No one told me about this.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this.

I have only ever heard people talk about the beginning of their relationship with excitement, happiness and joy. As if it was perfect, with no issues.

I cannot imagine I am the only one that is not experiencing this perfect beginning. And I’m not talking about the relationship itself having issues. Because truly he is great. But I am talking about my mind that is far from perfect. Ya see I’ve never heard people talk about what happens in their mind when they begin dating someone and maybe it is more of a girl’s mind thing. But man my mind is for sure not my friend. It brings up things from my past that I thought I dealt with ages ago. But feel as fresh as yesterday. It tries to make me believe things that I put to bed years ago.

It is not my friend.

Thoughts that have gone through my mind have tried to convince me that I cannot be in a relationship. I am far too screwed up. My mind actually says can you do this? Maybe this is why it hasn’t happened for you. Because you overthink too much and get disappointed too easily to the point that it wrecks your mental state. How in the world can you handle this.

And I come to the conclusion that I can’t. I can’t handle it. It is too hard for me. But the great part about it is I am not asked to do it alone. God is truly saying to me. Let me help you.

Listening to a podcast this week with Annie F. Downs and Ally Fallon and Ally says. You have to give up control in order to be in love. This is not just romantic love, but in any relationship. We have to give up control. I am learning that more and more.

The disappointment that I feel in not only the beginning of my dating relationship but also all my relationships. They have to do with me controlling it and thinking that I have the ability to change it if I just_______. But really I don’t. I can only change me.

I recently was discussing these thoughts about my relationship with someone. They said two things that I think were straight from God. Because these are two things I needed to hear more than anything. They pinpoint exactly what I do when relationships get too hard. They said, don’t close yourself off. And it is worth it.

Ya see when things get hard in a relationship I begin to close myself off, in essence sabotaging the relationship, but it is in my terms. It is far easier for me to do this. I do this because I do not see how it is worth the pain and mental strain it is putting on me.

I will not close myself off. And I will continue to tell myself that it is worth it.

Another thing. I have often said about myself is that I am an open book. Whatever you want to know. I’ll tell ya. But with this guy I find myself still having walls up. (Understandably so because of my past). Let me say this. I do desire to be known by him. I want him to know me deeply. But it’s hard to do that if they don’t exactly ask. Ya know. But I’m finding that if I want him to know something. I just need to tell him regardless of his asking the right question or not.

Some of you may be thinking. Wow you are in a relationship. That is so great. You have been waiting for so long for this. Correction I have not been waiting for anything, God brings about what he wills in his own timing. And as I mentioned before, this has not been sunshine and rainbows. It has been difficult for me. But God is gracious and continues to transform my faulty thinking. When I over analyze to the point where it paralyzed me in fear (which is what all this boils down to, fear). I hear God whispering to my heart.  Erica, I am giving you this beautiful thing, just let go and enjoy it.

That is what I am trying to do. Let go of control and enjoy it.

What now.

As I have mentioned before this, writing is how I process my life. I share it because I believe others have felt the same way and may in some way take comfort that they are not alone. These are my thoughts, some unfiltered. This is me processing my life.


I will say that I have been blessed. Throughout my life I have not had to face a ton of tragedy. I was around people that did and I would be a shoulder to lean on. I would for sure shed tears on their behalf. But I never have truly lost anyone tragically or suddenly.

Until out of the blue my uncle died. Even then he isn't like my dad or anything right, he is just an uncle. But man that does not compute to me. IT IS KILLING ME.

He was one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. Made you feel seen, heard, and important. This is evident in the constant line at his visitation for 3 1/2 hours. I mean the line was out the door. He was a great man.

I used to think, like the Friday before he passed, that I was not swayed by my circumstances. I was grounded in Christ and no matter what happened in my life I would stay grounded. No more roller coaster of emotions. I was wrong. I am struggling. I used to be able to see the forest among the trees. I could see the end, the bigger picture. But I cannot see anything but this tree right in front of me. There is no bigger picture for me right now. I just cannot seem to go on. I know it has only been a few days and those reading this may be thinking, just give it time. But I do not want to, I don't want this life without him. He made it better.

