Do not harden your hearts

The theme of Hebrews is Christ is greater than any angel, priest, or old covenant institution; thus each reader, rather than leaving such a great salvation, is summoned to hold on by faith to the true rest found in Christ and to encourage others in the church to persevere.

Starting in chapter three of Hebrews, the author who we do not know, writes about how Jesus is greater than Moses. He says that Moses is the servant in God’s house, and Jesus is the son of the house in essence. And we are his house, if we choose to be. He built us, resides in us.

Then he goes on to say in verses 7-15

A Rest for the People of God

⁷ Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
⁸ do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
    on the day of testing in the wilderness,
⁹ where your fathers put me to the test
    and saw my works for forty years.
¹⁰ Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
    they have not known my ways.’
¹¹ As I swore in my wrath,
    ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

¹² Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. ¹⁵ As it is said,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

You have a choice to make. To Be Open.

Open your eyes and see him. I mean hello have you looked around you. His beauty is all around you. This screams of an intelligent creator, it could not have just happened.

You have been asked to open your ears. He is calling out to you. He is whispering things to you, that He loves you, cares for you, and knows you and STILL loves you.

And now you have a lot of knowledge, and you have a choice, you can either open your heart to Him, or continue to harden it.

Just as the author of Psalm said, who originally penned these words from Hebrews, will you be like your fathers, who SAW everything that God did for forty years, parting the Red Sea, bringing manna from the sky (food falling down or appearing, whichever it is amazing), the plagues in Egypt. The water out of the rock. So many things they watched and their hearts were hardened toward God.

The opposite of hard is… Soft. That is right. So things can get inside of them. Take this apple for instance, I can jab a fork into it, take this rock I cannot.

God wants to be in our lives, But the condition of our hears is up to us, will we allow him in, will we open the door?

We have a choice, it is either to open up to him, or harden our hearts.

I know what you are thinking though, you are thinking, “Erica, it is hard to open my heart, it is not that easy.”

And I would say I totally get it, it isn’t always easy.

Side note, I was writing this lesson and thinking about opening doors to Jesus and how it seems so easy. But then I thought of all those doors that are not easy to open.

I hate when doors have a pull handle, but really you have to push it, so you look like an idiot trying to pull open a push door, or when they keep one side locked, but not the other side, why, for your own amusement, and to humiliate me, but for real I hate that.  Or those times you think its going to be easy to open the door and it isn’t so your arm just kind of buckles under you and you end up running right into the door. It is not always easy to JUST open the door.

I believe one thing the Israelites lacked when they were marching through the desert was a connection to their heart, yes they SAW all of these things that God did, these amazing things, but they never let them penetrate into their heart.

So when life would come they would be thrown all around, not holding fast or standing firm on their hope in Christ as it says in verse 6. “If indeed we hold fast our confidence and our boasting in our hope.” I am reading through Exodus right now and it is crazy to me how quickly they doubt God’s presence after he just showed up in an amazing way. They had people around them with unbelieving hearts leading them astray. They allowed sin to creep in and cause them to doubt God, and in turn it hardened their hearts even more.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to be like one of the Israelites of old and harden your heart toward God? Forgetting everything you have seen and heard him do and say? Or are you going to open your heart toward him, allowing him to come in and change your life.

This is not easy, again, it is difficult. A lot of that is because our hearts are already locked up , so opening them is really difficult.

Opening up the heart, being vulnerable is scary, and intimidating. We do not naturally want to let people in. The real us is usually locked up. We have built these locks all around our hearts to protect them. The first lock went on when one of our parents left, or was far less than what a parent is meant to be. The next lock went on when someone we trusted hurt us, they took advantage of us. Another lock went on when that boy or girl broke our heart and it turns out they didn’t care about us at all. The next lock went on when we really wanted that position, or that team or ____________ that we were hoping for and it didn’t work out, so now we are telling ourselves to not even hope for anything at all. Because it is better than getting hurt. Another one goes on when people say we are ugly, worthless, and will never amount to anything. Another when your friends, who you thought were really good friends, start some bogus rumors, or even worse, they share your secrets with everyone. And we think I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them.

