read Romans 8. Seriously so good, if we have God on our side what do we have to be fearful of. The the more we crash into God, the less everything else matters. We want Him to show us so much, reveal so much to us, but I think we forget the point. We are merely suppose to love Him with all our hearts, souls and mind and strength. The rest will fall together. We want and maybe even need God to show us. But that's not the point. It is to just love Him. That is it. Simple. 

What might this look like to do that. Well what do you do with things you "love." You tell people about it, you find out more about it. you spend with with it or doing it, you cannot get enough of it. All the time you have just doesn't seem like enough. You are intoxicated by it. That is what you do with people or things you love, it is the same for the God you profess to love. 

This is my goal everyday. To get to know Him more, to fall more in love with Him than I already am. I do not deserve the love that He gives but I will soak it up. Because without Him I am nothing.  

I am not a boy crazy girl... But...

I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.

I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.

I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)

Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.

Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.

I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.

I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.

"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.

(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)

Reality vs. My Ideas-Haiti part 3

So I grew up in youth group. We did so many different object lessons, or burning of different things, or sharing of different things, nailing different things. All these things were meant to be an act of removing something from your life that is hindering you from a closer walk with Christ. They were always powerful and always had an impact on me. I guess in some ways I am a visual, tactile learner.  So whenever I saw the cross up front or the burn barrel or whatever up there I would get a little excited. But at the same time. When I walked in and saw that I knew that it was about to get real in this room. We were about to, if you allowed yourself, do some soul searching and ask/answer some tough questions. These questions are the questions that most of avoid. We do not want to go into the deep caverns of our heart because we are afraid of what might be pulled out. We know we can be pretty horrible people at times, or all the time, but we do not want to be face to face with that side of us. We do a pretty good job of trying to cover that stuff up so that no one else will know. I think this may also be why I love these nights so much. It forces me to get real. It forces me to take off my masks and really examine myself.

So imagine me in my late twenty self when I enter the room to sing worship songs and watch our video for the night and there is a cross sitting up front. (ok I already knew we were going to be nailing something to the cross, but seeing it in the flesh, or whatever the object word for flesh is, meant even more) I got very excited. I think what I like about these events so much is that I am able to visually see these sins, or struggles or things that I know I shouldn't be doing or seeing, or being apart of, I can see them being taken from me, I am literally taking them to the cross. Surrendering them to Him, the only one that can change it, renew it, make it new. 

So we were meant to nail something to the cross that is keeping us from fully following God. It could be many different things. For me I was thinking of things that are keeping me from fully being faithful, or fully using my faith. The one that I nailed to the cross is my idea of how life should be for me right now. How at my age, in society, I should be so many different things, but I am not, and I wonder why I am not. For example I feel as though I should be married, I should know what I want to do with my life. I should know my purpose, or my role I should.... Fill in the the blanks. but the reality is those things are not my reality so I need to live in the now and stop thinking that life is going to be different right now. It's not. 

I need to stop putting the world's expectations of what a twenty-something should be or should be doing. What they should have accomplished by a certain age. Let's be real here. When I was in high school I thought I would be married by 25 and have a few kids by 30. Well that is not my reality. That did not happen. But that was my plan. That is not his plan. But also did you hear anything about God in my plan. No. Because I did not factor him into my plan. 

I feel as though when we have been told to have a plan, a five year plan, since we were young. We always ask kids, what they want to do or be when they grow up. We are always talking about where we are going and yes I think it is important to have goals and be future minded. But I think we need to be asking people what they are doing now. How they are now, what they are learning now. 

Because I  do not know if it is just me But I do not have a five year plan. The only thing on it would be to pay off student loan debt and become closer to Jesus. Because of Haiti I have a renewed sense of just get to know Him and draw closer to Him. Everything else will become less important. (more on this later) 

Excerpt from my journal 

God I pray that you will do what needs to be done with me so that I am one with you. Bring me back to this page when I start to complain about my trials, to this week, where we have learned to rejoice in our trials. 