How can someone be there one second and then not a second later. It is just crazy to me. I cannot understand it. There body full of life and then nothing. What is that.

I used to sing Even if it Hurts by Hillsong and believe every word it. Even if it hurts I will praise you. Basically no matter what I will praise you. I am seriously struggling to believe those words. I want to believe them with all my heart. But I can't do it.

This whole situation reminds me of how fragile life is. I teach people often that we do not know how many days we have on this planet. We live as if we have 80 but truly we do not know. You have to make your self right with God now. Because you never know when your time will be. And the truth is you cannot make yourself right with God, you cannot on your own. No matter how much you may try you can't. And we were never meant to, because God made a way for us to be right with him once again.

Ya see He loved us so much that he actually sent his only son to die so that you may be right with him, so that you may have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus is the only way to be right with God, He even said he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father except through him (John 14:6). The crazy thing about this is it is a free gift as it says in Ephesians. We have been saved by Grace not by anything we have done. it is a gift from God (3:8-9). Being "good" will not do it. It is by having faith in Jesus Christ, that God sent him to save you and that God raised him from the dead. Know you need a savior, and accept Jesus as your savior before it is too late. (these are only a few verses, but Scripture is riddled with verses saying this same thing)

Even more than that watch what he will do with the rest of the life that you have on this planet. It is by no means easy, but very much worth it. This planet is not the end, heaven is real and is open for you, all you need is Jesus. God loves you more than you will ever know.

It has been a few months since I first wrote this. Truly the visitation and funeral finalized it for me. They were extremely hard but necessary in the grieving process. It is still very hard for me when I think about his death. I do not think of it for very long because it starts me down a path that is not good for me. But I think of him daily.

I Don't Want to Go Back

I was chatting with some high schoolers recently about things going on in my life. One of them made a comment such as, “you deal with those things at your age too?”

I responded with an emphatic yes. To be real I still deal with all of the same things I did when I was in high school. I still have the same insecurities and fears. I still wonder a lot of the same things. Have a lot of the same dreams, except being a politician that one is gone.

A major difference though is how I deal with those things when they come up. When something happens and it opens up an insecurity. I know how to healthily close that door back up. I know the truth that puts that insecurity back in its place. I work hard to not let that insecurity run free in my mind because I know the spiral it will lead me down and the destination at the end of it is only dark, lonely, and empty. I don’t like going down that spiral because there is not life at the end of it, only death.

I have matured in how I cope, all credit to Jesus.

But oh boy do I still deal with all that old stuff. And how I have to completely surrender it to Him every time otherwise I negative self talk. I hate feeling like I did back then. Completely tossed to and fro by my emotions. And these emotions were affected by others all of the time. I can’t stand how it can affect how I see myself. How it affects the progress that has been made. How it truly makes me feel like I am 15 again. Helpless and desperate. So when moments happen that remind of that girl, I do not talk kindly to myself. I say things such as, “I thought we were past this,” or “seriously Erica again,” or “what is wrong with you that can’t get over this.” Etc. I don’t like speaking to myself that way because I know God is not. He is simply looking at me with those loving eyes of his and saying, “just give it here.”

But then again it brings me back to the person I was when I realized I needed s savior. When I realized I was indeed helpless and desperate. Maybe in a way I have forgotten that and this is God’s way of bringing me back to him again. Maybe these thoughts and open doors on my mind are a way for me to come face to face with that girl I used to be. Because that girl NEEDED Jesus. I KNOW I need Jesus. But often throughout my day I do not live as though I need him. When my emotions get the best of me and I find myself 15 again, I desperately need Jesus to help get me through. I rely on him. I can’t do it on my own. Only he can get me through.

