Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

What is wrong with me--my transition home.

So this post is a long time coming.

How do you put things into words. How do you express what something has done for you and to you?

That is partly why I haven't finished my thank you letters, because I can't do it. I can't process it, I can't even. As the youths would say.

**Disclaimer, I am going to be extremely vulnerable, please do not hold it against me.


When I first arrived home, my transition was a breeze. I was ready for America, I needed fruits and vegetables, AC, a bed without a bug net, a hot shower, to drive, to flush my TP, to go where I want when I want. I seriously thought that transitioning after one week was more difficult than transitioning after 10. That was the first few weeks and slowly it has become harder and harder.

It started with not feeling a lot. I was pretty even keeled. No extreme highs and no extreme lows. Just emotionless. Except when it came to feeling irritated. Oh that I felt and feel often and very strongly. It is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way and it is not others that do it to me, it is totally me and my inability to be a human being right now.


But more recently my apathy and indifference has gotten worse. When I have explained this to some people they make comments about me being in a valley. I do not think I am in a valley because there is feeling and emotion tied to that, despair and sadness. Then someone said then are you in a desert season, No there is emotion tied to that one too. a yearning for things to be different and being dry and needing to be filled up again. No I think that I am in a white, blank, room. Or maybe not even a room I cannot tell because it is blank and white, which is ironic because our video series this summer with Next Step was all filmed in a white box.

I maybe am slightly angry at God. Why can't things be easier, I know he never promised that, but in my darkest parts I wonder this. I was fine with waiting, I was fine with letting Him lead. But that has turned into apathy. How did people do it in the Bible when they waited years to see the fruit, years to see the blessing, years to see the promise and I cannot make it months.

I have been wondering what is wrong with me because if you knew me at all, I care. You know that I care, and almost to a fault. I have a heart for people and helping them see that they need Jesus and that He is the only thing that can change anything. If you know me, you know these things to be true. So I have been asking God and myself what is wrong with me when I do not seem to care. I do not seem to care about anything. I do not really want to build relationships, I still continue to do so because I know that I should, but I do not necessarily want to. I continue to go through the motions if you will of church, small group, and being involved at the church because I know I should, not so much because I want to. I do want to remain faithful to the one who is faithful.

I know the truth, I know where to find it. I know I am valued by Him, loved fiercely by Him. That He has me so what should I be afraid of. I know all of these things. And they had penetrated my heart, I didn't just know them, I lived them and believed them. And now it is almost as if I have saran wrap over my heart, and things just cannot get in. I feel as though I live in a fog. Where nothing really affects me. I know things should affect me, the passing of a family member or a hurricane that rips apart a country that is dear to my heart, but they don't. It is almost as if the shock of the news evaporates before it gets to me and so it is just words, images that hold no emotional attachment.

I do not wish to be living like this, but I am unsure of how to change it. I truly feel as though it is just a phase. That feelings will reenter my life and I will have a passion for His people again. But right now, I cannot help but feel what I feel, even if I am slightly ashamed by it.

This has not been an easy transition. I do know that He is faithful, that He loves me even in my weakest moments, even when I do not necessarily know how to love Him back. The truths of who God is, even if they cannot penetrate my heart, I hope will get me through.

This song has been my thoughts put into lyrics.
Paralyzed

But for now I will not hid the feelings, I will share them, because I think many people feel as I feel after a time away and maybe do not understand what to do about it. Or think they are alone and, as I felt, that there is something wrong with them, which there isn't. I think we have experienced things that our minds, bodies, and souls do not really know how to cope with. As John said earthly beings think of earthly things and maybe we saw a taste of the above, and we cannot understand how to move forward with that. Maybe.

Until then...

Seven weeks in- The Haiti adventure

So I am seven weeks in. Crazy how time is going by pretty quickly but also at a pace that I can manage. The last 3 weeks have flown by though and I can only imagine that these next three weeks, my last three weeks here, are going to go by too quickly. I am going to begin having some of my lasts coming up soon. I am not quite ready for that.

I do check ins with the staff of Next Step almost weekly and of course, and rightfully so, I get the question of how am I doing spiritually. For the first few weeks of summer I was doing well in this department. I was taking my time with Him, putting in the effort that is needed, but I can always be putting in more. But these last few weeks, it has started to slide a bit. I know some of that is because of my own prioritizing of things. But some of it is also because no one is pushing me here. No one is challenging me. Who you surround yourself with truly does matter. And I have found that I need to be around people that are striving hard for a life that more closely resembles Jesus every single day. Not just people who need Him when they need Him and otherwise they do not necessarily care if their lives match up to what He has called us too.

All too often we get into these places in life, I am currently in one, where our love of God, or our relationship with Him does not seem to have a huge impact on our daily lives. I hate this. I do not want to have a faith that does not change every aspect of my life. If this knowledge and wisdom of who Jesus is caused His disciples to give up their lives for it, for him then it should affect my life to greater degree than I believe it is.

But the best part about this, is that He is not a God that is sitting up their angry with you and your lack of faith, or lack of effort. He is there, in your life, actively in your life whether you sense it or not. He is luring you back. And the best time is now for you to turn and change. If you are sick of something being a certain way then do something about it. For me, I am not okay with my relationship with Him to be subpar. I am going to do something about it today. For me right now, it is being honest with myself and everyone else as to where I am. And then next it is going to be opening up my Bible and spending some time with the one person that knows me inside and out, the good the bad and the very ugly sides of me and still loves me the same.

Four weeks in- the Haiti Adventure

I had been meaning to post a blog post every week I was in Haiti. But wifi has proved to be an interesting thing. I thought I would have good wifi on Fridays when we go to the beach. But the wifi is not strong enough, or it is being used by too many people. There is a food place that has great food and “wifi” but the two out of the four times I have been there it hasn’t worked.