Anything that brings you closer to God, count it a blessing. Haiti part 2

Alright so last year when I went on this trip I was in a completely different place than I am this time around. So that has changed this year's trip for me already. Last year, you could go back and read through them here, here, and here and here, they are progressive, but I was very much needing the trip for myself, which was not a bad thing. but this year I was able to go much more selflessly. I was able to invest in others and really give of myself. It was a completely different experience, but at the same time being very similar. It is funny how that can happen with just a change in the mind. Your mind is a crazy place. I mean think about it. Yes about half the team that when this time was new, so that was different, but same place, same children (who I miss daily and just watching them brings a ton of joy), There was a different staff this time, but much of it was the same, but it truly was almost like a different trip all because my mindset was different.

It was crazy seeing all of the work that was completed. The groups that have come in have done so much and gotten so much done. The area that we dug up, is filled with concrete and block creating apartments for the teachers that teach at the orphanage. The Next Step Ministries Staff are using the apartments that we painted. God is just so good and it is evident because work is getting done, the children are happy, cared for, and fed. The Next Step Staff is inspiring and encouraging. They push me to stay in the word and follow after Him, just by living their faith out. God is working in this organization. These pictures are basically taken in the same spot, it's hard to tell, but it is crazy how much work got done.

The first night we were there we had a video by Francis Chan, and I think it was my favorite of the week. I mean all of them were immensely impactful. Francis does not do eloquence, he does not speak in elaborate terms or twisting paradoxes. He is simple, but cuts to the heart. He has a way of bringing something that you have heard numerous times before and makes you go huh? I never thought of it like that. Or brings it new meaning. He brings a new story to it or a new analogy and you are almost reminded of what brought you to your knees that first time you were completely in awe of Him and gave your life over to Him.

Anyway, done with that shameless Francis plug (but for real read one of his books and try to not see God in a different light, just try I dare ya). In this video Francis walked us through a cemetery and revealed his story to us. He has had quite the childhood of loss. But the one thing he said that struck me is that anything that brings you closer to God count it a blessing., the good, the bad, the ugly. It all had a purpose and it brought you ultimately closer to God which is our goal in life so be blessed and thank God for it.

I know that God has a plan. I know that everything that happens happens for a reason. I know that when I am struggling it is for a purpose and God is molding me. But I have never thought of it as a blessing, as something to look forward to, as something I should almost long for. A blessing is something you are thankful for, that you wish you had more of. Who looks at those tough times and is like "Yeah bring it on again." I know I would not want to go through my year long darkness stint again. Even though I am very thankful for it. I learned so much through it. But I also remember how hard it was. How I had a break down every week, living was hard, socialization was difficult. But He brought me through. As He always does. But I am also reminded that during that time, I didn't get myself through it. I was at the end of me, and that is when He took over, carried me, and guided me. He truly was my strength.

(Huge tangent coming beware)
At this very moment I have been listening to Good Good Father on like repeat lol. But I think sometimes we need to stop all of the noise and be okay with the silence. I am sitting on my stoop where the ants are quite annoying, but I will deal because it is the only thing I have to sit on outside. And all I want to do is be out of my house. I'm not sure what it is, (it could be that major cleaning needs to happen) but I just do not want to be in there. I want to be outside. (which if you know me at all, I do not like nature all that much, or I should rephrase that, I do not like bugs very much). We gotta do something about this because I like to sit outside, (for the most part, bugs are like my enemy) and we do not have a good patio thing. And listen to me complain. Actually me sitting like this is much like how I contemplate life in Haiti, on the ground. So actually let this be a constant reminder to me of how I wrestle with and get to know God, sitting on the ground, sitting on concrete. Here is a perfect example of something drawing me closer to God it removes a lot of distractions, reminds of Haiti, so it is a blessing. I do not need to lavish things to feel close to God. All I need is concrete. (I guess)

(Back on track)
One aspect of my life that I, for a very long time, wished was different was the fact that I had a father that was not very present in my life. My parents got divorced when I was four and when I was five we moved three and a half hours away. For the first few years of living with the distance we saw him every other weekend. But then we got older and got into sports so our trips up to see him became farther apart. He called every once in awhile, but it felt like an obligation over a desire to talk to his children. I hated that I didn't have a good father in my life or a father figure at all. I think what I didn't like most of all was the aspects of my life that it affected. The parts of my mind that were twisted or altered because I didn't grow up with male affection. Thus I searched for it. I longed for attention from the opposite gender. And I hated that insecurity in me. Or the insecurity that I was not worth it, or was not enough, because I had this false idea that it was because of me that my father was not around. That if I would have been x, y, and z I would have had his attention and love. It took many years for me to figure out that it was not me it was him.