And now our heart looks a lot like this. Chained up and locked up.

So now our heart is impossible to open.

I am right there with ya,  exhausted with hustling with the world. With trying to make it in this world, by this world’s standards. Ya see I am not skinny minnie, I never have been I was a 9 lb baby, okay.  I hated that I just couldn’t be like the girls that wear smalls, and do not even get me started on those that wear extra small. It just wasn’t fair. I was sick of my friends using me, and talking bad about me behind my back, and literally cutting me out of their lives for months at a time. I hated myself, and blamed myself for where I was and who I was. So one day it came to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was sick of not having value, feeling worthless, running after attention from anyone who would give it to me. My chains and locks that I had been building for years were rattling, my heart couldn’t take it anymore. It wanted freedom. My heart wanted to be free.

I finally came to a place where I had to give my lock to Jesus, I had to let him in. I had to surrender, chains and all at his feet, and hope he would take me the mess I was and all. I picture crawling to him with these chains in my hands, begging him to take it all. And he looks at me with the most compassionate face, reaches out his hand, says, “Daughter, I have always been here.” And he did. I have never looked back at that person I was before I finally feel to my knees before him. NEVER

I finally chose to stop hardening my heart and to open it. Chains, locks, and all laying it at his feet.

So what is it for you? You have a choice just as I did, harden your heart or open it. You have locks and chains around your heart too. They are keeping you from opening your heart. What are they?

Opening up your heart to God is not a one time thing. It is a daily thing. It is continually allowing him in everyday. Because as we have seen with the Israelites life can creep in, sin can creep in and harden our hearts, but if we come back to him each time, our heart will remain soft.

¹² Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. 

Be around people that also want to put Jesus first. The people you are around matters.

I’m a four

Photo cred: Mady Haight 

Continuing the discussion about becoming more self-aware. click here for the first one.

I have been hearing a lot about the Enneagram, a personality test basically. Well actually I have been hearing about it a lot from 1 person in particular, Annie F Downs. Then a few of my friends have gotten into it as well.

There are 9 types.

I have taken the test. But also heard that you should read about them too in order to truly get an idea about your type. Well I am not an expert, but I am reading a lot about it. I listened to Annie interview people associated with all the numbers and felt that I was as a 4. So I read about a 4 in The Road Back to You, and feel as though someone is in my brain. This is what people have said is an indication of finding your number. You feel too seen and it feels weird. These things that we actually try to keep hidden are now out in the open. And that is how it feels while reading the 4. When I listened to all the interviews I definitely could relate to bits from everyone; which they say is true. But there is one number that you feel stronger towards. Reading the 4 was hard,  because it resonated so much it felt intrusive. Almost as if someone was invading my privacy.

Some things that stuck out to me about the 4 were not enjoying unsparingly optimistic people. Feeling strongly almost all the time. Being dictated by my feelings. Melancholy is a dear friend of my mine and it is not a scary place but comfortable. It is easier for me to feel sad than happy.

Sad songs have always been my favorite. I feel as though they emote more than a happy song. Even more I have come to realize that I don’t think happiness is a true emotion. I know it is, but I feel like it will leave, so I don’t allow myself to feel it, or I feel like it’s always tainted. This is something I am working on because it’s not the most healthy. I should be able to indulge in happiness fully submersed in it without the fear of it leaving. I also find that I never want to hear that everything is awesome from someone, I want the Real which I think means the hard, difficult stuff. And for some reason I think authentic means deep and sad, not happy. It seems slightly twisted, but very much the truth. (Don’t get me wrong I am happy from time to time)

I used to always play the victim, which  is a 4 thing when they are unhealthy, I still have to fight that urge. I actually have to ask myself, “Do you think they were trying to hurt you?” Which most often I can answer no.  I used to use this, playing the victim, to manipulate others into giving me attention. I would put myself out during group situations in the hopes of people bringing me in. Which more often than not backfired and I felt horrible about myself afterwards. Very self deprecating. Putting myself down all the time.

