The Box you are in, is not your making.

Today I have been watching One Tree Hill. I am going through the seasons. I have loved this show ever since it was on the air.

Let's be real I did not watch one episode, I watched 4 or more lol. Do not judge me.

But today one of my favorite episodes came up. My favorite episodes consist of them going through something real, not all of this drama, but actually real issues that most of the teenagers go through, because these episodes were on almost 10 years ago, but lets be real the issues that teenagers go through are not different. They are the same, acceptance, finding a way, being someone, being known, living, these have not changed, and they do not change when you become an adult. As an adult I still have these issues. Sorry to break it to you teenagers, it doesn't always get easier, it just changes, the issues become something else. Hopefully you find that you have worth, and then you do not need to worry about acceptance, being known, you already have it, inside.

 We like to say that it is harder to be a child today than it was 50 years ago. But children didn't really have a say 50 years ago. Things are not easier or harder, they are the same, they have their ups and downs.

This episode is 4:13. It is when they get matched up with another student and they get to know them. Because truly when in high school did you choose to get to know someone outside of your circle. They had to answer deep questions. Telling secrets, sharing something personal, doing impressions (doesn't sound deep, but doing impressions in front of people is scary, it takes courage to act a fool). Most people might think that teenagers would schluff this off and take it as a free period. But I don't think that is true. I think that most teenagers want to talk about what is going on. Some of it is because they are self-absorbed, let's be real we all are. But they are going through so much, they are in a phase of life that is confusing. They are on the cusp of being an adult, but they are still very much children. They are trying to figure themselves out and are dealing with a lot of the aforementioned issues.

Or that some people stay in the box that people have put them in, because they know it is easier for their peers, so they stay in it. And they know that when they leave high school, they can break that mold. They can be whoever they want to be. I felt that way in high school. I made a pretty huge 180 when I was half way through high school, but I still felt as though I was in a shadow, or in a box. I was always in the gossip and I hated it. When I left high school and found myself in a foreign country at school. Something pretty major happened and I did not even know about it. I knew in that moment that I was creating a new identity, not pretending or being something different, just not held back by the restrictions people subconsciously put on me in high school. We all create these restrictions for others, it is what makes us feel comfortable. When they go out of those boundaries that is when we feel betrayed, because they went against what we knew them to be. Not that they went against themselves, they broke the nice box we made for them and now we don't know what to do. They may have lied and cheated, but we all have the capacity to do those things, so they are not going against themselves. We just didn't think they would ever do it, or ever do it to us, and they did. So we are hurt. Because our concept that we built for them isn't necessarily true anymore. Or we do not give them room to evolve.

When I was in university one of my close friends, lets call her Emma, started to date this guy, lets call him Sam. They had been friends for a few years and decided they had feelings for each other so they started to date. Now at this time the Sam's friends did not like this. See the thing is Sam was a very outgoing type of guy. He was the life of the party so to speak. He began to become an intellectual, spending a lot of his time reading, contemplating life and his role in it. Thus he was spending less time being social. Of course this rocked his friends, because they have this perception of who Sam was and when he started to become something different they didn't know what to do. So when Sam started to date Emma, who also was becoming an intellectual, they were not on board. They talked negatively about her, in some ways appeared to sabotage their relationship all because they thought Emma was wrong for Sam, but yes maybe Emma was not right for who Sam was, but Sam is not that person anymore. But they couldn't see that or maybe didn't want to see it. Because it would shatter their box that they created. We all create them for all sorts of things. It is how we cope. Oh I know you are wondering if Emma and Sam are still together, if they made it against their friends wishes. Well, no they didn't. They lasted a few weeks, it was not only because of their friends that they didn't last it was many things.

My favorite picture in this episode that they do is Brooke's picture. She stands in front of an overhead projector and writes down a lot of her fears and insecurities. But the truth is, when she steps away those things will still be on the wall, but not on her. They do not have to define you.

One last thing, that has nothing to do with the majority of this blog post, is the music that was on this episode. It is amazing here is the list:

What can I do?-Rosebuds

Masochist-Ingrid Michaelson 

Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thornes- Mother Love Bone

Tuesday's Gone- Lynard Skynard 

Don't Wait- Dashboard Confessional

Baba O'Reily- The Who 

Check them out. 