I still deal with those insecurities in me, but I am not trying to fix them on my own anymore. You see the one aspect of God that brought me to my knees and truly made me want to run into his arms, is that He is a Father to the fatherless. He will never leave you or let you down. Which I felt my earthly father had done. God would not do. He would be my father figure that I had been longing for for my whole life. He would have my back, love me without question, and I would always be enough. I came to not resent my father a few years back when I realized that he was apart of me and who I am, and I like who I am. If I had a different father than I have no idea who I would be, and I like me, so I like all my past, good or bad. But Francis affirmed this decision in me. Because not having an amazing father on earth is what brought me to God so I count it a blessing.

Words are inadequate -Haiti part 1

So as some of you might know I just got back from Haiti, like seriously have not been back for 24 hours. It has been a whirlwind of a trip. Any trip or event that you plan for for a long time usually goes like this. You prepare for so long for maybe a couple week trip, or a week trip, or even a day and then in the blink of an eye it feels like it's over. Then you have this feeling of letdown. This feeling of what's next. Or what am going to do now that I do not have to plan for said trip or event. But with this type of a trip the emotions are a waterfall, they are not just a simple letdown or oh well that was awesome and now it's over, it is almost like a type of loss. So when you have the loss of a loved one, only the people that were close to that person understand. Only them do you think you can talk to, or are even comfortable being around. I feel that way after this trip. I talked with people at church and it was great, not too many asked about the trip actually. But when I got around the people that I went with, I could breath again, because they understand. They were there, I don't have to explain it to them. They just get it. Especially when words are not easy to come by. Because I do not have a lot of words to describe this trip (you're probably thinking, yeah right your using words right now)

A few people that I sat by at church were asked if they wanted to do lunch with some other people that didn't go on the trip, (and this is nothing against those people) but they had to decline the invitation because they can't quite get back into the groove of things yet, they do not quite feel comfortable with people who have not seen what they have seen. And they know that people genuinely want to know about the trip and they in turn want to share, but how do you share when you do not quite even understand it all yet. When you cannot put it into words. When  it is just emotions rushing around in your head and words do not suffice. The truth is, we cannot put it into words. We cannot adequately share the experience yet, maybe not ever. It is truly a God thing. Between us and the Father and words are just words. My advice to anyone who truly wants to know how the trip was is to go on the trip. Because my words will not do it justice. They a pale comparison to the reality that is in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti, or Fond Blanc, Haiti. Do the trip and you will see that words do not come so easily.

It is like when you see an amazing scenery and the picture you take cannot quite capture the beauty that is before you, and you wonder how you will ever be able to share it with anyone else.

The Box you are in, is not your making.

Today I have been watching One Tree Hill. I am going through the seasons. I have loved this show ever since it was on the air.

Let's be real I did not watch one episode, I watched 4 or more lol. Do not judge me.

But today one of my favorite episodes came up. My favorite episodes consist of them going through something real, not all of this drama, but actually real issues that most of the teenagers go through, because these episodes were on almost 10 years ago, but lets be real the issues that teenagers go through are not different. They are the same, acceptance, finding a way, being someone, being known, living, these have not changed, and they do not change when you become an adult. As an adult I still have these issues. Sorry to break it to you teenagers, it doesn't always get easier, it just changes, the issues become something else. Hopefully you find that you have worth, and then you do not need to worry about acceptance, being known, you already have it, inside.

 We like to say that it is harder to be a child today than it was 50 years ago. But children didn't really have a say 50 years ago. Things are not easier or harder, they are the same, they have their ups and downs.

This episode is 4:13. It is when they get matched up with another student and they get to know them. Because truly when in high school did you choose to get to know someone outside of your circle. They had to answer deep questions. Telling secrets, sharing something personal, doing impressions (doesn't sound deep, but doing impressions in front of people is scary, it takes courage to act a fool). Most people might think that teenagers would schluff this off and take it as a free period. But I don't think that is true. I think that most teenagers want to talk about what is going on. Some of it is because they are self-absorbed, let's be real we all are. But they are going through so much, they are in a phase of life that is confusing. They are on the cusp of being an adult, but they are still very much children. They are trying to figure themselves out and are dealing with a lot of the aforementioned issues.

