Do not harden your hearts

The theme of Hebrews is Christ is greater than any angel, priest, or old covenant institution; thus each reader, rather than leaving such a great salvation, is summoned to hold on by faith to the true rest found in Christ and to encourage others in the church to persevere.

Starting in chapter three of Hebrews, the author who we do not know, writes about how Jesus is greater than Moses. He says that Moses is the servant in God’s house, and Jesus is the son of the house in essence. And we are his house, if we choose to be. He built us, resides in us.

Then he goes on to say in verses 7-15

A Rest for the People of God

⁷ Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
⁸ do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
    on the day of testing in the wilderness,
⁹ where your fathers put me to the test
    and saw my works for forty years.
¹⁰ Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
    they have not known my ways.’
¹¹ As I swore in my wrath,
    ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

¹² Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. ¹⁵ As it is said,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

You have a choice to make. To Be Open.

Open your eyes and see him. I mean hello have you looked around you. His beauty is all around you. This screams of an intelligent creator, it could not have just happened.

You have been asked to open your ears. He is calling out to you. He is whispering things to you, that He loves you, cares for you, and knows you and STILL loves you.

And now you have a lot of knowledge, and you have a choice, you can either open your heart to Him, or continue to harden it.

Just as the author of Psalm said, who originally penned these words from Hebrews, will you be like your fathers, who SAW everything that God did for forty years, parting the Red Sea, bringing manna from the sky (food falling down or appearing, whichever it is amazing), the plagues in Egypt. The water out of the rock. So many things they watched and their hearts were hardened toward God.

The opposite of hard is… Soft. That is right. So things can get inside of them. Take this apple for instance, I can jab a fork into it, take this rock I cannot.

God wants to be in our lives, But the condition of our hears is up to us, will we allow him in, will we open the door?

We have a choice, it is either to open up to him, or harden our hearts.

I know what you are thinking though, you are thinking, “Erica, it is hard to open my heart, it is not that easy.”

And I would say I totally get it, it isn’t always easy.

Side note, I was writing this lesson and thinking about opening doors to Jesus and how it seems so easy. But then I thought of all those doors that are not easy to open.

I hate when doors have a pull handle, but really you have to push it, so you look like an idiot trying to pull open a push door, or when they keep one side locked, but not the other side, why, for your own amusement, and to humiliate me, but for real I hate that.  Or those times you think its going to be easy to open the door and it isn’t so your arm just kind of buckles under you and you end up running right into the door. It is not always easy to JUST open the door.

I believe one thing the Israelites lacked when they were marching through the desert was a connection to their heart, yes they SAW all of these things that God did, these amazing things, but they never let them penetrate into their heart.

So when life would come they would be thrown all around, not holding fast or standing firm on their hope in Christ as it says in verse 6. “If indeed we hold fast our confidence and our boasting in our hope.” I am reading through Exodus right now and it is crazy to me how quickly they doubt God’s presence after he just showed up in an amazing way. They had people around them with unbelieving hearts leading them astray. They allowed sin to creep in and cause them to doubt God, and in turn it hardened their hearts even more.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to continue to be like one of the Israelites of old and harden your heart toward God? Forgetting everything you have seen and heard him do and say? Or are you going to open your heart toward him, allowing him to come in and change your life.

This is not easy, again, it is difficult. A lot of that is because our hearts are already locked up , so opening them is really difficult.

Opening up the heart, being vulnerable is scary, and intimidating. We do not naturally want to let people in. The real us is usually locked up. We have built these locks all around our hearts to protect them. The first lock went on when one of our parents left, or was far less than what a parent is meant to be. The next lock went on when someone we trusted hurt us, they took advantage of us. Another lock went on when that boy or girl broke our heart and it turns out they didn’t care about us at all. The next lock went on when we really wanted that position, or that team or ____________ that we were hoping for and it didn’t work out, so now we are telling ourselves to not even hope for anything at all. Because it is better than getting hurt. Another one goes on when people say we are ugly, worthless, and will never amount to anything. Another when your friends, who you thought were really good friends, start some bogus rumors, or even worse, they share your secrets with everyone. And we think I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them.

And now our heart looks a lot like this. Chained up and locked up.

So now our heart is impossible to open.

I am right there with ya,  exhausted with hustling with the world. With trying to make it in this world, by this world’s standards. Ya see I am not skinny minnie, I never have been I was a 9 lb baby, okay.  I hated that I just couldn’t be like the girls that wear smalls, and do not even get me started on those that wear extra small. It just wasn’t fair. I was sick of my friends using me, and talking bad about me behind my back, and literally cutting me out of their lives for months at a time. I hated myself, and blamed myself for where I was and who I was. So one day it came to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was sick of not having value, feeling worthless, running after attention from anyone who would give it to me. My chains and locks that I had been building for years were rattling, my heart couldn’t take it anymore. It wanted freedom. My heart wanted to be free.

