You cannot go wrong doing what God asks of you

Two in one week, count yourselves lucky. Just kidding

So I have not been very good about posting blog posts recently. It could be because I got busy with school and what not, but I feel as though that is an excuse. Sometimes what it is, is that I am being Lazy or that I do not feel as though I have anything worthy to say, I am being insecure. But this is something that I think people would like to know.

After I returned from Haiti the first time and the second time I felt as though it was not long enough. That the trip was too short. Well after going this summer I thought very seriously about going back for an entire summer. I knew when the deadlines were and I was ready to make it happen. But then life got in the way.

What I mean about that is that I started to have doubts. The devil truly was at work in my mind convincing me that I did not need to do this and there were so many reasons. I was too old, I know some of you are thinking stop it you are not, I could still do fun things with the youth this summer. A whole summer is a long time. I am not capable of leading the team or speaking up front. Whatever excuse there is in that so called book, I thought it.

Recently I have started to see a new way in my life that the devil tries to get ahold of. He merely tries to get us to not do what God is asking us to do.  I know that you thinking well duh. But I am even thinking the simple and small, everyday things. You have this nudging from the Spirit and then your mind gets in the way and starts coming up with excuses as to why you shouldn't do it. What if they don't like it, what if they think I am weird, what if, what if, what if. Then you do not do it. You have not been obedient, and you have allowed fear, because lets be honest that is what is happening, take over. I began to see that the things that God is asking of me, are for the most part selfless. Like no one is going to know it was me, I am not doing it for my glory. So the what if's kind of do not matter. I recently had a nudging to do something nice for someone. While I was buying the stuff and delivering it my mind was saying a whole string of what if's. Then I had to say to myself. They will not know it is me, I am not getting any credit here. Also when someone has done something nice for, when have you ever thought I wish they hadn't done that, Um let's think, NEVER. So all the excuses went away. And I did it and I think it accomplished whatever God had in store.

Now back to my first story. I had in a way decided that I wasn't going to apply for the Haiti summer internship. Then I was at a Bible study and we were watching the presenter and she basically said that we pray for God to show up and do amazing things, but then in the next breath we pray that He never puts us in a place where He has to show up and do amazing things. Because we realize that usually those places are hard places to be in. I found myself thinking of the Haiti thing. That this is a leap of faith, this is a place where God would have to show up and do amazing things, because I know
I cannot do it on my own. So I went home and within the week applied. I was so nervous when I pressed that submit button. Within the week I had a phone interview. Which was good. I am much older than most of their applicants but I also am a teacher so I get summers off, which most people my age do not.

In the next two weeks I had another interview with another person with the organization, a higher up if you will. Both of these interviews were centered around me as a person and my walk with the Lord right now. Which was good, because I feel as if I am in the best place with God right now than I have ever been. Does that mean that my life is perfect, no, far from it, but that is why it is so good, because in its imperfection, God shows His perfection, His love, and truly amazing Grace.

I had a third interview and this time during the interview they offered me the position. So I will be spending 10 weeks in Haiti over the summer. I am very excited, but also very nervous. It will not be easy, I will need to rely on God all the way.

I will be the team leader, there will be a staff of 5 or so that I will lead and then we have groups that come in every week and I will make sure their trip runs smoothly.

I was emailed in the last week or so that they added another job to my responsibilities and I will be doing the teaching too. I felt like Gideon and his Army. Team leader was like Gideon when his army had been narrowed to 10,000, I was like okay I can do this, it is going to be difficult but I can do this. It was still me getting myself the victory. But now that I will be teaching too, it is like Gideon when his army was dwindled even more, to 300. It seems impossible, so this is where I will be giving all the credit to God, because I am at the end of my capabilities. It is always God, He deserves all the credit for everything. But a lot of the time we take the credit. We only give Him the credit when we know we didn't do it, when we are at the end of our capabilities. Even though he should be getting the credit all of the time.

If you want to get updates on my life there. Make sure to follow this blog and you will get en email when I write a new one. I am not sure I will be able to notify you on facebook if I have written an update. Please continue to pray for my mind and heart, as I posted in my last blog that I can be as well prepared on my end as I can be, we still need to do our part, but God is truly sovereign and divine and He will do the rest. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read these. I still cannot believe that even one person reads this. I do it for my own sanity but also feel as though God is teaching me something that He could teach someone else too, which is why I make them public. So thank you for those who contact me and take that leap to say a kind word about them, because you are affirming the Lord's work. I have no idea who reads these or who it is going to touch, I just write because I feel as though I have to and I am suppose to. God does the rest. Give Him all the glory. He so deserves it.

Who are you going to be when Crap comes knocking?

