No Matter What

During my recent trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina accompanied by a group of high schoolers and a hand full of leaders, we went through the story of Abraham for our daily devotions.

The reason we chose Abraham's story is because our them was Riding the Wave for the week and we thought that Abraham did a good job of riding the wave that was put in front of him. Yes he made mistakes but he came back to God each time, God was faithful throughout, and in turn Abraham became more and more faithful to God.

The climax of Abraham's story, or the part of his story that people know the most, is when God asks him to sacrifice his one and only son Issac. This seems super odd to us. But Abraham was trusting God. He knew God's character so well that he knew it would all work. He saw God be faithful throughout his entire life, so why would God stop being faithful now.

The question from our devotion that day that still nags at me is this

Would you follow God no matter what?


I thought about that. That Isaac was Abraham's no matter what. And God asked Abraham to trust him with Isaac. To trust him with his no matter what.

 My follow-up question is what nags me. My follow-up question is this.

What is my no matter what?

 It's easy to say that yes I would follow God no matter what. But when push comes to shove what is that one part that I don't know if I can follow Him in, trust Him with it.

 It's easy to say that yes I trust God but when that one thing comes my way will I be able to trust him?

And I believe that our no matter what's change. And that we may not know what they are until they come our way.

There is a part of me that thinks I am very much living through my NO MATTER WHAT right now.

I do not have financial security, job security, I am far from stability in many areas in my life. The unknown has always scared me, kept me up at night, caused stress and anxiety. And my future is so unknown right now that I should be curled up in a ball. But I am not. I am choosing to trust even though everything is screaming at me to create my own future.  Everything is telling me to take control. To plan.

But then there is this whisper, wait, this whisper that sends peace throughout my entire body, and mind. It puts a smile on my face and reassures every inch of me that I am on the right path. That trusting him with everything is better than anything I could plan, plot,  or create. This is a better way of life. I am not stressing or worried, because He is going to create it for me. I merely have to walk it.

When I plan my own way, it is riddled with stress and anxiety because I am planning it myself. It is up to me, I created it, and I can make it fail.  Yes God is still in it, but I think it is up to me to make it succeed. But if God creates it, I know it will not fail. Yes I may step out of line, or I may make mistakes, but His plan will still prevail and will not fail. His plan will succeed even in spite of us.

How cool is that?!

So what is your NO MATTER WHAT? What part of your life are you still clinging to? What keeps you up at night? Because I think He may be asking that of you, to lay it at his feet and trust Him with every aspect of your life. He does not just want a part of you, as said in Revelation. He wants all of you. He tells you in Matthew to deny yourself take up your cross and follow him. In John He must become greater I must become less.

What is it for you? Are you going to continue to cling to it, to plan it out yourself, to create your own future, safe haven whatever it might be. Or are you going to stop living a life of stress and anxiety, thrown by the waves of life, as described in Ephesians. Or are you going to Ride the Wave. Which is a much more enjoyable way to live life don't ya think. With Him leading it, (giving you the waves and you on top of the wave, almost as if Jesus were your board. Navigating the wave.) Because there is only one way to live life and live it to the fullest, and that is with Jesus.

So what is your No Matter what? And what are you going to do about it. Hold it or lay it down.

Ride the wave or let the waves continually hit you and knock you over. It is up to you, always has been and always will be!

I once had plans too

Crazy to think that I am so close to not having a 2 in the front of my age anymore.

Shirt I bought for my bday from Salato on Etsy.

