the stereotype

So I am at home by myself on a Saturday night. My mom is away for the weekend. My go-to friend is away as well, does that sounds bad? go-to friend? anyway... I am thinking about how as a college graduate I am the stereotype, I moved home.

I am in my mi-mid- oh man my midtwenties now, wow that is hard to grasp. I was working at the video store last night and my new manager said he felt older than he was at 22 and I said that I do not feel as old as I am. I seriously do not, high school in some ways feel like yesterday, not seven years ago. It is weird, time just keeps going and I, in some ways feel as though I cannot catch up. It is an odd feeling, hard to describe.

Back to the subject at hand. I am the stereotype. I live at home. I am not completely ashamed by it. It is the sensible decision to make. But I also wonder if any self-respecting boy is going to find it remotely attractive. But then I also think that I do not really care because right now, to be completely honest, I am not looking for anyone, in that sort of way. These are the ramblings of my mind, after two glasses of wine and some solitude!

Stay tune for some more! My mind is always a going.

INKed

So I have really wanted to get a tattoo. Not just because it is trendy or edgy but because I was realizing that it was very easy for me to forget who I had become and desired to be. I had taken so much to try and understand what God thinks of his people. What truly his affections are toward us. The resounding answer was the idea of love, this type of unconditional love that is not contingent on how I behave, but has been constant since beginning of time. Realizing that no matter what I do God will love me the same is completely freeing. I had been living in a cycle of shame and guilt, that is how my relationship with God was fueled. Or my life in general. And now I can be free of that destructive type of thinking, which is not of God. And be free to understand that He is here all of the time and He possible of anything and all I have to do is give myself to him and allow him to transform you. Just being there and being open. He will seriously do wonders that you never dreamed of. It is amazing to me that I can forget this type of sacrifice and love, but as fallen people we are prone to forget some of the greatest things that happen and focus on the bad things.

So a few years ago I was realizing that it would be good to have a constant reminder of who I desire to be. This was the first time that I even thought of getting a tattoo. I have always liked them, but never thought I would actually get one, until now.

But I am so indecisive.

It takes me forever to decide what to eat if there are more than 5 options. It took me 4 years to finally pick a pair of TOMS. enough said.

I also really enjoy being original, very difficult in this society at times, but with getting a tattoo I want something original, I don't just want to get the word LOVE because I hate to say it but it is a bit cliche. I also want to get it in a place that is different and not just the usual.

See I have these thoughts going through my head every time I think about getting a tattoo. Which makes me think I might not even do it. But I have to, I cannot just let my indecisiveness get in my way, but it is a serious decision as well. It is there forever!

This is my conflict.

I like idea of love in a different language.

Writing daughter in Hebrew.

Just be-

Loved-

redeemed-

Or something of the sort. I would like it on my right hand somewhere, I think.

Oh the mind of me! Crazy!

Present Vs. Future Minded

I took a trip.

I traveled to Denver to visit a friend and had a great time. I was able to see some great scenery and eat at some great places. I was even able to visit a private school while I was out there. It is a really nice school and I would love an opportunity to teach at it. But we shall see. I am have some struggles with how much I should be focusing on the future while still being present. We are always told to live in the here and now do not worry about the past because it is the past and do not worry about the future because today have enough troubles as it is.

But...

I know that I am suppose to be "doing" something, putting in job applications, inquiring about openings, looking online. I know that God would wants doers, not just thinkers or great intentions. But how much am I suppose to be preparing for something that is not right now. I have a job, very stinkin grateful, so should I be focusing on finding a job when I already have one.

I have said before that I am not very good at planning or preparing for the future if I have stuff going on right now. I have found that I cannot put my all into my job or whatever it may be that I am currently doing if I thinking and planning for my next step. So I find that I can only do both half-assed if I am doing them both at the same time.

I did not learn this recently, but it is coming up again. I am not an over-achiever. In school I never went the extra mile, I did not proofread my papers twice, I lucky if I even did it once. I rarely studied for tests for more than a few hours. I just did what I did and did decent. And I was okay with that. I would though, go the extra mile in my relationships. they were things I cared a bit more about. So I am finding that if I was an over-achiever in school I might be more driven to put out so many applications. But I do put some applications out and do a little extra with those, so many opportunities will develop even with those few feelers I put out there.

Here's to seeing what the future holds, and trying to be immersed in the present.

rattled.

I think that things happen in your life that make you realize that no matter how much you try you will never do everything perfect. Even if you do not actually do anything wrong, you may not have done it exactly right. Or at least not how someone needed/desired for you to do it. These situations bring on humility and maybe a little anger. You have been trying to be LOVE, embody it as much as possible, then for some reason you miss something so rudimentary that it angers you. How could you miss that one simple way to show someone love. It rattles you because everything that you have tried to be can seem to be whipped away in one simple mistake. I do not like to let people down, miss an opportunity to be there for someone.

I experienced this recently. Someone I know is going through a very difficult time and I failed to acknowledge it. I merely swept it under the rug like it wasn't there. I mean I had reasons for not doing so. But in her eyes I did not care. That simple of a conversation and I look different in her eyes. Even when I do reach out it has strings attached to it, in her eyes. I cannot erase it and it is hard for me. Everything that I feel like I have tried to be is in a way jeopardized.