Also the truth is I do not know what to write. For someone who thinks a lot and questions things and contemplates what is around me I do not have a lot to say. It is almost like I want something profound, I want to write something that means something every single time and when I do not feel it, or think it is unimportant I shrug it off and deem it not worthy to be written. But we are not all profound and deep all of the time. We are not always learning something that is crazy intellectual. Sometimes we are merely doing life, as we would in the states, but we are not in the states.

I am sorry for not having something better. For not being the amazing window into a world most of us do not know.

Some things I have learned while living in Haiti for four weeks.

1.     Nothing is ever on time.

No matter how much you think it might be, people are either 2 hours early (the tap tap) or a half an hour late (meals). They very much have this concept of when I get to it. This is not always a bad thing, but it is hard to adjust to when you are used to things being pretty punctual.

2.     Haiti has a smell

There is a distinct scent to Haiti. It is not always a particularly bad smell, but it is not roses and daisies either. I actually am finding that I am smelling more and more like Haiti. And I do not really hate it.

3.     Your feet are never clean

Even if you wear shoes, even if you wear socks your feet will never be clean. I am not sure how it happens, how it seeps into your sneakers but it was something that I had to get over very quickly. (ya see I very much like clean feet, and do not really enjoy dirty feet)

4.     The views are breathtaking

The mountain views while we drive up to Fond Blanc, with the different rivers coursing through it. The steep sides of the peaks with their small trails coiling around it. The villagers trekking up the paths with ease as they balance all sorts of bags and buckets on their heads. The ocean that is a shade of blue you cannot recreate with a brush or a filter. These views are beautiful. They take my breath away because I am speechless to be able to explain them. Then there are the other views that take my breath away for a different reason. The mounds of trash on the side of the road. The trash that is lining the river almost as a retaining wall. The different farm animals that have ribs protruding from their sides. The many buildings in disarray, half standing, half fallen away a long time ago and those establishments that seem to have been started then long forgotten. These views are hard for me to erase and even harder to understand the juxtaposition of the former views amidst the latter.

5.     Pit stains are inevitable

It is hot, I mean hot, all the time. There are times when it is less hot, but never when it is cold. Or so we say as Americans but the Haitians would call it cold. I am not one of the girls or people who doesn’t sweat. I very much sweat and very much do it a lot. So pit stains became something that I stopped caring about very quickly. And you know when it is truly hot, because the Haitians are even sweating. Fun fact.

6.     Nothing is easy

Everything besides bags for popcorn, oil and a soda is an hour drive into civilization. We are very much removed from normal life, which I love, but that also means that things are not convenient. You have to plan ahead.  Water, food, airport, beach, anything else you want is an hour to two hours away. Get in an accident and not conveniently located by the police station good luck having any sort of justice. Even driving up the mountain, not easy.

Two weeks in- The Haiti Adventure

I have been in Haiti for two weeks now. And for some odd reason it still feels like I am only here for a short term trip, which I know I kind of still am only here for a short time.  The sweat is a very real thing. Very real. All the time real. But it rains most nights, so that cools it down. I am learning Creole which has been helpful, but there are still some people who insist on speaking to me in Creole and I am usually lost, but they are extremely gracious and kind.

The last post was one where I was not confident in this speaking role. I cannot say that I am overly confident now, but I can say that God has continued to speak through me every single night. I practice my talks numerous times but right before I go up and speak I still feel like I have no idea what the flow is of my talk. When we are singing the worship songs in the beginning I often wonder, God what am I talking about again, what is the sequence of my words. And every time without fail He comes through and speaks through me. Every time my talk is also a little different which I like, because then I know that the Spirit is taking it. It is not memorized. But the same ideas are there every time.  I am still not the most confident, I still wonder if God got it right. If I am really the one that He chose to do this role, but here I am, here, speaking almost every night. Leading this staff of people the best way possible. All with His strength and wisdom.

God has continually been surprising me. When I get annoyed with someone or think they aren’t pulling their weight they do something that changes my negative thoughts about them. It is almost like God is reminding me that they are useful and productive even if it is not always in the way that I want them to be.  

It is truly hard to put into words what these few weeks have been like. I have, we have, had to be very flexible. Haiti is very much run on its own timetable. It is rare for things to actually be on time.  So I am having to continually roll with it and make decisions on the fly that I feel are best. I take input from the staff if I can and see what they think, because truly more thoughts are better than just my own. But then I have to make the decision, that is not my favorite part about being the leader.

I have been pretty good at delegating which I thought was going to be difficult. The responsibilities of this role scared me a lot but He has been faithful and has made me capable. I do not feel like I am in over my head at all.  I have one teammate who has become almost like my assistant for lack of a better word. She knows pretty well that when the leader says something it is not always received very well so she takes it on herself to call people out, in a loving way, and to help out in those areas. I am extremely grateful for her and truly believe that one reason God has placed her here is for that.  But also many other reasons. She connects with the children at the orphanage in a way that is truly beautiful. (Oh and by the way I have realized that I use the word truly a lot, I was doing one of my talks and I noticed I was saying it all the time.)

I am learning a lot. I am learning how to be a selfless leader. I am continuing to learn when it is necessary to call people out and keep them accountable and when it is just necessary to take it, grin and bear it for lack of a better term.

The road has been a huge inconvenience. But also a huge blessing. It has allowed the groups to get out of the orphanage and truly, there it is again, be among the community they are serving in. They have been working alongside the Haitians to rebuild this road and it has been beautiful to watch. To see them playing games with the village children or try and chat with the adult villagers has been refreshing and has inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. To not worry so much about the work, but about the relationships, because that is what this is all about. The relationships.