I have grown a ton and become healthier. But I do think the Enneagram has helped me to see that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are not unique to me, but others have them too. Which is nice to know I’m not, ya know, just difficult.

The four is known as the Romantic, which is kind of funny because I do not think that I am romantic at all. But then I think about it and I very much desire romantic things. I imagine them happening to me, they do not very often and usually that is because I downplay them and cringe at cheesy things, so of course someone is not going to think that I like sappy, thought out, acts. But I secretly do. I am just afraid to voice it, because I have been let down a lot in my life, so I pretend I do not like them so I do not get letdown, but I do like them. This is also why I do not get super excited about things in my life. I mean do don’t get me wrong, I do get excited, but if I can get hurt it is much harder for me to get my hopes up. The four is also known as the individualist. They value being unique and different. When your focus is to be unique and different all the time you can become pretty self-absorbed. I know we all are at times, but I feel I struggle a lot with selfishness.

I also think that I fantasized or idealized things in my life. So nothing really in life lives up to that and I think it must be wrong, whatever the it is. Job, guy, opportunity. 4's always think something is missing in their life. I think this is my fantasizing. Because it doesn't live up to the fantasy, then it is missing something and must not be right so I need to get out of it. I am really working on not allowing this to ruin good things in my life.

Fours are a bit more creative, and have maybe felt as though they never really fit in or belonged. I have seriously felt this way my entire life, as though I was born at the wrong time or do not quite fit with people. So it was nice, again, to know I am not the only one and not crazy. Which kind of goes against wanting to be original, but ya know I am a conundrum.

If you’d like to learn more, read up on it, or take a quiz to find your type please check out these resources. The enneagram is simply another tool in better understanding who you are, your strengths and vices and how to work through them. I am using this through a Gospel lens, And believe God is using this to help change me for the better!!!

Resources- The Road Back to You- Book

Your Ennegram Coach website

Enneagram Institute.https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Why do I do this?

(Photo cred: Mady Haight)

I remember in university beginning to not like how I reacted or felt in many different situations. This brought on a desire to better understand why I reacted or felt the way I did. The majority of these came from my upbringing, but recently I have found that I was born with some of these natural tendencies as well.

Since then I have desired to be more self-aware. I have had this desire because I want to be better in my relationships. At first it was for me and my own health, which is very true. And if I am healthy then I can also have healthier interactions with others and those interactions do not need to send me down a spiral. Actually if I am healthy mentally, I do not have to give them the power to affect me at all. I began this process by questioning the things I did, why I did them, what I was hoping to gain from them. I questioned the thoughts I had and why I went to that place with that thought instead of another place.

This first came to the surface when I would not give people the benefit of the doubt when they did something wrong. Even deeper than that I would negatively talk to myself about getting my hopes up and thinking this time would be different. I knew when those thoughts came that they were not healthy and I needed to do something about them. I actually started my counseling journey in that moment. Those appointments helped me to better bring my thoughts and actions into the light.

Every time I do not like how I am feeling about something I know that I need to question what I am feeling and why to get to the underlying issue. This is what helps me to better understand it and be able to grow. All of this is done with grace and with the aim of becoming more and more like Jesus. Not simply so that I can be better for this life, and to make my relationships better. It is with the end goal of allowing God to transform me into who I am supposed to me.

If you find yourself not enjoying how you are feeling then start by better understanding who you are and why you do the things you do. Get to the root of the issue. All of the behaviors and the thoughts are symptoms of underlying issues. Get the root and you can start to build a new foundation.

One of my roots was that guys cannot be trusted and I should not expect them to. This stemmed from my past. I had to realize that not every guy is the same and I need to open my heart to trust them, even if they let me down from time to time. Which they will. I find that with Jesus all the time. He loved people unconditionally, he did not care what he received back. I cared too much what I received back, it was always completely selfish.

