Also as some of you might know I want to be in ministry. Well I am actually technically in ministry right now, but I would like to be spending more time in ministry, building relationships, building curriculum, working with leaders and volunteers. I have a glimpse that I think that is what God is steering me towards. But also in my impatience I constantly hear Him saying to my wandering, questioning, planning heart, To Just Wait. Not to do nothing, but that I am just to do what is in front of me. Not to get myself to where He wants me to be eventually, but to let it happen and let Him get me there.
Well in the last few months I have had people ask or tell me that maybe I should go back to school. Get some knowledge under my belt. I have told people since I graduated from my undergrad that I did not see myself ever going back to school. Ya see school is not my favorite, which is funny because I am a teacher. But I have always done alright at school, but I have never felt driven, or the need to go above and beyond with school. I have always felt that way with people and relationships, but never with school. I have also always had a slight bout of anxiety where school is concerned. I have never felt quite capable. That my thoughts weren't important or valuable. I would rarely speak out in class even if I knew the answer because of fear.
Well I am going back to school. You probably saw where that was going. This is another step of faith that I am having to work through. I have grown a lot, in who I am because of whose I am, since the last time I was in school. But a lot of the same emotions came rushing back. Syllabus day is always my favorite day, but also with it comes a wave of panic. A stress of thinking how am I going to get all of this done. Already beginning to compare myself to my classmates, thinking that my thoughts are not as deep or profound as their thoughts. Wondering what in the world I got myself into.
And then in the midst of all of that I am reminded of that growth that I mentioned. If God asked me to do this He will see me through. I do not need to do it on my own strength. I have also learned over the years that my thoughts are important. That I am unique, that God has given me ideas that need to be shared. That I have had experiences and struggles that are unique to me and therefore my perspective is different and should be voiced. And maybe I am not as profound or deep as some, but things can be lost the deeper we go and sometimes the simple can be deeply profound, ( I found Jesus did this often).
So this is where my faith is being tested. Where I have to trust him, and him alone. As it says in Proverbs 3 I cannot lean on my own understanding. I need to trust him for the words to write. The attitude to have. It is going to be a constant struggle between my old way of thinking and my new way of thinking. I will have to continually be replacing lies, the distorted thinking, with the truth. Not truth that I can do this, and that it is all about me, but that He will do it through me. He will be the words, He will be the A's and the B's or whatever I end up getting. And the point of me doing this is is to learn. So regardless of how I do, I will be learning and achieving my one goal.
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