Free People Photo Cred.
I'm in one of those states again. Where I feel like people are moving forward without me. Its too late at night and I cannot sleep because for 1. I am thinking about all the things I need to do, pay money to so many people and then oh there goes my check, thinking about the debt that I have how it is seriously a weight. No joke that makes me not sleep. ( I am usually really good about it but sometimes it creeps up) and 2. I am thinking about how I am still not quite where I feel like I am suppose to be.
I have this feeling like I went backwards in life. When people are suppose to be go out into the world and making their mark, I moved home and this is where I rot (just kidding only kind of) When I tell people I live with my mom and the reasons for why I live with my mom (its cheap, I cannot afford to live on my own with this student loan debt) Most people respond with an accepting nod and say something to the effect of "that is really smart" But why do I feel like underneath they are thinking wow what a loser. And I know what you are thinking. "Why do you care what people think? You need to do what is good for you."
Man that is so much easier said than done.
And seriously most of the time I am good with my situation. It's just these moments when the human side of me takes over and I am crippled in, I am not sure what it is, what the proper word would be. But I cannot get out of it unless I do this, write it out. OR talk to someone about it. Which I am doing both as we speak.
And I truly believe that God has a plan for me, cue the always memorable Jeremiah verse, that makes me gage when I hear it. But I do with all of my being know that He has something in store for me. And maybe this time is suppose to be spent preparing me, getting rid of my debt and being in a place where I am kind of alone. As the person said that I am talking to, you are moving forward too, in removing your debt.
I feel deeply. And I am feeling deeply at this moment. The future hasn't even happened, is a long way off and I am focused on it, worried on it. And that is nonsense. Because there is nothing I can do about it. I can only cling to the one who can do something about it. He knows what I need more than I do and maybe this time in my life is suppose to humble me, who knows, but what I do know is that he hears me, he loves me, and he has my back. He wants what is best for me. And I need to dwell on that. (Whoa I just reread that and it totally sounded like a rap) (you just did it right?)
I feel as though I have been desiring a lot of other people's paths. I hear their story and it might sound like mine or just sound interesting and I want it as my own. It is almost like I don't want my own path, or maybe subconsciously I don't want to wait or go through the work/pain that my own path might require of me, so I almost want to steal someone else's life. I want their blog life, getting paid to blog, what that's crazy. Or I want your crazy business venture that you started in your garage, okay Amazon, Toms, and Method. Or I want that insane Idea that can make me money and save the world. Branded together. Or I want the missionary life of feeling called to an area and just doing it. Kisses with Kate. And I need to remember that their paths came with hardship and pain too. It is not always the smiles you see in the photos. We rarely instagram the crappy moments in our life.
I don't seem to want to dream up my own path. But maybe that is what this time is about. Stop reading about others' successes and start dreaming up your own.
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