What is wrong with me--my transition home.

So this post is a long time coming.

How do you put things into words. How do you express what something has done for you and to you?

That is partly why I haven't finished my thank you letters, because I can't do it. I can't process it, I can't even. As the youths would say.

**Disclaimer, I am going to be extremely vulnerable, please do not hold it against me.


When I first arrived home, my transition was a breeze. I was ready for America, I needed fruits and vegetables, AC, a bed without a bug net, a hot shower, to drive, to flush my TP, to go where I want when I want. I seriously thought that transitioning after one week was more difficult than transitioning after 10. That was the first few weeks and slowly it has become harder and harder.

It started with not feeling a lot. I was pretty even keeled. No extreme highs and no extreme lows. Just emotionless. Except when it came to feeling irritated. Oh that I felt and feel often and very strongly. It is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way and it is not others that do it to me, it is totally me and my inability to be a human being right now.


But more recently my apathy and indifference has gotten worse. When I have explained this to some people they make comments about me being in a valley. I do not think I am in a valley because there is feeling and emotion tied to that, despair and sadness. Then someone said then are you in a desert season, No there is emotion tied to that one too. a yearning for things to be different and being dry and needing to be filled up again. No I think that I am in a white, blank, room. Or maybe not even a room I cannot tell because it is blank and white, which is ironic because our video series this summer with Next Step was all filmed in a white box.

I maybe am slightly angry at God. Why can't things be easier, I know he never promised that, but in my darkest parts I wonder this. I was fine with waiting, I was fine with letting Him lead. But that has turned into apathy. How did people do it in the Bible when they waited years to see the fruit, years to see the blessing, years to see the promise and I cannot make it months.

I have been wondering what is wrong with me because if you knew me at all, I care. You know that I care, and almost to a fault. I have a heart for people and helping them see that they need Jesus and that He is the only thing that can change anything. If you know me, you know these things to be true. So I have been asking God and myself what is wrong with me when I do not seem to care. I do not seem to care about anything. I do not really want to build relationships, I still continue to do so because I know that I should, but I do not necessarily want to. I continue to go through the motions if you will of church, small group, and being involved at the church because I know I should, not so much because I want to. I do want to remain faithful to the one who is faithful.

I know the truth, I know where to find it. I know I am valued by Him, loved fiercely by Him. That He has me so what should I be afraid of. I know all of these things. And they had penetrated my heart, I didn't just know them, I lived them and believed them. And now it is almost as if I have saran wrap over my heart, and things just cannot get in. I feel as though I live in a fog. Where nothing really affects me. I know things should affect me, the passing of a family member or a hurricane that rips apart a country that is dear to my heart, but they don't. It is almost as if the shock of the news evaporates before it gets to me and so it is just words, images that hold no emotional attachment.

I do not wish to be living like this, but I am unsure of how to change it. I truly feel as though it is just a phase. That feelings will reenter my life and I will have a passion for His people again. But right now, I cannot help but feel what I feel, even if I am slightly ashamed by it.

This has not been an easy transition. I do know that He is faithful, that He loves me even in my weakest moments, even when I do not necessarily know how to love Him back. The truths of who God is, even if they cannot penetrate my heart, I hope will get me through.

This song has been my thoughts put into lyrics.
Paralyzed

But for now I will not hid the feelings, I will share them, because I think many people feel as I feel after a time away and maybe do not understand what to do about it. Or think they are alone and, as I felt, that there is something wrong with them, which there isn't. I think we have experienced things that our minds, bodies, and souls do not really know how to cope with. As John said earthly beings think of earthly things and maybe we saw a taste of the above, and we cannot understand how to move forward with that. Maybe.

Until then...

Seven weeks in- The Haiti adventure

So I am seven weeks in. Crazy how time is going by pretty quickly but also at a pace that I can manage. The last 3 weeks have flown by though and I can only imagine that these next three weeks, my last three weeks here, are going to go by too quickly. I am going to begin having some of my lasts coming up soon. I am not quite ready for that.

I do check ins with the staff of Next Step almost weekly and of course, and rightfully so, I get the question of how am I doing spiritually. For the first few weeks of summer I was doing well in this department. I was taking my time with Him, putting in the effort that is needed, but I can always be putting in more. But these last few weeks, it has started to slide a bit. I know some of that is because of my own prioritizing of things. But some of it is also because no one is pushing me here. No one is challenging me. Who you surround yourself with truly does matter. And I have found that I need to be around people that are striving hard for a life that more closely resembles Jesus every single day. Not just people who need Him when they need Him and otherwise they do not necessarily care if their lives match up to what He has called us too.