So tonight I was driving home from a Bible study, a women's Bible study, and I was struck by a few things. First of all, women are a special breed. We can be feeling so many different things at one time. It just reminds of the scene in Harry Potter, I don't remember which movie, but it had to do with Cho, I think was her name. Anyways. Hermoine is trying to describe to Harry and Ron how Cho is probably feeling and she seriously names like eight things, she is basically describing the female psyche to these boys.  And Ron goes, "No one can feel that much at one time." But we do. As women we do. It is crazy the mind of the woman. 

As we are all sharing all of our fears, because that is one of the main themes in this study, we are studying Gideon, those things that are holding us back from who we are meant to be and what we are meant to do, I found myself afterwards, because we always pray for the circumstances to improve, we always do, we pray for so and so to get better and for this situation or that situation, I found myself saying God I don't want to pray for their situations and their circumstances. I want to pray for them as people and their hearts and their minds. Because some of them have some horrible things that are happening to them right now. But the thing is in life we are going to have crap, we are going to have horrible things happen to us, our circumstances are going to be changing every day. So I do not really want to pray for that circumstance, I want to pray for your heart and your mind, so when you come to that situation, your heart and mind are already transformed. Because truly crap is going to come knocking at your door, at your door, all the time. And what are you going to be when you answer that door for crap, are you going to be that person cowering in the corner because of fear or are you going to be like that sturdy tree in a storm that is standing their ground because they know where they are rooted. Because truly our circumstances should not change how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about God, how we see God. It shouldn't change it.

So I found myself tonight not praying that so and so would get better or so and so would not change or whatever may be happening in their life. I prayed that God would transform their minds and hearts. So that when they come up against more circumstances that just SUCK, there is no other word sometimes to use  besides it just sucks, I pray that it doesn't shake the core of who they are, that their joy is constant, and that their faith in God is steadfast, it stays, it withstands.

I feel bad in saying that I do not pray for their circumstances but truly there external and we make them internal and sometimes they do not need to be. But what is internal is what matters. What do you do with those circumstances? Do you let it shake you? Because as Priscilla pointed out in the study, God says 300 times throughout the Bible Fear Not. He says it to Daniel, to Moses, to Ruth, to Joshua, to Abraham. All these well known people in the Bible. Had trouble with Fear as well and God told them what He is telling you and I right now. Fear Not. (cue that cheesy (sorry) worship song, "Fear not for I am with you")  But we do all the time. Hopefully each time Crap comes knocking we are a little more stable, a little more rooted than we were the last time. Now I need to make a disclaimer, this is not about me but about God working in me.

I am writing this to myself as well. Fear is crippling and it is not meant to shape our lives. In 1 John 4 he states that God is love and that perfect love casts out fear. Rest in Him and lay it down. Stop carrying fear around like it is apart of you because it is not meant to be. Just because you have lived with it for a long time does not mean that you are meant to.

I also think that if you are fearing something you are uncomfortable, which means you are either doing something out of your comfort zone, or circumstances have put you out of your comfort zone. I mean think about it would you fear something that you know and are familiar with. No. When you are in your comfort zone you are fine, nothing is really that challenging and you are able to tackle anything that comes your way. This is not how God meant for you to live, He wants you to be in places and circumstances where you have no choice but to rely on Him, trust Him, and cry out to Him. And truthfully that is when Crap is around or when Suck is staying for a long vacation. Or when you are asked to take on a job or responsibility that is not in your strength well house. Being pushed out of your comfort zone, or coming to the end of your capabilities is where God shows up, and then you cannot take any credit for it, but can only give the credit to who it is always due. God.

Get your focus off of yourself.

So as I have mentioned before I am beginning to work with the youth at our church. I feel as though I should have started this awhile ago, but there is a right timing for everything.

I was recently asked by one of them what was a struggle that I had and how did I over come it?

It is quite a common question that younger people will ask older people. Give me your advice. Maybe it will work for me.

So I made sure to say to her that I will let you know when I have over come it. But what has changed everything for me was when I stopped thinking of myself.

I feel as though in life we are very self centered. I know what you are thinking, seriously Erica, tell me something I don't know. Or are you trying to be facetious.

What I mean by that is that even in our relationship with God, when we are trying to think of Him, When we want (I believe) what He wants for us. We want to be rid of the things that hinder us. But for some reason it is still there. The insecurity, the struggle whatever it is, it is still there. And then we get frustrated because it doesn't go away. And then that can effect how we see God.

If you wonder if you are one of these people, think about what you spend the majority of your time praying for. Is it praising God, and praying for others? Or is it solely on you. Now I am not saying that it is wrong to pray for yourself, but when that is all you are praying for, then you may be focusing a little too much on your own problems.

I have found that actually when I get the focus off of myself that is when, either things are put into the right perspective, or I learn a little more about God's heart and it just seems to transform my own.

