tug of war

I sometimes wonder what I am doing.

Not like today or this month, but truly in life what I am doing.

I just watched this movie that made me think about my life. I live at home and don't see an end to that. I understand that sometimes you need to take a leap, take a risk, but man I don't even see something to leap into, or a risk to even take. In some ways I feel comfortable, but then I also do not. Because I feel this part of me that is saying this isn't it. Just wait this isn't it. But then I am thinking wait for what.

I have this feeling inside that knows I am destined for more, for greater, but then this other part of me that is wondering what am I doing. I am losing the forest in the trees.

My fear is that I will sit around watching other people do great things, and I will cheer them on. Thinking if it will ever be my turn. When will it be my turn.

Why does society have to make me feel ( I know I choose how I feel) less because I am not in a serious relationship? Why does getting married and having a family show that you have grown up? Who decided that the rite of passage into true adult hood would be marriage, or a serious relationship?

My life is a constant tug of war. I do care, but I don't care. I try but I quit. I am confident, but insecure. I am vulnerable but can't be too vulnerable. I need to show interest, but can't look desperate. I need to be myself but reign it in. I am funny but also need to be serious. I want to look healthy but want to eat what I want to eat. I want to be stylish but not trying to hard. I want to be thought of but I don't want to ask for it. I am independent but I do need people. I am worth it, but why do I have to keep reminding myself.

Can I just let it go.

What we do to protect us, wrecks us

So I was talking with a friend over my Christmas break about my relationship with my brother and father.

My friend had made the comment that with one of his sister he does not have to worry as much about reaching out to her because she is more independent and will let him  know when she needs something, she is a bit more vocal. But the other sister he has to reach out because she is not as vocal and will not voice when she needs something. He had made this comment because he thought that maybe my brother and father had seen me as he sees the first sister mentioned. That they do not think that I need certain things from them because I am an independent woman and come across as I do not need anyone, I got it.

I realized after talking with my friend that I have created this persona. I have made sure to give off the impression that I do not need help or anyone. I have created this persona to protect myself from being hurt by my father. I had been let down too much, it hurt too much. So I made him think that I was fine and didn't need him or his attention or his help. But really that is all I desire.

I have created this aura that I don't need anyone, but really that is all I want. But no one is going to give me what I want because I have created this persona. Wow talk about a catch 22. So then I am still hurting because I did not get what I desire, but that person has no idea because I act like a stone.

I thought I was protecting myself from being hurt, but really I am still hurt. The only difference is no one knows about it.

We do this all of the time we start to distance ourselves from people if we feel as though there is any possibility of us getting hurt, we but up barriers so that people do not know the real us because we do not want to be hurt. But in the end we are still hurt, the only difference is we created the hurt for ourselves, instead of maybe being hurt by someone else. And we think in some twisted way that it is better. That it is better if we hurt ourselves rather than someone else doing, but really we are still hurt. Hurt is hurt no matter who creates it. We are still feeling horrible I guess the only thing that is different is we are angry at ourselves rather than someone else. Which we also think is better. But then it perpetuates this self-loathing and ruins our self-concept.

If we were simply open with people about what we expect of/from them, right or wrong, we could then be angry at them for knowing and not doing. We could be grateful that we are able to make someone happy because we now know what they want from us. Or we could have discussions about proper and improper expectations. None of which we are doing alone. None of which we are left hating ourselves. We simply need to be comfortable with analyzing our expectations and with voicing what we expect.

This is something that I have been learning to do in the last few years. I have been working on trying to understand why I do what I do. Why I continue to feel a certain way about a certain thing and trying to with grace, humility and the unconditional love of God change these aspects about myself that continue to hurt me. Try to voice what I expect and stop being a push over in some of my oldest relationships. Not allow people to treat me horribly and understand that I do deserve love and I do deserve to be thought of and appreciated. Even if some people, the only people I truly desire it from, are the last to give me those things.

Well that was a long tangent, but necessary. Wow a window into my mind and heart.

emotions they get the best of you

Now onto my emotional life.
I didn't think that coming home would be very difficult. I thought I would reconnect with old friends and just in some ways fall back into the familiarity of home. But it has not been that easy. I find it difficult to find a place, to find friends, and to be comfortable.

