You look Happier.

As many of you know I recently started up with a network marketing company and in my last post I revealed one major plus that has come out of it. And truly it was one of the major reasons why I began. Want to read it click here. But little did I know that I would have another rather amazing effect from beginning this "little lip stick company."

To begin I kind of need to start at the beginning. I have always been a little insecure. I know you are thinking "What, no." But I am here to tell you yes. I had many fears that I was not enough, that people were annoyed with me, that I was ______________. Fill in that blank yourself and I probably felt it. In high school I began to realize that I was worth it, that I was worth something, not nothing. And that happened because I began to understand a fraction of the love that God has for me, the affection that He has for me. And I realized that if God who is perfect, and all powerful, and all knowing loves me, then I must be special. I began to try and see myself the why that he sees me. Not looking at me and thinking, "Ugh I created that, oh Man that is a waste. Or there she goes again." Instead he was thinking, "I love you, please see that you are of worth to me. I made you in my image, I cannot be wrong." I felt in a way that I was breaking his heart by the negative self-talk that I was doing to myself. This is where the change began. Was I cured, no, will I be fully cured, not until I am united with my savoir in heaven.

Then I started university, I realized that my mind was a troubled thing and I needed to go to someone to help sort it out. I went to counseling, GASP. I repeat, Yes I went to counseling. And it was the best decision I have ever made. (Now I truly think this was a great decision, but obviously this is a hyperbole, because I just told someone my Birkenstocks were the the best decision I made, I may use this phrase flippantly, but in all seriousness choosing to have Christ guide my path was the best choice, and I continue to have to make that choice daily.) Anyway. I began to be a lot more respectful to myself. I began to notice that negative talk I was doing, that I didn't even realize I was doing, and replace it with truth. I began to care for myself and I know now that I am worth it and beautiful and loved.

The reason I give this background is that I am pretty good with how I feel about myself. Or so I thought.

In the last week I have had two people, that do not know each other at all, tell me that I look much happier than I have in a while. This brought me to tears and it still does while I write this. It brings me to tears because I thought I was pretty happy before. But this company has helped me to believe in myself, do I still sometimes have the self doubt, of course I do. But it is not going to stop me.

 No one ever tells you when you start these businesses that they are going to help your personal growth. They tell you, you will make money, you may impact people's lives, you will have some freedoms financially and with your time. But they do not tell you when you start that you will become a better person. That your aura (for lack of a better word) will radiate a light that people will wonder about. Did I have confidence before, yea I would say that I did. But this is a difference type of confidence. I not only look happier, I am happier, which is a huge statement if you have been reading this blog for any period of time. Last year at this time, I was getting back from a mission trip to Haiti and I was very lost in my path. I had no idea what I should be doing. Read about it here. I believe that God brought about this network marketing company to help me to see myself a little more like how he sees me.

He believes in me, even if I do not, I will tap into his belief because with him I can do immeasurable things.

This opportunity has helped many women who feel as if they are stuck in life, or feel as though they are "only" a mom, which is a huge honor, but for some reason they feel like they need something more, or something to call their own. These "little lipstick companies" have rejuvenated women, which in turn affects their family. Men have been greatly impacted a well!

I Took a Leap,

In life we are always closing one chapter in life and opening another. We are exiting through a door and opening up a new one. So four months ago I took a leap. Okay a leap feels like an understatement. I was very hesitant. I wondered if I could do this every month, If I would be successful, If, If, IF. No joke I came up with so many reasons why it couldn't, or wouldn't work. So the leap felt more like traversing the Grand Canyon.

But I did it. I decided to start my own business with a network marketing company. There were many reasons why I made this decision.

The first was obviously that I needed the money. 
I had recently decided to switch teaching jobs. I feel as though this is common. You begin working some place, it feels as though it was perfect (in the very beginning) You needed it, and it came at the right time. But as you begin working there you realize, Did I just take this job because it was the first one to show interest in me. I was reminded of a lesson I learned while reading one of Karen Kingsbury's books. Just because you get an opportunity, doesn't mean that you need to take it. I started to see that I took this job because I thought it was for me, but realized that I probably shouldn't have taken it. One of the positives that for the two years I worked there made it a tad easier (and I mean a tad) was that I got paid well. Well I reached a breaking point and the money no longer mattered to me, my health, sanity, joy, over all state of being became more important.