Why Hello Mr. Portillo.

So life has a funny way of surprising you. The day seems like an ordinary day and then something happens that will never leave your memories.

Today was one of those days. I was eating lunch with a friend at a new Portillo's restaurant. It is a Chicago based restaurant that specializes in hot dogs, burgers, chicken. (They started out of a trailer and made dogs.) Anyway. Since it is new there are so many people there, or actually I hear they are always crazy busy, but it is a well oiled machine for sure. But also there was nowhere for us to sit, so we had to sit at the bar kind of thing, for usually people that are eating alone. Well there was one seat left by us. This older gentlemen comes and sits by us. He is wearing a maroon button up and dress pants.He comes over with a bottle of water, cottage cheese and papaya. My friend and I look at each other with the face of, seriously coming in here with your own food. But we just thought he is an older gentlemen, let him be. Little did we know who just sat by us.

Well he then dribbles some of his cottage cheese onto his hand and leans over to us and says, "I swear when I eat I become a 4 year old." We kindly give him some napkins and we began talking. He introduces himself as Dick Portillo (the founder), but we at first are like really? But then he starts to give stories that only he could know. We end up chatting with him for like a half an hour. He is so down to earth and easy to talk to. We chatted about our jobs, and he mentioned that he goes to Florida a lot. We asked how many people work here at any given point and he said 72, can you imagine, that is crazy.

One thing that really stuck out to me was when he talked about the hard years, in that trailer. He said that there were three years that were really hard and scary. Where he was wondering what he got himself into. He talked about fear, the fight or flight response. He was saying that fear does something to your mind. Either you stay and continue on, hoping it will get better, or you quit. Well he stayed and fought and look at him now.

It just goes to show you that everyone who starts something where there is some fear involved has to make a choice everyday when things are hard, keep going or quit. If you choose to keep going you have no idea what could be around the next corner. It had an impact on me. Because I feel as though right now, with Arbonne, I am going through a rough time. It has not been as easy as it was in the beginning and I am having to choose everyday, to either keep going or quit. Well I choose to keep going, because you never know what could happen.

It was such a surreal experience. We were like giddy school girls when he left. And then he came back with cookies. We got a photo with him and then others came over and were asking for photos.

4 Simple Ways to Redirect

I have been overcome recently with the concept of:

You define what is important to you by what you spend your time doing.

I have been spending my summer watching a lot of TV, Netflix may have been a mistake, and watching a lot of sports/sports commentating (but the Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup so that is done), working out, and worrying about Arbonne, you read that correctly, worrying. two out of the three of these things are in a way good for me. Working out is important for my health and well being, I wouldn't say that I am over doing it or spending an unhealthy amount of time on it. Worrying about Arbonne, Arbonne is my job so I should be thinking about it, but worrying is not going to change a thing. Now the TV thing is a waste of time, but I cannot change it by worrying about it. 

What I realized is that God, who I say all these great things about (because they are true) and who has saved me from myself. Who has guided and protected me throughout my life. Who loves me more than I will ever know. He does not even seem to crack the top ten of my list. I say that He is at the top, but is He truly. No. 

I say quite a lot, but my actions are what truly reveal my heart. I may in my mind want many things to be true. But they are merely thoughts in my mind, they are ideas. Ideas are nothing if they are not either shared or created into something. If people just kept their ideas to themselves we would not have some of the greatest inventions or thinkers. It just shows that actions, what you do is important. It is what others will know you by. That is because people cannot read your mind, they only know what type of person you are by how you speak and what you do. And they will find out very quickly if you are a person of integrity, what you say matches what you do, or if you are a hypocrite, your words do not match what you do. Then your words mean nothing. 

I need to get back to my words, or the things I want to be true about me, to mean something. What I spend my time doing matters, 

Here are 4 simple ways to get yourself back on track. 

1. Take an inventory of what you are spending your time doing or thinking about. 

This is key. Most of the things we spend time doing are not bad. It is the fact that we spend too much time on them. These activities have taken the place of God in our lives, or have taken the place of something else we would like to achieve. Or they have simply become God to us. We need to take a step back and look at our day and see what we are doing, in our down time when we are not working, what are we filling our time with. Even when we are at work what is going through our minds is key. Is it a constant string of complaints, or can we just not wait until it is closing time (cue Matchbox 20)? Write these things down. Take a normal day and write down everything you do and everything you think about.