All too often we get into these places in life, I am currently in one, where our love of God, or our relationship with Him does not seem to have a huge impact on our daily lives. I hate this. I do not want to have a faith that does not change every aspect of my life. If this knowledge and wisdom of who Jesus is caused His disciples to give up their lives for it, for him then it should affect my life to greater degree than I believe it is.

But the best part about this, is that He is not a God that is sitting up their angry with you and your lack of faith, or lack of effort. He is there, in your life, actively in your life whether you sense it or not. He is luring you back. And the best time is now for you to turn and change. If you are sick of something being a certain way then do something about it. For me, I am not okay with my relationship with Him to be subpar. I am going to do something about it today. For me right now, it is being honest with myself and everyone else as to where I am. And then next it is going to be opening up my Bible and spending some time with the one person that knows me inside and out, the good the bad and the very ugly sides of me and still loves me the same.

Four weeks in- the Haiti Adventure

I had been meaning to post a blog post every week I was in Haiti. But wifi has proved to be an interesting thing. I thought I would have good wifi on Fridays when we go to the beach. But the wifi is not strong enough, or it is being used by too many people. There is a food place that has great food and “wifi” but the two out of the four times I have been there it hasn’t worked.

Also the truth is I do not know what to write. For someone who thinks a lot and questions things and contemplates what is around me I do not have a lot to say. It is almost like I want something profound, I want to write something that means something every single time and when I do not feel it, or think it is unimportant I shrug it off and deem it not worthy to be written. But we are not all profound and deep all of the time. We are not always learning something that is crazy intellectual. Sometimes we are merely doing life, as we would in the states, but we are not in the states.

I am sorry for not having something better. For not being the amazing window into a world most of us do not know.

Some things I have learned while living in Haiti for four weeks.

1.     Nothing is ever on time.

No matter how much you think it might be, people are either 2 hours early (the tap tap) or a half an hour late (meals). They very much have this concept of when I get to it. This is not always a bad thing, but it is hard to adjust to when you are used to things being pretty punctual.

2.     Haiti has a smell

There is a distinct scent to Haiti. It is not always a particularly bad smell, but it is not roses and daisies either. I actually am finding that I am smelling more and more like Haiti. And I do not really hate it.

3.     Your feet are never clean

Even if you wear shoes, even if you wear socks your feet will never be clean. I am not sure how it happens, how it seeps into your sneakers but it was something that I had to get over very quickly. (ya see I very much like clean feet, and do not really enjoy dirty feet)

4.     The views are breathtaking

The mountain views while we drive up to Fond Blanc, with the different rivers coursing through it. The steep sides of the peaks with their small trails coiling around it. The villagers trekking up the paths with ease as they balance all sorts of bags and buckets on their heads. The ocean that is a shade of blue you cannot recreate with a brush or a filter. These views are beautiful. They take my breath away because I am speechless to be able to explain them. Then there are the other views that take my breath away for a different reason. The mounds of trash on the side of the road. The trash that is lining the river almost as a retaining wall. The different farm animals that have ribs protruding from their sides. The many buildings in disarray, half standing, half fallen away a long time ago and those establishments that seem to have been started then long forgotten. These views are hard for me to erase and even harder to understand the juxtaposition of the former views amidst the latter.

5.     Pit stains are inevitable

It is hot, I mean hot, all the time. There are times when it is less hot, but never when it is cold. Or so we say as Americans but the Haitians would call it cold. I am not one of the girls or people who doesn’t sweat. I very much sweat and very much do it a lot. So pit stains became something that I stopped caring about very quickly. And you know when it is truly hot, because the Haitians are even sweating. Fun fact.

6.     Nothing is easy

Everything besides bags for popcorn, oil and a soda is an hour drive into civilization. We are very much removed from normal life, which I love, but that also means that things are not convenient. You have to plan ahead.  Water, food, airport, beach, anything else you want is an hour to two hours away. Get in an accident and not conveniently located by the police station good luck having any sort of justice. Even driving up the mountain, not easy.