So as some of you may have experienced I quit this well paying, soul sucking job, to take a teaching job at a very small private school. There I am getting paid much less, but it is stress free, worry free, I am a much happier person.

But the change in pay began to show up. I would not be able to pay my bills and survive. I tried cleaning my school at night to help, but realized that it was not for me. Me alone in a large school, I was freaked out. I even had to call someone to come and sit with me while I cleaned once. Horrible life decision. HA

So this network marketing business came around at the right time. This is an opportunity that presented itself and I took and now know that it was the right decision. I have in four months made up the difference in my drop in pay and then some. And I did not do anything crazy or different, I just followed the plan of the people above me.

It is not a hard thing to implement into your life and it truly fits into the nooks and cranies of your life.

A change in mindset can alter your reality.

Life is very interesting. Things seem to happen at just the right time. Like when they are meant to. I mean I could not have planned this. I wouldn't have planned this.

Before I said that I think this is my Babylon and I still feel that way. I do feel as though this is an inbetween and when God is ready He will bring me out of it. But about a week ago I had this crazy overwhelming feeling/realization. I was driving to do a spa party about 40 minutes away and all of a sudden I was struck by how blessed I am. It was a very supernatural thing, I cannot explain it (all the good God moments are). The tears were brimming, I mean on the flood gates. And I couldn't let them fall because I needed to not look tear streaked. But I was seriously overcome with how God has blessed me, has my life been perfect, no. Have I always loved where I am  or who I am (have you read this blog, then you know that is a no) But as they say hindsight is 20/20. And as I look back over my 27 years I see God's hand. I see that he has led me, not allowed me to make too bad of decisions that could have forever affected my life. He was truly like a Father, guiding me, letting me make some of my own decisions, even if they may be bad ones, so that I can learn. I had many times I could have made bad choices, but I always had this voice in my head, steering me. I began to think about where I am as well and that I am blessed to be able to come home, to live in a house where unconditional love is shown at its best. I have a job, that is not stressful, I have a business that I can do on my own time. His plan is always perfect and you never realize it until you have come through it.

Over this past week I have had this change in mindset. I need to be setting roots. I have a desire to begin to plant myself. I am being here, I am ready to make here work and not to be constantly thinking of this as temporary. I mean it has been almost 4 years. But I feel as though if we always think of where we are as temporary then we can miss out on what is here, because we are here for a reason. Stop looking to the future, it has no answers for you. Stop thinking about oh I can do this when this happens. Or when I finally get rid of my debt then I can truly ___________. Or when I _________  then I can ____________. Because God does not call those that have it all together and appear to be perfect. He calls those that he can mold, that he can speak to, that are available and soft hearted. Those people are usually the people that don't have it all together. They are the ones merely hanging on.

It is really funny how a change in mindset can alter your reality. Nothing else has changed, same job, same people, same, same, same but because my outlook has changed, everything has changed. My small little town doesn't look too bad. It is filled with some great people and opportunities right outside my door.

(Now do not hold this against me when my next blog post is about something negative. You sometimes see the worst sides of me. You are not always seeing the steady Erica, but the bipolar Erica, (not literally). You see when my mood/mindset swings, that is not always my reality, but it does creep in)

I am in my Babylon, are you?

                                                         Quote Cred Loubis and Champagne

So if you read my post from last night, late last night. You would know that I am not particularly fond of the Jeremiah 29:11 verse. I feel as though it is over used.

So you would probably think it strange then that that is where I found myself today when I decided to open my Bible at my new clean kitchen table.  I am not sure why but opening my Bible in my lap on my couch is just not as appealing as on a table. Weird I know. Anyway. I read the entire chapter of Jeremiah 29 and I was amazed.

