I DO...

I do want to get married....

There I said it. That wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I am finally admitting that to myself. I think for a long time I didn't want to admit that I actually wanted that to be a part of my life because then I was  hoping for something that might not happen. I did not want to experience that let down. I did not want to put it out there for the world to see and then have them see me as a failure. So I did not admit that I actually do want to get married. I found that to be safer, I found it to be better to say, "I don't think I will ever be married." (which truly there is a major part of me that thinks that, that still has a twisted view of God in some ways. That I see him up there holding out as a way of teasing me)

There is still a part of me that thinks I am not worthy of marriage. ( I know many of you are rolling your eyes, or thinking how I can think that way, but if you are honest with yourselves, in those deep places there are areas where you feel this too. where you feel as though you are not worthy of ________ or that you have a distorted idea of God and you think that he is punishing you or teasing you too because something that you desire (and it is not a harmful desire) isn't happening.)

I know that this is Satan. I know that God is good, loving, and his timing and plan are completely perfect. Have I grown in this area, trusting him with everything, yes. Do I still feel as though I have a long ways to go. Most definitely.


Here is a letter I wrote to God a few weeks ago.

God,
I know where I am is where I am supposed to be. But I often feel like I am missing something. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I know there isn't, but it is hard to feel as though I am who I am supposed to be and no one seems to be attracted to it. I know this is not the point. I know all of these things, but sometimes my feelings betray what I know. And I feel as though I have tried, I have put my heart out there, but nothing is happening. Which to me means it is not right now. And there is part of me that seems to want the "for right now" in place of the forever, in place of what I really want, just so that I can feel something. I think I am saying I want experience, but really I want something mediocre until something better comes around. That will hurt more than help, thank you for protecting me from that. Even if in the moment it hurts. Even if it doesn't feel like it's what I want. I know it is what is best. And I don't want to give my heart to a bunch of people. As the song "Settled" says, "I want to save my best for the one who takes my breath."

Hold out for the real thing.

There are two songs that I cannot stop listening to. Each one reveals a different side to this. One is about holding out and waiting for something that will last. The other is for the right now. It is for instant gratification. I love them both because I understand both, but one I know is healthier. One I know is going to help me in the long run.

Settled- Icarus Account

Come Over- Sam Hunt

I want forever, not just right now. I will continue to be obedient to what God has called me to. I know He is loving and good. He is not punishing me or holding out on me. Satan does not get free reign  in my mind. I will continually replace it with truth. And I mean continually, it is a constant removal. But I know the truth. 

I am not who I once was.

So as most of you know I am in a limbo state in my life. Or a transition state. Or maybe I am just in life. That's what I would like to say. I'm just in the middle of life. Trying to figure it all out as I go. Isn't that what we are all doing anyway?! But I digress.

Also as some of you might know I want to be in ministry. Well I am actually technically in ministry right now, but I would like to be spending more time in ministry, building relationships, building curriculum, working with leaders and volunteers. I have a glimpse that I think that is what God is steering me towards. But also in my impatience I constantly hear Him saying to my wandering, questioning, planning heart, To Just Wait. Not to do nothing, but that I am just to do what is in front of me. Not to get myself to where He wants me to be eventually, but to let it happen and let Him get me there.

Well in the last few months I have had people ask or tell me that maybe I should go back to school. Get some knowledge under my belt. I have told people since I graduated from my undergrad that I did not see myself ever going back to school. Ya see school is not my favorite, which is funny because I am a teacher. But I have always done alright at school, but I have never felt driven, or the need to go above and beyond with school. I have always felt that way with people and relationships, but never with school. I have also always had a slight bout of anxiety where school is concerned. I have never felt quite capable. That my thoughts weren't important or valuable. I would rarely speak out in class even if I knew the answer because of fear.

Well I am going back to school. You probably saw where that was going. This is another step of faith that I am having to work through. I have grown a lot, in who I am because of whose I am, since the last time I was in school. But a lot of the same emotions came rushing back. Syllabus day is always my favorite day, but also with it comes a wave of panic. A stress of thinking how am I going to get all of this done. Already beginning to compare myself to my classmates, thinking that my thoughts are not as deep or profound as their thoughts. Wondering what in the world I got myself into.