2. Make a list of what you want to do/be

This means that you need to figure out what you want with life, and who you want to be. Where do you want to be in 5 years? What kind of a person do you see yourself being? So for example I would like to be debt free, living on my own, and doing something that I truly love. Those may seem quite simple, but you haven't seen my student loans!!! Now there are other things that I would like as well, but those came to mind first. Maybe you want to volunteer, or start a startup or be involved in something that matters. Whatever it is big or small write it down. This is your list of goals. 

3. Look over both lists, cross off from list 1 what is not going to help you with list 2. 

So in this step you need to think critically. Look over what you want from life, or where you want to be going (list 2) and decide which activities from list 1 will assist you in getting there. If it does not assist you, then cross it off. These activities need to be down strictly in moderation.  

For example,  if you are thinking that TV will be in your future, as a writer or a reviewer then watching TV will actually be beneficial for you. But if you are merely watching TV to fill time, that will not get you to be where you want to be. Those minutes or hours, maybe even days will never come back. (remember I am not condemning anyone, I am an avid TV watcher remember) 

If you want to have an impact in some way, maybe in the lives of people or with a product. Then you should probably be out doing something that can have the opportunity to make an impact. Cross of everything that is getting in the way of you being who you want to be. 

4. Brainstorm what activities you can do to aid you in achieving list 2

So for me, I need to think of ways to make a little extra money, (to get rid of my debt and quickly as possible). That is one reason why I started with a Network Marketing company. I need to spend a little more time formulating a budget and sticking to it. (its true what they say mo money, mo problems, (well its really mo money, mo ways I can spend that money) Once my debt is more under control I can think of moving out and living on my own. 

This means that I need to start to spend more time with God. Reading his word, journaling, praying, worshiping. Being concerned with what He would have me do today, not being consumed with the future. (you may be thinking but you just said 5 years from now) Yes you should have goals and dreams, and plans, but they shouldn't own you. Today is all that is certain and even then it is not so certain. 

So maybe you need to look into volunteering more, maybe with your church, with different organizations around your city, or traveling to larger cities and finding ways to get involved. Not always are opportunities going to come to you, sometimes you need to go and seek them out. Maybe you want to write, well what you need to do is write. 

Find ways to achieve some of your goals today, or take steps to achieving your goals today. What you do today may have a great impact on your future and you had no idea. 

But every time, without fail, I start down that spiral

Sometimes as I am going through the hustle and bustle of life I completely forget what I am on this earth to do.

This happens often as I work with my network marketing business or even when I teach. I get very bogged down by the details. by the numbers. by my goals. or my challenges. I get immersed in them. Find my worth in them. And then of course when things aren't going well, which inevitably happens every time because it becomes about me instead of about Him, I start to question what I am doing. If I am suppose to be doing it. If I CAN do it. How long can I really do it for.

This happens every time. When pleasing God is my focus and I am simply trying to do what I feel He wants me to do, I have a great perspective, I feel light. I feel at peace even when someone says no and things are looking bleak. I just ask someone else or I have a glimmer of my students learning something and eventually see the fruit. But I fear that I miss seeing the fruit when my perspective is off.

But every time, without fail, I start down that spiral. Where my mood, worth, outlook is wrapped up in how well I am doing according to the world's standards.

This downward spiral does not happen over night. It is a gradual acceptance of lies. It is not spending time with the one who loves me and has my back always. It is when I take a step away and say think God for helping there, but I got it now. This reminds me of the Israelites in the Old Testament. They are so thankful to God when he saves them and they have it together for awhile remembering who they serve and then the cycle happens again, when they forget. They begin to make compromises and allow people to take them down had paths and then they need God to save them again. It is a constant cycle. But I feel like I am in that cycle as well.

But today I opened by Bible app and read John 5 and it just reminded me of what my purpose here on this earth is. We often get sucked into the rat race of life. Getting ahead and getting promotions and having more money. But truly we are here to bring God glory. To point others to him. That is our purpose. It is quite simple when you think about it. We complicate it, by wanting to do everything right. By Overthinking it. So concerned with the future. instead of today.