I finally came to a place where I had to give my lock to Jesus, I had to let him in. I had to surrender, chains and all at his feet, and hope he would take me the mess I was and all. I picture crawling to him with these chains in my hands, begging him to take it all. And he looks at me with the most compassionate face, reaches out his hand, says, “Daughter, I have always been here.” And he did. I have never looked back at that person I was before I finally feel to my knees before him. NEVER

I finally chose to stop hardening my heart and to open it. Chains, locks, and all laying it at his feet.

So what is it for you? You have a choice just as I did, harden your heart or open it. You have locks and chains around your heart too. They are keeping you from opening your heart. What are they?

Opening up your heart to God is not a one time thing. It is a daily thing. It is continually allowing him in everyday. Because as we have seen with the Israelites life can creep in, sin can creep in and harden our hearts, but if we come back to him each time, our heart will remain soft.

¹² Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. 

Be around people that also want to put Jesus first. The people you are around matters.

I’m a four

Photo cred: Mady Haight 

Continuing the discussion about becoming more self-aware. click here for the first one.

I have been hearing a lot about the Enneagram, a personality test basically. Well actually I have been hearing about it a lot from 1 person in particular, Annie F Downs. Then a few of my friends have gotten into it as well.

There are 9 types.

I have taken the test. But also heard that you should read about them too in order to truly get an idea about your type. Well I am not an expert, but I am reading a lot about it. I listened to Annie interview people associated with all the numbers and felt that I was as a 4. So I read about a 4 in The Road Back to You, and feel as though someone is in my brain. This is what people have said is an indication of finding your number. You feel too seen and it feels weird. These things that we actually try to keep hidden are now out in the open. And that is how it feels while reading the 4. When I listened to all the interviews I definitely could relate to bits from everyone; which they say is true. But there is one number that you feel stronger towards. Reading the 4 was hard,  because it resonated so much it felt intrusive. Almost as if someone was invading my privacy.

Some things that stuck out to me about the 4 were not enjoying unsparingly optimistic people. Feeling strongly almost all the time. Being dictated by my feelings. Melancholy is a dear friend of my mine and it is not a scary place but comfortable. It is easier for me to feel sad than happy.

Sad songs have always been my favorite. I feel as though they emote more than a happy song. Even more I have come to realize that I don’t think happiness is a true emotion. I know it is, but I feel like it will leave, so I don’t allow myself to feel it, or I feel like it’s always tainted. This is something I am working on because it’s not the most healthy. I should be able to indulge in happiness fully submersed in it without the fear of it leaving. I also find that I never want to hear that everything is awesome from someone, I want the Real which I think means the hard, difficult stuff. And for some reason I think authentic means deep and sad, not happy. It seems slightly twisted, but very much the truth. (Don’t get me wrong I am happy from time to time)

I used to always play the victim, which  is a 4 thing when they are unhealthy, I still have to fight that urge. I actually have to ask myself, “Do you think they were trying to hurt you?” Which most often I can answer no.  I used to use this, playing the victim, to manipulate others into giving me attention. I would put myself out during group situations in the hopes of people bringing me in. Which more often than not backfired and I felt horrible about myself afterwards. Very self deprecating. Putting myself down all the time.

I have grown a ton and become healthier. But I do think the Enneagram has helped me to see that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are not unique to me, but others have them too. Which is nice to know I’m not, ya know, just difficult.

The four is known as the Romantic, which is kind of funny because I do not think that I am romantic at all. But then I think about it and I very much desire romantic things. I imagine them happening to me, they do not very often and usually that is because I downplay them and cringe at cheesy things, so of course someone is not going to think that I like sappy, thought out, acts. But I secretly do. I am just afraid to voice it, because I have been let down a lot in my life, so I pretend I do not like them so I do not get letdown, but I do like them. This is also why I do not get super excited about things in my life. I mean do don’t get me wrong, I do get excited, but if I can get hurt it is much harder for me to get my hopes up. The four is also known as the individualist. They value being unique and different. When your focus is to be unique and different all the time you can become pretty self-absorbed. I know we all are at times, but I feel I struggle a lot with selfishness.

I also think that I fantasized or idealized things in my life. So nothing really in life lives up to that and I think it must be wrong, whatever the it is. Job, guy, opportunity. 4's always think something is missing in their life. I think this is my fantasizing. Because it doesn't live up to the fantasy, then it is missing something and must not be right so I need to get out of it. I am really working on not allowing this to ruin good things in my life.

Fours are a bit more creative, and have maybe felt as though they never really fit in or belonged. I have seriously felt this way my entire life, as though I was born at the wrong time or do not quite fit with people. So it was nice, again, to know I am not the only one and not crazy. Which kind of goes against wanting to be original, but ya know I am a conundrum.

If you’d like to learn more, read up on it, or take a quiz to find your type please check out these resources. The enneagram is simply another tool in better understanding who you are, your strengths and vices and how to work through them. I am using this through a Gospel lens, And believe God is using this to help change me for the better!!!

