So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.
What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.
The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?
I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that? Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?
We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient. But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.
In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.
So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.
So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!
Monday 9 May 2016
Wednesday 27 April 2016
Just wait for those opportunities to come a knockin'
I was told a few months back that when you take a step toward Christ, take a leap of faith in obedience to what He has called you to do, just wait for the doors to open. The opportunities to come knocking. I did not fully understand what he meant when he said that but now I am beginning to see it unfold.
Six months ago I applied for an internship position in Haiti that most of you know about. I did this because I felt a nudging to do so even though it was completely out of my comfort zone. I guess I shouldn't say completely but aspects of it, large aspects of it, are out of my comfort zone. But I finally surrendered to His will and applied. Then I got accepted and then came the above conversation. At the time when this conversation was happening I did not know what he was talking about. What doors would open, what opportunities, because to be honest I have now lived in this town for a few years and not much has changed. Not many opportunities have come a knockin.
Well as they say hindsight is 20/20. Because over the past 6 months opportunities have come a knockin. But not in the way that I would have thought. I feel as though we invision the doors to be these huge endeavors, these opportunities that are out of this world. And not to say they they may not be, but I think we miss the little things that God is doing, the smaller doors that He is opening for us. God is doing things around us and in us everyday, we just do not take time to notice it. And these doors are nothing miraculous but they are opportunities I do not think I would have had if I had not taken that first leap.
I had already been working with the high school ministry at my church, but I began working with the college age as well starting in January. One of my fellow leaders encouraged, our forced whichever way you want to look at it, me to teach some of our get togethers. Now I had not ever done something like this before, but as he said, "You will be doing this in Haiti." I decided to take a leap of faith and do it. So I have now taught three times there and each time it gets a little easier. Each time I learn something new about sharing with a group of people. I learn that success is not gauged by what I can necessarily see, what change I see in them, but by listening to the Spirit and being obedient to what He has laid on my heart to say. I have also learned that you do not need to know everything or have taken a lot of classes on the Bible in order to teach something that God has taught you. This has taken some of the pressure off. Not that I take this lightly at all, but I also feel like I can put too much pressure on making it sound good, or right, or being truth. I just need to listen to the Spirit and follow what I feel He is requiring of me. That has been awesome to watch unfold, seeing maybe a skill I necessarily did not know I had. I know I went to school to teach, and I love teaching, but I guess I always thought teaching God's word was too lofty for me to attain. And maybe on my own it was. But I have to understand that if God desires it for me, then He will make me able because He is never wrong and truly He doesn't fail.
For my Haiti trip I have to teach a few 5 minute lessons in front of a crowd and video tape them. (Ugh not my favorite thing in the world, I have actually not even watched them.) I did one in February and because of that I was asked to do a lesson on our youth's spring break trip to Myrtle Beach. Now this trip I went on all four years of high school and it impacted my life greatly, so I was very excited to go, but also very nervous to have the same impact that the leaders did when I went. I quickly dismissed some of those pressures because I know it will be different. But this was still a huge step of faith. It was not leading small group discussions, as my college group lessons had been. It was going to be me, just me, speaking what I felt God had laid on my heart to say. One of the first daunting tasks was simply writing the lesson. Where do I start, what do I say? But I found that things start to just flow. Read and read and read some more and then listen. And see what He says. It was kind of crazy how easy thoughts came together and how even after I had created my outline I went over a few more times and He made things clear to me, things to focus on and things to narrow in on. Even my application point, had not been developed until the night before, seriously while I could not sleep at midnight or one in the morning it started to take shape. But I did not worry or stress about it, because I have come to realize that all things are made known in their own time. Ecclesiastes 3.
I am very excited to see what other doors may open and what other talents/abilities God is going to develop in me. I am by no means puffing myself up, I am simply making myself available to whatever He would have me do/be. I am a small part in His grand plan and am thankful to play whatever part He has for me.
Wednesday 27 January 2016
A beautiful mess-living life with people
Yesterday was rough.
It started rough and ended pretty rough.
There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.
But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.
It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.
Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.
You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.
Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.
I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.
I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.
One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.
It started rough and ended pretty rough.
There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.
But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.
It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.
Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.
You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.
Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.
I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.
I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.
One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.
Monday 23 November 2015
I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.
So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.
I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.
It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.
It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.
But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.
To recognize... me.
I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.
But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.
I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.
I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.
I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.
But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.
I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.
Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.
(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)
I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.
It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.
It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.
But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.
To recognize... me.
I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.
But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.
I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.
I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.
I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.
But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.
I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.
Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.
(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)
Friday 13 November 2015
It's like a gentle slap in the face.
Here is the first occurrence
So we always say that God works in crazy ways. And He so does. I was going through my bank account last night, paying bills and what not. I should have done this a week ago, when I got paid, but I slacked and then money goes and I wonder how I am going to pay everything this month. Lesson learned.
But last night I started to stress over my money. My credit card has a lot of money on it, and I have no idea how it got up that high, and does not seem to go down, because I never use it anymore. But that is a constant battle. I found myself feeling crippled again under all of my debt. And I do not just have credit card, I also have student loan debt.
I dwelled on it for a little bit last night, not majorly like I have done in the past. But I did start to worry a bit. Just thinking that I feel as though I am never going to be debt free. Or the debt just seems to never be going down, even though I pay so much on it. Whatever the thoughts could be they were.
I was able to sleep just fine last night. Which shows that it didn't completely rock me. I had a little trouble because of a mental to do list and I finally had to write it down and then I was good to go.
Today when I woke up to do my devotional, I was getting ready for my youth Sunday School class this morning, The entire thing was about wealth. And that if you value wealth you cannot also value God. It came from James and various other places in the Bible. But it hit me like a brick. I do not need a lot of money. Because even last night I was thinking of ways that I need to make more money. I do have an awesome company that I work for and I could put more effort into that so then I could earn more money. But this morning I felt as though God was reminding me that more money does not change bad spending habits. If you want to read about that one, click on the previous text. God was also reminding me that we are not called to be wealthy, if that happens then awesome, but that shouldn't be my goal in life. To fill it with things and money. It should be to dwell in the Lord. Jer. 9:22-23
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, 24 but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Our focus needs to be on God. ALL THE TIME. For moments last night, it was on money. And money is a real issue. We are so blessed in this country. Now with that does come more responsibility. Like bills and other payments. So you for sure do not feel like we are very rich people in the world. But the truth is we are.
(random side note, I hope that no English majors read this and dissect my horrid grammar skills.)
Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Money, with me, may always be tight, because for one, I do not always care to put in that crazy work ethic. But God will bless whatever I do if I am abiding in Him and trusting Him and Delighting in Him.
My next two have been while doing my Gideon study. I have been feeling frustrated while working with the youth. I love them, they are quirky and have not been horribly tainted by the world yet, but I see the world slowly seeping in. What has been hard is seeing them turn their backs on God all the time. They give Him their seconds, oh let's be honest it's their tenths. And they care more about their friend's perception of them than God's.
I have been reminded lately that I was just like that, and at times I am like that, I would fit God into my plans, and I would act one way at church or youth group and then a completely different way at school or with my friends. And God was so patient. He was so loving. He gentling pursued me. And I realized that I need to be that way with these kids too. Gentle and patient. And while reading Gideon God is so patient with Him. Gideon asks for so many signs to confirm what He already knows God has asked him to do. He never got frustrated with Gideon, He never got angry, He patiently and gently gave him signs. He knew Gideon was afraid. God even initiates one of the tasks that can help with Gideon's confidence.If God, who has every reason to be frustrated with how we act, can be so abundantly patient, how much more patient with people should we be.
The next way that God has been talking to me is through my lack of faith in when He has called me to do something. Right now it is in going to Haiti. I know that I am meant to be there, but that does not make getting up in front of 30 people every night easier. It doesn't minimize the crazy responsibility that comes along with leading a team. I have been lacking confidence in myself, which in turn is me lacking confidence in God.
