the first year

So it has been a while since I posted.

I now have a full time teaching job. It is quite surreal. I am teaching grade 5 at a charter school about a half hour commute from my house. My first day went well, but I was so immensely overwhelmed at the end of the day, the only way I new to relieve that stress was to cry. And boy did I. I cried my whole half hour home and then felt so much better. I have not cried since.

Each day/week seems to get easier. My planning does not seem to take as long as it did that first few weeks. My copies are prepared the week before I need them, instead of the the day before I need them.

I love Copies. I will say it. I hate that I go through paper like crazy, but I cannot help it. I love copies. They are my best friend as a teacher. I go through about 2 reams of paper every two weeks or so. It may seem ridiculous, but ask any teacher, copies make your life easier.

My class is pretty good. They are children which I need to keep reminding myself of. They are only 10 or so and they are not completely in control of their own mouths. (But lets be honest, some adults aren't even in control of their mouths) I vow to not raise my voice often, yes use a stern voice, but I do not want to yell. I hear some of the other teachers yelling and I feel as though it is not effective. I think this because they are still yelling and we are 5 weeks in. So I want to try a different tactic. I am really trying to focus on positive reinforcement and taking time to discuss proper behavior and attitudes. We shall see if it works out.

I am almost an eighth of the way through the year.

not much has changed, but the scenery

So school is officially over, well it has been for about a week now. I am in transition from the school year to summer programming. I am with the big kids 1st-6th grade and they are a delight. Coming from the kindergarteners that are crazy and loud, these kids are gems and welcome relief.

I have been feeling these last few years that kids are growing up so fast, but this week has reassured me a bit that some things do not/have not changed much.

A girl brought in a plastic container that had a lot of strings organized in it and she wanted to make friendship bracelets. This is something that I did very often when I was young. I am currently sporting one on my ankle as we speak.

The girls have been playing school every moment they get. They pick up on all of the things that their teachers do and say and they mimic them to teach other. It is hilarious and also very endearing, because these kids are being kids. They are using their imagination and playing. Which is something that I did all of the time when I was young. School and house were my top two games I would play.

We played MASH the other day. One of the girls had a notebook with prewritten cateories. It was seriously a blast from the past. We would write our own categories that would fill entire notebook page from vacation spots to pet names. I married Simon Cowel which made me laugh.

I like that some things have stayed the same. Children seem to be amused with the same activities that amused us. They may have Ds' and PSPs, but we had Game Boys, or as my brother had a Sega Game Gear. It was much larger than the ones they have now a-days. But equally as effective. They still play school, kickball, and foursquare.

It gives me a little more hope that kids are still being kids. They may try to act cool and older than they truly are, but really they will jump at the chance to play school.

Big Step

So I took a big step today. It is a step that I needed to take a while ago, but for some reason I procrastinated, well I know the reason and I will get to it in a bit. I finally registered to take a few tests that I need to take to be a certified teacher in Illinois. You may be asking why it has taken me a year to register for these tests. Well I am afraid. As long as I can remember I have never been very good at tests, especially the standardized ones. I always second guess myself and I sweat like crazy because I am so nervous. I read and reread things numerous times because for some reason I am not retaining information because I am so nervous. I also didn't want to register for these tests because it is such a commitment. I hesitated when pressing the submit button because it was such a commitment, I was locked in. So weird.


Not sure if you remember back when I had to take a test for Family Video and I was so nervous, I was racing through things and I did not feel very good about the outcome, but I was wrong. I passed it, so maybe I am getting better at tests. We shall see, I have about a month and half to get prepared. I need to buy study material and put some real effort into this. Not my half-assed normal effort that I put into almost everything else in my life. But an extra dose of effort that is of someone else. Because I cannot afford to fail these things. I mean literally I cannot afford to fail them and then have to take them again. So fingers crossed.

the stereotype

So I am at home by myself on a Saturday night. My mom is away for the weekend. My go-to friend is away as well, does that sounds bad? go-to friend? anyway... I am thinking about how as a college graduate I am the stereotype, I moved home.

I am in my mi-mid- oh man my midtwenties now, wow that is hard to grasp. I was working at the video store last night and my new manager said he felt older than he was at 22 and I said that I do not feel as old as I am. I seriously do not, high school in some ways feel like yesterday, not seven years ago. It is weird, time just keeps going and I, in some ways feel as though I cannot catch up. It is an odd feeling, hard to describe.

Back to the subject at hand. I am the stereotype. I live at home. I am not completely ashamed by it. It is the sensible decision to make. But I also wonder if any self-respecting boy is going to find it remotely attractive. But then I also think that I do not really care because right now, to be completely honest, I am not looking for anyone, in that sort of way. These are the ramblings of my mind, after two glasses of wine and some solitude!