So even though I hate when things bring me back to THAT girl. The girl in a lot of ways I do not like.   The girl that needed approval from others and found her value in any guy who gave her attention. I need to be thankful for those same moments. No, I do not want to go back to being THAT girl. But that girl was desperate for Jesus. She was helpless and lost. She knew she needed Jesus. Those moments remind me of the desperation. And they bring me to need Jesus desperately.

I can’t sleep. That is why I am writing this right now. I have to get it out. This is how I process. And I know I’m not alone. And I desire for others to also know they are not alone in these thoughts.


Just heard this song the following morning.

Lament by Seacoast Worship

This is the desperation I was speaking of. God is good. Regardless of what I am going through.

What do you Value?

This is the lesson I did while I was with the youth group in Myrtle Beach, SC in 2016. The main passage is found in Luke 19, the passage of Zacchaeus. 

MB Lesson

April 1, 2016

1.       Recap the week

a.       Sunday Empty is good

b.      Monday sinking in your circumstances

c.       Tuesday Sinking in your sin

d.      Thursday- Gospel

2.       Hook

a.       Right and wrong response

                                                               i.      Have you ever given someone the wrong response? OR the right one?

1.       Teachers, Parents, friends.

3.       You have experienced a lot of things this week, I bet your hearts have been moved and now you have a response or a choice, we are going to look at someone today who had the right response to Jesus

4.       Luke 19

a.       Who is Zacchaeus?

                                                               i.      Chief tax collector

1.       Title used nowhere else in scripture

2.       Tax collectors work for the government

3.       Go door to door to get money to give to Rome, the gov’t.

4.       He is a Jew, working for Rome, the enemy

5.       Gets his wealth from the Jewish people

6.       Did what it took to climb the ladder, to be promoted

7.       Seen as a traitor by his people

8.       Tax collectors where like the lowest people in society’s mind

9.       Imagine if you were related to Zacchaeus and he comes to your door asking for money, and asking for more than what he would usually ask for, this creates divides among people

                                                             ii.      Story told only in Luke

1.       Luke is consistent in showing how Jesus had compassion for those in need and those rejected by society

                                                            iii.       He had a desire to see Jesus,

1.       He was not in want, most people that came to Jesus had a serious need, blind, lame, lepers, but he had everything He needed

a.       Like us, we do not necessarily need to rely on God for our physical needs

                                                                                                                                       i.      We like to think that we are in want, money, friends, social status, but truly we are not in crazy want

2.       He had an emotional need that he noticed and He knew that Jesus was different, so he wanted to see Jesus

a.       A little aside, we may have something (Jesus) that others need or want in their lives

                                                           iv.      Invitation

1.       How did Jesus know his name?

2.       Do you think Zacchaeus thought Jesus would actually talk to him, He said he just wanted to see him, not speak to him.

3.       What does it say that Zacchaeus did next?

a.       He stayed up in the tree. No He obeyed.

4.       I do not want us to miss the obvious here.

a.       Zacchaeus was not viewed well by his peers, Christ singles him out, why? Does he notice that Zacchaeus is desiring to see Him. He climbs a tree to do it. He basically is acting like a child, like a fool so that He can just see Him. Not talk to Him, not meet Him, see Him. Throughout scripture Jesus notices when people’s hearts are in the right place, The men who lower the paralyzed man through the roof, the woman at the well, He notices when people do the foolish thing to be near him. WE should be doing the foolish just to be near him just to see him.

                                                             v.      Conviction

1.       How does Zacchaeus respond to Jesus?

a.       He is convicted of his sin.

b.      He is convicted of his wealth, or how he acquired it.

                                                                                                                                       i.      So what does he do about it

                                                                                                                                     ii.      Does walk away sad and not do anything about it?

1.       No He does something about it. He is not willing to live as he was living. He has been changed from the inside out because of coming in contact with Jesus.

                                                                                                                                    iii.      There is an outward response to an inward change.