It is Jeremiah writing a letter to the Israelites that are now in exile in Babylon. He is giving them a message from God. Now I feel as though we read past the exile part, but man I cannot imagine being uprooted and governed by someone else. Not easy and then on top of that feeling as though God has let this happen to you.

In the letter Jeremiah is telling them that God wants them to continue to live, continue to have babies, the same amount, not less. (this is a paraphrase of course, but this is basically what was said) He goes on to say that God will rescue them but not for 70 years. Then Jeremiah 29:11 comes up, to remind them that God has a plan. He has your back and wants what is best for you, not harmful things, but great things.

This hit me because I feel as though I am in my Babylon right now. Please hear me, I am not at all equating where I am in life to the Jews being in exile, I know they are not the same thing. But it kind of is. We each have our hard times, just because they are not as hard as someone else's does not negate them. They are still hard. And thinking of how other's may have it worse does not help. It may put it into perspective but it's not going to remove your hardships.

But let me get back on track. I am in my Babylon and God is saying to me keep living. Do not shut down and simply wait. Settle in and enjoy your time, be prosperous and do not live less than you would somewhere else. Because you aren't somewhere else. And always remember that God has a plan. To prosper you and not to harm you. He does have your back, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. He loved his Son and Jesus had no cake walk, so do not think you will either.

If you are in a similar place as me, where you just do not feel like you are where you are meant to be or doing what you are meant to be doing rest assured that this could be your Babylon and you to continue striving not merely surviving. Until God takes you somewhere else and your plan will continue. And your Babylon is in your plan.

Follow your dreams, not someone else's

   Free People Photo Cred.

I'm in one of those states again. Where I feel like people are moving forward without me. Its too late at night and I cannot sleep because for 1. I am thinking about all the things I need to do, pay money to so many people and then oh there goes my check, thinking about the debt that I have how it is seriously a weight. No joke that makes me not sleep. ( I am usually really good about it but sometimes it creeps up) and 2. I am thinking about how I am  still not quite where I feel like I am suppose to be.

I have this feeling like I went backwards in life. When people are suppose to be go out into the world and making their mark, I moved home and this is where I rot (just kidding only kind of) When I tell people I live with my mom and the reasons for why I live with my mom  (its cheap, I cannot afford to live on my own with this student loan debt) Most people respond with an accepting nod and say something to the effect of "that is really smart" But why do I feel like underneath they are thinking wow what a loser. And I know what you are thinking. "Why do you care what people think? You need to do what is good for you."

Man that is so much easier said than done.

And seriously most of the time I am good with my situation. It's just these moments when the human side of me takes over and I am crippled in, I am not sure what it is, what the proper word would be. But I cannot get out of it unless I do this, write it out. OR talk to someone about it. Which I am doing both as we speak.

And I truly believe that God has a plan for me, cue the always memorable Jeremiah verse, that makes me gage when I hear it. But I do with all of my being know that He has something in store for me. And maybe this time is suppose to be spent preparing me, getting rid of my debt and being in a place where I am kind of alone. As the person said that I am talking to, you are moving forward too, in removing your debt.

I feel deeply. And I am feeling deeply at this moment. The future hasn't even happened, is a long way off and I am focused on it, worried on it. And that is nonsense. Because there is nothing I can do about it. I can only cling to the one who can do something about it. He knows what I need more than I do and maybe this time in my life is suppose to humble me, who knows, but what I do know is that he hears me, he loves me, and he has my back. He wants what is best for me. And I need to dwell on that. (Whoa I just reread that and it totally sounded like a rap) (you just did it right?)

I feel as though I have been desiring a lot of other people's paths. I hear their story and it might sound like mine or just sound interesting and I want it as my own. It is almost like I don't want my own path, or maybe subconsciously I don't want to wait or go through the work/pain that my own path might require of me, so I almost want to steal someone else's life. I want their blog life, getting paid to blog, what that's crazy. Or I want your crazy business venture that you started in your garage, okay Amazon, Toms, and Method. Or I want that insane Idea that can make me money and save the world. Branded together. Or I want the missionary life of feeling called to an area and just doing it. Kisses with Kate. And I need to remember that their paths came with hardship and pain too. It is not always the smiles you see in the photos. We rarely instagram the crappy moments in our life.

