I am in my Babylon, are you?

                                                         Quote Cred Loubis and Champagne

So if you read my post from last night, late last night. You would know that I am not particularly fond of the Jeremiah 29:11 verse. I feel as though it is over used.

So you would probably think it strange then that that is where I found myself today when I decided to open my Bible at my new clean kitchen table.  I am not sure why but opening my Bible in my lap on my couch is just not as appealing as on a table. Weird I know. Anyway. I read the entire chapter of Jeremiah 29 and I was amazed.

It is Jeremiah writing a letter to the Israelites that are now in exile in Babylon. He is giving them a message from God. Now I feel as though we read past the exile part, but man I cannot imagine being uprooted and governed by someone else. Not easy and then on top of that feeling as though God has let this happen to you.

In the letter Jeremiah is telling them that God wants them to continue to live, continue to have babies, the same amount, not less. (this is a paraphrase of course, but this is basically what was said) He goes on to say that God will rescue them but not for 70 years. Then Jeremiah 29:11 comes up, to remind them that God has a plan. He has your back and wants what is best for you, not harmful things, but great things.

This hit me because I feel as though I am in my Babylon right now. Please hear me, I am not at all equating where I am in life to the Jews being in exile, I know they are not the same thing. But it kind of is. We each have our hard times, just because they are not as hard as someone else's does not negate them. They are still hard. And thinking of how other's may have it worse does not help. It may put it into perspective but it's not going to remove your hardships.

But let me get back on track. I am in my Babylon and God is saying to me keep living. Do not shut down and simply wait. Settle in and enjoy your time, be prosperous and do not live less than you would somewhere else. Because you aren't somewhere else. And always remember that God has a plan. To prosper you and not to harm you. He does have your back, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. He loved his Son and Jesus had no cake walk, so do not think you will either.

If you are in a similar place as me, where you just do not feel like you are where you are meant to be or doing what you are meant to be doing rest assured that this could be your Babylon and you to continue striving not merely surviving. Until God takes you somewhere else and your plan will continue. And your Babylon is in your plan.

Follow your dreams, not someone else's

   Free People Photo Cred.

I'm in one of those states again. Where I feel like people are moving forward without me. Its too late at night and I cannot sleep because for 1. I am thinking about all the things I need to do, pay money to so many people and then oh there goes my check, thinking about the debt that I have how it is seriously a weight. No joke that makes me not sleep. ( I am usually really good about it but sometimes it creeps up) and 2. I am thinking about how I am  still not quite where I feel like I am suppose to be.

I have this feeling like I went backwards in life. When people are suppose to be go out into the world and making their mark, I moved home and this is where I rot (just kidding only kind of) When I tell people I live with my mom and the reasons for why I live with my mom  (its cheap, I cannot afford to live on my own with this student loan debt) Most people respond with an accepting nod and say something to the effect of "that is really smart" But why do I feel like underneath they are thinking wow what a loser. And I know what you are thinking. "Why do you care what people think? You need to do what is good for you."

Man that is so much easier said than done.

And seriously most of the time I am good with my situation. It's just these moments when the human side of me takes over and I am crippled in, I am not sure what it is, what the proper word would be. But I cannot get out of it unless I do this, write it out. OR talk to someone about it. Which I am doing both as we speak.

And I truly believe that God has a plan for me, cue the always memorable Jeremiah verse, that makes me gage when I hear it. But I do with all of my being know that He has something in store for me. And maybe this time is suppose to be spent preparing me, getting rid of my debt and being in a place where I am kind of alone. As the person said that I am talking to, you are moving forward too, in removing your debt.

I feel deeply. And I am feeling deeply at this moment. The future hasn't even happened, is a long way off and I am focused on it, worried on it. And that is nonsense. Because there is nothing I can do about it. I can only cling to the one who can do something about it. He knows what I need more than I do and maybe this time in my life is suppose to humble me, who knows, but what I do know is that he hears me, he loves me, and he has my back. He wants what is best for me. And I need to dwell on that. (Whoa I just reread that and it totally sounded like a rap) (you just did it right?)

I feel as though I have been desiring a lot of other people's paths. I hear their story and it might sound like mine or just sound interesting and I want it as my own. It is almost like I don't want my own path, or maybe subconsciously I don't want to wait or go through the work/pain that my own path might require of me, so I almost want to steal someone else's life. I want their blog life, getting paid to blog, what that's crazy. Or I want your crazy business venture that you started in your garage, okay Amazon, Toms, and Method. Or I want that insane Idea that can make me money and save the world. Branded together. Or I want the missionary life of feeling called to an area and just doing it. Kisses with Kate. And I need to remember that their paths came with hardship and pain too. It is not always the smiles you see in the photos. We rarely instagram the crappy moments in our life.

I don't seem to want to dream up my own path. But maybe that is what this time is about. Stop reading about others' successes and start dreaming up your own.

Audrey.buzznet Photo Cred.

And there it is again

Does anyone else ever have this feeling that you are too old to still have some of the same insecurities that you had when you were say 18, or 15, okay lets be honest 10, when I first starting making friends?