Gideon had these same thoughts. That is why he asked for confirmation. I do hope that one day I have a faith that does not require confirmation. But right now I am not there yet. I tend to need to talk things over with people, after I feel God nudging me in a particular direction. This is not always bad, but we should trust the Spirit and have faith and walk in that when we do what we are being asked to do.
Priscilla, the writer of the study, makes a clear distinction between two different types of confirmation. Either you are asking for caution, or because of doubt and unbelief. What is important here is the heart behind it all. One is asking for clarity from a true sense of faith, our faith needs only to be strengthened, the other is asking from a place of ignoring what has already been said and not desiring to move in faith. Mine is a lack of faith, it needs only to be strengthened.
I also realized that many people in the Bible did not feel qualified for what He was calling them to do. That is where God can come in and show His power. If you think you are qualified then God will be getting you the victory, but you will think you did it all.
Right now I am lacking confidence in my ability. But I do know in the core of who I am that God is bigger than it all. And He hasn't failed and He won't start now.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He has got my back and wants what is best for me.
These are truths that I say to myself when doubt or insecurity start to creep in, which they do, often.
Saturday 7 November 2015
You cannot go wrong doing what God asks of you
Two in one week, count yourselves lucky. Just kidding
So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.
After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.
What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.
Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do. I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.
Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.
In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.
I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.
I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.
I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.
If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.
So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.
After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.
What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.
Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do. I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.
Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.
In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.
I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.
I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.
I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.
If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.
Thursday 5 November 2015
Who are you going to be when Crap comes knocking?
So tonight I was driving home from a Bible study, a women's Bible study, and I was struck by a few things. First of all, women are a special breed. We can be feeling so many different things at one time. It just reminds of the scene in Harry Potter, I don't remember which movie, but it had to do with Cho, I think was her name. Anyways. Hermoine is trying to describe to Harry and Ron how Cho is probably feeling and she seriously names like eight things, she is basically describing the female psyche to these boys. And Ron goes, "No one can feel that much at one time." But we do. As women we do. It is crazy the mind of the woman.
As we are all sharing all of our fears, because that is one of the main themes in this study, we are studying Gideon, those things that are holding us back from who we are meant to be and what we are meant to do, I found myself afterwards, because we always pray for the circumstances to improve, we always do, we pray for so and so to get better and for this situation or that situation, I found myself saying God I don't want to pray for their situations and their circumstances. I want to pray for them as people and their hearts and their minds. Because some of them have some horrible things that are happening to them right now. But the thing is in life we are going to have crap, we are going to have horrible things happen to us, our circumstances are going to be changing every day. So I do not really want to pray for that circumstance, I want to pray for your heart and your mind, so when you come to that situation, your heart and mind are already transformed. Because truly crap is going to come knocking at your door, at your door, all the time. And what are you going to be when you answer that door for crap, are you going to be that person cowering in the corner because of fear or are you going to be like that sturdy tree in a storm that is standing their ground because they know where they are rooted. Because truly our circumstances should not change how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about God, how we see God. It shouldn't change it.
So I found myself tonight not praying that so and so would get better or so and so would not change or whatever may be happening in their life. I prayed that God would transform their minds and hearts. So that when they come up against more circumstances that just SUCK, there is no other word sometimes to use besides it just sucks, I pray that it doesn't shake the core of who they are, that their joy is constant, and that their faith in God is steadfast, it stays, it withstands.
I feel bad in saying that I do not pray for their circumstances but truly there external and we make them internal and sometimes they do not need to be. But what is internal is what matters. What do you do with those circumstances? Do you let it shake you? Because as Priscilla pointed out in the study, God says 300 times throughout the Bible Fear Not. He says it to Daniel, to Moses, to Ruth, to Joshua, to Abraham. All these well known people in the Bible. Had trouble with Fear as well and God told them what He is telling you and I right now. Fear Not. (cue that cheesy (sorry) worship song, "Fear not for I am with you") But we do all the time. Hopefully each time Crap comes knocking we are a little more stable, a little more rooted than we were the last time. Now I need to make a disclaimer, this is not about me but about God working in me.