Or that some people stay in the box that people have put them in, because they know it is easier for their peers, so they stay in it. And they know that when they leave high school, they can break that mold. They can be whoever they want to be. I felt that way in high school. I made a pretty huge 180 when I was half way through high school, but I still felt as though I was in a shadow, or in a box. I was always in the gossip and I hated it. When I left high school and found myself in a foreign country at school. Something pretty major happened and I did not even know about it. I knew in that moment that I was creating a new identity, not pretending or being something different, just not held back by the restrictions people subconsciously put on me in high school. We all create these restrictions for others, it is what makes us feel comfortable. When they go out of those boundaries that is when we feel betrayed, because they went against what we knew them to be. Not that they went against themselves, they broke the nice box we made for them and now we don't know what to do. They may have lied and cheated, but we all have the capacity to do those things, so they are not going against themselves. We just didn't think they would ever do it, or ever do it to us, and they did. So we are hurt. Because our concept that we built for them isn't necessarily true anymore. Or we do not give them room to evolve.

When I was in university one of my close friends, lets call her Emma, started to date this guy, lets call him Sam. They had been friends for a few years and decided they had feelings for each other so they started to date. Now at this time the Sam's friends did not like this. See the thing is Sam was a very outgoing type of guy. He was the life of the party so to speak. He began to become an intellectual, spending a lot of his time reading, contemplating life and his role in it. Thus he was spending less time being social. Of course this rocked his friends, because they have this perception of who Sam was and when he started to become something different they didn't know what to do. So when Sam started to date Emma, who also was becoming an intellectual, they were not on board. They talked negatively about her, in some ways appeared to sabotage their relationship all because they thought Emma was wrong for Sam, but yes maybe Emma was not right for who Sam was, but Sam is not that person anymore. But they couldn't see that or maybe didn't want to see it. Because it would shatter their box that they created. We all create them for all sorts of things. It is how we cope. Oh I know you are wondering if Emma and Sam are still together, if they made it against their friends wishes. Well, no they didn't. They lasted a few weeks, it was not only because of their friends that they didn't last it was many things.

My favorite picture in this episode that they do is Brooke's picture. She stands in front of an overhead projector and writes down a lot of her fears and insecurities. But the truth is, when she steps away those things will still be on the wall, but not on her. They do not have to define you.

One last thing, that has nothing to do with the majority of this blog post, is the music that was on this episode. It is amazing here is the list:

What can I do?-Rosebuds

Masochist-Ingrid Michaelson 

Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thornes- Mother Love Bone

Tuesday's Gone- Lynard Skynard 

Don't Wait- Dashboard Confessional

Baba O'Reily- The Who 

Check them out. 

Why Hello Mr. Portillo.

So life has a funny way of surprising you. The day seems like an ordinary day and then something happens that will never leave your memories.

Today was one of those days. I was eating lunch with a friend at a new Portillo's restaurant. It is a Chicago based restaurant that specializes in hot dogs, burgers, chicken. (They started out of a trailer and made dogs.) Anyway. Since it is new there are so many people there, or actually I hear they are always crazy busy, but it is a well oiled machine for sure. But also there was nowhere for us to sit, so we had to sit at the bar kind of thing, for usually people that are eating alone. Well there was one seat left by us. This older gentlemen comes and sits by us. He is wearing a maroon button up and dress pants.He comes over with a bottle of water, cottage cheese and papaya. My friend and I look at each other with the face of, seriously coming in here with your own food. But we just thought he is an older gentlemen, let him be. Little did we know who just sat by us.

Well he then dribbles some of his cottage cheese onto his hand and leans over to us and says, "I swear when I eat I become a 4 year old." We kindly give him some napkins and we began talking. He introduces himself as Dick Portillo (the founder), but we at first are like really? But then he starts to give stories that only he could know. We end up chatting with him for like a half an hour. He is so down to earth and easy to talk to. We chatted about our jobs, and he mentioned that he goes to Florida a lot. We asked how many people work here at any given point and he said 72, can you imagine, that is crazy.