Resources- The Road Back to You- Book

Your Ennegram Coach website

Enneagram Institute.https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

No Matter What

During my recent trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina accompanied by a group of high schoolers and a hand full of leaders, we went through the story of Abraham for our daily devotions.

The reason we chose Abraham's story is because our them was Riding the Wave for the week and we thought that Abraham did a good job of riding the wave that was put in front of him. Yes he made mistakes but he came back to God each time, God was faithful throughout, and in turn Abraham became more and more faithful to God.

The climax of Abraham's story, or the part of his story that people know the most, is when God asks him to sacrifice his one and only son Issac. This seems super odd to us. But Abraham was trusting God. He knew God's character so well that he knew it would all work. He saw God be faithful throughout his entire life, so why would God stop being faithful now.

The question from our devotion that day that still nags at me is this

Would you follow God no matter what?


I thought about that. That Isaac was Abraham's no matter what. And God asked Abraham to trust him with Isaac. To trust him with his no matter what.

 My follow-up question is what nags me. My follow-up question is this.

What is my no matter what?

 It's easy to say that yes I would follow God no matter what. But when push comes to shove what is that one part that I don't know if I can follow Him in, trust Him with it.

 It's easy to say that yes I trust God but when that one thing comes my way will I be able to trust him?

And I believe that our no matter what's change. And that we may not know what they are until they come our way.

There is a part of me that thinks I am very much living through my NO MATTER WHAT right now.

I do not have financial security, job security, I am far from stability in many areas in my life. The unknown has always scared me, kept me up at night, caused stress and anxiety. And my future is so unknown right now that I should be curled up in a ball. But I am not. I am choosing to trust even though everything is screaming at me to create my own future.  Everything is telling me to take control. To plan.

But then there is this whisper, wait, this whisper that sends peace throughout my entire body, and mind. It puts a smile on my face and reassures every inch of me that I am on the right path. That trusting him with everything is better than anything I could plan, plot,  or create. This is a better way of life. I am not stressing or worried, because He is going to create it for me. I merely have to walk it.

When I plan my own way, it is riddled with stress and anxiety because I am planning it myself. It is up to me, I created it, and I can make it fail.  Yes God is still in it, but I think it is up to me to make it succeed. But if God creates it, I know it will not fail. Yes I may step out of line, or I may make mistakes, but His plan will still prevail and will not fail. His plan will succeed even in spite of us.

How cool is that?!

So what is your NO MATTER WHAT? What part of your life are you still clinging to? What keeps you up at night? Because I think He may be asking that of you, to lay it at his feet and trust Him with every aspect of your life. He does not just want a part of you, as said in Revelation. He wants all of you. He tells you in Matthew to deny yourself take up your cross and follow him. In John He must become greater I must become less.

What is it for you? Are you going to continue to cling to it, to plan it out yourself, to create your own future, safe haven whatever it might be. Or are you going to stop living a life of stress and anxiety, thrown by the waves of life, as described in Ephesians. Or are you going to Ride the Wave. Which is a much more enjoyable way to live life don't ya think. With Him leading it, (giving you the waves and you on top of the wave, almost as if Jesus were your board. Navigating the wave.) Because there is only one way to live life and live it to the fullest, and that is with Jesus.

So what is your No Matter what? And what are you going to do about it. Hold it or lay it down.

Ride the wave or let the waves continually hit you and knock you over. It is up to you, always has been and always will be!

I.AM.EXACTLY.WHERE.I.AM.MEANT.TO.BE.

People may call it a transition, I know I did. But really a transition is leaving one thing and getting ready for something else. So life, indeed, could be a transition. One very large transition, splattered with a ton of little transitions.

Transitions are necessary, they are the learning periods. But for some reason they are viewed as less than, at least by me. But they have purpose, even if they may not feel as though they do. I think that is because I have not viewed it as a transition, because usually in a transition what you are moving into is known, that is what you are transitioning into.

I guess this time I have seen as waiting. And we, especially in America, are not fond of waiting, we see it as time wasted. Hello microwave, and drive thrus. Waiting has no meaning until you get to THAT place, to the front, until you have arrived. Then it gains meaning. And we view that time waiting as a waste of my precious time. But the thing with God is that He knows exactly how precious that time is, and I cannot imagine Him wasting valuable time. But what is interesting is what his definition of wasted time vs. our definition of wasted time. We see it as a waste, but maybe in that line we were right where we were supposed to be. And it wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't a waste. And maybe we missed the entire point, because we are so used to being on the move. That waiting, standing/sitting still for too long, is not okay.

I know for me it seems like I am wasting my time when I do not feel as though I am doing anything, doing anything valuable, making a difference, that my job is not this grand thing. That I do not have a full time job, or that I am not settling down, or starting a family.

And what I have come to realize is that these things, most of these things are societal norms that I have put on myself as universally normal. That without them I am behind or missing out.