I want to be better for those around me and I want to be better for me. What about you?

Stay tuned for how I am furthering my journey!!!

Things I am loving

So I thought it was time to let all of you in on a few of the things that I am loving at the moment. Some are products. Some are books or music or what not. Nothing is really off limits. Today is Cosmetics, Clothing, and Podcasts.

Cosmetics

The first thing that I am loving is the ELF HD powder. I have simply been using my concealer under my eyes and nothing else over top. I heard that was a no-no. I heard from a few different people that you must set your concealer. They used expensive, or more expensive than I would care to buy, powder. But one of them said that the e.l.f. brand from Target (and now everywhere) has a finishing/setting powder. I already had a setting powder, but it has a shimmer to it and I do not want shimmer on my face. The e.l.f. brand does not have a shimmer.

Laura Mercier (a little more expensive)             e.l.f brand                                


Elf also has a specific under eye setting powder too.



Also I use The Body Shop eyebrow powder and it is only $12.95 right now! I do not use the little brush that comes with it I use my own. But the brown and black together is a perfect match for my dark eyebrows.

One last thing that I am doing right now with my make up that is helping open my eyes and keep my eyelashes curled all day is heating my eyelash curler before using it on my lashes. Some of you may already be doing this and I am just late to the party. I have a problem with my lashes not staying curled all day, they end up going straight out instead of up. I am too poor to get a lash lift, which keeps them curled for up to 6 weeks, so I have decided to use my hair dryer. I heat the curler for 5 seconds and do it twice each eye and then two coats of mascara waiting a few minutes between coats. It has kept my lashes curled which makes my eyes more open and I look more awake! It is a win, win, win!


The next thing I am loving is the Fab Fit Fun box!!!!

I always saw people posting about it and thought that looks fun but not practical. Boy was I wrong. I have gotten it for two months now and it is like Christmas. I do not buy a lot of stuff for myself right now, I am trying to be on a pretty strict budget, so this is my own area to splurge. It comes seasonally, so  times a year. It is $50, but you can get a code from so many places to get $10 off your first box. Here is my code for $10 off your first box!.  You get full size products, worth up to $200.

Clothing

Swing dresses.

They are super comfortable and flattering. They flow and do not cling which is nice for people that are not stick thin. I buy the majority of mine from the the Loft. Click here to find some.

I also where compression shorts under them and found these  high waisted ones from American Eagle.  find them here!

Podcasts

If you want a podcast where someone is Christian, interviewing Christians about how they live their lives for Christ, the That Sounds Fun Podcast is for you. It is by Annie F. Downs and she has guests that range from Ben Rector to Trey Kennedy and many in between. I have actually heard myself say before, "I cannot find another podcast quite like hers." 

If you would like a podcast that is somewhat ridiculous but you love pop culture, listen to the Popcast Jamie Golden and Knox McCoy are gold (ha) in this podcast. They absolutely crack me up while they discuss popular culture. 

If you want real people to talk about Bible stories please listen to the Bible Binge. Jamie Golden and Knox McCoy started this podcast as well and they are super down to earth while they dive into Bible stories and their characters. It is seriously a breath of fresh air and extremely relateable. (my computer is telling me that relateable is not a word and wants me to hyphenate it, but I do not want to.)

I listen to these with Spotify, so the links to these will send you to Spotify! 

No one told me about this.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this.

I have only ever heard people talk about the beginning of their relationship with excitement, happiness and joy. As if it was perfect, with no issues.

I cannot imagine I am the only one that is not experiencing this perfect beginning. And I’m not talking about the relationship itself having issues. Because truly he is great. But I am talking about my mind that is far from perfect. Ya see I’ve never heard people talk about what happens in their mind when they begin dating someone and maybe it is more of a girl’s mind thing. But man my mind is for sure not my friend. It brings up things from my past that I thought I dealt with ages ago. But feel as fresh as yesterday. It tries to make me believe things that I put to bed years ago.

