No one told me about this.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this.

I have only ever heard people talk about the beginning of their relationship with excitement, happiness and joy. As if it was perfect, with no issues.

I cannot imagine I am the only one that is not experiencing this perfect beginning. And I’m not talking about the relationship itself having issues. Because truly he is great. But I am talking about my mind that is far from perfect. Ya see I’ve never heard people talk about what happens in their mind when they begin dating someone and maybe it is more of a girl’s mind thing. But man my mind is for sure not my friend. It brings up things from my past that I thought I dealt with ages ago. But feel as fresh as yesterday. It tries to make me believe things that I put to bed years ago.

It is not my friend.

Thoughts that have gone through my mind have tried to convince me that I cannot be in a relationship. I am far too screwed up. My mind actually says can you do this? Maybe this is why it hasn’t happened for you. Because you overthink too much and get disappointed too easily to the point that it wrecks your mental state. How in the world can you handle this.

And I come to the conclusion that I can’t. I can’t handle it. It is too hard for me. But the great part about it is I am not asked to do it alone. God is truly saying to me. Let me help you.

Listening to a podcast this week with Annie F. Downs and Ally Fallon and Ally says. You have to give up control in order to be in love. This is not just romantic love, but in any relationship. We have to give up control. I am learning that more and more.

The disappointment that I feel in not only the beginning of my dating relationship but also all my relationships. They have to do with me controlling it and thinking that I have the ability to change it if I just_______. But really I don’t. I can only change me.

I recently was discussing these thoughts about my relationship with someone. They said two things that I think were straight from God. Because these are two things I needed to hear more than anything. They pinpoint exactly what I do when relationships get too hard. They said, don’t close yourself off. And it is worth it.

Ya see when things get hard in a relationship I begin to close myself off, in essence sabotaging the relationship, but it is in my terms. It is far easier for me to do this. I do this because I do not see how it is worth the pain and mental strain it is putting on me.

I will not close myself off. And I will continue to tell myself that it is worth it.

Another thing. I have often said about myself is that I am an open book. Whatever you want to know. I’ll tell ya. But with this guy I find myself still having walls up. (Understandably so because of my past). Let me say this. I do desire to be known by him. I want him to know me deeply. But it’s hard to do that if they don’t exactly ask. Ya know. But I’m finding that if I want him to know something. I just need to tell him regardless of his asking the right question or not.

Some of you may be thinking. Wow you are in a relationship. That is so great. You have been waiting for so long for this. Correction I have not been waiting for anything, God brings about what he wills in his own timing. And as I mentioned before, this has not been sunshine and rainbows. It has been difficult for me. But God is gracious and continues to transform my faulty thinking. When I over analyze to the point where it paralyzed me in fear (which is what all this boils down to, fear). I hear God whispering to my heart.  Erica, I am giving you this beautiful thing, just let go and enjoy it.

That is what I am trying to do. Let go of control and enjoy it.

What now.

As I have mentioned before this, writing is how I process my life. I share it because I believe others have felt the same way and may in some way take comfort that they are not alone. These are my thoughts, some unfiltered. This is me processing my life.


I will say that I have been blessed. Throughout my life I have not had to face a ton of tragedy. I was around people that did and I would be a shoulder to lean on. I would for sure shed tears on their behalf. But I never have truly lost anyone tragically or suddenly.

Until out of the blue my uncle died. Even then he isn't like my dad or anything right, he is just an uncle. But man that does not compute to me. IT IS KILLING ME.

He was one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. Made you feel seen, heard, and important. This is evident in the constant line at his visitation for 3 1/2 hours. I mean the line was out the door. He was a great man.

I used to think, like the Friday before he passed, that I was not swayed by my circumstances. I was grounded in Christ and no matter what happened in my life I would stay grounded. No more roller coaster of emotions. I was wrong. I am struggling. I used to be able to see the forest among the trees. I could see the end, the bigger picture. But I cannot see anything but this tree right in front of me. There is no bigger picture for me right now. I just cannot seem to go on. I know it has only been a few days and those reading this may be thinking, just give it time. But I do not want to, I don't want this life without him. He made it better.

How can someone be there one second and then not a second later. It is just crazy to me. I cannot understand it. There body full of life and then nothing. What is that.

I used to sing Even if it Hurts by Hillsong and believe every word it. Even if it hurts I will praise you. Basically no matter what I will praise you. I am seriously struggling to believe those words. I want to believe them with all my heart. But I can't do it.

This whole situation reminds me of how fragile life is. I teach people often that we do not know how many days we have on this planet. We live as if we have 80 but truly we do not know. You have to make your self right with God now. Because you never know when your time will be. And the truth is you cannot make yourself right with God, you cannot on your own. No matter how much you may try you can't. And we were never meant to, because God made a way for us to be right with him once again.