Is it just me or when these reoccurring, reminders that I am not perfect and have many flaws make an appearance I immediately start to do some self shaming. Such as why do I continue to feel this way, or I thought I was over this. Or seriously Erica again.

Surprise but these shaming tactics do not help to get rid of the already crappy things I am feeling.

I could be alone in this, but I doubt that I am. And it is encouraging to me, to know that I am not alone. But I will say that these insecurities, that I have dealt with since I became aware that I could think on my own,  do not show themselves as frequently as they used to. That is a blessing, truly.

But I was once told that your insecurities are apart of you, they make you approachable, relatable and in a sense human. God does not want you to be anyone else than who you are, He may transform your insecurities at some point but you will never be without them completely because they are apart of you. This revolutionized how I approached them, instead of asking to be rid of them, I was praying for ways to be able to live with them. To be introspective and steer away from circumstances that I knew would bring those feelings on.

Life is not a destination, it is a process of learning how to be a better you, not completely change you. Embrace some of the things that you do not like about yourself. Mine happen to be how I think. Why my mind will go a certain direction. I cannot stand it and it bugs me so much. I know it is our sinful nature and that I should not indulge, but to me it is simply frustrating.

I know who I am, and it is a pretty fantastic person...but when I have these thoughts they bring me back to a person that I do not particularly like. A person that is selfish, self-pitying, and a victim.

It is a constant struggle between what I know to be true and the destructive thoughts that Satan is so good at feeding me. But they do remind me that I am human, I have not figured it all out yet. I am not perfect. I have not arrived. But they are not who I am, they are my past, and I have learned to talk about them. That is why I get on here. I already feel better. Thanks Blogsphere.

 

10 things I have learned in my twenties.

Here is a list of some of the things that I have learned over the years and that I think all twenty something's should figure out in their twenties.

1. You need to have a night time routine. You are not 12 anymore and your face goes through a lot in a day and you need to take a bit of time to clear those pores. You could maybe take a break for a night, but get right back to it. Your skin will thank you. Oh you have to make sure you moisturize. Your skin is losing its elasticity, and if you keep it moisturized then wrinkles will have no wear to plant themselves. I heard recently that you should start doing anti-aging skin care when you turn 20. So better get to it. Now please do not just use any old skin care products, you would not eat garbage so stop putting it on your skin where it soaks into your blood stream in about 25 seconds. It matters what you put on your face and body. A shameless plug, Arbonne seriously has some great products that do not test on animals, have no parabens, their standards are European, which is crazy because America lets so many harmful ingredients into their products. Shameless plug over.

2.Start saving some money. Just put some money away from every paycheck. You will thank yourself when your car breaks down and you do not need to use your credit card, but money from your savings. It could also come in handy to do some of those things you really want to do, travel, concert, adventure, but are a twentysomething and do not make a lot of money. But what you thought ahead and saved money. You are so smart. There are a lot of good plans on Pinterest.  Check them out.

3. Begin to workout regularly. Spend a lot of time trying new things and figure out the one thing that you could keep doing. May it be Pilates, yoga, running, going to the gym. What ever it is, find it and do it 3 times a week. I love to crossfit, I know, I know its the new craze. But I have been doing it for almost 10 months and that is the longest I have ever done a workout program. I can work on skills, it is very individualized even though you work out in a group. It is so encouraging. I love it. Go try it once, or go for a session. I loved it the first time, but I can see why many people might not. So give it a few times.

4. Create a list of things you know you do not want to do. You do not need to have everything figured out in your twenties, but try a lot of different things and start making a list of the things you do not want to do. So maybe you can start narrowing the search down to what you want to do. If you have read this blog once you probably know that I am not sure what I should be doing. But I am trying some different things to narrow down what I may or may not want to do. At least you will meet some new people, make some connections and maybe through those connections you will find what you are suppose to do.

5. Surround yourself will great people. As you know I teach and I am constantly talking to my students about making good friends. I am trying to get them to realize that the company you keep affects the person you are. "You are the company you keep." If you want to be a positive person, someone that everyone wants to be around, or simply a good person, then surround yourself with those people. Unless you like being miserable then surround yourself with people that are pessimistic and angry all the time. See what life will be like then.

6. Find some good hobbies. You need to have something that you can talk to people about. This will show that you are growing up and maturing. Finding things that you are interested in also can open you up to new friend groups. There is nothing worse than when someone asks what you like to do in your spare time and you say, "I hangout with my friends and watch TV." You know those people but you also know those people who light up when they get to talk about something they are passionate about. Be that person. I am still trying to find hobbies. I really like talking about Crossfit, which for some people is a huge turn off because then it reminds them of what they are not doing. Sorry, I'm kind of not sorry.

7. Make Goals. Life can start to snowball in a way when you begin to work the 9-5. Days go by so quick, weeks, then months and Whoa its a new year. So one of my friends has done this for years, She does a certain number of things before her next birthday, sometimes they carry over, but its a good way to be working towards something and trying to have new experiences. You are not in high school or university anymore and new experiences are not around every corner, you need to create them. For example this weekend I went to a trampoline park. Never thought I would do it, but it was really fun. We were the oldest people there without kids, but you just gotta get over it. So have things to live for, and work towards otherwise life flashes by, no joke.