I don't seem to want to dream up my own path. But maybe that is what this time is about. Stop reading about others' successes and start dreaming up your own.

Audrey.buzznet Photo Cred.

And there it is again

Does anyone else ever have this feeling that you are too old to still have some of the same insecurities that you had when you were say 18, or 15, okay lets be honest 10, when I first starting making friends?

Is it just me or when these reoccurring, reminders that I am not perfect and have many flaws make an appearance I immediately start to do some self shaming. Such as why do I continue to feel this way, or I thought I was over this. Or seriously Erica again.

Surprise but these shaming tactics do not help to get rid of the already crappy things I am feeling.

I could be alone in this, but I doubt that I am. And it is encouraging to me, to know that I am not alone. But I will say that these insecurities, that I have dealt with since I became aware that I could think on my own,  do not show themselves as frequently as they used to. That is a blessing, truly.

But I was once told that your insecurities are apart of you, they make you approachable, relatable and in a sense human. God does not want you to be anyone else than who you are, He may transform your insecurities at some point but you will never be without them completely because they are apart of you. This revolutionized how I approached them, instead of asking to be rid of them, I was praying for ways to be able to live with them. To be introspective and steer away from circumstances that I knew would bring those feelings on.

Life is not a destination, it is a process of learning how to be a better you, not completely change you. Embrace some of the things that you do not like about yourself. Mine happen to be how I think. Why my mind will go a certain direction. I cannot stand it and it bugs me so much. I know it is our sinful nature and that I should not indulge, but to me it is simply frustrating.

I know who I am, and it is a pretty fantastic person...but when I have these thoughts they bring me back to a person that I do not particularly like. A person that is selfish, self-pitying, and a victim.

It is a constant struggle between what I know to be true and the destructive thoughts that Satan is so good at feeding me. But they do remind me that I am human, I have not figured it all out yet. I am not perfect. I have not arrived. But they are not who I am, they are my past, and I have learned to talk about them. That is why I get on here. I already feel better. Thanks Blogsphere.

 

Cheers to that!

Wow it has been a little while.
I have had a few new additions to my life. No I am not talking about kids. Let's clarify that rumor right now. I began a side business.

I began selling Arbonne. If you do not know what Arbonne is it is a skincare, makeup, bodycare, and nutrition company that follows high standards for their products. It has been going well. With anything you do or risks you take, of course you will have hesitation or moments when you completely question everything. But I do believe that I am suppose to be doing this.

Arbonne has meet a lot of the needs that I have been thinking about. I am able to help women with their outsides. I am creating relationships with these women. I will hopefully have a team and then I can mentor them just as the person above me is mentoring me. I love to recommend good products to people. So to summarize. Check, Check, Check. It is meeting a lot of these needs that I feel as though I am missing.

I also have joined the mission team at my church which is pretty sweet. This is satisfying the major helping others desire that I have. I may not be the one that is doing the mission work yet, but until that point I am having a hand in those that are on the mission field right now. I went to my first meeting and it is nice to be around people of a different age demographic, of course that was a nice way of saying older than I am, did you catch that). And somehow I am going to be the secretary for this next year, how did that happen.

I am really excited to see where Arbonne takes me. I am taking each day, each spa party at a time and simply seeing what God wants to do with it. I took a step, a risk and am taking it a step at a time.

Sometimes I feel as though we need to slow down, take a step back to truly see what we are suppose to do. I had to simplify my life a bit, take a step back and really think about what you like, what you are good at or what you are missing and try to find things that meet those needs, or stay open to opportunities that could meet those needs. Arbonne from the outside does not look like it would meet any of my needs except financially, but on the inside it meets almost all of the them.

I am beginning to be myself again, the last two years really took a toll on me. To Cheers to that.