And I imagine to Him wasting my time would be relying on myself too much, and taking my focus off of Him. But even in that he can use it, and usually does. So then is it a waste? Maybe it's when I become caught up in this world. But even then, is that wasted or would He see it as missed opportunities, not being obedient, bumps in the road, lessons that need to be learned, hitting bottom so that I can realize I cannot do it on my own and I do not need to.

I have struggled with not feeling as though I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and not being where I should be. But truly I can say that I think I am right where I am supposed to be right now. That is no other place I am supposed to be. Just maybe it is all part of his grand plan.What is funny is if you read this a few months ago, on these two posts, number 1, and post number 2 and reading this now, you would think I was bi polar. That I had some serious issues. But I can say that I am the happiest, which I know is not the point, that I have been in a while. And what is also really great about it, is that nothing has really changed. I have not received an amazing job offer, I have not found my niche, I have not arrived, so to speak, but my outlook has changed. I am truly trusting God. And man as they say, it is sweet!
He is providing for me. I have enough work to keep the bill collectors at bay, kidding, kind of, and enough me time to keep me sane. God is very good. And I am not having to say this to remind myself, I feel it, it is like a rock my foundation is built on.


I do not have a full time job, a husband, a place to call my own, I am not settled down, but I know I am right where I am meant to be. And there is meaning and value in this time, in this waiting time. It is not wasted. He is working a new in me. I mean hello those two previous posts and this one. I wondered if it would happen, that shift in my life, and I think I thought it would happen when I received what I was looking for, but God has different plans and they are far superior to mine. Next time I will share more about what I think I am learning in this time, (funny how I try to figure out what God is trying to teach me, so foolish, He will blow it all out of the water.)

I love this song by Hillsong called Captain. Especially these lyrics.

This is not a love story.

There are things in everyone of us that are dark. They are the things that we think and we know that we cannot say. They are the things about us that we think if people knew they would no longer want to be associated with us. Or they give us that pity face, you know what I am talking about, that face that is accompanied by, "You know that isn't true, right?" They are the deepest darkest spaces in us. They are the thoughts that the instant we think them we shame ourselves for, or not you, oh ok then just me. They are the things inside of us that are so twisted, how can we not think we are messed up. How can we think we are okay. They are the things that keep me up at night, that make it difficult to be alone and to be silent. They are the parts that I hate about myself and that I imagine if you actually thought about it you hate them about yourself too. And if you think that you do not have these dark places then I would take a guess that you are running from them and have been for a long time. Because we all have them. We just don't want to think about them because they remind us that we are severely flawed. They remind us that we are screwed up, so we work at avoiding these areas. But when you are alone often and silent often they will creep up, and it is okay, let them, face them.

The problem is we never talk about them. The reason we never talk about them is all written in the paragraph above.

Get back to those deep dark places in a minute.

People always say that love finds you when you least expect it. Well I can say that is true. <DISCLAIMER> But as the tagline says this is not a love story, (reminds me of 500 Days of Summer).

If you do not want to continue I will understand, if you are one of those people that need a happy ending, you might not want to read the rest. For those brave souls, who do not mind, messy, not neatly tied up with a bow, you may continue reading. 

As most of you know I was serving this summer in Haiti. I was a mess all of the time, looked it and kind of felt it. I would not say that I was at my best at all. And I was blindsided by someone telling me that they had feelings for me.

Timeout- (like in Saved by the Bell)

This does not happen to me. I do not have a line of suitors at my door. I do not have any suitors at my door. And seriously the last time someone told me that they liked me was in university. This, I repeat, does not happen to me.

Time in-

I did not necessarily have the same feelings for this individual. But over the next week and a half feelings started to develop. But I had no idea what I was doing. None what so ever. As I mentioned this does not happen to me.

Well I left and he stayed. I never understood what was so difficult about long distance relationships and I never understood because I was never in one. But they are hard. very hard. And for many reasons this relationship did not pan out.

I think part of me was trying to make it work, because I am getting older and the suitors, as mentioned before, are not knocking down my door. I think a part of me, that dark part of me, thought this was my chance. So I had to make it work.

I did like him, do not get me wrong, but I think the doubts I was having, I would gloss over them because this was my chance.

And now that it is over and done. The even darker part of me, the irrational dark part of me (which I think all of the dark parts of us are irrational and over dramatic) thinks that was my chance and I blew it. That was my one chance. Because the root of that dark twisted vine is that I am difficult and hard and screwed up, too screwed up. That I had a great guy and couldn't make it work. It was me, my fault, I am to blame. I have come so far in my self-concept. But this reminds me I am still a work in progress.

These are the dark parts. The dark parts that no one talks about, the parts that I know I have to talk about, not for attention but because I give the dark too much credit and really all the dark needs is light and it is not so scary anymore. It will become a large monster, if I do not talk about it, if I do not shed some light on it, If I do not see that it is just a coat on a coat rack. To see it for what it really is a lie.

