Finding love...finding God

So I have been asked to speak during LOVE month at the youth group that I volunteer with. My first thought brings me back to what one of the high school students said to me this last week. As we had an opportunity to go up to a whiteboard that was covered with a piece of white paper with the words Love Is written on it and write what we thought love was, she came up to me and said, "I don't think I will ever know what love is." And my initial reaction to her was if you know God then you know love.

But at times I feel much the same she does.

Let me start at the beginning.

Growing up I struggled to know what LOVE really is. The one relationship that is supposed to paint a beautiful picture for young children of what love looks like, the relationship of your mother and father, was torn apart when I was four, but I can imagine that before that it was not a very good depiction. Then these two people that used to "love" each other, now cannot stand each other, was very confusing for me. But also these 2 people that are supposed to show real love to you, do not, how are you supposed to have a good definition for what love is. Your mother and father, not only are showing love through their relationship with each other, but also are supposed to be showing you what love is through their relationship with you and when that doesn't happen, we struggle very much to understand love. Or I guess love was distorted and I had to create my own definition of what love was. And it was not the right one. But I would also venture to guess that back then and even now my parents, or at least one of them still, does not fully understand what love is, but instead was/is showing the definition of love that they know and where shown when they were younger.

The definition of love that was shown to me was that when the feeling is gone, get out. Or that you put in all the effort and them putting in some effort is acceptable. That it is your job to not fully be yourself, just remain steady and level, not too much of one thing because then they might not like you anymore. Do not say certain things because you might set them off. Basically love to me was do whatever you have to do to keep them happy and to not make them angry.

Throughout the years because I did not have a great definition of love and because I very much

desired to feel loved, (I think this is ingrained in us, at least women to feel loved and accepted and like we belong) I began to search for it. And because I did not know what love really meant and because in those foundational relationships I was giving so much, I took. From anyone that would give me anything. I was a plant in a drought that desperately needed water. I was reaching my roots deep and wide in order to find any place that water would quench this need for love. I desired it from boys and from my friendships with girls. I wanted to feel like I belonged. Because the one relationship where I was supposed to feel secure and loved and accepted, I did not feel any of those things. So I became THAT girl, that had daddy issues and needed love and affection.

I did that for years. Bouncing from relationship to relationship, flirting with whoever, dating whoever would love me. I gave pieces of me to many people and then when I didn't feel it anymore I was gone. Or when they left I was devastated. Because just how I felt in my relationship with my father, rejected, I was feeling here as well. And of course the questions began, the negative self talk would develop. What is wrong with me? Why didn't he stay? It had to have been my fault. Because that is how I felt in relation to my father. That if I was ______________ he would be around more, more interested. If I was more like my brother he would like me more, I almost felt as if I was missing something because he didn't seem to love me. I wasn't enough. But he wasn't around more. So it had to be me.

I've used this before, and love it so.

Finally in high school I had to stop the searching. I found myself devastated after a 3 week relationship, 3 weeks, and I thought that was ridiculous. Well I thought that after I had mourned that relationship obviously, I didn't think that right away. But 3 weeks seriously 3 weeks was all it took for you to be so committed. So torn apart when it ended. I realized that was not healthy, so I decided to not date for awhile. I decided that I needed a break, that I needed to figure out what happened  and why I was so torn up. Not so much what happened in the relationship, but what happened in my mind to fall so quickly.

Who would have thunk that because I chose to swear off guys that I would polarize myself so much. I went from one side of the spectrum to the complete opposite.

I realized I had to relearn how to relate to guys. I had to begin to not see them as a means. That they were here for me, to make me feel better. I couldn't rely on them to do that for me. It simply was not fair. I couldn't flirt with every guy that I met so that I could get attention and feel temporarily appreciated and valued. Because if I did not get the attention I was seeking then I would feel the complete opposite. I would feel hurt and down on myself. I did not want my emotions to be contingent on how a guy responded to me. I wanted to be in control of that. That I would not give guys the power to be able to influence how I felt about myself. And truly this stems so much from my relationship with my father. Because I gave him the power all the time. Anything he did either positively or negatively influenced how I saw myself. And sometimes it still kind of does. Then I have to remind myself that I give him that power. And I need to take it back.

I also realized that, as I told that student, if I have God then I am loved. I am accepted. I belong. So I do not need to continue to search for it. Because I already have it. I have moments when I stray. When I think that I need to feel it from humans. That for some reason I need their approval and that it is more important than His. Then I get hurt and I remind myself, or the Spirit does very gently, that I ALREADY am ______________. I do not need to continue looking for it. I have perfect love, why continue to strive for flawed love.

I am wanting earthly love to do only what eternal love can, save me, fill me, complete me.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But Perfect love casts out fear.

1 Corinthians 13
This has been my anthem. I know it is recited at weddings but this is not just a marital love, this is how we love everyone. How real love actually is.

And if God is love as it says in 1 John 4:8 Then we receive all of these things from him, we receive perfect love.

And we are loved by him in John 3:16 or in the entire Bible. It is a continuous story of how He works to restore our relationship, Because He loved us so much, He sent his son to be our payment for sin, so that we could finally have a life with him forever. We did nothing in that transaction. It was his love.


Because I now know who I am, or I guess whose I am, then I can spend more of my time focusing on what He wants me to be doing rather than who I need to be with. I do not need to be focusing on being in a relationship or striving for that "love" because I already had it.

I often get the question, Why are you single?

To be honest I never know how to answer that. Almost as if it is my choice, and I guess maybe it is. But I have also not found anyone yet that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Being in a relationship is no longer my focus. Doing the Father's will is my focus, finding out what my mission on this earth is is my focus. If having a family is inside his mission for me, is his will for me then I guess I will someday be in a relationship.

Now do not get me wrong. I do have moments while watching some TV show or Rom Com that I desire that type of relationship. That I would love to be in love. To know what it feels like to completely trust someone, to not want to do life without them. Seeing others in a super loving, God-centered relationship. It is a beautiful thing to behold. So maybe to someday!

I want to make a update here. My father has made huge strides in the last few years. Is he perfect, no, are any of us perfect, no. But he has done some surprising things in the past few years that have shown that he is trying, and that is all that matters to me. So as I have told many people do not stop believing, or praying, no matter how many years it feels like it has been. Do not stop being kind and loving, do not allow someone else's behavior or lack of response make you bitter or resentful. Being kind and loving can change hearts and lives, being rude, bitter or resentful will continue the pattern. Break the pattern. Choose kindness.