And then in the midst of all of that I am reminded of that growth that I mentioned. If God asked me to do this He will see me through. I do not need to do it on my own strength. I have also learned over the years that my thoughts are important. That I am unique, that God has given me ideas that need to be shared. That I have had experiences and struggles that are unique to me and therefore my perspective is different and should be voiced. And maybe I am not as profound or deep as some, but things can be lost the deeper we go and sometimes the simple can be deeply profound, ( I found Jesus did this often).

So this is where my faith is being tested. Where I have to trust him, and him alone. As it says in Proverbs 3 I cannot lean on my own understanding. I need to trust him for the words to write. The attitude to have. It is going to be a constant struggle between my old way of thinking and my new way of thinking. I will have to continually be replacing lies, the distorted thinking, with the truth. Not truth that I can do this, and that it is all about me, but that He will do it through me. He will be the words, He will be the A's and the B's or whatever I end up getting. And the point of me doing this is is to learn. So regardless of how I do, I will be learning and achieving my one goal.

Finding love...finding God

So I have been asked to speak during LOVE month at the youth group that I volunteer with. My first thought brings me back to what one of the high school students said to me this last week. As we had an opportunity to go up to a whiteboard that was covered with a piece of white paper with the words Love Is written on it and write what we thought love was, she came up to me and said, "I don't think I will ever know what love is." And my initial reaction to her was if you know God then you know love.

But at times I feel much the same she does.

Let me start at the beginning.

Growing up I struggled to know what LOVE really is. The one relationship that is supposed to paint a beautiful picture for young children of what love looks like, the relationship of your mother and father, was torn apart when I was four, but I can imagine that before that it was not a very good depiction. Then these two people that used to "love" each other, now cannot stand each other, was very confusing for me. But also these 2 people that are supposed to show real love to you, do not, how are you supposed to have a good definition for what love is. Your mother and father, not only are showing love through their relationship with each other, but also are supposed to be showing you what love is through their relationship with you and when that doesn't happen, we struggle very much to understand love. Or I guess love was distorted and I had to create my own definition of what love was. And it was not the right one. But I would also venture to guess that back then and even now my parents, or at least one of them still, does not fully understand what love is, but instead was/is showing the definition of love that they know and where shown when they were younger.

The definition of love that was shown to me was that when the feeling is gone, get out. Or that you put in all the effort and them putting in some effort is acceptable. That it is your job to not fully be yourself, just remain steady and level, not too much of one thing because then they might not like you anymore. Do not say certain things because you might set them off. Basically love to me was do whatever you have to do to keep them happy and to not make them angry.

Throughout the years because I did not have a great definition of love and because I very much

desired to feel loved, (I think this is ingrained in us, at least women to feel loved and accepted and like we belong) I began to search for it. And because I did not know what love really meant and because in those foundational relationships I was giving so much, I took. From anyone that would give me anything. I was a plant in a drought that desperately needed water. I was reaching my roots deep and wide in order to find any place that water would quench this need for love. I desired it from boys and from my friendships with girls. I wanted to feel like I belonged. Because the one relationship where I was supposed to feel secure and loved and accepted, I did not feel any of those things. So I became THAT girl, that had daddy issues and needed love and affection.

I did that for years. Bouncing from relationship to relationship, flirting with whoever, dating whoever would love me. I gave pieces of me to many people and then when I didn't feel it anymore I was gone. Or when they left I was devastated. Because just how I felt in my relationship with my father, rejected, I was feeling here as well. And of course the questions began, the negative self talk would develop. What is wrong with me? Why didn't he stay? It had to have been my fault. Because that is how I felt in relation to my father. That if I was ______________ he would be around more, more interested. If I was more like my brother he would like me more, I almost felt as if I was missing something because he didn't seem to love me. I wasn't enough. But he wasn't around more. So it had to be me.

I've used this before, and love it so.

Finally in high school I had to stop the searching. I found myself devastated after a 3 week relationship, 3 weeks, and I thought that was ridiculous. Well I thought that after I had mourned that relationship obviously, I didn't think that right away. But 3 weeks seriously 3 weeks was all it took for you to be so committed. So torn apart when it ended. I realized that was not healthy, so I decided to not date for awhile. I decided that I needed a break, that I needed to figure out what happened  and why I was so torn up. Not so much what happened in the relationship, but what happened in my mind to fall so quickly.