Because I didn't screw it up, it isn't my one shot. It is not my fault. The truth is it was not meant to be. And the even deeper truth, I am not to blame.

I want to be excited about someone, cannot get enough of someone, passionate about them, putting them above myself. And this I was not. So after a month, I was bored, I almost felt like we had been together for longer, not in the romantic I feel like I've known him all my life, but in the I am having to choose to like him. After a month that should not be happening.

This has nothing to do with him. He is great. And he deserves someone who is excited about him as well. It is not fair to him.

The dark places exist in all of us. Some of us are more introspective than others and dive into these places, and it overcomes them for a period of time (me). Some run from them, busying their lives so that they do not have to think about it, they hate being alone because they actually do not really like themselves all that much.

Psalm 66:10-12
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance


This is what I feel like God is doing right now, refining. Bringing light to those dark places that I do not talk about. Because when we bring light to it we see it for what it really is, a lie.

The truth will set you free, but you have to know it first. John 8:32


What I am reading-
 a book right now called Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.
Psalms of Gratitude from She Reads Truth
And Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban!

Grown WEARY and lost HEART.

So I spent a lot of time wondering why I am feeling this way.

Why I cannot seem to emote at all.

Why simply doing the little things throughout my day seem like a victory.

A little side note. Some of the things that I am doing that feel like a victory.
-Making my bed
-opening the blinds/shades
-doing the dishes daily (which is not a norm in my house, lol)
-Working out
-continuing with my commitments, church, youth group, small group, work.

Small victories, but they are keeping me going.

I almost feel like my mind is doing what your body does when it experiences too much at one time. Your body goes into shock, and I almost feel like my mind is going into shock (now please do not get all medical and sciencey on me, this is my understanding of what I am going through.)

I almost feel like everything I have experienced, am experiencing, am seeing throughout this world too much and it is creating a sense of hopelessness in me. And that hopelessness is turning into apathy, and asking this question, What is the point?

I KNOW there is a point. I KNOW there is hope. I KNOW that God is greater than all of these things. I KNOW all of that.

And normally I can remind myself of these truths when I get lost in this world of heartache and brokenness. But for some reason right now, I almost feel like the switch won't lift. Almost like the hopeful, God, light switch in my mind which is usually turned on and going strong, that will start to slowly move toward turning off when I take a look at this world we live in, but I catch it, and I remind myself who God is and then it quickly turns back on, and then as the world starts to encroach it starts to slowly move to off again but I catch it. I almost feel like right now it is off, and the reminding isn't working right now. No matter how much I try it will not lift. And maybe that is the point, I am trying to lift it, I am trying to change it. Maybe I need to put my word of the year to use and simply have faith and trust that He will change it, that He will lift it once again, because let's be real I never actually lifted it in the first place did I. Our natural inclination as humans is not to be positive and see the good. So that has to be Him, any trace of it has to be Him, John 3:21. Maybe I need to be in it, and allow His timing to see me through.

Because of those things above that I KNOW, they will see me through.

(I want  you to realize that I am saying these things as a reminder, because I certainly do not feel them right now, and doubt creeps in each time I say the promises of God)

I think I have allowed the world to jade me a bit. I have lost heart and grown weary. From a very short video that I just watched, I am reminded that others must be feeling this way too.

Oh Moses

So I have always been pretty hard on Moses.

When God first calls him to lead the Israelites and calls him to talk to Pharaoh, Moses makes excuses. He comes up with so many and God dismisses every one of them with truth. The truth that if you have God you cannot fail.

I always was annoyed with Moses in this moment. I always felt like he was a coward and so insecure.  I mean come on, God is talking directly to you and you are going to be scared of doing what he asks. Come on Moses.

Right now I have a new appreciation for Moses and his struggles. I may make this be a bigger deal than it is, which Moses probably did too. God is asking me to speak. To speak to people about Him. But I doubt my ability to speak. I doubt my voice. My unique voice.

God, like He did with Moses (maybe not to such a great degree but it is all for the kingdom), is calling me to speak this summer. To use the unique voice that He gave me to share His words this summer. And I doubt it. I question if I am capable. I sound like Moses when I say seriously God who am I, that I should do this. (Exodus 3:11). And God says to Moses (and me), "I will be with you."  (Exodus 3:12) That is basically all He says to Moses. I am with you. Because truly that is enough.

I do not feel qualified to be doing what I am doing this summer. Leading these people, speaking to these people, and maybe really I am not qualified. But God says, "I am with you." And that is enough and should be enough.

I have not officially left yet for Haiti, still in training. And feeling as though I may be failing in some areas, but as I have been saying I feel like we are our own worst critic. But even if I fail, even if I completely botch something, He still is there. He still is with me. He still loves me and did not abandon me.

This scripture came up in my Jesus Calling today.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"I am with you."
It has to be enough.

A beautiful mess-living life with people

Yesterday was rough.

It started rough and ended pretty rough.

There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.

But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.