I mean think about it. When I used to have bad headaches. It consumed me. It is was all I could think about it. If pain reliever or taking a nap did not rid me of it (which a nap never did, it made it worse) Then I learned that if I chatted to my mom or brother about life or went to a group (in university) and just listened or watched a tv show or something. It would usually go away, because I stopped focusing on it. Now that may not be a great analogy, but it works.

A few of my struggles when I was young (lets be real it is still a struggle, I do not think we are completely rid of these things, we just learn what is important and how to not allow yourself to go there) needing attention from others to make myself feel valuable, not feeling like I am enough, truly not thinking I was beautiful when I looked in the mirror. No joke I did not usually like what I saw. My prayers were always, God help me to see me the way you do. I do not feel as though my intentions were wrong, but I think my focus was wrong. I wanted God to fix something inside me, just by magic or something. I do believe that God is all-powerful and can do anything. But I think He wants us to get to know Him more, to take our focus off of ourselves. When we do that we are bombarded by His goodness, His is love that we do not deserve at all. When we come into contact with how little we are and we are loved more than we could know. It kind of makes some of our issues and struggles seem small in comparison to Him and what He does for us.

So I challenge you that if you are struggling with something and all you want is to be rid of it, try delving into God. Reading and truly taking Him in. pick a topic or a book of the Bible or a book study and dive in. When praying, praise Him, take a moment to really concentrate on who you are talking to. Do not rush into His presence. So stop focusing on you and take time to think of others and God. Maybe get involved in something, volunteer. It can help take the focus off of you too (I am still working on this too, it is a journey)

I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.

Mo money, Mo problems

I have asked for God to stretch me I belive He has been doing that. As mentioned before I had some minor health issues come yo. I have mostly healed from those, but still trust God that it is all healing correctly. That is everything is good. Bit one thing I knew was coming, and dreading were the bills that would come after the fact. They never tell you how much it is going to cost, its like a sneak attack. But I had to go, and now I have to pay for it. I do have insurance, but really that means. Nothing. My insurance is so bad. Let's be real my insurance is really me trusting God that the money will come from somewhere to help cover the costs. I only really have catastrophe insurance. This was not a catastrophe. I am paying for it.

So before I dealt with trusting God with my health and I am being asked to trust Him financially. I have been doing this for many years. But I think this is the big one. I truly do not know how this one is going to happen. I have 3 bills coming my way. I have received one of them and my health savings account will cover that one. So that is good. God prepared me a bit for some of this and I was able to put some money away for it. But the next one is my big one. And I thought this first would be my cheap one and it was not as cheap as I thought it was going to be. So I am kinda scared to see what my next one is going to look like. And my last one is from an urgent care and who knows what those cost. This is where I need to trust. I had no choice but to go to the doctor and God will have a way for me to pay for it. It could be done in a variety of ways. Who am I to name them, He works in mysterious ways.

As I write this I cannot sleep becuase I cannot stop my mind. My mind is running through all of the scenarios. I write this because truly this is how I have to get it out. If I do not write this I will continue to mull over what is ahead of me.

I also do not always think that we need more money to solve these problems either. Yes we could try and do a few things to create a little more income to help with these unexpected bills. But I find that truly mo money means mo problems. Because I find that when I have more money I do not use it wisely. I do not save, or give or use it where it is needed. I end up eating out more or buying more things because I know I have the extra money. So yes I have been asking God to create little opportunities for me to make a little extra money, but nothing extravagent. (side note, with my network marketing company I found that I was making a lot of extra money, but not using it wisely. I have no idea where that extra money went to, so I am working on trying to use the little money that I do have wisely, i.e. budgeting correctly, before I add extra money to it. Becasue if you cannot use the little money you have wisely, then how are you thinking you are going to use more money wisely, you will not. More money does not erase bad habits, I have been learning.)

I have been reminding myself of these truths to help calm my mind and my heart and allow myself to have peace.

God is good.
This has been a reaccuring theme in my life. Regardless of my circumstances that does not change the fact that God is good.

God is powerful and is bigger than any problem that I have.

God has my back and wants what is best for me.
This reasures me that anything that comes my way, God is there, working it for my good.

God loves me more than I could ever know.
This is the truth. His affections for me are beyond my comprehension and I need to rest in that when the world seems to be against me or crashing in around me or getting smaller and feeling as though they are crushing me. He loves me with a love that does not alter, or change. And because of that I am able to feel freer, because the weight of pleasing Him, or the pressure of consequences is removed. That is not how He works.

These are the truths that I repeat to myself when I begin to stress about life. Whatever that may be. Money problems, health problems, satan attacking my spirit and feeding me lies about myself (that I am not good enough, that I am second best, that people like her/him better than me etc.) These are the truth those things are not. Remember that today when life doesn't seem to go your way or when the weight of living is a lot, hard to carry at times. He is there. He has you and He loves you.

Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).