I am writing this to myself as well. Fear is crippling and it is not meant to shape our lives. In 1 John 4 he states that God is love and that perfect love casts out fear. Rest in Him and lay it down. Stop carrying fear around like it is apart of you because it is not meant to be. Just because you have lived with it for a long time does not mean that you are meant to.
I also think that if you are fearing something you are uncomfortable, which means you are either doing something out of your comfort zone, or circumstances have put you out of your comfort zone. I mean think about it would you fear something that you know and are familiar with. No. When you are in your comfort zone you are fine, nothing is really that challenging and you are able to tackle anything that comes your way. This is not how God meant for you to live, He wants you to be in places and circumstances where you have no choice but to rely on Him, trust Him, and cry out to Him. And truthfully that is when Crap is around or when Suck is staying for a long vacation. Or when you are asked to take on a job or responsibility that is not in your strength well house. Being pushed out of your comfort zone, or coming to the end of your capabilities is where God shows up, and then you cannot take any credit for it, but can only give the credit to who it is always due. God.
As we are all sharing all of our fears, because that is one of the main themes in this study, we are studying Gideon, those things that are holding us back from who we are meant to be and what we are meant to do, I found myself afterwards, because we always pray for the circumstances to improve, we always do, we pray for so and so to get better and for this situation or that situation, I found myself saying God I don't want to pray for their situations and their circumstances. I want to pray for them as people and their hearts and their minds. Because some of them have some horrible things that are happening to them right now. But the thing is in life we are going to have crap, we are going to have horrible things happen to us, our circumstances are going to be changing every day. So I do not really want to pray for that circumstance, I want to pray for your heart and your mind, so when you come to that situation, your heart and mind are already transformed. Because truly crap is going to come knocking at your door, at your door, all the time. And what are you going to be when you answer that door for crap, are you going to be that person cowering in the corner because of fear or are you going to be like that sturdy tree in a storm that is standing their ground because they know where they are rooted. Because truly our circumstances should not change how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about God, how we see God. It shouldn't change it.
So I found myself tonight not praying that so and so would get better or so and so would not change or whatever may be happening in their life. I prayed that God would transform their minds and hearts. So that when they come up against more circumstances that just SUCK, there is no other word sometimes to use besides it just sucks, I pray that it doesn't shake the core of who they are, that their joy is constant, and that their faith in God is steadfast, it stays, it withstands.
I feel bad in saying that I do not pray for their circumstances but truly there external and we make them internal and sometimes they do not need to be. But what is internal is what matters. What do you do with those circumstances? Do you let it shake you? Because as Priscilla pointed out in the study, God says 300 times throughout the Bible Fear Not. He says it to Daniel, to Moses, to Ruth, to Joshua, to Abraham. All these well known people in the Bible. Had trouble with Fear as well and God told them what He is telling you and I right now. Fear Not. (cue that cheesy (sorry) worship song, "Fear not for I am with you") But we do all the time. Hopefully each time Crap comes knocking we are a little more stable, a little more rooted than we were the last time. Now I need to make a disclaimer, this is not about me but about God working in me.
I am writing this to myself as well. Fear is crippling and it is not meant to shape our lives. In 1 John 4 he states that God is love and that perfect love casts out fear. Rest in Him and lay it down. Stop carrying fear around like it is apart of you because it is not meant to be. Just because you have lived with it for a long time does not mean that you are meant to.
I also think that if you are fearing something you are uncomfortable, which means you are either doing something out of your comfort zone, or circumstances have put you out of your comfort zone. I mean think about it would you fear something that you know and are familiar with. No. When you are in your comfort zone you are fine, nothing is really that challenging and you are able to tackle anything that comes your way. This is not how God meant for you to live, He wants you to be in places and circumstances where you have no choice but to rely on Him, trust Him, and cry out to Him. And truthfully that is when Crap is around or when Suck is staying for a long vacation. Or when you are asked to take on a job or responsibility that is not in your strength well house. Being pushed out of your comfort zone, or coming to the end of your capabilities is where God shows up, and then you cannot take any credit for it, but can only give the credit to who it is always due. God.
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