Who would have thunk that because I chose to swear off guys that I would polarize myself so much. I went from one side of the spectrum to the complete opposite.

I realized I had to relearn how to relate to guys. I had to begin to not see them as a means. That they were here for me, to make me feel better. I couldn't rely on them to do that for me. It simply was not fair. I couldn't flirt with every guy that I met so that I could get attention and feel temporarily appreciated and valued. Because if I did not get the attention I was seeking then I would feel the complete opposite. I would feel hurt and down on myself. I did not want my emotions to be contingent on how a guy responded to me. I wanted to be in control of that. That I would not give guys the power to be able to influence how I felt about myself. And truly this stems so much from my relationship with my father. Because I gave him the power all the time. Anything he did either positively or negatively influenced how I saw myself. And sometimes it still kind of does. Then I have to remind myself that I give him that power. And I need to take it back.

I also realized that, as I told that student, if I have God then I am loved. I am accepted. I belong. So I do not need to continue to search for it. Because I already have it. I have moments when I stray. When I think that I need to feel it from humans. That for some reason I need their approval and that it is more important than His. Then I get hurt and I remind myself, or the Spirit does very gently, that I ALREADY am ______________. I do not need to continue looking for it. I have perfect love, why continue to strive for flawed love.

I am wanting earthly love to do only what eternal love can, save me, fill me, complete me.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But Perfect love casts out fear.

1 Corinthians 13
This has been my anthem. I know it is recited at weddings but this is not just a marital love, this is how we love everyone. How real love actually is.

And if God is love as it says in 1 John 4:8 Then we receive all of these things from him, we receive perfect love.

And we are loved by him in John 3:16 or in the entire Bible. It is a continuous story of how He works to restore our relationship, Because He loved us so much, He sent his son to be our payment for sin, so that we could finally have a life with him forever. We did nothing in that transaction. It was his love.


Because I now know who I am, or I guess whose I am, then I can spend more of my time focusing on what He wants me to be doing rather than who I need to be with. I do not need to be focusing on being in a relationship or striving for that "love" because I already had it.

I often get the question, Why are you single?

To be honest I never know how to answer that. Almost as if it is my choice, and I guess maybe it is. But I have also not found anyone yet that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Being in a relationship is no longer my focus. Doing the Father's will is my focus, finding out what my mission on this earth is is my focus. If having a family is inside his mission for me, is his will for me then I guess I will someday be in a relationship.

Now do not get me wrong. I do have moments while watching some TV show or Rom Com that I desire that type of relationship. That I would love to be in love. To know what it feels like to completely trust someone, to not want to do life without them. Seeing others in a super loving, God-centered relationship. It is a beautiful thing to behold. So maybe to someday!

I want to make a update here. My father has made huge strides in the last few years. Is he perfect, no, are any of us perfect, no. But he has done some surprising things in the past few years that have shown that he is trying, and that is all that matters to me. So as I have told many people do not stop believing, or praying, no matter how many years it feels like it has been. Do not stop being kind and loving, do not allow someone else's behavior or lack of response make you bitter or resentful. Being kind and loving can change hearts and lives, being rude, bitter or resentful will continue the pattern. Break the pattern. Choose kindness.

No Matter What

During my recent trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina accompanied by a group of high schoolers and a hand full of leaders, we went through the story of Abraham for our daily devotions.

The reason we chose Abraham's story is because our them was Riding the Wave for the week and we thought that Abraham did a good job of riding the wave that was put in front of him. Yes he made mistakes but he came back to God each time, God was faithful throughout, and in turn Abraham became more and more faithful to God.

The climax of Abraham's story, or the part of his story that people know the most, is when God asks him to sacrifice his one and only son Issac. This seems super odd to us. But Abraham was trusting God. He knew God's character so well that he knew it would all work. He saw God be faithful throughout his entire life, so why would God stop being faithful now.

The question from our devotion that day that still nags at me is this

Would you follow God no matter what?


I thought about that. That Isaac was Abraham's no matter what. And God asked Abraham to trust him with Isaac. To trust him with his no matter what.

 My follow-up question is what nags me. My follow-up question is this.