Ya see He loved us so much that he actually sent his only son to die so that you may be right with him, so that you may have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus is the only way to be right with God, He even said he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father except through him (John 14:6). The crazy thing about this is it is a free gift as it says in Ephesians. We have been saved by Grace not by anything we have done. it is a gift from God (3:8-9). Being "good" will not do it. It is by having faith in Jesus Christ, that God sent him to save you and that God raised him from the dead. Know you need a savior, and accept Jesus as your savior before it is too late. (these are only a few verses, but Scripture is riddled with verses saying this same thing)

Even more than that watch what he will do with the rest of the life that you have on this planet. It is by no means easy, but very much worth it. This planet is not the end, heaven is real and is open for you, all you need is Jesus. God loves you more than you will ever know.

It has been a few months since I first wrote this. Truly the visitation and funeral finalized it for me. They were extremely hard but necessary in the grieving process. It is still very hard for me when I think about his death. I do not think of it for very long because it starts me down a path that is not good for me. But I think of him daily.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

I am not a boy crazy girl... But...

I was reminded recently that your struggles and sufferings should not be hidden but shared. We are all suffering and the way that God is comforting you, is the same way that through you God can comfort others. What you are learning can help others on their journey. So here is me being a little vulnerable in the hopes that it helps others. So I am not sure if anyone else is in the same boat as me, but I thought I would share something that is a little personal for me in the hopes that others will understand that they are not alone. You may be thinking don't you share personal things all the time. My response is yes they are personal, but this is something I do not like to talk about, I've touched on it before but not like this.

I am not a boy crazy girl at all. I am not one of those girls that is hanging on boys or even around them all that often. I used to be a girl that always had a "boyfriend," I put that in quotes because let's be real here, we were young for that. But in the middle of high school I was in a relationship for a maybe a month, and I was devastated when it ended. I did not like that about me. I was too invested in a too short of an amount of time. It was too much, too quick. It scared me how fast I moved, (not physically, but emotionally and I almost think that is worse). So I didn't date for the rest of high school. It was two years. (which to me at the time was a long time of not dating anyone, who would have known that it would have lasted for 10 years). That is really hard for me to say, because I feel as though I am lesser for not dating people. I know some people have never dated, so they may be thinking it's not that big of a deal. But it is really hard for me to say that out loud. I have not dated anyone for a very long time.

I know that some of that is my choosing, I do not pursue things, I do not try, I do not really put myself out there in that way. But then there is that part of me that wonders why no one has asked, ya know. (and I am not throwing myself a pity party here at all, it is a small part of me that thinks this, and I know I am worth it, and a pretty good catch, if I do say so myself.) But there is still that part of me, and think every girl goes through this. Why don't they ask, why don't they... What is wrong with me? These are all thoughts that go through our heads. I still get those thoughts. And I know that I can be a little intimidating but I just wonder ya know. (While I [proofread this I am brought to tears, but then after reading the next paragraph they are wiped away)

Then I am reminded of God's love for me and that wipes all of those doubts away. He is all I need. I do not need a spouse, even though I would love to see how that partnership is like how Christ loves the church, but I do not need it. When I dwell for just a few moments on how God is thinking of me, what He thinks of me and it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of who I truly am, a child of the living God.

Well anyway, I was not entirely meaning to go there at all., my true point in this is that I am not boy crazy, but I swear when I am around Godly men, I become a twelve year old girl again. It is equally annoying and frustrating. I was chatting with one of my friends about this and she said it was because they are rare and I do agree. But it's like I see everything I want in a spouse right there and then I perceive it to be something that it isn't. I almost put pressure on it. Like it needs to grow into something. Then I think all God is intended it to do is to be a witness to me. To remind me that they do exist, lol. To spur me on to be better and to help me to grow in this area, interaction with males (you might think this is weird, but I went from, when I was young, only wanting attention from boys, to kind of cutting them out of my life for awhile and not knowing how to balance it.) When boys let me down I punished myself for thinking they would actually come through. So now 10 years later I have applauded myself when I can still be myself around someone I am attracted to. Because for the longest time, I would freeze up. I would be someone different and I would tense up.

I know it is not wrong to desire a Godly man. It is a very good thing. But I don't like that I can't just enjoy it, I become weird. I feel like I ruin the light heartedness that was there. I begin to second guess myself and everything that I am doing. I want to make sure that they see me, and notice me. I know that in the worldly view of things, this is normal girl behavior. But I think it is also an indicator that there is something deeper that I need to deal with. There is something in me that needs to be brought to the surface, given over to God. I think some of it still has to do with the fact that my father was not present, I hate that it comes back to that often, but that is the reality. But then I wonder when am I going to be able to move past that. When will it end. And I truly do not think it will completely go away.

I also think that I need to, as said before and will be said later, Delve more into God, so He becomes greater and I become less. In these times when I am second guessing myself and I usually am not saying very uplifting self talk. I am frustrated and annoyed with my behavior and asking God, crying out to God saying why do I do this, every single time. When I think I just need to be getting to know Him more.

"God I know I am doing these things I hate, Please help me to make better choices. To rely on you and love like you, Help me to focus on you and others and not on myself." Ya see I think that is what happens, I stopped focusing on Him and others and began to focus on myself.

(This is why I write, because God speaks to me through it, I receive answers through it. I did not have this conclusion when I started, now I do)