Two weeks in- The Haiti Adventure

I have been in Haiti for two weeks now. And for some odd reason it still feels like I am only here for a short term trip, which I know I kind of still am only here for a short time.  The sweat is a very real thing. Very real. All the time real. But it rains most nights, so that cools it down. I am learning Creole which has been helpful, but there are still some people who insist on speaking to me in Creole and I am usually lost, but they are extremely gracious and kind.

The last post was one where I was not confident in this speaking role. I cannot say that I am overly confident now, but I can say that God has continued to speak through me every single night. I practice my talks numerous times but right before I go up and speak I still feel like I have no idea what the flow is of my talk. When we are singing the worship songs in the beginning I often wonder, God what am I talking about again, what is the sequence of my words. And every time without fail He comes through and speaks through me. Every time my talk is also a little different which I like, because then I know that the Spirit is taking it. It is not memorized. But the same ideas are there every time.  I am still not the most confident, I still wonder if God got it right. If I am really the one that He chose to do this role, but here I am, here, speaking almost every night. Leading this staff of people the best way possible. All with His strength and wisdom.

God has continually been surprising me. When I get annoyed with someone or think they aren’t pulling their weight they do something that changes my negative thoughts about them. It is almost like God is reminding me that they are useful and productive even if it is not always in the way that I want them to be.  

It is truly hard to put into words what these few weeks have been like. I have, we have, had to be very flexible. Haiti is very much run on its own timetable. It is rare for things to actually be on time.  So I am having to continually roll with it and make decisions on the fly that I feel are best. I take input from the staff if I can and see what they think, because truly more thoughts are better than just my own. But then I have to make the decision, that is not my favorite part about being the leader.

I have been pretty good at delegating which I thought was going to be difficult. The responsibilities of this role scared me a lot but He has been faithful and has made me capable. I do not feel like I am in over my head at all.  I have one teammate who has become almost like my assistant for lack of a better word. She knows pretty well that when the leader says something it is not always received very well so she takes it on herself to call people out, in a loving way, and to help out in those areas. I am extremely grateful for her and truly believe that one reason God has placed her here is for that.  But also many other reasons. She connects with the children at the orphanage in a way that is truly beautiful. (Oh and by the way I have realized that I use the word truly a lot, I was doing one of my talks and I noticed I was saying it all the time.)

I am learning a lot. I am learning how to be a selfless leader. I am continuing to learn when it is necessary to call people out and keep them accountable and when it is just necessary to take it, grin and bear it for lack of a better term.

The road has been a huge inconvenience. But also a huge blessing. It has allowed the groups to get out of the orphanage and truly, there it is again, be among the community they are serving in. They have been working alongside the Haitians to rebuild this road and it has been beautiful to watch. To see them playing games with the village children or try and chat with the adult villagers has been refreshing and has inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. To not worry so much about the work, but about the relationships, because that is what this is all about. The relationships. 

Oh Moses

So I have always been pretty hard on Moses.

When God first calls him to lead the Israelites and calls him to talk to Pharaoh, Moses makes excuses. He comes up with so many and God dismisses every one of them with truth. The truth that if you have God you cannot fail.

I always was annoyed with Moses in this moment. I always felt like he was a coward and so insecure.  I mean come on, God is talking directly to you and you are going to be scared of doing what he asks. Come on Moses.

Right now I have a new appreciation for Moses and his struggles. I may make this be a bigger deal than it is, which Moses probably did too. God is asking me to speak. To speak to people about Him. But I doubt my ability to speak. I doubt my voice. My unique voice.

God, like He did with Moses (maybe not to such a great degree but it is all for the kingdom), is calling me to speak this summer. To use the unique voice that He gave me to share His words this summer. And I doubt it. I question if I am capable. I sound like Moses when I say seriously God who am I, that I should do this. (Exodus 3:11). And God says to Moses (and me), "I will be with you."  (Exodus 3:12) That is basically all He says to Moses. I am with you. Because truly that is enough.

I do not feel qualified to be doing what I am doing this summer. Leading these people, speaking to these people, and maybe really I am not qualified. But God says, "I am with you." And that is enough and should be enough.

I have not officially left yet for Haiti, still in training. And feeling as though I may be failing in some areas, but as I have been saying I feel like we are our own worst critic. But even if I fail, even if I completely botch something, He still is there. He still is with me. He still loves me and did not abandon me.

This scripture came up in my Jesus Calling today.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"I am with you."
It has to be enough.