It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.

Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.

You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.

Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.

I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.

I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.

One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.

I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.

So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.

I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.

It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.

 It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.

But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.

To recognize... me.

I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.

But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.

I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.

I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.

I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.

But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.

I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.

Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.

(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)

It's like a gentle slap in the face.

SO I feel like every time I have opened up my Bible or devotional book this week. God has been gently slapping me across the face. Not really because He is so much gentler than that. But He has been a working.

Here is the first occurrence
So we always say that God works in crazy ways. And He so does. I was going through my bank account last night, paying bills and what not. I should have done this a week ago, when I got paid, but I slacked and then money goes and I wonder how I am going to pay everything this month. Lesson learned.

But last night I started to stress over my money. My credit card has a lot of money on it, and I have no idea how it got up that high, and does not seem to go down, because I never use it anymore. But that is a constant battle. I found myself feeling crippled again under all of my debt. And I do not just have credit card, I also have student loan debt.

I dwelled on it for a little bit last night, not majorly like I have done in the past. But I did start to worry a bit. Just thinking that I feel as though I am never going to be debt free. Or the debt just seems to never be going down, even though I pay so much on it. Whatever the thoughts could be  they were.

I was able to sleep just fine last night. Which shows that it didn't completely rock me. I had a little trouble because of a mental to do list and I finally had to write it down and then I was good to go.

Today when I woke up to do my devotional, I was getting ready for my youth Sunday School class this morning, The entire thing was about wealth. And that if you value wealth you cannot also value God. It came from James and various other places in the Bible. But it hit me like a brick. I do not need a lot of money. Because even last night I was thinking of ways that I need to make more money. I do have an awesome company that I work for and I could put more effort into that so then I could earn more money. But this morning I felt as though God was reminding me that more money does not change bad spending habits. If you want to read about that one, click on the previous text. God was also reminding me that we are not called to be wealthy, if that happens then awesome, but that shouldn't be my goal in life. To fill it with things and money. It should be to dwell in the Lord. Jer. 9:22-23

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, ²⁴ but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Psalm 37:4 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Our focus needs to be on God. ALL THE TIME. For moments last night, it was on money. And money is a real issue. We are so blessed in this country. Now with that does come more responsibility. Like bills and other payments. So you for sure do not feel like we are very rich people in the world. But the truth is we are. 

(random side note, I hope that no English majors read this and dissect my horrid grammar skills.) 

Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Money, with me, may always be tight, because for one, I do not always care to put in that crazy work ethic. But God will bless whatever I do if I am abiding in Him and trusting Him and Delighting in Him. 

My next two have been while doing my Gideon study. I have been feeling frustrated while working with the youth. I love them, they are quirky and have not been horribly tainted by the world yet, but I see the world slowly seeping in. What has been hard is seeing them turn their backs on God all the time. They give Him their seconds, oh let's be honest it's their tenths. And they care more about their friend's perception of them than God's.

I have been reminded lately that I was just like that, and at times I am like that, I would fit God into my plans, and I would act one way at church or youth group and then a completely different way at school or with my friends. And God was so patient. He was so loving. He gentling pursued me. And I realized that I need to be that way with these kids too. Gentle and patient. And while reading Gideon God is so patient with Him. Gideon asks for so many signs to confirm what He already knows God has asked him to do. He never got frustrated with Gideon, He never got angry, He patiently and gently gave him signs. He knew Gideon was afraid. God even initiates one of the tasks that can help with Gideon's confidence.If God, who has every reason to be frustrated with how we act, can be so abundantly patient, how much more patient with people should we be.

The next way that God has been talking to me is through my lack of faith in when He has called me to do something. Right now it is in going to Haiti. I know that I am meant to be there, but that does not make getting up in front of 30 people every night easier. It doesn't minimize the crazy responsibility that comes along with leading a team. I have been lacking confidence in myself, which in turn is me lacking confidence in God.

Gideon had these same thoughts. That is why he asked for confirmation. I do hope that one day I have a faith that does not require confirmation. But right now I am not there yet. I tend to need to talk things over with people, after I feel God nudging me in a particular direction. This is not always bad, but we should trust the Spirit and have faith and walk in that when we do what we are being asked to do.

Priscilla, the writer of the study, makes a clear distinction between two different types of confirmation. Either you are asking for caution, or because of doubt and unbelief. What is important here is the heart behind it all. One is asking for clarity from a true sense of faith, our faith needs only to be strengthened, the other is asking from a place of ignoring what has already been said and not desiring to move in faith. Mine is a lack of faith, it needs only to be strengthened.

I also realized that many people in the Bible did not feel qualified for what He was calling them to do. That is where God can come in and show His power. If you  think you are qualified then God will be getting you the victory, but you will think you did it all.

Right now I am lacking confidence in my ability. But I do know in the core of who I am that God is bigger than it all. And He hasn't failed and He won't start now.

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

He has got my back and wants what is best for me.