8. Travel. Doing this when you are young is key. Especially if you do not have a family. You can still stand to stay in a cheap, semi-crappy hotel or stay on a friends couch without needed to recover for weeks afterward. You can also do far more walking and what not without completely throwing out your back. This is the time to travel cheap, but maybe not in style, but this is also the easy way to see a city as the locals do, cheap.

9. Enjoy doing things on your own. I am still learning this skill. I am not very comfortable yet with being by myself. Okay correction, I really enjoy it for a maybe an hour at the most Then I get bored and desire someone to talk to. I have eaten at a restaurant by myself, go to coffee shops by myself (obviously with a book or computer otherwise I feel weird), I can go for a walk by myself (even though I don't really do this often) But the truth is in your life the one person you can always count on is yourself, you can never be away from yourself, so you better start enjoying you and not being reliant on anyone else for entertainment. If you want to do it, do it. That is also a major turn on for men, just saying, that little tid bit is free, your welcome.

10. Last but not least, you can not please everyone. No matter what you do, you will never make everyone happy. Some people just might not like you and you need to be okay with that. Be as kind as you can, be the best you can. But it may not matter. I read a Bible verse recently that said, "as much as it depends on you live in peace with everyone." Romans 12:18. Even back then Paul knew that you cannot control other people. You have no say in what they think, how they feel or what they do. But you do have control over you, and do your best to be at peace with people. But if you cannot live in harmony with some of God's children, then shake it off (cue Taylor Swift) and move on. Most likely they are not close to you anyway, so their feelings towards you should not bother you for longer than a few days. (This is kind of hard for me, not because I care a crazy amount of what people think of me, but I am trying to live a life worthy of Christ, and my integrity means a lot to me, so it does affect me when someone contradicts what I am trying be, but I am working on it.) Most likely its not even you that they are offended or turned off by, it is something in them. Some people are never happy or always the victim, you can never win. Continue to be kind, but do not waste your time and energy worrying about it.

Things are looking up!

Picture found on crossingilandmono

So things are looking up.

I may have mentioned before that I am feeling a bit lost. (Ha that has been all this has been about)Now quite sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Well I have had a few things come into my life recently that I think may help me to figure out more about myself and be able to do some of those things that I enjoy.

First I went to an Arbonne party last week. Many of you may not know what Arbonne is. It is an organization that is shared through network marketing, it has skin care, make up, nutrition, body care, something for truly everyone.  yes similar to Mary Kay, but the product is of higher quality. (sorry Mary Kay) I never thought that I would be doing something like this. I feel weird even putting it out there that I am considering it. But my favorite job that I have had thus far was working at The Body Shop. Being able to help women and men find the products that were right for them. Help them to wear make up the correct way in order to make them feel more confident and better about themselves. I actually have been thinking that my dream job would be to have meetings with women, preferably middle aged, and help them, if they need it, with their fashion, hair and makeup to revive them in a way, I hope I am not offending anyone. But so many times I see women who are absolutely beautiful on the inside, and with a bit of help could build on that confidence with something new.

You may be thinking but that is superficial self-esteem, but I do not believe so. If I am wearing a new outfit that is a bit on the unique side, I wear that thing with so much confidence. It builds my confidence and makes me walk with my head held high. Do not get me wrong I am not some girl that has low self esteem and needs makeup to hide behind or clothes to make me feel good about myself. And to those that would think negatively about people that do feel that way, we all fake it till we make it right. But I truly think that my clothes, make up, and hair are a way for me to extend my personality and I can convey exactly the person that I want to be through every piece of my life. Some people may think that fashion is not important or that it is all a conspiracy, we wear what they want us to wear, but you tell me the shift in self esteem when someone is wearing something a bit out of their comfort zone, not too much out of it because then they may feel uncomfortable.

Wow if that is not a tangent then I do not know what is. I may also have talked in circles but welcome to my world.

Another thing that just happened which I am pretty excited about. I received a call last night from my mom's best friend. I thought she was calling to contact my mom, but nope she was calling me. She said that the mission's board at our church is looking for younger people to be apart of the team and my name came up. This is huge. I have a bad insecurity of not being thought of. It rears its ugly head every once in awhile. I do not deal with it that much anymore, but every once in a while it comes back. But here is an affirmation that I am thought of. Out of everyone in our church I was thought of, because I do value missions. I could possibly see myself living in a foreign country at some point in my life. So to be part of this team is amazing. I will be able to have a hand in missions even though it is not me directly being in a foreign place. This is almost like God saying to me "Until the time is right, I give you this." Well thank you. I needed this.

So I guess sometimes you just need to be patient. My whole life has not been decided. (of course not) I still do not have a good idea of direction, but I am going to take a step in the direction of Arbonne and the mission's team and we will see what happens.

Keep on keepin' on