One thing that really stuck out to me was when he talked about the hard years, in that trailer. He said that there were three years that were really hard and scary. Where he was wondering what he got himself into. He talked about fear, the fight or flight response. He was saying that fear does something to your mind. Either you stay and continue on, hoping it will get better, or you quit. Well he stayed and fought and look at him now.

It just goes to show you that everyone who starts something where there is some fear involved has to make a choice everyday when things are hard, keep going or quit. If you choose to keep going you have no idea what could be around the next corner. It had an impact on me. Because I feel as though right now, with Arbonne, I am going through a rough time. It has not been as easy as it was in the beginning and I am having to choose everyday, to either keep going or quit. Well I choose to keep going, because you never know what could happen.

It was such a surreal experience. We were like giddy school girls when he left. And then he came back with cookies. We got a photo with him and then others came over and were asking for photos.

4 Simple Ways to Redirect

I have been overcome recently with the concept of:

You define what is important to you by what you spend your time doing.

I have been spending my summer watching a lot of TV, Netflix may have been a mistake, and watching a lot of sports/sports commentating (but the Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup so that is done), working out, and worrying about Arbonne, you read that correctly, worrying. two out of the three of these things are in a way good for me. Working out is important for my health and well being, I wouldn't say that I am over doing it or spending an unhealthy amount of time on it. Worrying about Arbonne, Arbonne is my job so I should be thinking about it, but worrying is not going to change a thing. Now the TV thing is a waste of time, but I cannot change it by worrying about it. 

What I realized is that God, who I say all these great things about (because they are true) and who has saved me from myself. Who has guided and protected me throughout my life. Who loves me more than I will ever know. He does not even seem to crack the top ten of my list. I say that He is at the top, but is He truly. No. 

I say quite a lot, but my actions are what truly reveal my heart. I may in my mind want many things to be true. But they are merely thoughts in my mind, they are ideas. Ideas are nothing if they are not either shared or created into something. If people just kept their ideas to themselves we would not have some of the greatest inventions or thinkers. It just shows that actions, what you do is important. It is what others will know you by. That is because people cannot read your mind, they only know what type of person you are by how you speak and what you do. And they will find out very quickly if you are a person of integrity, what you say matches what you do, or if you are a hypocrite, your words do not match what you do. Then your words mean nothing. 

I need to get back to my words, or the things I want to be true about me, to mean something. What I spend my time doing matters, 

Here are 4 simple ways to get yourself back on track. 

1. Take an inventory of what you are spending your time doing or thinking about. 

This is key. Most of the things we spend time doing are not bad. It is the fact that we spend too much time on them. These activities have taken the place of God in our lives, or have taken the place of something else we would like to achieve. Or they have simply become God to us. We need to take a step back and look at our day and see what we are doing, in our down time when we are not working, what are we filling our time with. Even when we are at work what is going through our minds is key. Is it a constant string of complaints, or can we just not wait until it is closing time (cue Matchbox 20)? Write these things down. Take a normal day and write down everything you do and everything you think about.

2. Make a list of what you want to do/be

This means that you need to figure out what you want with life, and who you want to be. Where do you want to be in 5 years? What kind of a person do you see yourself being? So for example I would like to be debt free, living on my own, and doing something that I truly love. Those may seem quite simple, but you haven't seen my student loans!!! Now there are other things that I would like as well, but those came to mind first. Maybe you want to volunteer, or start a startup or be involved in something that matters. Whatever it is big or small write it down. This is your list of goals. 

3. Look over both lists, cross off from list 1 what is not going to help you with list 2. 

So in this step you need to think critically. Look over what you want from life, or where you want to be going (list 2) and decide which activities from list 1 will assist you in getting there. If it does not assist you, then cross it off. These activities need to be down strictly in moderation.  

For example,  if you are thinking that TV will be in your future, as a writer or a reviewer then watching TV will actually be beneficial for you. But if you are merely watching TV to fill time, that will not get you to be where you want to be. Those minutes or hours, maybe even days will never come back. (remember I am not condemning anyone, I am an avid TV watcher remember) 

If you want to have an impact in some way, maybe in the lives of people or with a product. Then you should probably be out doing something that can have the opportunity to make an impact. Cross of everything that is getting in the way of you being who you want to be. 