1.       James speaks of this in James 2:26 Faith without works is dead, there is action to show the inward change.

2.       If you join a sports team, you wear a uniform to show who you represent. An outward action, you use the proper techniques for whichever sport you are in to show you know the sport. An outward action to show an inward change.

a.       I faked this action for a very long time. I pretended to be a Christian for a long time. I fooled people, but I never fooled God.

2.       Just a chapter before Jesus comes in contact with a rich man.

a.       Luke 18:18-23

b.      He seeks Jesus out and asks Him how do you inherit eternal life?

                                                                                                                                       i.      Jesus responds, Sell all you have and give to the poor. (Does Jesus say that anywhere else?) It is about the heart. Jesus is combating what He values.

                                                                                                                                     ii.      The rich man left sad because he had great wealth. We have no idea what he did after that. But the difference here is that The rich man is leaving sad and Zacchaeus is joyful. He realizes that Jesus, is greater than anything else. Jesus is greater than wealth.

                                                           vi.      What is God convicting you of?

1.       What do you find valuable in this world, is it money, status, friends, appearances.

2.       What might He be asking from you/of you?

a.       In this case Zacchaeus is feeling convicted by how he has treated people because of money.

b.      What is your thing? What has this week been chipping away at?

                                                                                                                                       i.      Maybe it is to talk to someone

1.       Ask for forgiveness

2.       Make a public declaration

3.       Maybe it is to stop certain friendships or relationships

4.       Maybe it is to stop caring what others think of you.

5.       Or to stop worrying about __________.

6.        

                                                                                                                                     ii.      What is God telling you, you need to do?

                                                          vii.      Many of you have had a very emotional response to this week. Which is awesome, You are coming in contact with Jesus and you are being willing. But you also had that at Districts, Bond, MB last year, and KY or Quincy. But it didn’t quite seem to stick. It didn’t last. After a few weeks you have return to living how you did before

                                                        viii.      I believe that is because you have a choice. You have a response. You need to chose how you are going to respond.

1.       Are you going to be obedient to what Christ is telling you, to what you are being convicted of? Or are you gong to return to your life, your school, your home, your job, as if this week never happened.

2.       Are you going to be stuck in this cycle of trip high, change for a few weeks, back to my life, oh look another trip, then another trip high, then change for 3 weeks now instead of 2, so I must be getting better right but then it starts again like it does every time, it is so slow you do not even notice it. The slow decline back to normalcy, back to what you were like before the trip. But oh I cannot wait for the next trip so that I can have another high.

a.       What you have felt this week is amazing, do not get me wrong. But it is a lot of emotion and you will not have that intense amount of emotion all of the time and I want to tell you know that that is okay. I do not want you thinking that the Christian life is a trip high all the time. IT IS NOT! IT is a daily walk, it is a daily choice, it is a daily faithfulness. And to be honest sometimes I do not feel like it. But I still do it because I remember what He has done for me and I will remain faithful to Him, the best I know how.

3.       This is not how we are called to live. It is inevitable to have a trip high, but it should deepen your life for God, not restore it every time.

b.      After my Haiti trip this last year

c.       Which response will you have the one of the rich ruler, or Zacchaeus? Will you leave sad after this week because you know what God is requiring of you and you value it too much to give it up, or Zacchaeus filled with joy and so ready to give whatever up because you value Him more than anything else.

5.       Response time

a.       I am going to give you time to reflect on this, to think about what is God asking of you. What have you experienced this week, and why do you not want to return back to how you were living.

6.       After response time

a.       After my Haiti trip last year I wrote down a list of 5 things that I wanted to work on to help me be able to stop the downward slope.

                                                               i.      Number one was a daily time with Him. I made the choice to get up earlier, which might mean going to bed earlier, so that I could start my day with Him. Some days I read, some days I pray. Some days I still get up, but I am so tired I may rest. But I am still being faithful and making it a priority.

