I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

Rediscovering Christmas 3

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Rediscovering Christmas 
Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Mark 9:33-37

This passage is when Jesus asks his disciples what they were talking about. They do not want to tell him because they were arguing about who was the greatest or as I say, the favorite. Then he tells them that they need to serve. And being a servant means you are the lowest. PERIOD. Then it doesn't matter where you rank because you, by being a servant, have placed yourself on the bottom.

My human side of me starts to rebuke that a bit, and thinks that it is self deprecating to live like this. Then people will walk all over you. You will need to at some point stick up for yourself. Then I remember Jesus. Who could have come into this world in a blaze of glory, but he didn't. He came in as a helpless, fragile, baby. And not with a crazy reception, in a beautiful home/inn. Where everyone was there to witness it. But in a stable or cave with no witnesses but the mother and the father. He could have risen into power. But He chose to spend most of his time with those that were not powerful, that were placed on the outside of society. He made himself low with every choice he made, the connections he had, and even where he spent his time.

The next part of this section Jesus brings a child to himself and remarks that anyone who receives a child in Jesus's name receives Jesus and whoever receives Jesus receives the one who sent Jesus, the father, God.

Right after Jesus talks about being a servant and making yourself last, he talks about receiving a child. I do not think these are separate I think they go together. People to do not often think of children well. Not that they dislike them, but more so that children are naive and cannot contribute to society yet... the list can go on. I think of the saying "A child should be seen and not heard." They do not have anything meaningful to contribute. But here Jesus is saying that they do, they have meaning, they should be thought of, welcomed in, brought up, received. I would make the parallel that children are low, just as a servant is meant to be low. That children are like the outsiders that Jesus strove to connect with. And we must connect with them too, not just when they get older, but now, when they are young. They do have contributions, we think they are naive, but really they trust wholeheartedly. They have not been tainted by the world yet. They trust because they have not been given a reason not to yet.

It is interesting to think that a child/children were so close to Jesus that he was able to take one in his arms with ease. Children were around him and He didn't seem to mind.

Where do you spend the majority of your time, who is there, what are you doing? Are you serving, or being served? Take time this Christmas season to serve.

Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Matthew 1- the genealogy of Jesus.

I have been reading a book called The Grace of God by Andy Stanley for the college group that I help out with at my church. It has reminded me that God uses the least likely people, or the people who did not have perfect lives, to bring about his ultimate promise.

Looking through the bloodline of Jesus it is riddled with adulterers, liars, murderers, a prostitute, but more importantly changed people. All of these people  made mistakes, and some mistakes were pretty huge mistakes, but God still chose to use them, to bring Jesus into this world. That is grace. That is redemption.

Judah for example slept with his daughter in law, unknowingly- after treating her horribly, Rahab a prostitute and not a Jew, but a converted Jew, David who slept with someone else's wife, then killed her husband to cover it up. When the wife is mentioned in the genealogy there was an indiscretion, that son that was born by those parents, when they are both mentioned, was formed through an extremely sinful act or by a defiled person. But God still chose to use them and Matthew chose to mention them. I do not think that He chose to mention them to bring shame to them, but to show the grace of our God. The entire Bible is a story about Grace, and what more fitting way that our savior was brought into this world through grace story after grace story after grace story.

Then we come to Joseph, who God would choose to father his son Jesus. I cannot imagine what Joseph had to be feeling to deserve such an honor. I feel as though he was feeling one of two things initially, very flattered and honored, or why me, I cannot do this. You are asking too much. Or maybe it was a combination of the two. Or maybe one came first, and another, after it started to sink in, came later. Also thinking about how all of these previous generations that are mentioned in Matthew 1 were anticipating this, expecting it, how did that affected Joseph. People and their expectations can reek havoc on our self concept and also on what is being asked of us.  Other's expectations have no influence on what our God is capable of, if he is asking you to do it, it is less about you and more about Him. He will not fail, He will follow through.

Usually when I am asked to do something that scares me I am in shock at first, because why else would I agree, then almost immediately after I say yes self doubt creeps in. Then while I am doing it God makes it happen. God makes me strong enough, or capable enough. He allows me to rise the occasion. But the time in between being asked and actually performing said action, anxiety can have its way with me. I very much have to choose to either let anxiety take over or give it to God. This choice is almost daily.

So what is God asking you to do that seems ridiculous. I challenge you to make a plan to accomplish this. You can do it, and more importantly if He is asking you to, you cannot fail.

Rediscovering Christmas

I am using the Bible App and their reading plan of Rediscovering Christmas

reading: Luke 2:21-40



This is eight days after he was born. He has been circumcised which was the custom of Jewish people and he was given the name Jesus.Traveleing from Bethlehem to Jerusalem.