God does not discuss jobs and vocation very much in the Bible because what you do as a job is not as important as who you are doing it for. I needed to be reminded of this today when I couldn't sleep last night because I didn't feel like I was being as successful as I should be. The list of things to do and people to contact were running through my head. I had to pray and give it to Him (a few times). Because I cannot do anything about it. So why waste my time worrying. I am grateful that I have renewed my perspective. And this won't be the last time I need to be reminded of what my purpose on the earth is, being Him glory today.

Photo Cred: http://www.evangelismcoach.org/2013/devotion-who-can-i-bring-to-jesus/

This life is a journey. A process and I am grateful for that. Because then it's about learning and making better choices, because I mistakes a lot and I need his grace to get me through, otherwise I would have been doomed a long time ago.

You look Happier.

As many of you know I recently started up with a network marketing company and in my last post I revealed one major plus that has come out of it. And truly it was one of the major reasons why I began. Want to read it click here. But little did I know that I would have another rather amazing effect from beginning this "little lip stick company."

To begin I kind of need to start at the beginning. I have always been a little insecure. I know you are thinking "What, no." But I am here to tell you yes. I had many fears that I was not enough, that people were annoyed with me, that I was ______________. Fill in that blank yourself and I probably felt it. In high school I began to realize that I was worth it, that I was worth something, not nothing. And that happened because I began to understand a fraction of the love that God has for me, the affection that He has for me. And I realized that if God who is perfect, and all powerful, and all knowing loves me, then I must be special. I began to try and see myself the why that he sees me. Not looking at me and thinking, "Ugh I created that, oh Man that is a waste. Or there she goes again." Instead he was thinking, "I love you, please see that you are of worth to me. I made you in my image, I cannot be wrong." I felt in a way that I was breaking his heart by the negative self-talk that I was doing to myself. This is where the change began. Was I cured, no, will I be fully cured, not until I am united with my savoir in heaven.

Then I started university, I realized that my mind was a troubled thing and I needed to go to someone to help sort it out. I went to counseling, GASP. I repeat, Yes I went to counseling. And it was the best decision I have ever made. (Now I truly think this was a great decision, but obviously this is a hyperbole, because I just told someone my Birkenstocks were the the best decision I made, I may use this phrase flippantly, but in all seriousness choosing to have Christ guide my path was the best choice, and I continue to have to make that choice daily.) Anyway. I began to be a lot more respectful to myself. I began to notice that negative talk I was doing, that I didn't even realize I was doing, and replace it with truth. I began to care for myself and I know now that I am worth it and beautiful and loved.

The reason I give this background is that I am pretty good with how I feel about myself. Or so I thought.

In the last week I have had two people, that do not know each other at all, tell me that I look much happier than I have in a while. This brought me to tears and it still does while I write this. It brings me to tears because I thought I was pretty happy before. But this company has helped me to believe in myself, do I still sometimes have the self doubt, of course I do. But it is not going to stop me.

 No one ever tells you when you start these businesses that they are going to help your personal growth. They tell you, you will make money, you may impact people's lives, you will have some freedoms financially and with your time. But they do not tell you when you start that you will become a better person. That your aura (for lack of a better word) will radiate a light that people will wonder about. Did I have confidence before, yea I would say that I did. But this is a difference type of confidence. I not only look happier, I am happier, which is a huge statement if you have been reading this blog for any period of time. Last year at this time, I was getting back from a mission trip to Haiti and I was very lost in my path. I had no idea what I should be doing. Read about it here. I believe that God brought about this network marketing company to help me to see myself a little more like how he sees me.

He believes in me, even if I do not, I will tap into his belief because with him I can do immeasurable things.

This opportunity has helped many women who feel as if they are stuck in life, or feel as though they are "only" a mom, which is a huge honor, but for some reason they feel like they need something more, or something to call their own. These "little lipstick companies" have rejuvenated women, which in turn affects their family. Men have been greatly impacted a well!