It is not my friend.

Thoughts that have gone through my mind have tried to convince me that I cannot be in a relationship. I am far too screwed up. My mind actually says can you do this? Maybe this is why it hasn’t happened for you. Because you overthink too much and get disappointed too easily to the point that it wrecks your mental state. How in the world can you handle this.

And I come to the conclusion that I can’t. I can’t handle it. It is too hard for me. But the great part about it is I am not asked to do it alone. God is truly saying to me. Let me help you.

Listening to a podcast this week with Annie F. Downs and Ally Fallon and Ally says. You have to give up control in order to be in love. This is not just romantic love, but in any relationship. We have to give up control. I am learning that more and more.

The disappointment that I feel in not only the beginning of my dating relationship but also all my relationships. They have to do with me controlling it and thinking that I have the ability to change it if I just_______. But really I don’t. I can only change me.

I recently was discussing these thoughts about my relationship with someone. They said two things that I think were straight from God. Because these are two things I needed to hear more than anything. They pinpoint exactly what I do when relationships get too hard. They said, don’t close yourself off. And it is worth it.

Ya see when things get hard in a relationship I begin to close myself off, in essence sabotaging the relationship, but it is in my terms. It is far easier for me to do this. I do this because I do not see how it is worth the pain and mental strain it is putting on me.

I will not close myself off. And I will continue to tell myself that it is worth it.

Another thing. I have often said about myself is that I am an open book. Whatever you want to know. I’ll tell ya. But with this guy I find myself still having walls up. (Understandably so because of my past). Let me say this. I do desire to be known by him. I want him to know me deeply. But it’s hard to do that if they don’t exactly ask. Ya know. But I’m finding that if I want him to know something. I just need to tell him regardless of his asking the right question or not.

Some of you may be thinking. Wow you are in a relationship. That is so great. You have been waiting for so long for this. Correction I have not been waiting for anything, God brings about what he wills in his own timing. And as I mentioned before, this has not been sunshine and rainbows. It has been difficult for me. But God is gracious and continues to transform my faulty thinking. When I over analyze to the point where it paralyzed me in fear (which is what all this boils down to, fear). I hear God whispering to my heart.  Erica, I am giving you this beautiful thing, just let go and enjoy it.

That is what I am trying to do. Let go of control and enjoy it.

What now.

As I have mentioned before this, writing is how I process my life. I share it because I believe others have felt the same way and may in some way take comfort that they are not alone. These are my thoughts, some unfiltered. This is me processing my life.


I will say that I have been blessed. Throughout my life I have not had to face a ton of tragedy. I was around people that did and I would be a shoulder to lean on. I would for sure shed tears on their behalf. But I never have truly lost anyone tragically or suddenly.

Until out of the blue my uncle died. Even then he isn't like my dad or anything right, he is just an uncle. But man that does not compute to me. IT IS KILLING ME.

He was one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. Made you feel seen, heard, and important. This is evident in the constant line at his visitation for 3 1/2 hours. I mean the line was out the door. He was a great man.

I used to think, like the Friday before he passed, that I was not swayed by my circumstances. I was grounded in Christ and no matter what happened in my life I would stay grounded. No more roller coaster of emotions. I was wrong. I am struggling. I used to be able to see the forest among the trees. I could see the end, the bigger picture. But I cannot see anything but this tree right in front of me. There is no bigger picture for me right now. I just cannot seem to go on. I know it has only been a few days and those reading this may be thinking, just give it time. But I do not want to, I don't want this life without him. He made it better.

How can someone be there one second and then not a second later. It is just crazy to me. I cannot understand it. There body full of life and then nothing. What is that.

I used to sing Even if it Hurts by Hillsong and believe every word it. Even if it hurts I will praise you. Basically no matter what I will praise you. I am seriously struggling to believe those words. I want to believe them with all my heart. But I can't do it.