What is my no matter what?

 It's easy to say that yes I would follow God no matter what. But when push comes to shove what is that one part that I don't know if I can follow Him in, trust Him with it.

 It's easy to say that yes I trust God but when that one thing comes my way will I be able to trust him?

And I believe that our no matter what's change. And that we may not know what they are until they come our way.

There is a part of me that thinks I am very much living through my NO MATTER WHAT right now.

I do not have financial security, job security, I am far from stability in many areas in my life. The unknown has always scared me, kept me up at night, caused stress and anxiety. And my future is so unknown right now that I should be curled up in a ball. But I am not. I am choosing to trust even though everything is screaming at me to create my own future.  Everything is telling me to take control. To plan.

But then there is this whisper, wait, this whisper that sends peace throughout my entire body, and mind. It puts a smile on my face and reassures every inch of me that I am on the right path. That trusting him with everything is better than anything I could plan, plot,  or create. This is a better way of life. I am not stressing or worried, because He is going to create it for me. I merely have to walk it.

When I plan my own way, it is riddled with stress and anxiety because I am planning it myself. It is up to me, I created it, and I can make it fail.  Yes God is still in it, but I think it is up to me to make it succeed. But if God creates it, I know it will not fail. Yes I may step out of line, or I may make mistakes, but His plan will still prevail and will not fail. His plan will succeed even in spite of us.

How cool is that?!

So what is your NO MATTER WHAT? What part of your life are you still clinging to? What keeps you up at night? Because I think He may be asking that of you, to lay it at his feet and trust Him with every aspect of your life. He does not just want a part of you, as said in Revelation. He wants all of you. He tells you in Matthew to deny yourself take up your cross and follow him. In John He must become greater I must become less.

What is it for you? Are you going to continue to cling to it, to plan it out yourself, to create your own future, safe haven whatever it might be. Or are you going to stop living a life of stress and anxiety, thrown by the waves of life, as described in Ephesians. Or are you going to Ride the Wave. Which is a much more enjoyable way to live life don't ya think. With Him leading it, (giving you the waves and you on top of the wave, almost as if Jesus were your board. Navigating the wave.) Because there is only one way to live life and live it to the fullest, and that is with Jesus.

So what is your No Matter what? And what are you going to do about it. Hold it or lay it down.

Ride the wave or let the waves continually hit you and knock you over. It is up to you, always has been and always will be!

I once had plans too

Crazy to think that I am so close to not having a 2 in the front of my age anymore.

Shirt I bought for my bday from Salato on Etsy.

I often make jokes when I am working with the high schoolers and college students when they tell me their plans. I often reply, with a far off look in my eyes, I had plans once too. It is a joke. But really I once dreamt what my life would look like when I was 30. That by that time I would basically have figured out my life and then the rest of my life would be living it out. That by 30 I would have a stable job, be in a stable relationship (marriage) and be working on kid 3 of 6. (yea I know 6 is a lot). That I may be fostering a few children as well. I may at this point work from home, or work part time so that I can be there to raise my kids, and see the big moments. I thought I would have a house of my own, that was beautifully decorated and lived in. That was warm and welcoming and far from perfect, but perfect to me. That I would sit on my front porch, or back deck in the evenings after everyone was put to sleep and my husband and I would reflect on the day while sipping tea or some other hot beverage, marveling at how great our life was, how full (in a good way not in a stressed out way).

But this is not my reality. Life has a way of changing our dream, if we like it or not.

I am almost thirty. With no stable job in the near future, no stable relationship (well no relationship at all, in that way). No kids of my own, but plenty that I am in regular contact with. No house to call my own, but the one I do live in is pretty cutely decorated (I actually missed my living room when I was in Haiti, the chairs mostly, because we did not really have comfy things to sit on in Haiti, true story). I do not have a front porch or deck to sit on and marvel at my life. But when I have a chance to do that at someone else's house I take full advantage.

It is almost as if I have all of those above things, in the life I dreamed about, but just in a different way. I do have a job, of being a Christ follower and pointing people to him if that isn't a full time 24/7 type of job or way of life than I don't know what is. I do have a stable relationship, with my friends and with my Lord (which is probably the most stable relationship I will ever have.) As mentioned above I do have children that I am influencing all the time, school, youth group, church. I also have a great home, it may not be my "own" but I have made it such. I may not have a deck, but I reflect on life often. And I do work part time so that I have more time to pour into the students that God has placed in my life. So in a way I am watching them grow up.