I often make jokes when I am working with the high schoolers and college students when they tell me their plans. I often reply, with a far off look in my eyes, I had plans once too. It is a joke. But really I once dreamt what my life would look like when I was 30. That by that time I would basically have figured out my life and then the rest of my life would be living it out. That by 30 I would have a stable job, be in a stable relationship (marriage) and be working on kid 3 of 6. (yea I know 6 is a lot). That I may be fostering a few children as well. I may at this point work from home, or work part time so that I can be there to raise my kids, and see the big moments. I thought I would have a house of my own, that was beautifully decorated and lived in. That was warm and welcoming and far from perfect, but perfect to me. That I would sit on my front porch, or back deck in the evenings after everyone was put to sleep and my husband and I would reflect on the day while sipping tea or some other hot beverage, marveling at how great our life was, how full (in a good way not in a stressed out way).

But this is not my reality. Life has a way of changing our dream, if we like it or not.

I am almost thirty. With no stable job in the near future, no stable relationship (well no relationship at all, in that way). No kids of my own, but plenty that I am in regular contact with. No house to call my own, but the one I do live in is pretty cutely decorated (I actually missed my living room when I was in Haiti, the chairs mostly, because we did not really have comfy things to sit on in Haiti, true story). I do not have a front porch or deck to sit on and marvel at my life. But when I have a chance to do that at someone else's house I take full advantage.

It is almost as if I have all of those above things, in the life I dreamed about, but just in a different way. I do have a job, of being a Christ follower and pointing people to him if that isn't a full time 24/7 type of job or way of life than I don't know what is. I do have a stable relationship, with my friends and with my Lord (which is probably the most stable relationship I will ever have.) As mentioned above I do have children that I am influencing all the time, school, youth group, church. I also have a great home, it may not be my "own" but I have made it such. I may not have a deck, but I reflect on life often. And I do work part time so that I have more time to pour into the students that God has placed in my life. So in a way I am watching them grow up.

See what I did there, instead of looking at the life I dreamed about and noticing that I do not have that, that I am not there. I am seeing how I actually do have those things, just in a way that I did not expect. And isn't that exactly how God works. He rarely, if ever, shows up or works in ways that we, as humans, might think He will.

So as I reflect on my last 3 decades of life, I would not change a thing. The good, the bad, the very ugly, the things I want to hide, the awesome experiences, the plans that didn't pan out, the heartbreak, the tears, the laughter, the goodbyes, the changes, the transitions, the whys, and the why mes, the coveting, the comparing, the highs and the lows, the low self esteem, the everything. I wouldn't change any of it. Because it has brought me to this point, this moment in time, this exact place and I can say with all assurance that I am good. I like my life (the crazy upside downness of it all). The instability of it all. Because it has forced me to trust, to trust God with it all and guess what He has showed up, He always does. But we often question if He will, but as was said in Malachi,  (3:10)Put him to the test and see what He does. (Do not take that out of context, it is meaning put your money where your mouth is and trust him, and see if he is who he says he is)

I have learned to trust him over the last 30 years in ways that I could not have fathomed. With my heart, my finances, my mind, my relationship status, my job, my direction, my purpose, my friendships.

30 isn't so bad. Anyone who is older than me is thinking, "No it isn't bad, and no I didn't have my life together either." Anyone younger than me is thinking that is too old, and probably also thinking that by 30 they need to have their life together too.

So here is to the next 30 and I will probably also feel like I do not have life figured out, but what I do know is who my focus is on and that changes everything and directs everything I do, best decision I made, to follow Christ. I am less stressed, I am less worried, less fearful, because my God is big and can handle it all. More focused on being positive, and loving others and truly trying to live like Jesus when he was on this planet. Those are my goals for the next 30.

I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

Rediscovering Christmas 3

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Rediscovering Christmas 
Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Mark 9:33-37

This passage is when Jesus asks his disciples what they were talking about. They do not want to tell him because they were arguing about who was the greatest or as I say, the favorite. Then he tells them that they need to serve. And being a servant means you are the lowest. PERIOD. Then it doesn't matter where you rank because you, by being a servant, have placed yourself on the bottom.