Stay tune for some more! My mind is always a going.

INKed

So I have really wanted to get a tattoo. Not just because it is trendy or edgy but because I was realizing that it was very easy for me to forget who I had become and desired to be. I had taken so much to try and understand what God thinks of his people. What truly his affections are toward us. The resounding answer was the idea of love, this type of unconditional love that is not contingent on how I behave, but has been constant since beginning of time. Realizing that no matter what I do God will love me the same is completely freeing. I had been living in a cycle of shame and guilt, that is how my relationship with God was fueled. Or my life in general. And now I can be free of that destructive type of thinking, which is not of God. And be free to understand that He is here all of the time and He possible of anything and all I have to do is give myself to him and allow him to transform you. Just being there and being open. He will seriously do wonders that you never dreamed of. It is amazing to me that I can forget this type of sacrifice and love, but as fallen people we are prone to forget some of the greatest things that happen and focus on the bad things.

So a few years ago I was realizing that it would be good to have a constant reminder of who I desire to be. This was the first time that I even thought of getting a tattoo. I have always liked them, but never thought I would actually get one, until now.

But I am so indecisive.

It takes me forever to decide what to eat if there are more than 5 options. It took me 4 years to finally pick a pair of TOMS. enough said.

I also really enjoy being original, very difficult in this society at times, but with getting a tattoo I want something original, I don't just want to get the word LOVE because I hate to say it but it is a bit cliche. I also want to get it in a place that is different and not just the usual.

See I have these thoughts going through my head every time I think about getting a tattoo. Which makes me think I might not even do it. But I have to, I cannot just let my indecisiveness get in my way, but it is a serious decision as well. It is there forever!

This is my conflict.

I like idea of love in a different language.

Writing daughter in Hebrew.

Just be-

Loved-

redeemed-

Or something of the sort. I would like it on my right hand somewhere, I think.

Oh the mind of me! Crazy!

Present Vs. Future Minded

I took a trip.

I traveled to Denver to visit a friend and had a great time. I was able to see some great scenery and eat at some great places. I was even able to visit a private school while I was out there. It is a really nice school and I would love an opportunity to teach at it. But we shall see. I am have some struggles with how much I should be focusing on the future while still being present. We are always told to live in the here and now do not worry about the past because it is the past and do not worry about the future because today have enough troubles as it is.

But...

I know that I am suppose to be "doing" something, putting in job applications, inquiring about openings, looking online. I know that God would wants doers, not just thinkers or great intentions. But how much am I suppose to be preparing for something that is not right now. I have a job, very stinkin grateful, so should I be focusing on finding a job when I already have one.

I have said before that I am not very good at planning or preparing for the future if I have stuff going on right now. I have found that I cannot put my all into my job or whatever it may be that I am currently doing if I thinking and planning for my next step. So I find that I can only do both half-assed if I am doing them both at the same time.

I did not learn this recently, but it is coming up again. I am not an over-achiever. In school I never went the extra mile, I did not proofread my papers twice, I lucky if I even did it once. I rarely studied for tests for more than a few hours. I just did what I did and did decent. And I was okay with that. I would though, go the extra mile in my relationships. they were things I cared a bit more about. So I am finding that if I was an over-achiever in school I might be more driven to put out so many applications. But I do put some applications out and do a little extra with those, so many opportunities will develop even with those few feelers I put out there.

Here's to seeing what the future holds, and trying to be immersed in the present.

rattled.

I think that things happen in your life that make you realize that no matter how much you try you will never do everything perfect. Even if you do not actually do anything wrong, you may not have done it exactly right. Or at least not how someone needed/desired for you to do it. These situations bring on humility and maybe a little anger. You have been trying to be LOVE, embody it as much as possible, then for some reason you miss something so rudimentary that it angers you. How could you miss that one simple way to show someone love. It rattles you because everything that you have tried to be can seem to be whipped away in one simple mistake. I do not like to let people down, miss an opportunity to be there for someone.

I experienced this recently. Someone I know is going through a very difficult time and I failed to acknowledge it. I merely swept it under the rug like it wasn't there. I mean I had reasons for not doing so. But in her eyes I did not care. That simple of a conversation and I look different in her eyes. Even when I do reach out it has strings attached to it, in her eyes. I cannot erase it and it is hard for me. Everything that I feel like I have tried to be is in a way jeopardized.

Then I realize that some of this is selfish thinking...

I know it might not be this extreme, but this is kind of how I work. I can have the tendency to polarize things. I am also very emotional and very empathetic. So this combination just screams rational thought all of the time.

A little window into my mind.