No one told me about this.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this.

I have only ever heard people talk about the beginning of their relationship with excitement, happiness and joy. As if it was perfect, with no issues.

I cannot imagine I am the only one that is not experiencing this perfect beginning. And I’m not talking about the relationship itself having issues. Because truly he is great. But I am talking about my mind that is far from perfect. Ya see I’ve never heard people talk about what happens in their mind when they begin dating someone and maybe it is more of a girl’s mind thing. But man my mind is for sure not my friend. It brings up things from my past that I thought I dealt with ages ago. But feel as fresh as yesterday. It tries to make me believe things that I put to bed years ago.

It is not my friend.

Thoughts that have gone through my mind have tried to convince me that I cannot be in a relationship. I am far too screwed up. My mind actually says can you do this? Maybe this is why it hasn’t happened for you. Because you overthink too much and get disappointed too easily to the point that it wrecks your mental state. How in the world can you handle this.

And I come to the conclusion that I can’t. I can’t handle it. It is too hard for me. But the great part about it is I am not asked to do it alone. God is truly saying to me. Let me help you.

Listening to a podcast this week with Annie F. Downs and Ally Fallon and Ally says. You have to give up control in order to be in love. This is not just romantic love, but in any relationship. We have to give up control. I am learning that more and more.

The disappointment that I feel in not only the beginning of my dating relationship but also all my relationships. They have to do with me controlling it and thinking that I have the ability to change it if I just_______. But really I don’t. I can only change me.

I recently was discussing these thoughts about my relationship with someone. They said two things that I think were straight from God. Because these are two things I needed to hear more than anything. They pinpoint exactly what I do when relationships get too hard. They said, don’t close yourself off. And it is worth it.

Ya see when things get hard in a relationship I begin to close myself off, in essence sabotaging the relationship, but it is in my terms. It is far easier for me to do this. I do this because I do not see how it is worth the pain and mental strain it is putting on me.

I will not close myself off. And I will continue to tell myself that it is worth it.

Another thing. I have often said about myself is that I am an open book. Whatever you want to know. I’ll tell ya. But with this guy I find myself still having walls up. (Understandably so because of my past). Let me say this. I do desire to be known by him. I want him to know me deeply. But it’s hard to do that if they don’t exactly ask. Ya know. But I’m finding that if I want him to know something. I just need to tell him regardless of his asking the right question or not.

Some of you may be thinking. Wow you are in a relationship. That is so great. You have been waiting for so long for this. Correction I have not been waiting for anything, God brings about what he wills in his own timing. And as I mentioned before, this has not been sunshine and rainbows. It has been difficult for me. But God is gracious and continues to transform my faulty thinking. When I over analyze to the point where it paralyzed me in fear (which is what all this boils down to, fear). I hear God whispering to my heart.  Erica, I am giving you this beautiful thing, just let go and enjoy it.

That is what I am trying to do. Let go of control and enjoy it.

What now.

As I have mentioned before this, writing is how I process my life. I share it because I believe others have felt the same way and may in some way take comfort that they are not alone. These are my thoughts, some unfiltered. This is me processing my life.


I will say that I have been blessed. Throughout my life I have not had to face a ton of tragedy. I was around people that did and I would be a shoulder to lean on. I would for sure shed tears on their behalf. But I never have truly lost anyone tragically or suddenly.

Until out of the blue my uncle died. Even then he isn't like my dad or anything right, he is just an uncle. But man that does not compute to me. IT IS KILLING ME.

He was one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. Made you feel seen, heard, and important. This is evident in the constant line at his visitation for 3 1/2 hours. I mean the line was out the door. He was a great man.

I used to think, like the Friday before he passed, that I was not swayed by my circumstances. I was grounded in Christ and no matter what happened in my life I would stay grounded. No more roller coaster of emotions. I was wrong. I am struggling. I used to be able to see the forest among the trees. I could see the end, the bigger picture. But I cannot see anything but this tree right in front of me. There is no bigger picture for me right now. I just cannot seem to go on. I know it has only been a few days and those reading this may be thinking, just give it time. But I do not want to, I don't want this life without him. He made it better.

How can someone be there one second and then not a second later. It is just crazy to me. I cannot understand it. There body full of life and then nothing. What is that.

I used to sing Even if it Hurts by Hillsong and believe every word it. Even if it hurts I will praise you. Basically no matter what I will praise you. I am seriously struggling to believe those words. I want to believe them with all my heart. But I can't do it.

This whole situation reminds me of how fragile life is. I teach people often that we do not know how many days we have on this planet. We live as if we have 80 but truly we do not know. You have to make your self right with God now. Because you never know when your time will be. And the truth is you cannot make yourself right with God, you cannot on your own. No matter how much you may try you can't. And we were never meant to, because God made a way for us to be right with him once again.

Ya see He loved us so much that he actually sent his only son to die so that you may be right with him, so that you may have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus is the only way to be right with God, He even said he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father except through him (John 14:6). The crazy thing about this is it is a free gift as it says in Ephesians. We have been saved by Grace not by anything we have done. it is a gift from God (3:8-9). Being "good" will not do it. It is by having faith in Jesus Christ, that God sent him to save you and that God raised him from the dead. Know you need a savior, and accept Jesus as your savior before it is too late. (these are only a few verses, but Scripture is riddled with verses saying this same thing)

Even more than that watch what he will do with the rest of the life that you have on this planet. It is by no means easy, but very much worth it. This planet is not the end, heaven is real and is open for you, all you need is Jesus. God loves you more than you will ever know.

It has been a few months since I first wrote this. Truly the visitation and funeral finalized it for me. They were extremely hard but necessary in the grieving process. It is still very hard for me when I think about his death. I do not think of it for very long because it starts me down a path that is not good for me. But I think of him daily.