See what I did there, instead of looking at the life I dreamed about and noticing that I do not have that, that I am not there. I am seeing how I actually do have those things, just in a way that I did not expect. And isn't that exactly how God works. He rarely, if ever, shows up or works in ways that we, as humans, might think He will.

So as I reflect on my last 3 decades of life, I would not change a thing. The good, the bad, the very ugly, the things I want to hide, the awesome experiences, the plans that didn't pan out, the heartbreak, the tears, the laughter, the goodbyes, the changes, the transitions, the whys, and the why mes, the coveting, the comparing, the highs and the lows, the low self esteem, the everything. I wouldn't change any of it. Because it has brought me to this point, this moment in time, this exact place and I can say with all assurance that I am good. I like my life (the crazy upside downness of it all). The instability of it all. Because it has forced me to trust, to trust God with it all and guess what He has showed up, He always does. But we often question if He will, but as was said in Malachi,  (3:10)Put him to the test and see what He does. (Do not take that out of context, it is meaning put your money where your mouth is and trust him, and see if he is who he says he is)

I have learned to trust him over the last 30 years in ways that I could not have fathomed. With my heart, my finances, my mind, my relationship status, my job, my direction, my purpose, my friendships.

30 isn't so bad. Anyone who is older than me is thinking, "No it isn't bad, and no I didn't have my life together either." Anyone younger than me is thinking that is too old, and probably also thinking that by 30 they need to have their life together too.

So here is to the next 30 and I will probably also feel like I do not have life figured out, but what I do know is who my focus is on and that changes everything and directs everything I do, best decision I made, to follow Christ. I am less stressed, I am less worried, less fearful, because my God is big and can handle it all. More focused on being positive, and loving others and truly trying to live like Jesus when he was on this planet. Those are my goals for the next 30.

I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

Rediscovering Christmas 3

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Rediscovering Christmas 
Rediscovering Christmas 2

Reading Mark 9:33-37

This passage is when Jesus asks his disciples what they were talking about. They do not want to tell him because they were arguing about who was the greatest or as I say, the favorite. Then he tells them that they need to serve. And being a servant means you are the lowest. PERIOD. Then it doesn't matter where you rank because you, by being a servant, have placed yourself on the bottom.

My human side of me starts to rebuke that a bit, and thinks that it is self deprecating to live like this. Then people will walk all over you. You will need to at some point stick up for yourself. Then I remember Jesus. Who could have come into this world in a blaze of glory, but he didn't. He came in as a helpless, fragile, baby. And not with a crazy reception, in a beautiful home/inn. Where everyone was there to witness it. But in a stable or cave with no witnesses but the mother and the father. He could have risen into power. But He chose to spend most of his time with those that were not powerful, that were placed on the outside of society. He made himself low with every choice he made, the connections he had, and even where he spent his time.

The next part of this section Jesus brings a child to himself and remarks that anyone who receives a child in Jesus's name receives Jesus and whoever receives Jesus receives the one who sent Jesus, the father, God.

Right after Jesus talks about being a servant and making yourself last, he talks about receiving a child. I do not think these are separate I think they go together. People to do not often think of children well. Not that they dislike them, but more so that children are naive and cannot contribute to society yet... the list can go on. I think of the saying "A child should be seen and not heard." They do not have anything meaningful to contribute. But here Jesus is saying that they do, they have meaning, they should be thought of, welcomed in, brought up, received. I would make the parallel that children are low, just as a servant is meant to be low. That children are like the outsiders that Jesus strove to connect with. And we must connect with them too, not just when they get older, but now, when they are young. They do have contributions, we think they are naive, but really they trust wholeheartedly. They have not been tainted by the world yet. They trust because they have not been given a reason not to yet.

It is interesting to think that a child/children were so close to Jesus that he was able to take one in his arms with ease. Children were around him and He didn't seem to mind.

Where do you spend the majority of your time, who is there, what are you doing? Are you serving, or being served? Take time this Christmas season to serve.