These are truths that I say to myself when doubt or insecurity start to creep in, which they do, often.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this.

SO life.

It is constantly changing, constantly throwing curve balls. You are forced to constantly be flexible and adjust. You have to.  You have to take the good with the bad. Enjoy having something awesome happen and then the next second something terrible happens. You have to be flexible and adjust. Or you let it over take you.

My best friend, I feel weird saying best friend when I am my age but she is my go to person and so that I think makes her my best friend, left this morning to go back to Romania. The first time she did this in March was very difficult for me. She was, as I said back then, my only friend. I felt as though I did not have any other friends. Now to be fair, I did not have another friend that I could go to all the time, but I have come to realize that she can still be my go to. Over those past few months that she was gone, she was still my go to person. Distance does not change that.

But I realized over those months that I do have friends. They may not be the friends that I call at the last moment to do something, I may need to be a little more proactive in hang outs, but I do have friends. Did I miss my friend yes, Did I sit at home for days on end thinking "Whoa is me, my friend left?" No, okay not days on end, but maybe a weekend night here or there.

When she first left, it was also hard because I felt as though I was being left behind. That she was moving on in her life and I was left here, stuck in mine. But that also has changed. I think I felt that way because I truly wasn't doing much with my life. Now do not get me wrong, I was still being productive and building relationships, but I think I was wasting some of my precious time. And I also think that I had a bad attitude about where my life was anyway, but when she was here we were in the same boat. But when she left I felt stuck. But of course I would feel that way, I felt stuck before she left, but she was there with me, so we were "stuck" together, but when she left then I really left it.

Since then I have realized that I am here for a reason, I am not moving anytime soon, so I need to start to get involved and develop roots here. So my mindset toward my life has changed in the few months that she has been gone. So I do not feel left, I feel as though I have the privilege of staying. (Would I love to go, YES, if you have read this blog for any period of time you know I love to travel, but there are beautiful people and things that I can do here, and should do here) I am more focused on here and now, than on the future (but do not get me wrong the future is still one of my struggles).

I also realized in the time that she was gone, that I did survive. When she was in the process of leaving I kept saying, "What am I going to do?" That was a common thought in my mind. But I did do a lot. And I have learned that people will come and go, physically and emotionally. But that does not have to change everything. It will be hard, but it shouldn't rock you completely. But also I built friendships, I made plans, I lived and in some ways thrived. Life still goes on.

But one thing that I realized in this last month with having her back is that yes life was great when she was gone, but life is just a little better when she is here. I did just fine without her. I can live without her. We can live without many people that we think we cannot. But it's more about the fact that I do not necessarily want to. I do not want to live without these people. I do think that these people can become security blankets and maybe God is taking them (physically, emotionally) away from you, so that you can rely more on Him than on them. Maybe He needs to do the same thing for them that He is doing for you. People should not and cannot take the place of God. They will never match up. They will let us down from time to time, we are human. But God will not let us down.

Since living at home, my main people have left. The ones that I go to for everything have left. It started when I first moved back and then God brought someone else into my life. Now it is happening here and I wonder who God will be bringing into my life this year. These people that I have always gone to are not being replaced by any means. They are being added to. The two people mentioned above are still my go to people, just miles separate us, so physically being together is tough, but they are still there to listen to me and my issues. Which they may have received a late night phone call or two.

Perspective is truly everything. I know people joke about glass half empty or half full. But truly your perspective on your situation is everything. It can change everything, while actually changing nothing.

I almost do not recognize the person writing this. So much has changed in 4 months. While so much has really stayed the same. But I see it completely different.

Random side note. It is still very sad that she is leaving. I am listening to One Direction while I write this and it almost brings me to tears. I will miss her very much do not get me wrong. But I do know I can survive, even thrive if she is not here, but that makes the time when she is here, even sweeter.

Be careful to not put people in the place of God. They are not meant to be there. It is not really fair to them and then when they do let you down or fail you in some way it will shatter you more than it should. Or when they move it will be devastating because you have built them up to be everything. Or you could be this for someone, they could be putting you on a pedestal, be a good example, but also encourage them to not do this because when you do let them down and you will, it could affect them greatly.

Mo money, Mo problems

I have asked for God to stretch me I belive He has been doing that. As mentioned before I had some minor health issues come yo. I have mostly healed from those, but still trust God that it is all healing correctly. That is everything is good. Bit one thing I knew was coming, and dreading were the bills that would come after the fact. They never tell you how much it is going to cost, its like a sneak attack. But I had to go, and now I have to pay for it. I do have insurance, but really that means. Nothing. My insurance is so bad. Let's be real my insurance is really me trusting God that the money will come from somewhere to help cover the costs. I only really have catastrophe insurance. This was not a catastrophe. I am paying for it.