This whole situation reminds me of how fragile life is. I teach people often that we do not know how many days we have on this planet. We live as if we have 80 but truly we do not know. You have to make your self right with God now. Because you never know when your time will be. And the truth is you cannot make yourself right with God, you cannot on your own. No matter how much you may try you can't. And we were never meant to, because God made a way for us to be right with him once again.

Ya see He loved us so much that he actually sent his only son to die so that you may be right with him, so that you may have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus is the only way to be right with God, He even said he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father except through him (John 14:6). The crazy thing about this is it is a free gift as it says in Ephesians. We have been saved by Grace not by anything we have done. it is a gift from God (3:8-9). Being "good" will not do it. It is by having faith in Jesus Christ, that God sent him to save you and that God raised him from the dead. Know you need a savior, and accept Jesus as your savior before it is too late. (these are only a few verses, but Scripture is riddled with verses saying this same thing)

Even more than that watch what he will do with the rest of the life that you have on this planet. It is by no means easy, but very much worth it. This planet is not the end, heaven is real and is open for you, all you need is Jesus. God loves you more than you will ever know.

It has been a few months since I first wrote this. Truly the visitation and funeral finalized it for me. They were extremely hard but necessary in the grieving process. It is still very hard for me when I think about his death. I do not think of it for very long because it starts me down a path that is not good for me. But I think of him daily.

I Don't Want to Go Back

I was chatting with some high schoolers recently about things going on in my life. One of them made a comment such as, “you deal with those things at your age too?”

I responded with an emphatic yes. To be real I still deal with all of the same things I did when I was in high school. I still have the same insecurities and fears. I still wonder a lot of the same things. Have a lot of the same dreams, except being a politician that one is gone.

A major difference though is how I deal with those things when they come up. When something happens and it opens up an insecurity. I know how to healthily close that door back up. I know the truth that puts that insecurity back in its place. I work hard to not let that insecurity run free in my mind because I know the spiral it will lead me down and the destination at the end of it is only dark, lonely, and empty. I don’t like going down that spiral because there is not life at the end of it, only death.

I have matured in how I cope, all credit to Jesus.

But oh boy do I still deal with all that old stuff. And how I have to completely surrender it to Him every time otherwise I negative self talk. I hate feeling like I did back then. Completely tossed to and fro by my emotions. And these emotions were affected by others all of the time. I can’t stand how it can affect how I see myself. How it affects the progress that has been made. How it truly makes me feel like I am 15 again. Helpless and desperate. So when moments happen that remind of that girl, I do not talk kindly to myself. I say things such as, “I thought we were past this,” or “seriously Erica again,” or “what is wrong with you that can’t get over this.” Etc. I don’t like speaking to myself that way because I know God is not. He is simply looking at me with those loving eyes of his and saying, “just give it here.”

But then again it brings me back to the person I was when I realized I needed s savior. When I realized I was indeed helpless and desperate. Maybe in a way I have forgotten that and this is God’s way of bringing me back to him again. Maybe these thoughts and open doors on my mind are a way for me to come face to face with that girl I used to be. Because that girl NEEDED Jesus. I KNOW I need Jesus. But often throughout my day I do not live as though I need him. When my emotions get the best of me and I find myself 15 again, I desperately need Jesus to help get me through. I rely on him. I can’t do it on my own. Only he can get me through.

So even though I hate when things bring me back to THAT girl. The girl in a lot of ways I do not like.   The girl that needed approval from others and found her value in any guy who gave her attention. I need to be thankful for those same moments. No, I do not want to go back to being THAT girl. But that girl was desperate for Jesus. She was helpless and lost. She knew she needed Jesus. Those moments remind me of the desperation. And they bring me to need Jesus desperately.

I can’t sleep. That is why I am writing this right now. I have to get it out. This is how I process. And I know I’m not alone. And I desire for others to also know they are not alone in these thoughts.


Just heard this song the following morning.

Lament by Seacoast Worship

This is the desperation I was speaking of. God is good. Regardless of what I am going through.