My human side of me starts to rebuke that a bit, and thinks that it is self deprecating to live like this. Then people will walk all over you. You will need to at some point stick up for yourself. Then I remember Jesus. Who could have come into this world in a blaze of glory, but he didn't. He came in as a helpless, fragile, baby. And not with a crazy reception, in a beautiful home/inn. Where everyone was there to witness it. But in a stable or cave with no witnesses but the mother and the father. He could have risen into power. But He chose to spend most of his time with those that were not powerful, that were placed on the outside of society. He made himself low with every choice he made, the connections he had, and even where he spent his time.

The next part of this section Jesus brings a child to himself and remarks that anyone who receives a child in Jesus's name receives Jesus and whoever receives Jesus receives the one who sent Jesus, the father, God.

Right after Jesus talks about being a servant and making yourself last, he talks about receiving a child. I do not think these are separate I think they go together. People to do not often think of children well. Not that they dislike them, but more so that children are naive and cannot contribute to society yet... the list can go on. I think of the saying "A child should be seen and not heard." They do not have anything meaningful to contribute. But here Jesus is saying that they do, they have meaning, they should be thought of, welcomed in, brought up, received. I would make the parallel that children are low, just as a servant is meant to be low. That children are like the outsiders that Jesus strove to connect with. And we must connect with them too, not just when they get older, but now, when they are young. They do have contributions, we think they are naive, but really they trust wholeheartedly. They have not been tainted by the world yet. They trust because they have not been given a reason not to yet.

It is interesting to think that a child/children were so close to Jesus that he was able to take one in his arms with ease. Children were around him and He didn't seem to mind.

Where do you spend the majority of your time, who is there, what are you doing? Are you serving, or being served? Take time this Christmas season to serve.

Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Matthew 1- the genealogy of Jesus.

I have been reading a book called The Grace of God by Andy Stanley for the college group that I help out with at my church. It has reminded me that God uses the least likely people, or the people who did not have perfect lives, to bring about his ultimate promise.

Looking through the bloodline of Jesus it is riddled with adulterers, liars, murderers, a prostitute, but more importantly changed people. All of these people  made mistakes, and some mistakes were pretty huge mistakes, but God still chose to use them, to bring Jesus into this world. That is grace. That is redemption.

Judah for example slept with his daughter in law, unknowingly- after treating her horribly, Rahab a prostitute and not a Jew, but a converted Jew, David who slept with someone else's wife, then killed her husband to cover it up. When the wife is mentioned in the genealogy there was an indiscretion, that son that was born by those parents, when they are both mentioned, was formed through an extremely sinful act or by a defiled person. But God still chose to use them and Matthew chose to mention them. I do not think that He chose to mention them to bring shame to them, but to show the grace of our God. The entire Bible is a story about Grace, and what more fitting way that our savior was brought into this world through grace story after grace story after grace story.

Then we come to Joseph, who God would choose to father his son Jesus. I cannot imagine what Joseph had to be feeling to deserve such an honor. I feel as though he was feeling one of two things initially, very flattered and honored, or why me, I cannot do this. You are asking too much. Or maybe it was a combination of the two. Or maybe one came first, and another, after it started to sink in, came later. Also thinking about how all of these previous generations that are mentioned in Matthew 1 were anticipating this, expecting it, how did that affected Joseph. People and their expectations can reek havoc on our self concept and also on what is being asked of us.  Other's expectations have no influence on what our God is capable of, if he is asking you to do it, it is less about you and more about Him. He will not fail, He will follow through.

Usually when I am asked to do something that scares me I am in shock at first, because why else would I agree, then almost immediately after I say yes self doubt creeps in. Then while I am doing it God makes it happen. God makes me strong enough, or capable enough. He allows me to rise the occasion. But the time in between being asked and actually performing said action, anxiety can have its way with me. I very much have to choose to either let anxiety take over or give it to God. This choice is almost daily.

So what is God asking you to do that seems ridiculous. I challenge you to make a plan to accomplish this. You can do it, and more importantly if He is asking you to, you cannot fail.

Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!