Then I realize that some of this is selfish thinking...

I know it might not be this extreme, but this is kind of how I work. I can have the tendency to polarize things. I am also very emotional and very empathetic. So this combination just screams rational thought all of the time.

A little window into my mind.

New Book.

So I just finished this book that I got on a whim from the library. It was in the new section and I have enjoyed the author before so I thought I would try it out. I was not let down.

In almost every chapter there was something that I found to be profound and thought provoking. I went on a journey with this man that related very much to my own journey of awakening and self-discovery of sorts.

The book Aleph the author Paulo Coelho. I had also read The Alchemist by him and it was very much about fulfilling your dream/destiny even if it sounds absurd or everyone is saying that it cannot happen or it may take awhile. Follow the signs and follow your heart.

Aleph was about a spiritual awakening that the author actually went on. He traveled across the Trans-Siberian Railway, across 8 time zones, in search of forgiveness from his past.

Here are some of those profound tidbits that made me go hummmm.

pg-12- "Our life is a constant journey, from birth to death. The landscape changes, the people change, our needs change, but the train keeps moving. Life is the train, not the station. Ans what you're doing now isn't traveling, it's just changing countries, which is completely different."

pg.-15- "Whenever I refused to follow my fate, something very hard to bear would happen in my life. And that is my great fear at the moment, that some tragedy will occur. Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there's no point in trying to recover what has been; it's best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new. In theory, every loss is for our own good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this?"

pg. -21- "They say that in the second before our death, each of us understands the real season for our existence, and out of that moment, Heaven or Hell is born. Hell is when we look back during that fraction of a second and know that we wasted an opportunity to dignify the miracle of life. Paradise is being able to say at that moment: "I made some mistakes, but I wasn't a coward. I lived my life and did what I had to do."

pg.-41- "You're traveling, but, at the same time, you haven't left home. As long as we're together, that will continue to be the case, because you have someone by your side who knows you, and this gives you a false sense of familiarity. It's time you continue on alone. You may find solitude oppressive, too much to bear; but that feeling will gradually disappear as you come more into contact with other people."

pg-46- "...my roots are ready, my soul has been slowly dying from something very hard to detect and even harder to cure. Routine. Routine has nothing to do with repetition. To become really good at anything, you have to practice and repeat, practice and repeat, until the technique becomes intuitive."

pg-62- "To live is to experience things, not sit around pondering the meaning of life."

pg-65- "There's no point explaining that all we achieve by exacting revenge is to make ourselves the equals of our enemies, whereas by forgiving we show wisdom and intelligence. Apart from monks in the Himalayas and saints in the deserts, I think we all have these vengeful feelings because they're an essential part of the human condition. We shouldn't judge ourselves too harshly."

pg-83- "No one can learn to love by following a manual, and no one can learn to write by following a course. I'm not telling you to seek out other writers but to find people with different skills from yourself, because writing is not different form any other activity done with joy and enthusiasm."

Just some words of wisdom. I found this interesting and good for my current journey.

Just thoughts.

The Reason Why...

So I have been thinking about why I have a lack of motivation in applying for teaching jobs. There are a few reason, such as, my scanner does not work and everything seems to need to be done electronically, there seem to be a ton of steps to applying so it takes forever to finish one application, There are not many jobs being offered thus I feel as though I am already doomed to fail.

But the one factor that makes it really hard for me to finish, or lets be honest, even start these applications is that I am worried that I will fail my students. Not that they will not pass, but that they will not leave with a desire to love learning. Or that they will still not believe in themselves. I realized while student teaching that as a teacher it is impossible to reach every one of your students because there were 28 of them and one of me. The odds were not in my favor. But I am not okay with that. I do not like that before the year even starts I already know that I will not be able to touch each one of their lives in some significant way. It is hard for me to start a task knowing before hand that I will not finish it well.

This may seem on one end to be idealistic or the other end to be cynical, but I guess it is hard for me to see it any other way. I know that I am a good teacher and that I will do great things but if I cannot be there for each one of my students it is hard for me to be okay with that.

I also found while student teaching that routine is very important, it creates stability, which these kids need. But I also found that I can become a robot simply following routine. That things became, at times, a little less exciting or meaningful. It was for that sake of the routine or the test or the learning outcomes, not for learning itself or wonder, or anything transcendent.

This is why it is hard for me to fill out job applications. Because I do not want to be a teacher that already sees failure before she even starts or becomes a victim to teaching to the test.

These are some things that I have noticed recently and would like to share. I have still not completed an application and know that these are simply excuses to keep me from my destiny or my greater purpose.

Funny Moment of the weekend.

I was in a used bookstore. I love used bookstores. They are a little overwhelming, but when I know what I am in there to find it is a bit easier. I went in in search of the first book in the Harry Potter series, because I actually have all of the others. I found it with ease and was checking out when the older gentlemen that owned the store said, "Did you know that you kind of remind me of the woman that is having issues with Rush Limbaugh."I was a little shocked because I do know what he is speaking of. This girl had said something to the effect that she would have sex for money or something of the sort and Rush said " you know what we call that, a slut." I was not sure how to take this statement by the man at the bookstore. It took me aback. Was it a compliment or simply an observation. And as I left I could not help but laugh. Very odd and entertaining!