                                                             ii.      Post reminders around, because we are forgetful people, we need to be reminded. So post reminders, that is why we did _____________ for you to post to remind yourself of what you want to be

                                                            iii.      Limit your screen time, we waste so much time on those things and we also are not having good interactions with people when we are on those things while hanging out with people.

                                                           iv.      DO things that require faith. Go out of your comfort zone. Push yourself a bit so that you actually have to rely on God and that He will get all the glory.

                                                             v.      Surround yourself with people that are trying to do the same thing. Be in small groups where you are learning stuff. Have one-on-ones with people to discuss life and what you are struggling with and need prayer for.

How a Dress Can Change the World!

Why am I doing Dressember?

I have had friends that have done it for years and I always thought that it looked interesting. But honestly I always thought that only wearing dresses for the entire month seemed very hard for me.

Which I have realized, is the point.

Yes, wearing the dress will cause people to ask questions, which opens the door to conversations. But truly why I am doing it this year is because I realize that this needs to be a sacrifice.

I need to be sacrificing in some way for this to matter. It has to cost me something, not just financially, but with my daily life.

I know that these women and children that are affected by human trafficking are sacrificing a great deal. They did not have the choice, but I do, and I am going to sacrifice for them this December.

This may seem to some as a flippant sacrifice. That I am not really sacrificing at all. But this is what I can do. This is what I am to do right now. I cannot go over there and rescue these women right now. But what I can do is wear dresses for a month. This is my choice. This will remind me every moment of the day of these women that do not have a choice.

This is my little sacrifice in the hope that God will use it to bring about the rescue of his people. I am joining fifteen other ladies to help fund a rescue mission. A rescue mission costs $6,300. This is the cost from the initial investigations to the immediate after care needed. Help me reach my goal of $350. God can do so much with a willing and obedient heart.

What are you doing when you hear about these people and what they are going through? I know I always thought that I couldn't do anything. Now I know that I can do something. I can give, wear a dress, and talk to people about the real lives that are affected by human trafficking.

Please partner with me, as we partner with these great organizations that do the rescue missions and the after care. International Justice Mission, and A21 Check out the organizations that the money goes to.

Watch how this all started!

If you feel compelled to help these women by donating, you can right at this website

DRESSEMBER 

If you have a nudge at all, be a part of something that is moving and giving freedom to people who need it! That is what Jesus is all about, giving FREEDOM. 

Luke 4:18-19

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
    and recovering of sight to the blind,
    to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.”

You can do something, you can be apart of the solution, because not doing something is being apart of the problem. Neutral is not a stance. So choose to do something. 

I will leave you with Shia- JUST DO IT! 

I DO...

I do want to get married....

There I said it. That wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I am finally admitting that to myself. I think for a long time I didn't want to admit that I actually wanted that to be a part of my life because then I was  hoping for something that might not happen. I did not want to experience that let down. I did not want to put it out there for the world to see and then have them see me as a failure. So I did not admit that I actually do want to get married. I found that to be safer, I found it to be better to say, "I don't think I will ever be married." (which truly there is a major part of me that thinks that, that still has a twisted view of God in some ways. That I see him up there holding out as a way of teasing me)

There is still a part of me that thinks I am not worthy of marriage. ( I know many of you are rolling your eyes, or thinking how I can think that way, but if you are honest with yourselves, in those deep places there are areas where you feel this too. where you feel as though you are not worthy of ________ or that you have a distorted idea of God and you think that he is punishing you or teasing you too because something that you desire (and it is not a harmful desire) isn't happening.)

I know that this is Satan. I know that God is good, loving, and his timing and plan are completely perfect. Have I grown in this area, trusting him with everything, yes. Do I still feel as though I have a long ways to go. Most definitely.


Here is a letter I wrote to God a few weeks ago.