I am not ready!

So tomorrow is the day.

Well actually next Saturday is the big day. But tomorrow is the day I officially say good-bye. So tomorrow is the day.

I have moments when I am doing really good. When I know that God has it all. That he will take care of everything here and there. When I am completely at peace about everything.

Then there are moments when the emotions overtake me. When I cannot seem to think about leaving these people. When I already feel the weight of missing them and I cannot anymore. I can't seem to think of those moments when God has it all. When I am completely content with what God has for me. The emotions become too heavy.

My emotions are all over the place and this will not change when I arrive in Haiti. I know that I will have crazy emotions a lot of the time. But I do hope that I can abide in Him to help me sort them out.

I am super excited for this opportunity. It is going to stretch and grow me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. But I know that those times, when you are being stretched are not necessarily those moments that while you are in them seem fantastic. I know that I am going to have some great moments. Seriously great moments. But I also know that I will have moments when life becomes too much. Living can become too much. And I want to curl up in a ball and just not live for a little bit. To not do life for a minute. I know I will have times when circumstances and what is right in front of me becomes everything. And I lose perspective. I have stopped looking to Him and I started to look around me. When I am not longer dwelling on things above, but on things on this earth. When I stopped fixing my eyes on the unseen instead of the seen. (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Colossians 3:2).

Many people have asked if I am ready for this adventure. And every single time I respond with, "As ready as I will ever be." But truly do you ever feel ready. When you take a leap of faith, do you ever feel ready? And if you feel ready does that mean you are relying too much on your own understanding and knowledge and less on trusting God and having faith that He will meet you and guide you and fill in the gaps?

I am not ready. I am not ready to lead, I am not ready to teach. I am not ready to live so far out of my comfort zone, for a longer period of time than I probably every have. But to me that just means that I will be relying on Him for absolutely everything. He will be what gets me through this summer. I will not be able to take credit for any of it. I do think that I have the best mindset than I ever have before a missions trip. I know I am not capable of this, before when I was preparing for these trips I knew that I could do what was required of us. (not to be prideful, I just knew that I wouldn't be asked to do things that were too difficult for me) and the difficult parts of the trip where emotional. This time I am asked to do things that frankly scare me. Scare might not be the right word, but I truly do not feel qualified. But as He said to Moses, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) Or when I am wondering what to say, when I am struggling with what to teach, just as he said to Moses "who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exodus 4:11-12). These truths will be with me.

A song that came up recently a Spotify playlist I found Top Christian Tracks, if you want to find it yourself, Thy will. Here are the lyrics that I love.

“I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here / I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart is a part of your plan / When I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt and these four words.”
Chrous:
“Thy will be done (x3).”
“I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about / It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises / Sometimes I gotta stop / Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So …”
“Thy will be done (X3) / Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is / Thy will be done (X2) / Thy will.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord.”


Read More: Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, Thy Will [Listen]

Even though I might not understand what is going on. I truly do want whatever He wants. I know His plan is perfect and I want His plan. Truly Thy Will Be Done!

I also read something that someone sent me on Instagram today. It very much goes along with what I have been experiencing in my life recently and has also been a common theme in my thought process for the last year or two. This idea that God does not give us the entire plan. He doesn't even give us 2 steps in advance. He gives us just what we need.

lysaterkeurst 
God is teaching me so much about really trusting Him. Fully. Completely.
Without suggestions or projections I just need to embrace the very next thing He shows me. And then the next.
Though the long path is uncertain, He's so faithful to shed just enough light to see the very next step.
This isn't Him being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of His mercy.

Too much revelation and we'd pridefully run ahead of Him. Too little and we'd be paralyzed with fear.
So I'm seeking slivers of His light just for today and filling the gaps of the unknown with trust.



I needed this so much, she put it into words that I have failed to be able to do. Haiti is my next step. Even within Haiti I know I will have many other steps. But God will give me just enough light to view those next steps. Trust is what God asks of us and that is what I am going to do this summer. When things do not make sense, which they do not the majority of the time with God, I will trust. When I feel as though I am in over my head, I will trust. When things are not going as I had planned, I will trust. When my emotions are overtaking me, I will trust. When things are too hard, I will trust.

I will trust in Him.

You're doing what?

So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.


What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.


The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?

I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that?  Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?

We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient.  But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.

In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.

So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.

So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer  I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!