So before I dealt with trusting God with my health and I am being asked to trust Him financially. I have been doing this for many years. But I think this is the big one. I truly do not know how this one is going to happen. I have 3 bills coming my way. I have received one of them and my health savings account will cover that one. So that is good. God prepared me a bit for some of this and I was able to put some money away for it. But the next one is my big one. And I thought this first would be my cheap one and it was not as cheap as I thought it was going to be. So I am kinda scared to see what my next one is going to look like. And my last one is from an urgent care and who knows what those cost. This is where I need to trust. I had no choice but to go to the doctor and God will have a way for me to pay for it. It could be done in a variety of ways. Who am I to name them, He works in mysterious ways.

As I write this I cannot sleep becuase I cannot stop my mind. My mind is running through all of the scenarios. I write this because truly this is how I have to get it out. If I do not write this I will continue to mull over what is ahead of me.

I also do not always think that we need more money to solve these problems either. Yes we could try and do a few things to create a little more income to help with these unexpected bills. But I find that truly mo money means mo problems. Because I find that when I have more money I do not use it wisely. I do not save, or give or use it where it is needed. I end up eating out more or buying more things because I know I have the extra money. So yes I have been asking God to create little opportunities for me to make a little extra money, but nothing extravagent. (side note, with my network marketing company I found that I was making a lot of extra money, but not using it wisely. I have no idea where that extra money went to, so I am working on trying to use the little money that I do have wisely, i.e. budgeting correctly, before I add extra money to it. Becasue if you cannot use the little money you have wisely, then how are you thinking you are going to use more money wisely, you will not. More money does not erase bad habits, I have been learning.)

I have been reminding myself of these truths to help calm my mind and my heart and allow myself to have peace.

God is good.
This has been a reaccuring theme in my life. Regardless of my circumstances that does not change the fact that God is good.

God is powerful and is bigger than any problem that I have.

God has my back and wants what is best for me.
This reasures me that anything that comes my way, God is there, working it for my good.

God loves me more than I could ever know.
This is the truth. His affections for me are beyond my comprehension and I need to rest in that when the world seems to be against me or crashing in around me or getting smaller and feeling as though they are crushing me. He loves me with a love that does not alter, or change. And because of that I am able to feel freer, because the weight of pleasing Him, or the pressure of consequences is removed. That is not how He works.

These are the truths that I repeat to myself when I begin to stress about life. Whatever that may be. Money problems, health problems, satan attacking my spirit and feeding me lies about myself (that I am not good enough, that I am second best, that people like her/him better than me etc.) These are the truth those things are not. Remember that today when life doesn't seem to go your way or when the weight of living is a lot, hard to carry at times. He is there. He has you and He loves you.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).

Stop doubting, He has shown He is faithful.

Do not doubt.

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

Truly believing that something is right or that something will happen is a beautiful thing. I think when we doubt we hesitate to believe that God is who He says He is. Or we doubt ourselves even more, but then we are uncertain that God will do what He says He will do. Doubt is almost like the lukewarm, it is not fully believing, and it is not completely in disbelief. This is where faith and trust comes in.

(but take heart, in Jude 1:22 it is stated "have mercy on those who doubt."

God has gotten us this far, He knows what we need, so why do we doubt that He will guide us, why do we doubt that He has our backs. Why do we doubt His presence in us. Why do we think that well last time was easier, and this time, this is a big thing, I am not quite sure He can do it. Seriously why do we do this every time something scary happens. It is like we completely forget everything that he has done for us. What He has done throughout history. 

I just moved in an area that was extremely scary for me. I wasn't even going to do it. I half way did it and thought okay that was safe. It still took everything in me to press publish. Then I immediately went for a walk I had to process and be with God. It was too much, but probably just enough for Him. Because today I was pushed to completely do it.  To share it with the everyone. Then decided to just do it. So with my heart racing and tears brimming. I pressed post and I am not kidding that took it all. It was in his hands and I just hoped it would be for his glory and not for mine. It is all for His glory. A few girls messaged me while I was out, after I posted it and they affirmed my feelings. They were glad to not feel alone. I was commended on my vulnerability and sometimes I think it is stupidity, (not really) but some say you should not be so open. But I do not believe that. If you do not share your struggles or issues or sufferings I think we begin to feel shameful over those things. The devil uses our minds to tell us that it is wrong, that no one else will understand, that we are alone. But we are not alone. No issue or struggle is new. We all have them and for many of us they are the same. Get past yourself and share it. Be brave and do not doubt. God will use it.
Check out this article
God brings us suffering for others sake

All the words that I have, all the thoughts that I have, all the epiphanies that I have, anything that I share, it came from Him first. None of it is original. Nothing is new under the sun. I learned that in Ecclesiastes. Any issue or struggle that you go through is not new. Humans have been struggling with it for centuries, I hope that is encouraging, because it was for me. God got those people through those sufferings, He will get you through yours too. 

James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

More scripture on doubting-
Matthew 21:21
Proverbs 3:5-8
John 20:27
Matthew 14:28-31
There are many more.

Trust and have faith. That is my challenge for myself as well as for you.