God,
I know where I am is where I am supposed to be. But I often feel like I am missing something. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I know there isn't, but it is hard to feel as though I am who I am supposed to be and no one seems to be attracted to it. I know this is not the point. I know all of these things, but sometimes my feelings betray what I know. And I feel as though I have tried, I have put my heart out there, but nothing is happening. Which to me means it is not right now. And there is part of me that seems to want the "for right now" in place of the forever, in place of what I really want, just so that I can feel something. I think I am saying I want experience, but really I want something mediocre until something better comes around. That will hurt more than help, thank you for protecting me from that. Even if in the moment it hurts. Even if it doesn't feel like it's what I want. I know it is what is best. And I don't want to give my heart to a bunch of people. As the song "Settled" says, "I want to save my best for the one who takes my breath."

Hold out for the real thing.

There are two songs that I cannot stop listening to. Each one reveals a different side to this. One is about holding out and waiting for something that will last. The other is for the right now. It is for instant gratification. I love them both because I understand both, but one I know is healthier. One I know is going to help me in the long run.

Settled- Icarus Account

Come Over- Sam Hunt

I want forever, not just right now. I will continue to be obedient to what God has called me to. I know He is loving and good. He is not punishing me or holding out on me. Satan does not get free reign  in my mind. I will continually replace it with truth. And I mean continually, it is a constant removal. But I know the truth. 

I am not who I once was.

So as most of you know I am in a limbo state in my life. Or a transition state. Or maybe I am just in life. That's what I would like to say. I'm just in the middle of life. Trying to figure it all out as I go. Isn't that what we are all doing anyway?! But I digress.

Also as some of you might know I want to be in ministry. Well I am actually technically in ministry right now, but I would like to be spending more time in ministry, building relationships, building curriculum, working with leaders and volunteers. I have a glimpse that I think that is what God is steering me towards. But also in my impatience I constantly hear Him saying to my wandering, questioning, planning heart, To Just Wait. Not to do nothing, but that I am just to do what is in front of me. Not to get myself to where He wants me to be eventually, but to let it happen and let Him get me there.

Well in the last few months I have had people ask or tell me that maybe I should go back to school. Get some knowledge under my belt. I have told people since I graduated from my undergrad that I did not see myself ever going back to school. Ya see school is not my favorite, which is funny because I am a teacher. But I have always done alright at school, but I have never felt driven, or the need to go above and beyond with school. I have always felt that way with people and relationships, but never with school. I have also always had a slight bout of anxiety where school is concerned. I have never felt quite capable. That my thoughts weren't important or valuable. I would rarely speak out in class even if I knew the answer because of fear.

Well I am going back to school. You probably saw where that was going. This is another step of faith that I am having to work through. I have grown a lot, in who I am because of whose I am, since the last time I was in school. But a lot of the same emotions came rushing back. Syllabus day is always my favorite day, but also with it comes a wave of panic. A stress of thinking how am I going to get all of this done. Already beginning to compare myself to my classmates, thinking that my thoughts are not as deep or profound as their thoughts. Wondering what in the world I got myself into.

And then in the midst of all of that I am reminded of that growth that I mentioned. If God asked me to do this He will see me through. I do not need to do it on my own strength. I have also learned over the years that my thoughts are important. That I am unique, that God has given me ideas that need to be shared. That I have had experiences and struggles that are unique to me and therefore my perspective is different and should be voiced. And maybe I am not as profound or deep as some, but things can be lost the deeper we go and sometimes the simple can be deeply profound, ( I found Jesus did this often).

So this is where my faith is being tested. Where I have to trust him, and him alone. As it says in Proverbs 3 I cannot lean on my own understanding. I need to trust him for the words to write. The attitude to have. It is going to be a constant struggle between my old way of thinking and my new way of thinking. I will have to continually be replacing lies, the distorted thinking, with the truth. Not truth that I can do this, and that it is all about me, but that He will do it through me. He will be the words, He will be the A's and the B's or whatever I end up getting. And the point of me doing this is is to learn. So regardless of how I do, I will be learning and achieving my one goal.