I Took a Leap,

In life we are always closing one chapter in life and opening another. We are exiting through a door and opening up a new one. So four months ago I took a leap. Okay a leap feels like an understatement. I was very hesitant. I wondered if I could do this every month, If I would be successful, If, If, IF. No joke I came up with so many reasons why it couldn't, or wouldn't work. So the leap felt more like traversing the Grand Canyon.

But I did it. I decided to start my own business with a network marketing company. There were many reasons why I made this decision.

The first was obviously that I needed the money. 
I had recently decided to switch teaching jobs. I feel as though this is common. You begin working some place, it feels as though it was perfect (in the very beginning) You needed it, and it came at the right time. But as you begin working there you realize, Did I just take this job because it was the first one to show interest in me. I was reminded of a lesson I learned while reading one of Karen Kingsbury's books. Just because you get an opportunity, doesn't mean that you need to take it. I started to see that I took this job because I thought it was for me, but realized that I probably shouldn't have taken it. One of the positives that for the two years I worked there made it a tad easier (and I mean a tad) was that I got paid well. Well I reached a breaking point and the money no longer mattered to me, my health, sanity, joy, over all state of being became more important.

So as some of you may have experienced I quit this well paying, soul sucking job, to take a teaching job at a very small private school. There I am getting paid much less, but it is stress free, worry free, I am a much happier person.

But the change in pay began to show up. I would not be able to pay my bills and survive. I tried cleaning my school at night to help, but realized that it was not for me. Me alone in a large school, I was freaked out. I even had to call someone to come and sit with me while I cleaned once. Horrible life decision. HA

So this network marketing business came around at the right time. This is an opportunity that presented itself and I took and now know that it was the right decision. I have in four months made up the difference in my drop in pay and then some. And I did not do anything crazy or different, I just followed the plan of the people above me.

It is not a hard thing to implement into your life and it truly fits into the nooks and cranies of your life.

A change in mindset can alter your reality.

Life is very interesting. Things seem to happen at just the right time. Like when they are meant to. I mean I could not have planned this. I wouldn't have planned this.

Before I said that I think this is my Babylon and I still feel that way. I do feel as though this is an inbetween and when God is ready He will bring me out of it. But about a week ago I had this crazy overwhelming feeling/realization. I was driving to do a spa party about 40 minutes away and all of a sudden I was struck by how blessed I am. It was a very supernatural thing, I cannot explain it (all the good God moments are). The tears were brimming, I mean on the flood gates. And I couldn't let them fall because I needed to not look tear streaked. But I was seriously overcome with how God has blessed me, has my life been perfect, no. Have I always loved where I am  or who I am (have you read this blog, then you know that is a no) But as they say hindsight is 20/20. And as I look back over my 27 years I see God's hand. I see that he has led me, not allowed me to make too bad of decisions that could have forever affected my life. He was truly like a Father, guiding me, letting me make some of my own decisions, even if they may be bad ones, so that I can learn. I had many times I could have made bad choices, but I always had this voice in my head, steering me. I began to think about where I am as well and that I am blessed to be able to come home, to live in a house where unconditional love is shown at its best. I have a job, that is not stressful, I have a business that I can do on my own time. His plan is always perfect and you never realize it until you have come through it.

Over this past week I have had this change in mindset. I need to be setting roots. I have a desire to begin to plant myself. I am being here, I am ready to make here work and not to be constantly thinking of this as temporary. I mean it has been almost 4 years. But I feel as though if we always think of where we are as temporary then we can miss out on what is here, because we are here for a reason. Stop looking to the future, it has no answers for you. Stop thinking about oh I can do this when this happens. Or when I finally get rid of my debt then I can truly ___________. Or when I _________  then I can ____________. Because God does not call those that have it all together and appear to be perfect. He calls those that he can mold, that he can speak to, that are available and soft hearted. Those people are usually the people that don't have it all together. They are the ones merely hanging on.

It is really funny how a change in mindset can alter your reality. Nothing else has changed, same job, same people, same, same, same but because my outlook has changed, everything has changed. My small little town doesn't look too bad. It is filled with some great people and opportunities right outside my door.

(Now do not hold this against me when my next blog post is about something negative. You sometimes see the worst sides of me. You are not always seeing the steady Erica, but the bipolar Erica, (not literally). You see when my mood/mindset swings, that is not always my reality, but it does creep in)