I go to church and it is hard for me because these people do not really know me. (that I give them the chance). I try to reconnect with friends and it feels like an uphill battle. I am the only one that pursues anything, which can get really tiring.

I made friends thousands of miles away, that is where all of my friends are and I thought that coming home I would have a plethora of friends to choose from, but that just isn't the case.  I actually do not really have any. I mean okay a have a couple but none that I want to call and share my ups and downs will on a regular basis.

This is hard for me because I have always had a lot of people around me. I have always had that one person that I can call day or night no matter the time. This is a stretching time for me.

I think that is some of what the issue is, in university I had people around all the time. Walk down the hall and you have people. Being at home I do not have that. I have to learn to be okay with being alone. But when I am alone I begin to think, which isn't bad in and of it self, but it ends up being turned into something ugly. My mind will wander and then I am crying because I don't have any friends, Ha. I laugh but seriously I am writing this blog post. I am an emotional person, I feel things deeply. I analyze things greatly. But I only wish to make myself better.

One kind of sad note that I realized, if I were to get married right now I do not know who my maid of honor would be, I do not have a sister, I do not have a best girl friend. I guess then I am thankful for not getting married right now.

Daily Goal update

So I have been doing the daily goal for about 2 weeks now and this last week went really well.

I have focused on things such as giving a well structured lesson, focusing on those doing right, staying positive and so on. I was telling my kids that I am not sure if my mood has just improved or if they have, but this last week was amazing. I actually enjoyed them this last week. It went well.

The first day I was trying to be positive. It lasted til about 1:30. My aid said maybe I should do for another day because I did not make it the whole day. I would say the focusing on those doing right has made a big impact. I find that when I am pointing out those doing what I asked it is like the Pavlov dog with the bell and the food, they all fall into line. " Hey I am loving how ________ is doing just what I asked." Then it is like dominoes I can watch the effect move across the room, they all end up doing what I asked without me actually having to reprimand those not obeying. It was great, then there is still a positive atmosphere and I am not nagging all of the time. I will continue to try it and post my success or failures, whichever.

Take each day!

So I am trying something new. 

I have been very pessimistic and my area of work has a lot to do with it. Well let's be honest, I am only pessimistic when I am either at work or talking about work. So I think the pessimist award goes to...work. 

I just do not understand a lot of the decisions that they make and I have so much extra work to do because of these decisions, which does not make me understand them any better. 

Anyway back to trying something new. I was discussing my  negative attitude with someone (I would deem my mentor) and she said that I should make a goal each day. 

So I made a frame. Inside the frame it says Today I will ... with three lines. So I will write on the glass each day and try and focus on one thing each day. 

I will also be focusing on doing this for the Lord and not for myself, the administrators and not for the students. Hopefully with that focus I can move mountains. 

Today I was focusing on Patience. I did well until 1:30. So I am thinking tomorrow may have the same goal!

A funny!

I said that other day that I sounded like a broken record and my kids said, " What is that?" I realized that what generation I was talking to so I rephrased it and said I sound like a skipping CD. They understood that one much better. HA

I like, I do not like

I am beginning to realize that I really enjoy teaching and being in front of the class but there are some things that I do not take as much enjoyment in. These include...

• grading or marking, as I like to say thank you Canada. 
• writing lesson plans
• classroom management
• dealing with their childish problems, "He stole my pencil." "She looked at me funny." and so on.

I know that classroom management is essential and I would say that I, for the most part, have them in line, but the continual having to be consistent and insistent, BRUCE, can be tiring and repetitive.

I try to do as much grading as I can in class, but feel as though I am wasting valuable teaching time. If I did not I would spend all of my time grading/marking and I do not want it to be my life.

At the school I am at we have to do full lesson plans, very detailed, which can be irritating, has become much faster.

I do not event know how much many times I have said, "I am not teaching kindergarten. If I wanted to I would be, but I am not. So please deal with your own problems and stop complaining about everything little thing."

It is a learning curve for sure and I hope that I can find some good routines for grading and what not. To save my sanity.