4. Brainstorm what activities you can do to aid you in achieving list 2

So for me, I need to think of ways to make a little extra money, (to get rid of my debt and quickly as possible). That is one reason why I started with a Network Marketing company. I need to spend a little more time formulating a budget and sticking to it. (its true what they say mo money, mo problems, (well its really mo money, mo ways I can spend that money) Once my debt is more under control I can think of moving out and living on my own. 

This means that I need to start to spend more time with God. Reading his word, journaling, praying, worshiping. Being concerned with what He would have me do today, not being consumed with the future. (you may be thinking but you just said 5 years from now) Yes you should have goals and dreams, and plans, but they shouldn't own you. Today is all that is certain and even then it is not so certain. 

So maybe you need to look into volunteering more, maybe with your church, with different organizations around your city, or traveling to larger cities and finding ways to get involved. Not always are opportunities going to come to you, sometimes you need to go and seek them out. Maybe you want to write, well what you need to do is write. 

Find ways to achieve some of your goals today, or take steps to achieving your goals today. What you do today may have a great impact on your future and you had no idea. 

You look Happier.

As many of you know I recently started up with a network marketing company and in my last post I revealed one major plus that has come out of it. And truly it was one of the major reasons why I began. Want to read it click here. But little did I know that I would have another rather amazing effect from beginning this "little lip stick company."

To begin I kind of need to start at the beginning. I have always been a little insecure. I know you are thinking "What, no." But I am here to tell you yes. I had many fears that I was not enough, that people were annoyed with me, that I was ______________. Fill in that blank yourself and I probably felt it. In high school I began to realize that I was worth it, that I was worth something, not nothing. And that happened because I began to understand a fraction of the love that God has for me, the affection that He has for me. And I realized that if God who is perfect, and all powerful, and all knowing loves me, then I must be special. I began to try and see myself the why that he sees me. Not looking at me and thinking, "Ugh I created that, oh Man that is a waste. Or there she goes again." Instead he was thinking, "I love you, please see that you are of worth to me. I made you in my image, I cannot be wrong." I felt in a way that I was breaking his heart by the negative self-talk that I was doing to myself. This is where the change began. Was I cured, no, will I be fully cured, not until I am united with my savoir in heaven.

Then I started university, I realized that my mind was a troubled thing and I needed to go to someone to help sort it out. I went to counseling, GASP. I repeat, Yes I went to counseling. And it was the best decision I have ever made. (Now I truly think this was a great decision, but obviously this is a hyperbole, because I just told someone my Birkenstocks were the the best decision I made, I may use this phrase flippantly, but in all seriousness choosing to have Christ guide my path was the best choice, and I continue to have to make that choice daily.) Anyway. I began to be a lot more respectful to myself. I began to notice that negative talk I was doing, that I didn't even realize I was doing, and replace it with truth. I began to care for myself and I know now that I am worth it and beautiful and loved.

The reason I give this background is that I am pretty good with how I feel about myself. Or so I thought.

In the last week I have had two people, that do not know each other at all, tell me that I look much happier than I have in a while. This brought me to tears and it still does while I write this. It brings me to tears because I thought I was pretty happy before. But this company has helped me to believe in myself, do I still sometimes have the self doubt, of course I do. But it is not going to stop me.

 No one ever tells you when you start these businesses that they are going to help your personal growth. They tell you, you will make money, you may impact people's lives, you will have some freedoms financially and with your time. But they do not tell you when you start that you will become a better person. That your aura (for lack of a better word) will radiate a light that people will wonder about. Did I have confidence before, yea I would say that I did. But this is a difference type of confidence. I not only look happier, I am happier, which is a huge statement if you have been reading this blog for any period of time. Last year at this time, I was getting back from a mission trip to Haiti and I was very lost in my path. I had no idea what I should be doing. Read about it here. I believe that God brought about this network marketing company to help me to see myself a little more like how he sees me.

He believes in me, even if I do not, I will tap into his belief because with him I can do immeasurable things.

This opportunity has helped many women who feel as if they are stuck in life, or feel as though they are "only" a mom, which is a huge honor, but for some reason they feel like they need something more, or something to call their own. These "little lipstick companies" have rejuvenated women, which in turn affects their family. Men have been greatly impacted a well!