Simeon, is what it means to be lead by the Spirit. He went to the temple because of the Spirit's leading, he knew who Jesus was because of the Spirit. He spoke things about Jesus that astounded Mary and Joseph. Yes they were talked to by angles, and many interesting things have happened since Jesus has been born. But this, a stranger, coming to declare who Jesus was, even more confirmation. I can imagine at times it may have been difficult for Mary and Joseph to see that Jesus was going to be what the angle said he was going to be, having Simeon say this I think reminded them. Because right now they are dealing with a new born, and I can imagine that dealing with a new born means you are kind of in a bubble unable to see beyond this stage of life.

Simeon had waiting for this. Was ready for it. Was confident in the fulfillment of it.

I want to be that certain. I want to be that lead by the Spirit that I recognize Jesus if he were right here. I want to be expectant, expecting it to happen, and ready for it. It is not just about doing it all right and you will get to that place. It is about truly letting go, and becoming so good at letting go all of the time that will allow the Spirit to really lead you.

Then Anna a prophetess began that same hour to give thanks to God and tell others about the redemption of Israel that was coming.

These two people knew what it was like to wait. But they did not wait in vain. They were not lazy. They were diligent and hopeful.

In my time right now, I am waiting for many things. And I hope to also be diligent and hopeful. I feel like what I have been resorting to is doubt and anxiety. I also hope to have the right perspective, I should not just be expectant that I will find my place and my niche. But that Christ will be coming back once and for all. And that I should be ready. I should be expectant of that.

What are you expectant for right now? Is it something earthly or something eternal. A job, promotion, to finally .....  Neither is wrong, but one will give you a better perspective amidst the earthly woes.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

What is wrong with me--my transition home.

So this post is a long time coming.

How do you put things into words. How do you express what something has done for you and to you?

That is partly why I haven't finished my thank you letters, because I can't do it. I can't process it, I can't even. As the youths would say.

**Disclaimer, I am going to be extremely vulnerable, please do not hold it against me.


When I first arrived home, my transition was a breeze. I was ready for America, I needed fruits and vegetables, AC, a bed without a bug net, a hot shower, to drive, to flush my TP, to go where I want when I want. I seriously thought that transitioning after one week was more difficult than transitioning after 10. That was the first few weeks and slowly it has become harder and harder.

It started with not feeling a lot. I was pretty even keeled. No extreme highs and no extreme lows. Just emotionless. Except when it came to feeling irritated. Oh that I felt and feel often and very strongly. It is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way and it is not others that do it to me, it is totally me and my inability to be a human being right now.


But more recently my apathy and indifference has gotten worse. When I have explained this to some people they make comments about me being in a valley. I do not think I am in a valley because there is feeling and emotion tied to that, despair and sadness. Then someone said then are you in a desert season, No there is emotion tied to that one too. a yearning for things to be different and being dry and needing to be filled up again. No I think that I am in a white, blank, room. Or maybe not even a room I cannot tell because it is blank and white, which is ironic because our video series this summer with Next Step was all filmed in a white box.

I maybe am slightly angry at God. Why can't things be easier, I know he never promised that, but in my darkest parts I wonder this. I was fine with waiting, I was fine with letting Him lead. But that has turned into apathy. How did people do it in the Bible when they waited years to see the fruit, years to see the blessing, years to see the promise and I cannot make it months.

I have been wondering what is wrong with me because if you knew me at all, I care. You know that I care, and almost to a fault. I have a heart for people and helping them see that they need Jesus and that He is the only thing that can change anything. If you know me, you know these things to be true. So I have been asking God and myself what is wrong with me when I do not seem to care. I do not seem to care about anything. I do not really want to build relationships, I still continue to do so because I know that I should, but I do not necessarily want to. I continue to go through the motions if you will of church, small group, and being involved at the church because I know I should, not so much because I want to. I do want to remain faithful to the one who is faithful.

I know the truth, I know where to find it. I know I am valued by Him, loved fiercely by Him. That He has me so what should I be afraid of. I know all of these things. And they had penetrated my heart, I didn't just know them, I lived them and believed them. And now it is almost as if I have saran wrap over my heart, and things just cannot get in. I feel as though I live in a fog. Where nothing really affects me. I know things should affect me, the passing of a family member or a hurricane that rips apart a country that is dear to my heart, but they don't. It is almost as if the shock of the news evaporates before it gets to me and so it is just words, images that hold no emotional attachment.

I do not wish to be living like this, but I am unsure of how to change it. I truly feel as though it is just a phase. That feelings will reenter my life and I will have a passion for His people again. But right now, I cannot help but feel what I feel, even if I am slightly ashamed by it.

This has not been an easy transition. I do know that He is faithful, that He loves me even in my weakest moments, even when I do not necessarily know how to love Him back. The truths of who God is, even if they cannot penetrate my heart, I hope will get me through.

This song has been my thoughts put into lyrics.
Paralyzed

But for now I will not hid the feelings, I will share them, because I think many people feel as I feel after a time away and maybe do not understand what to do about it. Or think they are alone and, as I felt, that there is something wrong with them, which there isn't. I think we have experienced things that our minds, bodies, and souls do not really know how to cope with. As John said earthly beings think of earthly things and maybe we saw a taste of the above, and we cannot understand how to move forward with that. Maybe.

Until then...